Okay, settle in, folks. This one may be a bit long, but possibly mildly entertaining.
My marriage split up, when my ex, had a long-term affair with a woman he worked with. We'll call him J, and her C. C has three kids. She moved into my former home, giving custody of her three kids to her ex. We'll call him M. The four kids always got along, before the split. Then, the sudden borderline step-sibling situation brought tension.
M and I became best friends, over the months leading to the split, and the bond strengthened after the split. He and I fell in love. Together, we're blissfully happy. He and I are so compatible, on so many levels. Frankly, I think I suspected this would happen. And, if not for the strange way we met, I think we may have started dating faster. But, how it started is not as important as how it works out.
Here's the problem. He and I would deeply love to spend more time together. We've even flirted with the prospect of marriage. But, the kids are an issue. Sometimes we think they literally hate each other. They even visit the non-custodial parents as a group, due to the unusual situation of their collective parents' love lives. I just don't know how we can make this any easier for the kids. We don't want the kids to be unhappy. But, we don't think we should have to keep ourselves apart, because the kids are fighting.
Anyone have some ideas on how to blend a family?
Wow. It's been quite awhile. Well, the kid tension is there, but not as much of an issue, anymore. M and I are engaged to be married, now. He had considered giving up custody to his ex. But, that is not in the cards, at this time. We talked to them, and told them that whatever they wanted was okay, and asked who they want to live with. They all said us, even with Liam as a factor. While the kids still fight alot, at least we've made enough progress to have them willing to co-exist under the same roof. Yay!!
late response
slightly
kids fight no matter what
I am glad to hear you are happy, most likely, they will be too.
take care, be happy, have fun every day
^_^
I'm happy to hear that things are working out. We have a "brady bunch" family as well, I have 4, he has 2. We were married on 07-07-07. The kids were in the wedding, and helped to make alot of the decisions, made them feel like an important part of it. I had also found a beautiful "poem" that I had the officient read before the vows. It included the children into it. Our invitations also were BEAUTIFULLY written, talked about the kids as well. If you'd like I could write you the words; if you'd like to incorporate them into your own. So that way, when the time comes, they all will look forward to the big day. They also have a unity candle holder, that has holders attached for the children, as many as you need, so the kids can be a part of "joining the family" together. I thought that might help you, even to do at home- hold a special little ceremony for your family.
Just some little ideas I thought I could ramble about :)
The kids are confussed and angry about what is going on and their lack of control over the situation. Family therapy is needed in this situation!!!!!!!!!
Well, speaking from experience with a brutal divorce from my parents, kids can be a little selfish. We all were, but we just wanted our family back together. The children just have to get used to the situation, no matter how bad they do not get along. Maybe a vacation with all the kids together, could be a good thing, do some activities with them, so they can get to know one another. Most likely, each set of kids blame the other's parent for their families break up. We got so bad as kids, we wanted our father's new wife to die. As we got older we realized it was not her fault, but our parents both had strayed. I would not let the children break up your chance at being happy for the rest of your life. They will have to accept it, either house they go to, they will have one of their parents there, it is kind of cool. I wish my parents had done that. I wish you the best and hope you two do the right thing to keep you together.
The spouse swapping thing happened in my husbands family. It's totally weird and can put a lot of strain on the kids. They don't know who to be loyal too so they end up fighting amongst themselves. Each set blaming the other sets parents.
the whole family (including all the parents) need to sit down either together or with a counselor/mediary and talk about what has happened. Get it all out in the open, work out a plan to help the kids feel secure.
It took a few years with My Husbands Uncle/Aunt/ex-Aunt/New Aunts Ex-husband and their collective 5 kids (with 3 more added after the spouse swap)
i would try doing some fun thing little by little have them stay the nite then a weekend and move up to slowie move them in nothing about and more people to a family is easy even if you have nine month to plan and adjust even blood sibbling don't like each other all the time good luck hope you find to make them all happy and keep you and m are even happier
Hi S.,
I come from a blended home. I have 2 brother and 3 step-sister). It was really hard when my father and stepmom got married. It took years for all of us to learn to live with each other. My step-mom is a wonderful person and never tried to push us all together to pretend we were one big happy family. We never hated each other but we were two families that were raised differenty and then tried to co-exist. Time is the biggest thing I think. Just make sure they know each child is loved and important to them and they should come around. Also, another thing my dad did was we had one on one time with him every week. Even if it was a long walk we always were able to talk. Good luck and hang in there.
Chris
S., Sounds like you are very happy with this man and so you should be. Have you ever thought of sending the kids to the "other parents" on different weekends/days. So the kids have time to spend alone with J&C. J will have time with your son without C's three kids and then C will have time with her three without your son. Then they will not feel as though they are being forced to be together. Then plan fun outings and events with all the kids together.They are young and may be feeling like they are not the focus. Each of you(parents) deserve to be happy. Don't let this bump in the road deter you. They will grow up and out of this rivalry.
Good Luck
S.
S.,
I also come from a blended family and blended one myself (in many ways) I have been married 2x my older 2 are hubby one my youngest from a b/g that my 2nd hubby adopted (keep up now) My b/f now has one that has been "mine" since she could talk (her mother walked out at 10 mths)..... hubby #2 and i are very good friends (him and my b/f go golfing etc) and his g/f and i are also very good friends.... my granddaughter passed away in feb and they were one of the first ones at the hospital!!!! we talk all the time....and we share good things as well as discipline with OUR son.... that is a big thing... it has to be OUR with everything and the kids LOVE to see u all get along (most of the time lol) as long as u all stay on the same page... it will work... DO NOT HOWEVER put your life on hold.... do what makes u happy and the kids will adjust just takes time and teamwork..... good luck
T.
Here is a nice long response to go with your nice long post:)
I'm not exactly sure what type of visitation schedules the children have, but have you thought about switching the schedules so that the kids are separated a little? That way they get their own time with their perspective family members and a little break from each other every now and then. Such as, if you are using the default every other weekend visitation, then switch the weekends so that your child goes to the other house one weekend and the next weekend the other children go. That way the kids get a break from each other every weekend, and they also have the opportunity of time with their own parent without the step-sibling. It may help relieve some of the tension.
Other than that, I don't think that tension between the children should necessarily hinder a marriage between you and M. If you two truly love each other and exist happily together then go for it. It is good for children to see positive relationships, though it may take a very long time for them to learn to accept it. You can always get some books on divorce and how to deal with it for the kids (I know there are lots out there) and talk to them openly about their feelings. Let them help be a part of the problem solving process. Don't give them a choice in whether or not you and M marry, because that is really not up to them (you are the adults, they are the children and it is a decision between adults) , but discuss the situation with them, their feelings, and possible solutions and plans of action to help make things better.
Children can be surprisingly insightful when given the chance. You can even discuss things such as what they would like to see happen in their ideal perfect world, even though those desires may never come to fruition. It may be help then work through their own feelings and desires and realize that even though they may really want something, it isn't always possible.
I hope you find something in all of that remotely helpful or at least it offers some opportunities for consideration.
Good luck.
Hi S.~
Blended family in my childhood, too! I have to say, focusing only on the children...they are NOT going to get along. Even if they were all blood, they wouldn't get along, but throw in moms/dads new love interests and it's a battle...figure in the close ties that you all share and it's an all out war! My only suggestion is to weigh it out carefully. No, you shouldn't stay apart JUST for the sake of the kids getting along, but you also have to remember that this is not just a new b/f or g/f...this is potential therapy in waiting! I say, take it VERY slow and read the kids reactions...they are very adaptive, they may just surprise you! Keep them involved and informed and promise that they will be part of whatever you guys decide.
Good luck!
~L.
