I have been together with my kids' father for almost 6 years. We've been "on and off" since we've been together. Whenever we get into an argument, it is usually because he doesn't help out with our kids and I feel like a single parent in our "relationship". He tells me he loves me and doesn't want us to split apart, but I just found out he was looking up his ex from 8 years ago. He constantly lies to me about when he'll be home when he "goes out with the guys". He very rarly gives me a break from our kids, and even then I have to beg and plead to get a few moments to myself. We haven't talked about anything that is going on with "us", the only talking we do is small talk or about things HE is interested in. We never go out-just the two of us, or even do things as a family- it is usually me taking the kids to do things w/o him. I try to leave him, but he always seems to pull me back in. I told him I was willing to work with him on child custody, since he is a loving dad (even though he isn't highly involved in their lives) as I feel our relationship has turned sour, and to the point of no return. There has been no love for a long time. We havent' slept in the same bed in over a year, and as far as "relations" go, we only have them a few times a year. I feel lonly, depressed, ugly, and worthless. Anyone ever been through something like this? Should I stay and try to work things out with a couples counselor like he suggested? Or should I follow my gut and leave before my heart breaks any further? I'm trying to do whats best for my kids, and I am so lonly and confused. PLEASE HELP!
Counseling might help but he is an emotional abuser. This is going to take a lot of time. It will only help if he is willing to see what he is doing to you and to the kids AND is willing to change.
Sometimes these things work out but it's rare.
Hey mamaj i was in a similar situation about a month ago. We did sleep together though. But he didnt help with kids, we didnt go on dates, mostly due to money. But he found a way to go out to bars and pick up woman and enjoy lunches with them. Anyways, i wish that before our relationship got to him cheating, he would have communicated with me about how he felt and vise-versa. We have 2 kids and i am currently pregnant. But i filed for divorce and he has been gone over a month now and i am due to have a baby alone anyday. I wish things would have worked out for our families sake. Its very hard on the kids when the parents split. I would suggest some counceling if you think it may help, but if you feel deep down it your heart there is no love and you are only together for the kids, then leave. Don't waste anpother minute of your life with him. Since my husband has left i feel happier, although i am sad for my kids, but i know he is not worth my time anymore. HTH and good luck..... If you need to talk inbox me. : )
If he actually suggested a counselor, then for your kids' sake, it's definitely worth going. If he made that suggestion it means he actually must want you to stay together.
Bottom line is, the two of you don't treat each other well. No marriage will survive that. The good thing about that is -- that is something that can be turned around in one day. When people start treating each other with love and kindness and attention, it's amazing how attractive they start to become.
It's the typical male/female scenario - he doesn't help much and is minimally involved, and you therefore nag and detest him.
Both of those things are pretty easily changed, when it comes right down to it.
Go to the counselor, your kids deserve it. And in the meantime, if the two of you could make a pact to treat each other (even if you don't feel all in love) like you did when you were first dating, you might be surprised how much you start to like each other again.
You're not alone-what sets you apart , however,is that he suggested counseling. You should try it-but tell him up front that he shouldn't use it as a tool to placate you-you will not buy into that-it will be used to make profound changes so that you can go forward in a meaningful relationship.
He asked you to go to a counselor?? If so give yourself a gift and go..... do you know how many women have men who refuse to go??
Also go b/c if you don't YOU (if you split up) will just make the same mistake in choosing the next partner. You need to figure out the why/what/how of your current relationship so that if you do separate you can move into a much healthier one. I hope you can work it out and stay together.
DITTO on Robin's advice... you will only stay IF changes start occurring during counseling. Don't let him just go thru the motions and think that is enough.
Divorce isn't fun but sometimes it is what is needed. He probably brags to his friends how he can get away with anything. His friends probably think that they would be lucky to have a wife that is as tolerant as you. This relationship is not good for you and it is not good for the kids. They are learning that this is the way that a relationship should be. He probably pulls you back into this relationship when you try to leave because he finds a way to blame you for everything that is going on or he promises you all kinds of wonderful things. I know this kind of man because I was married to one and I have been divorced for three years and I feel so strong and so independent, When I was married we tried counseling and it just ended up as being a waste of six more months of my life.
You know, when you have children with someone it doesn't really matter whether you are married or not, you owe it to them to exhaust all of your options of making your relationship with their dad work. To them it is all the same, whether you have a marriage certificate or not, you are a family, no matter how "involved" he is and I don't think you can just think of your heartbreak when making a decision like that, you must consider theirs as well.
Go to counseling, try to make it work... maybe it won't, but at least you have given it a try.
Good luck!
Follow your gut.
Tell him you have better things to do with your life than wait for him.
THen say Goodbye.
But you have to leave and not take him back. That will be the hard part because he will start pulling out all the stops and promse you the moon. Don't be fooled.
not to quibble, but you ARE a single parent. You may live in the same house and have a child together, but he is behaving as if you are roommates (with the occasional booty call due to proximity.) I'm not saying marriage is the only form of a committed relationship, but it seems as though he's playing by a different set of rules. There is no substitute for communication. If counseling can help you both communicate, then go for it. However, that is not a solution, it is a path to a conclusion. You need to articulate what you want and what you're not willing to settle for. Be prepared to leave without feeling it's an indictment on his parenting. You need to allow for the possibility of a happy future for yourself. Think of the example you want to set for your kids. Best of luck to you.
You aren't alone. Get counseling for yourself and also try couples counseling.
I don't know that I can be of much help, but just to let you know you are not alone. I have been married to my husband for almost 8 years, and I too feel that there is no relationship between us. He has cheated in the past and we have since then gone to counseling. It helps for the time being but I almost feel that I am at no return as well. He would rather play computer games then do anything with me or the kids. We don't sleep in the same bed either and 6 weeks ago he lost his job, so we are really struggling financially too. If you need someone to talk to maybe we could exchange contact information on a private message. Let me know, otherwise I suggest maybe trying counseling, that way if it still doesn't get any better you can at least tell yourself later that you did all you could do to make it work.
Try the counseling since he has offered it, but if it does not result in a satisfying relationship for you than move on to individual counseling to help you make the transition from an on again off again relationship. On again off again relationships are very difficult to leave but they can steal your life from you and once your children grow up, you will feel like you have been left with nothing. My heart goes out to you.
I'm sorry you are so lonely and confused in your relationship, although it doesn't sound much like a relationship. I'm guessing you feel confused because you want things to work out but reality is telling you differently. Find a counselor for yourself. Let her help you sort out your choices and see what kind of future you would get with each option. Find someone who will help you follow through on what you decide to do.
Since you are torn both ways, I think counseling is a good next step to take - with and without him! Together, he/she will serve as a mediator and try to get to the root of the problem by asking appropriate questions of both of you, then give suggestions to help you resolve the issues. Individually, he/she will help you talk through your role in the situation and help you identify your priorities as well as giving you suggestions on how to handle different situations. Counseling is a valuable tool that too many avoid due to stigmas assigned to mental health, which is very unfortunate! At the very least, it may provide a sense of civility between the two of you if you decide to go your separate ways and have to work out custody agreements, etc. Good luck!
