On saturday my boyfriend and i are moving into our own place. Its my first time living with a man. I am so excited, i definately know this is the right step that we are taking. However, this now puts both of us in the role of a stepparent. He has two sons (6 & 3) and i have a daughter (23 mos). We only have his boys one or two nights a week plus every other weekend. my daughter is full time, exxcept every other weekend she goes to her dad's. since we started dating, we have been active in with the children. They know we're moving in together. i know things will go well, but how do we get through the transition period. my daughter has only lived with me and my parents (i moved home after i had her). we're both very excited, but now that the move is emminent, i'm getting nervous. i'm looking for people who have done this, and its turned out well. or stories of what you did that didn't work so well. I really don't need people to tell me how wrong this is. I know living together before marriage is not for everyone, but i feel this is what is supposed to happen with my boyfriend and i. thank you in advance!
*EDIT* We are getting engaged, i just don't know when he's actually going to ask me. he's already bought the ring and everything. we do have the kids on the same weekend usually. and they already look at each other as brother and sister. As for his ex and i, we are friends now. i talk to her almost daily on the phone. and she's excited about me and my bf moving in together, and me being a part of hte boys life. i don't know what else i need to add... but that's all i can remember for now
Thanks for all your input. things are going well in the new house. we're still sorting out roles and everything, but overall, nothing big. the boys and i have had some really good bonding time as i've become the weekend babysitter for their mother while she and my bf work. my daughter is having somewhat of a hard time adjusting, not because of living with the boys, but having her own room and new bed. thanks for the support.
I wouldn't put the kids in that position unless you have a ring and a date set, BUT if you do, you & BF need to agree on discipline ahead of time. List the house rules prominently (the first "thing" you need to hang!) and discuss consequences for breaking a house rule.
Make sure you and b/f have discussed at length discipline procedures, bed times, and overall sharing of the raising of the kids. It will be very rough at first I'm sure. As long as you and b/f are on the same page and back each other up as a united parenting front for the kids you will be okay. If you end up fighting because you cant agree on how to treat the kids the relationship will end quicker than a hiccup.
You are prepared for flack from the mom of his kids I hope. She might not embrace this, lots of moms hate their ex's g/f's or wives being with their children.
B/f is going to be the father figure for your baby as well, I'm sure you have certain expectations, I hope he can meet them for you.
I hope he isnt moving you in just to be the babysitter for when his kids visit, as you will soon feel resentments if that is the case.
I applaud you for realizing that this is gonna be sorta freaky and asking for advice. It will have it's ups and downs. Moving in with someone even when you dont have any kids involved can also be quite eye opening. I hope you arent jumping the gun and you do know each other well enough to take on this task. You are going from a mother of one to a mother of 3 overnight and being thrown into "wife" and "homemaker" mode. It's a tough job and not for the meek or weak.
Good luck, you know we are here for ya if things get cuckoo ;)
Don't do this unless you are absolutely positively going to get married.
Not for any religious reason , but for the sake of those kids.
If something goes wrong and you split this could be horribly traumatic for those kids. What's going to happen when your daughter gets attached to him and he leaves you. The man that has been in her life as a father figure is now gone again. That goes the same with those boys. Yet another mom is being take away from them. Children need stability. This is coming from an adult that is a step child and who did go through her parents divorce and countless of my mom's boyfriends before she remarried and that hasn't gone so well. PLEASE at least get engaged first. So that staying together is concrete in each others hearts and minds. And in the heats and minds of those kids.
Once you do get married and you truly are the stepparent you discipline your children , he disciplines his. Present a united front but each with your own kids " bring down the hammer" if not you will create resentment in the kids. You aren't their mom don't pretend to be their mom.
Are you planning to marry each other? If not, don't do this.
I'm a child of divorce, and my mom moved in with someone in my early teens. He was very nice, but I kept my guard up for quite a while. Finally, I relaxed. Well, long story short, he left eventually. I realize that marriages break up (believe me, I know, mom's working on #5), but boyfriend/girlfriends break up more.
You are not just moving in with your boyfriend, your family is moving in with his family, and you will not officially be a family together until you are officially a family together.
So if you ARE planning on marrying each other, get engaged. Make it official in your hearts and minds, because if you AREN'T ready to get engaged to this man, why are you moving in together?
I wish you all the best of luck.
Well, I want to anser the question, what Heather says is true, most of us only asked more questions!
But first I DO have a question.....what's the big rush? With three kids 6 and under, neither you or your BF have been divorced/separated very long.
K, that said, only thing I have to add is be mindful 24 hrs a day for the next 15 years, the boys already HAVE a mother, and a set of rules and a set of values and a working relationship with their dad.....
you will likely never understand or even hear her side of the story, but whatever's she's doing is what she feels is best for her kids, however odd it strikes you.
Hope this helps, and good luck!
Much of how this situation will go will depend on yours and your boyfriend's ex - what they're like and how the communication and shared responisbilities will go. I've witnessed my sister become a step mother - and although she thought she could conquer the problem easily, it was tough. Her step kids were 5 & 8 at the time they married and are now in college. They went through tough times and you have to prepare yourself that they will come. My sister is a psychiatric nurse who handles group & individual therapy so she was as prepared as anyone can be.
The issues arose from a few things -
1) differences in discipline and household practices. My sister's kids were much older (college & Navy) and she had given her kids age appropriate chores (put away toys & books, to vacuuming, based on age). Her new husband didn't require his kids to do anything, so my sister ended up cleaning up after her stepkids when they were at her house & it caused resentment, and disagreements with her husband. The step kids would say "we don't have to do any of this at mom's house"... (it was shared custody every other week at each parent's house - they lived only a block away.) One family had a TV in every bedroom and that's how the kids fell asleep - another family didn't. The kinds of shows & movied, how much computer time is allowed - differs from one family to another.
2) Kids play parents off eachother. Kids don't do this intentionally - they just work with what they are given. Two different households will inevitably do things differently. It will be tougher for little kids becuase they have to shift their responses and actions and let's face it - it's not fair. So I think extra patience is needed but lots of firm, loving reminders. The kids will say - but mommy lets me do ____ , I want to go back to mommy's house. You need to respond with kindness understanding that they've only been on the planet a couple of years and this arrangement isn't their idea.
3) Different levels of responsibility - either your family of the ex will somehow end up with more than 50% of the laundry, driving to sports & practice, school involvement, etc. The family who ends up doing more will feel resentment, the family who does less won't realize it. Somehow my sister's stepkids always arrived sunday night with a bag of dirtly clothes for the week - and my sister would have to hurry to get something clean for Monday morning. Eventually she got used to it and was prepared for a quick load of laundry upon the kids' arrival. But it NEVER changed. WHen the kids were young it wasn't their fault. As they got into midle & high school my sister taught them how to do laundry so she wasn't hurrying through this at 9:00 every other Sunday night.
4) Finances are NEVER fair. As much as the courts try to get this right one side of the family always ends up paying more towards clothing, sports, etc.
5) Communication with the ex - this is a tough one becuase while it really should be only between the parents of the child(ren) it can't always be and sometimes the step parent is the better communicator, or is less emotionally invested. You have to figure out what works best for you. My sister's husband's ex will often call my sister to make suggestions, ask about plans, etc - but my sister leaves the decision making to the kids' dad.
6) Sexuality & kids who are not blood related. This is a tough one more for teenage obys than girls. Teen boys are very sexually charged - they can't help it - their hormones are in HIGH gear. When they are teens they will be living with a "little sister" who really isn't blood related. Teenage girls tend to run to the laundry room in their bra & panties looking for their favorite jeans (or wahtever) - & the unrelated teenage boys have to deal with stuff that they're feeling that they're not prepared for. Please be realistic about this as the kids get older. Seems like crazy talk at this age - but the years FLY by - and before you know it you have a house full of teenagers. Be sure to protect all three of them from themselves and eachother. This is not about bad kids - it's about normal kids. Stuff can happen and the kids are so confused and it can be a very painful situation. I plead with you about this.
There are a lot of expectations by parents that aren't going to be perfectly met (both parents want the kids for holidays for example), and there will be feelings that one family is doing more financially, or not enough in terms of making sports practices, etc. The key is really that the kids have to be the first priority before you - the adults. Your both had made commitments to your children by bringing them in to the world before you made committments to eachother - so this situation requires self sacrifice (as does most of parenting). It may also require that you be the bigger person in ego-driven situations with ex-es. You may really want the kids at your house for a particular holiday but the kids really want to be with their mom this year for a particular reason. So give up your own ego and let it be about the kids.
Lots of communciation with the the ex is needed to provide firm discipline - kids need boundaries and need to know that there are people who love them and have built fortress walls of protection (emotional, psychological, financial, etc.) around them.
My sister's step kids have grown up into lovely young people - they are both smart and well rounded, they work hard and are truly nice people. Are they the kids my sister would have raised if all the family practices had been hers? No - but they're still good kids that my sister is glad she's been able to be so close with them and we are blessed to have them as part of our family.
My step-daughter was 4 When I moved in with my now husband, and things went really well. She called me by name for a while, and then literally the day we got married she started calling me mom. She is 15 now, and still calls me mom, even though her mother isn't around, she knows that I am her step-mom and somewhere out there she has a biological mom.
She is my world! The hardest transition will be with Discipline, but if you and your boyfriend set ground rules for how all the kids will be disciplined, you will be fine. The only other thing I would worry about is the matter of your daughter being a full timer and the others kids only being there a couple of days a week... she might start to think she rules the roost and has more power than the others, or resent the fact that when the boys are there she gets a little less attention... but thats all easy stuff, enjoy life and make the best of it! I grew up in a "brady bunch" family, 1 whole brother, one half sister, and 4 step-siblings.... we all got along great and grew up well together, and are all still close today.
Good luck and enjoy!
OK, well I am going to assume that by moving in with each other your relationship has gotten very serious and you are not simply "casually dating as some posters here may assume. LOL! I am going to give you some background here. First of all, I am a mother of 4 beautiful kids, ages 7 yrs to 20 yrs old. My oldest recently came to my husband and I, well at least her boyfriend did and asked if he could propose to her in the near future. He is talking about in the next 6 months or so. We love him, and he is family already as they have been together for quite some time. They are very "young" though, and we told him that 1 of the several conditions that we would have prior to getting MARRIED, (not engaged) would be for them to actually live together for at least a year, without breaking up. Look, marriges seem to be pretty disposable these days, and my hubby and I are coming up on our 21st annev this month, which makes 24 yrs together. Yes, we were 18 when I met him, but I was a much "older" 18 than my daughter. Not quite so sheltered and young since I had already lived on my own and gone to college for a while. My point is, you don't really know someone until you live with them full time. You need to share expenses, the duties of a home and kids if you have them, see how you react to stress, and frankly, see how the other will react when you are sick. Can this person take care of you if you are down with the flu? Sounds weird, but those things are very important. It's much easier to wak away from something BEFORE you are legally married.
Now as far as the kids go, they will be fine. How do they get along with you all now? Your daughter is very young. Does she like your boyfriend? Is there contact with the bio Dad? If not, you are doing her a big favor potentially by allowing her to have a stable and healthy man in her life who is willing to act as a role model for her. Don't worry about who is doing the discipline with her unless you do not agree on how it should be done. Bottom line, she is YOUR child, so you do get final say. I believe that you really should take his ideas into consideration if you live together, unless he is pushing for some type of corporal punishment that you do not believe in, which in that case I doubt that you would be with him if that was the case. Your child needs to know that the 2 of you are a UNITED front when it comes to her rules and will stand together on all decisions. His kds should be the same, however since they will be there less, he should be the one who actually speaks to them about any behavior issues. You should have input in the decisions, and they should know that you are together on them as always, but let him do the actual doling out of any necesary punishments for a while, at least until you are all more comfortable with each other. Let all of the kids know that this is THEIR house together with you both, and nobody gets left out, no matter how much or little time that they spend there. Your daughter cannot end up the "queen bee" just because she lives there full time, however, she does get to have certain things that are hers and hers alone because lets face it, they have a home to go to that she does not. They are old enough to explain it to and just that way. I am sure she will be so happy to see tham and to be able to "hang out" with them for a little while when they do come visit, that she won't really care what they touch of hers or what they do. Mixed fmilies manage all of the time, and do so very successfully. It can be a lot of work, but it is very rewarding too. I bet in a few months you will look back and wonder why you were so nervous about this all after all. LOL! Good luck!
Pfffffft, honey. If anyone is telling you that living together before marriage, tell them to go back to the 1800's.
If you are religious and it was a big deal to you, then you wouldn't be doing it. Obviously it isn't a big deal, so be confident in that.
I think you just shouldn't worry too much about it. Hopefully you're daughter loves it. My step-daughter loves it when we move house and seems to enjoy having two homes (she's almost 5).
If things start out a bit bumpy, just stick with a routine and it will all eventually smooth out. Children are far more resiliant and adaptable then people give them credit for.
Best of luck :)
Wow. Sorry so many people didn't actually answer your question and instead decided to try to tell you their opinion about moving in together.
My husband moved here from Ohio when my son was 15 months old. We hadn't EVEN really dated and we moved in together. We had known each other about 10 years and we just knew. He moved here in Sept, we got engaged in Dec and married that following March. We'll be married 5 years this March. We're still deliriously happy.
As to being a step parent... make sure you talk to your boyfriend about having a united front. You shouldn't undermine him in front of the kids and he shouldn't undermine you. You guys should be a team. If you disagree with each other -- have an agreement to talk about it in private, so the kids don't see you debating how to raise them. Kids are VERY smart and they will take advantage of you guys disagreeing so fast your head will spin - they will try to get one of you on their "side" and it could cause tension between you guys.
My husband and I also have a rule - the parent that puts you in time out is the one that lets you out. Same idea - helps keep the lines clear, and we don't step on each others toes.
Have you spoken to your boyfriend - do you have a pretty good feeling that you guys are on the same page about how to raise kids? Chores? Discipline? Bedtimes? Thats pretty important. If you're deathly against TV, but he lets his kids watch TV 24/7 -- you wouldn't believe how maddening that would be after a while. If you guys have similar values and views the transition should be pretty painless for the kids. If you have different values you need to work out solutions now before it comes up with the kids - so they don't feel the tension and it appears to them you guys are on the same page.
Good luck!
It's not just wrong from a moral standpoint - practically speaking it's very risky to get your daughter attached to this new family when there is no legal commitment (i.e., marriage).
And if you do end up staying together, have you considered what it will be like to have teen males and a female living together, under the same roof, and not blood related?
Think 10 years from now . . . not just today.
Sorry if this sounds harsh - have seen this type of situation go badly for people.
Good luck to you and your daughter.
Agree 100%!!! I had a daughter with my husband and we were living together for 2 years before we got married. Son number 2 was on the way when we got married, and then we had one more after we were married. Whatever works for YOU is the right thing to do - so just ignore any negative comments :o).
I would just keep to the routine. Change as little as possible (minus where you are living) and things should go smoothly. It's not like you are coming in as a new person, so if you already have a good relationship with the stepsons, you should be good to go!
1. Congratulations!!
2. Try to acclimate the same rules in the home for everyone all the time. (Dad should know how he ran things for his kids and those rules should be consistant when the boys are there and when they are not.)
3. Your daughter is young and will adapt. The boys have a mom but also have to respect you in your and their daddy's home. Daddy needs to be the heavy when it comes the them and needs to make sure they repect you. They are also young, but that is a double edged knife. They will adapt ok, but be very confused if Daddy does not back you.
4. Sit down with Daddy and set down ground rules for the kids and excpectations for the 2 of you Limites who is responsible for what.
Moving in now gives you the chance to see whether you two will work as step parents and a parenting couple. I think it is a good thig. Yes it ia risky but so is everything we do. Good luck, and I hope all goes well.
My husband and i moved into together before we got married, with 5 kids under age 7ish between us. It can be tricky. My best advice, while you are a family and need to maintain that identity for the sake of the kids remember those boys are his. parenting them is his job. My husband is great, but wasn't an active parent, and we had custody of his kids (who ended up not being his, long story) so I ended up over stepping my bounds and creating a lot of drama with his family and their mother. Yes they have to respect you, and they have to listen to you, and you should be involved in their lives, but you're not mom, you may love them like your own but you need to take a back seat at times.
