My kids start school on August 22nd - why do the summer's fly by? I wish they were so much longer and school was so much shorter...
Anyways, on the way home last ngiht my daughter (9) said "I wasn't supposed to tell you this, but I want to tell you this." So of course I encouraged the conversation and she told me her mean teacher, Mr H from last year (some of my older posts describe that misery) got in her face and yelled at her after we pulled her from his class over a book. Another student had the book, told my daughter she could use it, and then he yelled at my daughter. I told her if he ever did that to her she was to call me immediately. The other teacher told her Mr H did not yell at her and would not let her call me. She went to another teacher and said she wasn ot allowed to call me AND told her not to tell me it happened.
WHAT?!?
So I reminded my daughter about the importance of telling me things when they happen, because there isn't much I can do now aside from meeting with the principle and discuss the issue and my expectations that no teacher will tell her to hide something from me again.
Would you bring it up with the school or let it go since it was last year? I'm torn - I want to start this year on a good foot all around, but I don't want the teachers thinking they can tell students to hide things from their parents.
Thanks, mamas. I am very close with all of my kids previous teachers, minus the 3rd grade ones from last year. I am very involved, and I don't think they see that a lot from most parents. While some don't appreciate my approach and I can understand that.
I agree with the plan to just go in and meet the new teacher (which we do every year) and get a feel for them. I am hopeful this year will be different from last year. I will definitely do that and let them know I am big on communication and knowing what is going on with my kids, good and bad.
This teacher she is saying told her that would most definitely say something along those lines. She was the leader for the 3rd grade and very outspoken. She would know if my daughter told me Mr H yelled at her again that I'd be in there as quickly as possible. Though I agree it sounds "off" that a teacher would tell a child something like that.
ETA: The teachers I deal with really do like that I am in the school and communicate more often than most. They say it really helps them as teachers and benefits my kids. But last year I did let the mama bear out on Mr H. I will definitely let that go and move forward, I know these new teachers this year do not deserve my frustration with him and I will take that advice :). I definitely appreciate the views, especially those who work in the school system and can tell me exactly what it is like on the inside.
I am also very big on getting the other side of the story - always. So I ask the teacher what happened in a situation and discuss that with my daughter and teacher at the same time...it worked well last year.
Rachel:
Go in with a fresh attitude!!! Let last year go. You cannot change it - only learn from it.
Just let Kaelyn know she can tell you ANYTHING - ANYTIME!!!
I certainly wouldn't go in to the school ready for a fight... not only did this happen several months ago, but there's no way to verify that it actually happened. Something about this story sounds "off" and in all of my years of educating children, I have NEVER heard of a teacher or any adult in a school asking a child to hide information. I'm not accusing your child of lying by any means, but please know that her version of what happened doesn't sound right.
I would strongly encourage you to meet with her new teacher (new year, new teacher) and share with the teacher your difficult experience from last year. Do this early in the year (first few weeks) and let the person know that your daughter had a difficult time last year (although I assure you they already know about you and your daughter) and that you want to have a positive and open communication system with the teacher. Let him/her "hear" that you are a partner in your child's education, not an adversary.
I know that I will get slammed for this, but that's OK because what I'm saying to you is the truth. The new teacher already has a preconceived idea about YOU. Teachers talk. Teachers commiserate. Teachers dread having "that mom" in their class. If YOU start the year off with a fight, then your daughter is going to have another terrible year because the teacher will feel attacked at all times. If YOU start the year off with a clean slate and a positive presupposition of the new teacher, your daughter may have the best year ever.
Your behavior, your choices but know that your daughter is the one who will either suffer the consequences of your combative approach to starting the year or celebrate a fantastic year with a teacher and parent who worked together to support her.
I can't imagine a teacher getting in a 9yo's face and yelling - esp over something like that.
I can tell you that I have had conversations with students that were completely and totally misrepresented to their parents.
I have had mature, level-headed discussions with kids where I never raised my voice and yet, because I was holding them accountable for their actions, I was "yelling" at them.
It's disappointing how many parents bought their child's version without even asking me for my take on what happened. I was just a jerk.
Now, I know nothing of your history, but your daughter knows you get fired up. If she doesn't like the teacher and thinks she can cause trouble by sending in mama bear, she could be doing just that. Please don't get mad at that assumption, it's based on working with hundreds of kids and seeing these things play out, even with the "good ones".
ETA: Children take their cues on conflict, etc from the way their parents respond. If the parent gets fired up, defensive and even bullies / intimidates the teacher, you better believe that it will instill a sense of entitlement, empowerment to bully others and a victim mentality. If you take things like this in a matter-of-fact tone, explaining that sometimes we don't all get along, but we have to learn how to work with all kinds of people, she will be a strong, respectful, well-adjusted child who takes these things in her stride. Someday she may have an unreasonable or demanding boss. Are you teaching her how to be successful under those very real situations?
My guess is that IF the teacher told her to keep quiet about it, you're already "that parent". Her teacher this year already knows about you and will be preparing him/herself - because, hey, we do talk. If you want a clean slate and a chance at a positive relationship with the new teacher, please let it go.
i totally agree with Krista P. on this. I am in no way saying that your dd is lying, but it does sound like something is "off" with your dd's story. It may not have gone down in the manner that she portrayed. It did happen several months ago. I too am a teacher and can tell you that if you go in ready for a fight right away, the new teacher WILL feel attacked and like they are paying for whatever issues you had last year. I agree and would go in and talk with her new teacher or after a meet and greet when you can be alone (at conference, not open house). I say open house is not a good place because you will bring other parents into an issue that is not theirs. Let the new teacher know your expectations and that you are a big part of your child's education (do this in a nice way, remember they did not do anything to upset you). I am not trying to imply that you will give the new teacher attitude, but i have been given plenty of attitude from parents for what a past teacher did. sometimes they forget that i had nothing to do with it. lol i promise that the new teacher will know you and your dd before she ever meets you. Krista P. is right. we do share info and commiserate. you definitely don't want to be known as "that mom". "that mom" is often WAY overbearing and can be seen as rude and pushy when the situation does not call for it. i am not saying that you are "that mom", but if you go in their ready for a fight you will be known by that before school even starts. this will give your dd an unfair start to the new year. i too will probably get smashed for this, but i am speaking the truth and i am an educator.
Let it go mama. No since in dredging up the past. Besides she's 9, her version of what happened may be distorted a bit or misinterpreted, especially months after wards. You don't want to be "that mom". The mom that thinks everyone is out to get your daughter (even though it may have felt that way last year, I remember most of your story). Your daughter was wronged, but it's time to let it go. I know it's hard. The idea that a teacher would even dream of saying "don't tell your parents" is unfathomable to me.
It's new year and a fresh start. I think that's exactly what I'd tell my daughter too. " Teachers should never tell you to lie to your parents. But this is a whole new year with whole new teachers. It's going to a be a great year and we aren't going to worry about the crummy year last year. It's a fresh start for all of us!" Kids feed off their parents. And if she sees, hears and senses that you are ready for battle or being a "negative Nancy" about school, she will be that way too.
I wouldn't bring it up, unless something similar happens again. Let it be a fresh start. Feed that positivity to your daughter....she needs it.
I can also understand the school not letting her call you right then. I've taught and presently work with youth. If we let kids call every time they "need" to, we would have angry parents. And, it's disruptive to learning. HOWEVER, I would investigate the situation if my daughter told me they told her not to say anything about it. But, this had to be done in a timely matter. Your window of opportunity is over for that...this time.
The teaching lesson you got from this is to really drive home the fact that ANYTIME an adult tells your daughter to NOT tell a parent something is the biggest red flag there can be, and should be shared with you or another trusted adult IMMEDIATELY.
Let it go for now..... and help your daughter enjoy this new school year. GL!
It's not time for you to go into the school guns blazing but to emphasize to your child that any time an adult tells you NOT to talk to me you make a bee line to talk to me. Being proactive with your child and encouraging her to talk to you no matter what any adult tells her is critical. Clearly let her know that you are her advocate in the classroom and can help her through any and every situation happening there.
For this school year keep your eyes and ears open, make your presence felt with the teachers so they know you are an active parent and not an absentee parent.
Again your focus should be on your relationship with your kid so no adult can harm her in any way without her letting you know about it.
Little girls this age are notorious for coming home with embellished tales of how "mean" their teachers and/or other kids are, so keep that in mind ANY time your daughter tells you something happened at school. They can be little drama queens, and you don't want to turn into a mama drama queen. When I worked as an aide I saw it happen all the time, mothers storming into the principal's office demanding justice for an incident that never even happened. I'm not saying don't believe your daughter, just watch out for that slippery slope, and always make sure you get both sides of the story BEFORE passing judgement.
Something 'clicked' for me when reading your post:
It was the Eagle Walk. You posted on your daughter having to 'take a lap' last school year, and weren't happy about the teacher's choice of consequence for missed work.
I'm not picking at that-- at all-- but just suggesting (as many have pointed out) that your daughter might have figured out that her interactions with Mr H were a sore spot for you--or at least they were in recent history.
I also agree that if this was as upsetting as she described--is it in keeping with her personality that she wouldn't have said anything sooner? Is it like her NOT to say something when she feels she's been truly wronged? I know preschoolers who can describe a situation so as to completely gloss over their own part in a drama and blame others quite nicely. It's not malicious, it's just *their* perception and thus, to them, this is 'what happened'. I'm not saying this is 100% what's happened, but ask yourself what you do know about your kiddo. Does she hold out on sharing information that would get others into trouble, or just herself into trouble?
Do extend the friendly "hello, nice to meet you" to the new teacher, as you stated you would, and then let them know that if there are any behavior concerns, you would appreciate a phone call. And if it were my child coming to me with this late complaint, I think I'd tell them: "Well, the only thing you can do about it now it to make sure that you are following this new teacher's directions."
Good luck! I hope your child gets a great teacher this year and it's a pleasant one for your family.
Totally. Go say "hello" to the principal and tell her/him you are excited to have your girl complete (I am guessing) this last year of elementary school. Since you are "at it", ask him to explain to you (or to do it again anyways) what's the procedure on discipline and go from there. Be controlled, kind and rational, confirm your thoughts by asking questions BEFORE accusing the teachers and (not less important) TELL YOUR DAUGHTER you are going to talk to he school, just in case she "inflated" details or got carried away with her need of your attention/protection. I doubt a teacher would tell a 9 y.o. child to not tell, it seems pretty childish to me, but you do need peace of mind, so go ahead and make your expectations clear to the principal.
Me personally, I would probably let it go. Make sure to assure your daughter this coming year that if she should have any problems to come to you no matter what. And IF you have lots of problems again this year....I'd consider moving her to another school. That is just crazy!
Any time an adult tells a child "don't tell M.," that's disturbing, no matter what the issue is. Children should never be told by anyone to hide a concern, feeling, or event from a parent, no matter what, no matter by whom. I would investigate to make sure this happened as she said, and I would bring it up with the principal.
sit down and think about it, the teacher SCREAMED AT YOUR CHILD, then TOLD HER NOT TO SAY ANYTHING TO YOU !!
makes you wonder what else he might not want his female students parents to know about, huh ?? both of these teachers need to be investigated.can you say, SANDUSKY ?? they are hiding something..BIG.
K. h.
change schools !!!
