Mother in Law Hates Me

I agree with some of the other posters. Just fake it and be as nice as you can always be. If shes mean or says something off hand to you, ignore it and let it slide. YOu can cry and get upset once you get away from her. Eventually she is going to realize that she cant get a rise out of you and hopefully realize how sweet you are, cause youve always been nice to her.

Some moms just have problems with their sons being gone and its an adustment.

Good Luck

At my outdoor wedding rehearsal, I joked about my father-in-law chasing me up a tree, and he actually laughed. He was not at all happy about the marriage. He did not at all like his son-in-law either. Although he was not real close with his kids, no one was good enough for them. With time he came to like me then love me. Sometimes it just takes time (years) and getting to know each other better for the in-law to decide you're not a monster and not stealing away their darling son. Don't put your hubby in the situation of choosing between the two of you, but on the other hand you may need to set boundaries with the help of your hubby.

My daughter was in the same situation early in her marriage. She decided she didn't care whether her mother in law liked her or not. She felt secure in her hubby's love so she just attended family functions like nothing was wrong. When she had kids, she never deprived her in laws from spending time with them. There did come a time when her mother in law actually started a fight, screaming at her that she had ruined her son's life and how she was not a fit mother, etc, etc. My son in law, bless his heart, told his mom that Jen was his wife and if she couldn't accept that, then there wouldn't be any more interaction with them or the kids. They left and it was several weeks before they asked if they could see the kids. My daughter allowed the kids to go over to Grandma's house. She refused to involve the kids in the adult's battles. I had to admire my daughter's restraint, she's a better person than I would have been. They now have an OK relationship but not a real close one. I'm not sure the kids ever realized that the adults had a problem. I think that even though you may not ever get along with your mother in law, it is important for the kids to have their grandparents and hopefully she will see that you have been the "better" person in allowing that grandparent/grandchild relationship to go on.

D., my advice would difffer a bit from what others have said. Our pastor did a message on in-laws and it was pretty awesome. It's really your hubby's place to address his mom about the matter. He needs her to know that he will not tolerate negativity about his wife. As far as kids go, my hubby won't leave my kids with any grandparent who is mean and nasty toward any other grandparent (we've had that happen). His job is to keep our family at peace. If the grandparent wants to come to OUR house and spend time with the kiddos, she is welcome. If she starts being rude and mean, she is welcome to leave. I know all of this may seem harsh, but unity in your immediate family needs to be the priority.

Not sure it was beneficial for your husband to tell you his mom "hates" you... but LOVE her - even when it is hard - take the high road - always - even if she doesn't love you back. There is nothing you can do to make someone else change... your best course of action is to love and respect her son and to treat her with respect as well.

Hi! I'm sorry you are going through this. I just wanted to tell you my experience. My husband (who was in the Air Force) and I met when he was stationed in Germany. He asked to be stationed in England next so we could get to know each other better (I'm English). In between assignments he went back home on leave and told his family how he had fallen in love. All seemed well. He proposed 10 days after we got together again, and we married 3 months later in England. Not one member of his family wanted to come, but we put it down to the expense etc. However, later we found out that his mother was really angry about the whole thing. She felt that he should have married someone from his hometown, someone that would "bring him home" when his AF service was over. There was so much bad feeling. She had promised her engagement ring to my husband when he got engaged, which of course didn't happen. She made a point to tell me she had it made into an earring for herself. Then there was the dinner service she had inherited and promised to my husband that she gave to Goodwill. It really began to get to us, but we were living in England, very short of money, and very inexperienced in this type of thing. Finally I decided to write her a letter. It was just a sort of introduction to me. I tried to be very nice, friendly, and I didn't mention any of the "bad" things. We have been married almost 20 years now, my husband is retired and we don't live anywhere near his family. We are so happy as a family, and while I may never be as close as I would like to my mother-in-law, at least we are friendly now, which makes for much easier family occasions.

I hope things work out for you, but whatever happens, put your husband and children first. I believe strongly in fate, and you guys were meant to be. If you are both happy, all the rest is just the frosting on the cake!

Hello D.,

I can totally relate! I have been married to my husband now for almost 12 yrs and she is just now warming up. It is so sad that people choose to behave the way that they do and form opinions without valid reason. Even then people deserve a chance to prove otherwise.
All I can tell you is to be the best wife God called you to be. It is him that you want to please and no one else. You and your husband just enjoy each other and the child that you have and the making of baby #2.
Pray for her and God will take care of the rest. In fact he already has, but he wants you to ask him on her behalf just the same.
Be Blessed and enjoy your family!

Why in the world did he feel compelled to tell you his mother hated you?

My mother in law hates me too and I've been married for 21 years. I am civil at family functions and basically just stay out of the way as much as possible. I've known my husband for 30 years and so have obviously tried many many times to make her like me. But it's not going to happen and at this point I really don't care. Luckily they've moved out of state so I don't have to deal with her very often.
:-)
You will need a thick skin because it hurts when you've tried so hard to be accepted and failed. My advice is to let it go. You cannot MAKE someone like you if they've already decided they do not. Just be your regular sweet self around them. That way it's her problem and not yours. It will be obvious to all that you've done your best and that she is the one being unreasonable.
Good luck!! I know how you feel.

im a slut ____@____.com

What do you do.... fake it till you make it. I true bond that is. You don't have to love her nor does she have to even like you. But you both love your hubby and for that and your children's sake just treat her like anyone else you have to spend time with you don't care for. My MIL can't stand the way I run my household, nor can I deal with her actions sometimes but we both know it isn't each other we hurt by voicing our differences. Over the 14 years my MIL and I have been in one another's lives nothing has brought us closer than just respecting the love we have for my hubby and children and not fighting over weather or not the other one is invited to be at all family functions. So, yes welcome her into your life as she is now family. You can't expect her to love you if you don't let her get to know you. The only exception I would make is if she is verbally offensive to you or your children. Maybe your positive actions will change her feelings. If not you will get use to her negativity and it won't bother you after a while. My MIL has never felt that I am good enough for her son (even after 3 kids and watching me raise them as a stay at home), but she and I have a fairly good relationship now.

I agree with the previous comments and especially with Julie. Pray for your mother-in-law and show her love. I know it can be hard, but hang in there.

First let me say that I am sorry that you have to deal with this difficult situation. Obviously your mother in law has some issues. First I would talk to your husband and tell him all your concerns and see what he thinks. It is VERY important that once a couple is married that they put each other first (above any parents or inlaws). Once you have his complete support I would go to her as a couple and tell her what your concerns are and ask what you can do to improve the relationship. I would also ask her if she would consider couseling with you and your husband. I think you need to show her that you want to work things out. If she does not repond then it shows your husband that she is unwilling to work on things and she cannot say that you and your husband have not tried to work things out with her. Also, pray alot about this. God can do things that we cannot even imagine with relationships! Good Luck!

Yes, she is your husband's mother regardless how she feels about you.

And, she is your child's grandmother. Just be kind and patient. That's all you can do. Don't talk bad about her to your children. They will grow up seeing a mother who is kind and forgiving and patient.

And, hopefully, so will your mother-in-law!

Ah, Mama's boy got married. Been there, done that and it wasn't pretty. Like the other posts recommend, walk in love, but I will add stand your ground kindly when she is confrontational. She sounds as if she has a strong personality, if you buckle under, she will never respect you. She needs to come to the understanding that you are not going anywhere, and if she wants to be involved in her son and prospective granchildren's lives she will have to "make nice". This will take time; in the meantime be kind, be gracious, be Christ-like. Last but not least, pray the Fruit of the Spirit over her, Scripture says our battle is not against flesh and blood...(Insert her name) is the Fruit of the Spirit, love, joy, peace, patience, kindess, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; she lives by the Spirit and walks by the Spirit - Galatians 5:22-25. It took a while and it got quite ugly (i.e. she got ugly), but my MIL and I are now great friends! One more thing, if your husband is in the habit of confiding in his mother regarding your relationship, stop him NOW! It will just fuel her bitterness and resentment if she knows you chewed her precious baby out for leaving the toilet seat up.

First, and perhaps most important, what was your husband's motivation in sharing this news with you? Certainly not to drive the two of you together.

The best defense here is a gr eat offense. Greet your mother-in-law every time you see her as though she is a treasured friend. When you and your husband go to visit her, take her flowers, some homemade cookies or anything else that she likes. Present the gift to her with a warm hug and a smile and tell her how grateful you are to her for the partnership of a great man. If she snubs your gift, apologize and let her know you had no idea she was allergic to coconut or hates the aroma of roses and will never bring them again. If you stay consistent with this, you will soon have a happy mother-in-law. If not, continue to be a wonderful daughter-in-law and you will have had no responsibility in contributing toward a bad relationship.

Hello,D. I can feel your pain my mother- in- law is not crazy about me either,although the feeling is mutual I still feel so uncomfortable around her.I know my son, (her grandson)adores her.I FEEL like she is jealous of all the attention my husband gives his family and my daughter from a previous mariage.I have learned to just be nice and remember that it is not all about me.She was a stay at home mom and raised 4 kids,she is just doing the best she can.

D.,
You have gotten some wonderful advice, and I agree, do your best to be nice and include your mother-in-law. AND, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. Chances are it didn't matter who her son married......she just can't stand sharing him. This is about her insecurities, not you. Keep that in mind and it will help you be kind.

If she is good with your children (when you have them) then let her in. Be as nice as possible, but unlike the others I don't think you have to ALWAYS take the high road or be a door mat. If she ever says anything unkind to you I would suggest you very gently and kindly talk to her about it. Take every opportunity to show her you are not a threat and want her to have a good relationship with her son. That you want to be part of the family, not steal her boy away.

I think that if you are patient and kind you will see a change in your mother-in-law. Honor her, consider her, include her. Women do that for other women and you will forge a relationship, but it could take awhile, so please be patient.

and tell your husband he doesn't have to share anything negative his mother says to him about you. That will not help anything..........and also ask him not to share everything you say with his mother!

As a Life Coach I believe that you need to work the situation through with your Mother in law. It is clear that this problem will never go away and ignoring it is going to make for a lifetime of issues. If your husband had not told you, would you have known that she hates you?

If it is possible, I would suggest you have a conversation with her letting her know that your intention is to have a peaceful relationship with her, not for you, but for your husband. He may not feel he needs to choose right now, but a time will come when he must choose a side, putting him in a horrible position. If you can find out why she dislikes you and if the reasons are rational, find a way to bridge the problems, you will save yourself a lot of future anxiety. If the only reason she hates you is because you "stole her son", you will have to come to an agreement that allows both of you to live in peace. As you are aware, "stealing her son" is not a rational argument and it may force your husband to confront his mother, and reassure her that he loves her but that in order for his relationship with her to remain strong, she must accept you. She doesn't have to like you, just accept the fact that you are in his life. That may be all you get, but if you head off this issue early in your relationship, you will save yourself a lifetime of heartache. Sadly ignoring problems rarely make them go away. Hope that helps.

D.,

My best suggestion is to treat your mother-in-law as if you didn't know this information. Greet her with love, always be cordial, be as nice as you can be, while still being yourself. I think it is your husbands job to set her straight. As long as you guys can get a long, there is nothing that says she has to love you, as long as she doesn't treat you like she hates you. If you start treating her differently because of this information then that will only feed the stress between you. If you start withholding time with her grandchild (once it is here) then that will only feed her reason for hating you. She won't see it as her own fault for her feelings towards you, she will see it as you took her son from her, now you are taking her grandchild from her. My suggestion is to do what it takes to get along with her, no matter her feelings towards you and maybe one day she will turn around. If she starts treating you badly or in a hateful way, then that is the time for your husband, her son, to step up and say something. If you say something then again you are feeding her reason for hating you. It is time for her son to man up and let her know how things are.

D.,
You mentioned that you and your husband "reunited". What were the circumstances of your first relationship and the break up? Was your mother in law involved in that or did she take sides?? Maybe thats why she "hates you". What you can do is to be polite when you are around her, but limit your time with her. Make your husband and your children your priority and create a happy home environment with and for them. Get involved in a good church and you will learn patience in dealing with someone like her. Also discuss it with your husband--if he observes his mother being ugly, he should respond with a warning, "Mom, don't go there." If she persists, you both should leave. Good luck!

D.,
sorry to hear about the mother in law situation. I just want to encourage you to pray for her heart to be changed. Until then set good boundaries. Limit your time with her(as well as your child), if she acts inappropriately have your husband let her know this will have consequences with your family spending time with her, do all of that lovingly. This will communicate that he loves his mom but that you guys are his priority. As a man he is supposed to leave his parents and cleave to his wife. You can't be responsible for how she responds or acts but you can be a good example and influence on how a loving and mature person responds to circumstances (you'll be an awesome influence to everyone who sees you walking through this). Family dynamics are tough, but they will always be family, so try to be the one without regrets for behaving poorly in those relationships.

Hope that situation turns around and that that relationship will become a blessing to you instead of a burden.

I know that feeling and my husband was reading your post over my shoulder and said that I could tell you a story or two. :-) To make one short, my husband is formar military and when he was away she would call like crazy and threaten to come out to Georgia to make sure "things were ok for him", she knew that I would go to the base gym from 5am - 6:30am and then work from 7am till 7pm at the car dealership selling cars, come home walk the dog, etc. Everything was fine but she was so overprotective of him. Even though she knew my crazy schedule she would still call and make threats, like the one above and others. When he got out of the military we moved back here, I knew she hated me because she could not control me and I did not bow down to her like my other two sister-in-laws who married into the family...I speak my mind and stand up for myself. After we had our son, my husband said to let her babysit him while I was working. We later found out that she did not feed him properly...this could be one of the reasons of his autism and other issues he has. She said that she would let him cry himself to sleep and not change his diaper. Several times the clothes that I dropped him off in were still on him that evening when I picked him up (were talking from 6 am till about 5 pm M-F). Also on holidays she showed how much she disliked the kids and me by purchasing crappy gifts and spoiling the others. Our last straw with her was back in May when she bruised my sons neck and then went ballistic on our niece. The woman is very violent and does not care who she hurts. I hope your mother in laws dislike for you does not rub off to your kids. It took my husband till this past May to see just how horrible his mother really is. He had to see the violence and how she also tried to attack me in her garage. That's another story in itself. On a good note, congrats on your true love and marriage. Don't let his mother come in between you two...if worse comes to worse cut her out of your lives.