I have been married to the same man for about 15 years. Initially we had the match that we both thought was made in heaven. We met and were married in a total of about 4 months. He is the baby out of 4 children and both of his parents are deceased. In watching his family react to him over the years, I never really understood how or why they treated him as the black sheep of the family. I am beginning to understand. He started this behavior, on a small scale a few years back but now it has progressed to the point that it is a very big problem. From the moment he walks in the door, he yells, constantly complains about everything, gripes, curses a lot, only thinks of himself, criticizes everything....he is nothing but negative. He continually makes promises he doesn't keep and it is all because he is "married to his job". He never picks up after himself and our children see this and do the same. I have basically lost most all of the husband type of love for him and am to the point I don't really want to be around him but I need companionship. What do I do?
Just wanted to say MANY thanks to all of you who posted a response. I tried to email you back and hope to hear from you soon. I think that maybe we should start a friendship group....we all need each other! Please email back or post.....things are still the same. Just an addendum: My husband will be 47 in August of this year. I have tried to talk to my husband, and he seems like he is listening at the time, and promises everything will change and he will do this and that, but then nothing ever happens. Empty promises always. We tried counseling a while back and it didn't go so well. The counselor was a female and found him attractive and took his side and made everything look like my fault. I am at my wits end. He doesn't even appeal to me any more.....I basically tolerate him because I know that I can't financially make it on my own....any other ideas? Again....I am so thankful to all of you who responded!!! Hope to hear from you and others soon!
I was in a similar situation and asked my husband to leave and get help. He did and then we started seeing a counselor together. It helped and we are still together.
I got tired of being miserable and didn't want my son to act like that toward his wife or my daughter end up marrying someone like that.
I would sit down and tell him how you feel. What's he gonna do gripe, cuss, then mess the house up?? You're already there...it's worth a try.
If it was me and I didn't love the person I wouldn't be with him. The whole point is to love somebody not just coexist with the person. I would call it quits if it's not working out or maybe talk to him first and then go from there but don't stay with him b.c u don't want to be alone.
While you can focus on the reason he is this way you could also take steps to keep this from wearing you down. There's a book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. It teaches you to not take things personally therefore you don't react negatively to it. It's hard but once you master it then you can teach your children how to ignore the negative in the world.
I would immediately suspect that there's something at work that makes him miserable and you are just catching the aftermath. Traffic trouble or the new dj on his favorite radio station? There could very well be something at home that is triggering it. Talk to him, if he says he has no idea why then he needs to seek help and you have to tell him to do so for the sake of his family and marriage. Do this as emotionless as possible.
If there's something bothering him and he can identify it then you can help him either accept it and adapt or the two of you can work together to change it.
After 15 years his hormones could be out of whack, Andropause. If he hasn't had a yearly physical then maybe a trip to the doctor is in order.
If your husband is my husband's age or older I would suspect physical problems first then work my way up to emotional or environmental factors.
I understand what you are going through. I think that you need to sit down with him and tell him how you feel. If he gets mad then maybe it is time to end the marriage. THis is not good for your girls nor you. WE tried counseling and it worked, but if it didn't as much as I want a companion, I do not want one like that.
Good luck
Hi,
I wish I had something I could tell you. Sounds like it would be hard to talk to him about things as well. Communication seems to be the key to making things work or so people that I have talked to say that when I tell them about My husband. I do know from experience. That the yelling and griping and complaining begins to wear on you. My kids pick up on there father as well. My husband is starting counseling or he is suppose to take anger management classes. But he refuses to do them because of the drive to get to them. So when he gets to the point he will skip that and start counseling.
I will pray that things get easier for you.
R.
Is a different job an option? Or maybe some counseling would help. K. R.
OMG, my story retold by another woman!
I am divorced and remarried now but went thru the same problems with my ex, don't let that discourage you though from trying to work out your marriage. First of all, have you talked to him about it? What does he say? Have you suggested marriage counseling? I would get it fixed quickly either way sounds like it is already pretty bad for you, sometimes men (as stupid as theycan be) do not even realize that something is bothering us, I know it should be obvious but obvious to them is smacking them upside the head with something.
If u ever want someone to talk or vent to shoot me an email I have been there and know exactly what you are feeling.
Hang in there, S.
I went through a similar situation with my husband.. We ended up seperating for over 4 months to work out our problems. I am not saying that is what you should do but it sounds like you aren't going to be able to get through to him any other way. I wish you the best of luck in this terrible situation.
I wish I was responding to your post with advice, but unfortunatly I am not. I am going through the very thing you're describing. The criticizing, the negativity, the "married to his job" thing, and the putting all of the house work and chores on me. When ever anything is bothering him I become is verbal punching bag. We're not married, but have been together for 8 years now, since I was 16 and he was 18, and we now have a 21 month-old daughter. I am terrified that my daughter is going to realize his negativity and the way he treats me and act the same way some day. It is so hard to know what to do. If it were just me (no children) I'd just leave. But it's much more complicated with a child. It's hard to know what the right thing to do is. Do I leave and turn my daughter's world up-side-down or stay and live in misery? I don't have any family that I could stay with and I don't even know where I'd go if I did decide to leave. All I can do right now is educate myself and get myself to a place where I am capable of providing a decent life for my daughter as a single parent, should I decide that we cannot live like this any longer. In the mean time I am giving myself an oppertunity to give our troubled relationship all that I can. Then atleast I will never feel guilt because I can find comfort in the fact that I did everything I could. Whether he chooses to hold up his half of our relationship or not is beyond my control. It is a terrible thing to realize that someone you've invested so much love and time in may not be the person you thought they were at all. I wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you make. And should you get any good advice in your responses, I'd be very grateful if you'd pass it along. ____@____.com
I've been through a divorce so I don't mean to be harsh because I know it's a tough time for you, but he's not going to change so you need to make a decision on if it's worth dealing with this every day for 'companionship.' You can get companionship from friends, activities, clubs, and even pets. Don't put up with his behavior! You'll be glad to not be surrounded by negativity any more, and your children will improve as well. You don't want them to think that this is a normal lifestyle and they can be like that.
Good luck.
Well tracy i am a native texan and i have three kids a son who is 7 and two daughters who are 5 and 4. I have had the same experience with my husband. He and I have been married for six years. He drives a semi for a living. He was hateful when he was home...used foul language...screamed and yelled at the kids and he has been horrible to be around. I love him...or maybe who i think he can be..but i found out on Christmas Day 06 that he has been leading a total double life. He had secret bank accounts and another woman on the side. He announced that day that he wants a divorce. He walked out the door and hasnt looked back at me nor the kids since. I am lonely have been most of the marriage...and i knew that i would be the one to get fed up and leave him. I never thought in a thousand years that i would not be good enough for him. If there is anything i can do..if you need anyone to talk too feel free to contact me. I am having to uproot and move back to OK. But i know exactly what you are going through and want you to know there is someone who can relate
