Mother in Law Advice - Howard City,MI

I would call her and ask her if all these "rumors" are true, tell her what you've heard and see if there is a way for the two of you to work together to make it a better, happy situation!!
Good Luck!

Shelly

Let her expect what she wants, I wouldn't worry about what she thinks or expects of you -- sounds like you lose either way, so why bother? I wouldn't go out of my way to be antagonistic or anything, I'd be respectful and polite and that's it. It must be hard with hubby out of town, but do you really want to be around toxic people like that anyway? Go and be polite when he's in town and enjoy the breather from them when he's not!

To put it plain and simple In-laws are never going to be perfect. Unfortunatley you have to deal with them. There really isn't much you can do about it. You have to grin and bear it.

I think April T gave you some good advice. Maybe the other family members don't know you'd like to be included, could be MIL is filling their heads with her opinions and if she is shame on her. Follow your instincts on how to handle this situation, protect yourself and your kids but I wouldn't intentionally make an enemy of MIL either. Not everybody is blessed with good in-laws, which is too bad because life is so much easier for everybody when they get along. However, not all of us MILs are pains in the rear or bad people and we shouldn't all be lumped together and judged that way. I truly hope this situation improves for you and your little ones.

I would confront her, in front of your husband. You have two children to think about, too, so it's important for you to have a healthy relationship with their grandmother. Besides, those boys are blood to her, and they should be considered part of the family for reunions and Thanksgiving dinners, too!

That's awesome that you are considering your husband in that way... I usually just make him deal MIL issues. I could learn a thing or two from you, apparently. Good for you!!! However, it is his mom, and he needs to see how she is when he's NOT around. It sounds like you've just let it go long enough. Think about what you're going to say to her before you say it, and role play with your husband. He'll be able to let you know if anything you have planned to say to her will set her off. Then, you can re-word it, or whatever. I think that as long as YOU are making an effort, and your MIL is not, then it isn't you putting your husband in the middle; it's your MIL. Good luck! Exhaust every optio. If she still doesn't come around, then boycott everything, inlcuding when dear hubby is home. He needs to be on board too, though. She get the picture eventually... that you two are a team, and if she continues to disrespect you, she is also going to push her own son and grandchildren away.

Sorry to say it will not change most likely. Some people are unhappy in their lives and need to make others feel bad in order to make themselves feel good - this is sad really.

Since you husband is gone alot move on with your life and enjoy your children. Don't waste another minute worring about this women - she is not worth you time - you have given enough.

Good luck

It is so sad that people are so rude. It sounds like you haven't been around these people enough for you all to get to know each other and bond. You say you don't want to worry your husband with this issue because you have talked to him about it before, it seems he would have talked to them to see what the problem was and got it solved. Maybe you should asked your husband if it is okay for you to talk and and make peace with each one of them (sister, brother, mil) and see if there is something you'e done or said for them to treat you like an outsider, or maybe have a get together and invite them over.

I would deal with this now. I'm just wondering what will happen if you have another child with your husband. Is she all of a sudden going to change her tune and will this be because your new child is her "blood" grandchild. What will this say to your current boys. Your husband loves you and your boys and she should respect that and treat you like family because if she doesn't to me she is being disrespectful to not only you but your husband. Good Luck.

From my personal experience with MIL I would just treat it like a busines person. Only talk when you have to, make it short and to the point. Go to the "meetings" you have to go to, however, don't stay long, you are a busy person. Be thankful you don't have to go to all the meetings and do something fun on the days you aren't invited...so if it comes up later, just say, no big deal, I was busy doing this anyways. Don't let your MIL get the best of you. YOU are better than her and YOU have the children...if she wants to be a part of their life, make her come to you. Also, have you tried inviting her over when your hubby is gone for holidays? If she declines, just tell her next time she demands you to come over, that she didn't come over when you invited her and that you want to spend time with your family since your hubby isn't home often. Good luck with it. Remember, you have plenty of friends and family, don't let your MIL get the best of you :)

Hi T.,

From the sounds of it they are doing you a favor by not inviting you when your husband is out of town. I wouldn't want to put myself in that situation when he isn't there to begin with. When he is home...if you have to attend a family function just keep to yourself and busy yourself with your boys. I certainly wouldn't rearrange my schedule for family functions when your husband is home though when you aren't important enough to be invited without him. If he disagree's then he can just attend without you. It is up to him to tell his mother about what she is doing (which in most cases will never happen)...you saying it to her will only fuel her fire. Hang in there!

T.

You know what I do when people keep causing stress and problems in my life.....I leave them out! The next time she invites you over when your hubby is in town, find something else to do instead of going there. Tell your husband that you understand if he goes, it is his mom, but that you don't choose to be treated that way ANYMORE! If she asks ques as to why you didn't go, give honest answers. You don't have to fight with her, you don't even have to deal with her. Explain to your husband that she is making you sad and uncomfortable and that you just choose to not be around her at all unless and until she changes the way that she treats you and your kids. I hope that you have family or friends nearby that would value your company at holidays. If not, make special occasions on your own with your boys or volunteer at a food kitchen at THanksgiving. Make your life full and content without her, so that you don't have to feel left out anymore. One day, if she grows up and decides to treat you better, then you can decide if you choose to allow her in your life. This way hubby doesn't even have to be in the middle, because there is no middle, there are no sides. Be done with her until she values you.

I would pull her to side and let her know what the deal is. I would tell this BS IS GOING TO STOP! You don't have to like me but you will respect me. Now I;m not going to lie I would say it a little different ( harsher) but If your not that bold just let her know I'm not the one and stop playing with me.

Hi T.,

I can relate to your mil issues. My mother in law was the same way. Once we were married she started telling us where to go and what to do and once we had child it got even worse. She was rude to me and called our baby "her" baby and told us we were to have all Sundays open for her to visit. She is very controlling and at first my husband played right into whatever she wanted until it started causing terrible friction between us. Finally I had an honest discussion with my husband and we decided to get on the same page. Then I decided the next time my mil started something, I would call her out on it and confront her. It was not pleasant but it really helped me to feel better. It took about a year to recover but we have finally found a middle ground of respect. I guess my advice would be to stand up for yourself and to be honest with your husband because you will need him to stand behind you. Hope that helps.

DeeL

Gosh, this does sound pretty rude. But it just occurred to me, Is there any chance your MIL is not asking you because she thinks you don't want to come and it will just put you on the spot? This might explain the commands when he is in town. Perhaps she feels she must put her foot down for you all to show up? Maybe she is just assuming that you find spending time with the in-laws unpleasant. (Maybe she doesn't like her in-laws.)

Well, this is right up my alley, since I don't get along with my mother in law and she puts on the act in front of my husband. It did put a strain on my marriage, but now I just play along with her. Let me ask you a question though, do you want to go to family functions when your husband isn't there? If not, just casually bring up in conversation that there was an event that you weren't invited to when you talk to your husband. You can slowly but surely make him see what she is doing to you without fighting with him about it. If your marriage is important to you, don't let her ruin it. She is always going to try to make herself look like the innocent one. Don't let her win.

First of all, you are not putting your husband in the middle. He needs to stick up to his mother and set her straight that you and your children are his family too and that makes y'all part of her family. He needs to protect you even though he may not be around.
You are family all the time no matter what...not just when it is convenient.

It is so hard to deal with this kind of stuff! I think you should invite her over and have a nice heart to heart talk with her...Things can build up and not be good-for not only you and your husbands family but also you and your husband! His family is his family...It may make things much better if you just sit and tell her how youve been feeling and that you want to be a part of the family functions(for your marraige sake haha) Tell her how hurt you are over not being invited to Thanksgiving and would like to be a part of it.
GOOD LUCK!

Boy this is tricky!

Until your MIL decides to like you and accept you unconditionally you will most likely continue to get these vibes from her. I think you should be honest with your husband about how her actions make you feel and see how he reacts. If he doesn't feel comfortable standing up for you with his mother, then you should probably cut your losses with the relationship (with MIL). Don't expect anything from her and realize she's just putting on a show. If you keep your cool, treat her well anyway, that's probably the best way to rebuild this relationship, if there is any hope. If there isn't, making a big deal with her (trying to convince her to accept you more and be loving) about it will probably make it worse.

I would for sure address the cheating thing with my husband and let him know its completely untrue and that you fear they are trying to turn him against you. Its better for him to hear it from you then from them.

He doesn't have to pick sides. Try to make visits with him to the MIL as pleasant as possible, even if nothing changes, and as long as you feel he is committed to you and doesn't buy the stories they make up, then there is nothing to fear. Let him know that you respect his relationship to his family and will not make him choose between them and you. But be real with him about how hard it is for you to be around them. Hopefully he will stand up for you and defend you to his family. It is HIS place to do that, not yours.

i know you dont want to get him involved but this is something your husband has to be involved in. she wont take you seriously but if he talks to her she will listen more so.

Hi T.,

Whenever a man marries a woman with children from prev. marriage you can almost hear MIL say: "My boy could've done so much better". Even if you are the best thing that ever happened to her boy. This is exactly the reason why your husband should be envolved. Unfortunately, you MIL doesn't think much of you and probably never will. So she won't listen to you no matter what you say, even if you're right. She needs to hear it from her son. She needs to hear it from him that he is happy and you are a big part of his life and so are your children. As far as saying "love you" on the phone. You don't need to say anything if you don't feel it. If she demands it, once again, your husband should be envolved and expain to her that this kind of treatment towards you doesn't warrant any "I love you's" You can not fight this battle on your own. In her eyes you don't have much saying. If these kids where your husband's kids, you might have gotten more respect for this monster in law.

Like I told the other woman with the same issue: think of MIL as an unpleasant part of life you just gotta deal with. Like taxes. Get you husband involved. It's not fair to you.

Sounds like my MIL. Rose is gone now but I had the same thing. I would have been a good daughtler-in-law too....it's too bad. I don't know why a parent would hurt her son this way but I really regret now sitting down with my mother in law and husband and having a frank discussion. Let her know that now only is she alinating you from the rest of the family, but her son too. Tell her you love her son and your husband should let her know that he demands that she respect you. Lay it out on the table! To this day, my husband's family thinks I am a sl--. I feel badly for him. I'm a nice lady and would have been good to his family. Life is way too short for this nonsense.

I'd say your Mother-in-law's behavior is not acceptable and that you should talk to your husband about it and he should deal with it. She is his Mother, after all. He should make it clear to her that you are his wife and are very important to him and she should treat you with respect, regardless of whether or not she likes you. Your kids are innocent bystanders in this and should be treated very well by all involved.

Good luck!

Sorry about that... I have a MIL with an 8th grade education that lives in a town of like 800 people... so I feel your pain. Here is the best example... we threw a party for their 40th wedding anniversary, they had "family" pictures taken, me and my brother in law (married into family) were asked to get out of the picture because we weren't "family" that was 1 year into our married life and it has only gotten more interesting from there.

Here is what works for me. I don't have a relationship with her, she may think I do but I don't. She is not my friend, I think of her as a child and treat her like one. I do not share my life with her, I have wonderful friends and I have my own family that is amazing. In one ear and out the other. As for holidays... I do them at my house, they can come if they want but I am having what I want here.

As hurtful as it is to be excluded on purpose and not be liked, I suppose you could twist it a little and count it as a blessing that you don't have to feel obligated to attend all of the family events as they are stressful anyway.

A little different perspective but maybe it will help a little when you know that everyone is getting together and you are not invited.

Sorry, it's a crappy situation, I feel bad for you.

Tell the capital B that you no longer have time for her bull, tell your husband that you love him and would never cheat on him. If he believes her over you maybe he should be living with her. I would distance myself from her and any other family that does not welcome you with open arms, and if she does not love and accept your children as her grandchildren tell her to kiss your sweet a-- goodbye. My Dad married my mom when my sisters and I were 8,10 & 13. His dad would not attend the wedding and never wanted my mother and us kids in his life. My mom & dad have been married now over 37 years and you can only imagine all the love he missed out on by not accepting us. Who do they think they are to say who is family and who is not. My dads father passed away and left his money to all of HIS grandchildren never even mentioning us. Do not exploit your children to this kind of rejection.

T.~

As long as you and your husband know what is the truth, than forget about your MIL. I live next door to my MIL and I am 15 years younger than my husband so let me tell you we have our fair share of disagrements in the last 7 years. As long as you and your hubby are on the same page that is what counts. I know that it is hard and with him traveling it must be harder but try to stay positive and remember that he loves you and married you and your boys :)
S.

Your husband needs to talk to her. He needs to be on your side. My MIL can be horrible. She has gotten better since our children were born, but we were not speaking to her when I got pregnant with the first. After my husband had open heart surgery and she and my sister is law threw tantrums at the hospital, I got absolutely no support from them once he got home. Then a few months later she called and told my husband she was tired of being "fake" and that he should come alone to x-mas. He said, no, have a nice x-mas yourself. I always told him, if he wanted to go I wouldn't stop him b/c I did not want to be the reason... Anyway we didn't talk to her from Oct until June or July when she ended up in the hospital. I don't think you get anywhere with talking to her about it. The damage is already done. you will never have a good relationship. The best you can really hope for is to get along and be civil at events. My husband had to just tell his mother how things were going to be. She has since crossed the line is somewhat minor ways and he has immediatly let her know it is not acceptable and that we will be out of her life forever if it continued.

I would not attend any events (regardless of whether your husband goes) until she is so told.

Good luck-- I lived this for years (my MIL even sent my own mother an email about how horrible I was...like my mom was going to be on her side?) and know how stressful it can be.

Hi T.,

Your husband SHOULD BE in the middle of it. It is his family and he should talk to them about these issues. Also, you are his primary family now not his mother. He should be the one dealing with them and getting angry about their behavior!! I hope this helps.

L.

Have you tried raising the issue when your husband is at a family function with you? Have you let other family members know that you would like to be included in the gatherings wether or not your husband will be in town to attend. I wouldn't think that discussing this issue or any issue with your husband would be putting him in the middle. He made his choice when he married you. His relatives by excluding you from family functions are in essence rejecting his choice of marriage partner. That is if they are aware that you would like to be included. If MIL is suggesting other wise, by talking directly with the other family members should clear things up. Hopefully your husband is willing to stand by his own choice and you in this matter.

T., honey, your hubby's already involved.

Personally I would refrain from attending anything alone, if you're being maligned and "rumored" about. If Grammy wants to see her grandkids, she needs to tow the line and grow up.
If your hubby's out of town when Thanksgiving rolls around and you prefer better company, he's liable to ask why. Then you can and had better be frank with him about the alleged 'rumors' going around and that you're tired of the pretense his family does, only when he's around, because it's a different story when he isn't. If he can't stand up for you and against the treatment his family shows, then his mom isn't the only one who needs to grow up.

You can also give your kids a worthy accomplishmet and on Thanksgiving, volunteer at a shelter so they learn that valuable lesson about the less fortunate and helping them. Then when mumsy asks where you were, you can honestly say where you were and add a touch of spice by saying it was a much more rewarding, satisfying, and worthy experience.