My mother in law has all boys so now that she has a granddaughter she tries to take control over every situation and it’s driving me crazy. I have no control over my daughter at all and it’s irritating. My fiancé and I talked about breastfeeding her as soon as we knew I was pregnant and I followed through with it the whole time we were in the hospital and when we got out but we had to start supplementing with formula recently because my supply keeps going down but his mother continues to give her strictly formula when she knows how I feel about it and how I want to breastfeed. Also she’s always trying to tell me what’s best for my child like pacifiers I did NOT want my daughter to have them and she started giving them to her without my permission and she gives them to her when she’s not even crying and now she has my fiancé doing it also. She always talks down on his family on his dads side and she talks bad about my mother saying everything bad that you could imagine I’m sure she’s said it at some point or another. I happen to like his fathers side of the family way more than hers and since we’re living with her temporarily because a tree fell on our house a few days before my daughter was born it makes it harder because now she has this crazy idea that we’re going to be living with her permanently and I just can’t do it. I don’t know how to go about this because I’ve talked to my fiancé and he said that he’ll talk to her but I feel like he won’t since it’s his mom. What are some of your suggestions on what I can do?
Get married and move far far away (like several time zones) from interfering family members.
Then you only have to deal with it either when they visit you or you visit them - maybe only once or twice per year.
Some distance can help you to create some healthy boundaries if you aren't able to establish any without it.
for starters, she's not yet your MIL.
what do you expect her to feed your daughter if you (and your breasts) aren't there?
i'd be pissed off about the pacifiers. i don't have a problem with them, but it's not okay for your bf's mom to go against your wishes. have a very firm and VERY courteous conversation with her. 'marybelle, dominick and i have made the decision not to use pacifiers. i know you disagree but this is something we feel strongly about and need you to understand. if you continue to give periwinkle a pacifier against our will we'll have to curtail her time with you. i hope you will abide by our wishes even though we are aware of your disagreement. your knowledge and experience are valuable to us and we love that you are developing a close relationship with periwinkle. but we are her parents and we get the final say.'
ignore the gossip and bad-mouthing. seriously. stay out of it, and leave the room every time it starts up.
you're living in her home. it's hard on you, especially having a new baby, and it's hard on her too. having 3 people in your space, one of them a newborn and one your son's baby mama who doesn't like you, is a hard situation for her. i know you're all focused on how awful she is to you, but i'm betting she's got a valid beef or three as well. a little gratitude would go a long way.
expecting your boyfriend to browbeat his mom who is letting you live with her is a little unrealistic. yeah, he should have your back with stuff like the pacifier, but this is all new to him too.
and this is his mom.
hope you are able to move out and establish healthy happy boundaries soon.
khairete
S.
First on the agenda: Move out. Seriously. Even a tiny apartment would be better. Get your fiance looking for your own place today.
In the meantime, it's simple but not easy. You should not talk to her, that is up to her son. But you can talk to the baby:
(you, seeing baby with pacifier): "Hi baby, looks like Grandma forgot that we aren't giving pacifiers" (said with a smile on your face as you take it away and comfort her some other way).
(you seeing Grandma feeding the baby with a bottle): "Oops, Grandma forgot that I'm breastfeeding. Let's put that away, and I'll feed you now." (again, said with a smile as you take the baby from her and sit down to breastfeed).
You will have to be diligent and do it every single time. If your MIL interjects that the paci is fine or that the bottle is fine, just say "I appreciate your advice, but I'm the mom and I'll decide for my baby, thanks." Don't get into an argument, just repeat yourself over and over as long as needed.
Don't engage her when she starts talking badly about people. Try to change the subject or leave the room, and if that doesn't work, say neutral things like "Hmm, interesting. I like Joe. He's always kind to me" or "My mom has her faults, as we all do, but I love her."
First off, in my opinion, she's not your MIL. She's your boyfriend's mom.
No matter WHAT happened BEFORE your baby was born? YOU MUST MOVE OUT OF HER HOME. TODAY. Get to a hotel and take control of your life.
Your "fiance" MUST stand up to his mother. if he can't or won't? Your life with him will be a battle.
Your renters or home owners insurance should be getting your house repaired and providing you with a temporary space. I know ours did when we had earth quake damage in California.
Stop giving her an ear when she starts in on her nastiness. Get up and leave. Or tell her to stop and change the subject.
WHEN did you tell your fiance to talk to his mom? Does he understand what is going on? If you asked him weeks ago and nothing has changed. NOTHING WILL CHANGE!! Understand that now. This will be your relationship with this guy for as long as you are with him.
She might have the "CRAZY" idea that you will be living because your fiance hasn't set her straight and might like the idea of living with mama. Get to the bottom of it. This is a tough time as the first year is the hardest and living with other people who don't respect your wishes make it even harder.
MOVE!! RUN!!!
I have a great mother in law. I've been married for over 25 years. Have we had issues? Yep. EVERY relationship does. Mine respects my marriage and my wishes for raising our kids. My HUSBAND and I are a united front. We don't bad mouth each other or our family members as that just creates a "defensive" attitude. We say things like "I don't like the way Martha (instead of HIS MOTHER) does this. **I** prefer ...." and then are united. So when he needs to talk with his mom (his dad is dead), it's S. and I have talked and we need to talk about X. We TRULY try NOT to say "YOU DID THIS" or YOU as that just starts the person on the defensive and allows for a more civil conversation.
My first instinct is to tell you to run. He hasn't married you yet! He's getting what he wants!! Why pay for the cow when the cow gives you the milk for free?
It doesn't appear that he has any desire to move out of mamas house. Especially since she seems to believe you will be there permanently.
I wish you luck. It sounds like you need it!!
Your insurance should be paying for temp housing while your house is being fixed if your house is unlivable. Call them and move out of your fiances' mother's house asap.
Where are you when she's giving that baby a paci? When its time to feed the baby? When she puts the paci in the baby's mouth take it out. If you see one laying around bury it in the trash. When its time to feed the baby pick her up and walk to your room to breast feed. Seriously put your foot down and let her know that you and her son will raise your daughter as you see fit. She's already done her job as a mom now is her time to sit back and be a grandma.
I felt a lot like this when my oldest was born. I think my MIL was just trying to help, but all I heard was unsolicited advise. She seemed shocked that I was capable of doing anything without her help. She would take my son out of my arms if he was crying. I was miserable.
I knew that part of the problem was that she just always told people what she thought. Good or bad, she felt it was her responsibility to say what she thought. My husband and his siblings honestly don't respect that about her. If they don't like what she says, they just ignore her. Personally, I think that only causes her to be more persistent.
Part of it is that she honestly wants to be helpful and needed. Maybe needed more than helpful. She wanted me to need her to tell me how to be a mom (as if my own mom was useless).
What really helped my situation was for me to "need" her once in awhile. I come up with a list of things that I could ask her advise on - things where she would never know whether I took her advise or not. I would ask her what books she read her kids when they were little or what songs she would sing with them. Anything I could think of that didn't affect how I was parenting my child right then. This helped a lot because she still felt needed.
I'm not sure if your concern about pacifiers has to do with breastfeeding or not. If that's your reason, I would really try not to worry about it. I know some will tell you to stay away from bottles and pacifiers for weeks or even months to avoid nipple confusion. Maybe that's true of some babies, but my oldest had a bottle withing an hour of his birth and a pacifier shortly there after. He was in the nursery for 10 days and was bottle fed most of the time (I breast fed when I could). He never had any trouble breastfeeding. My youngest didn't have his first bottle until he was 3 days old. Same thing - absolutely no issues going back and forth.
They both quite using the pacifier around 4 months. It did nothing for them, but all kids are different.
Relax. Try to remember that you are the mom for life. If your MIL wants to help out right now, take a nap. You won't be living with her forever, and your little girl will always know who her mom is. She may also love Grandma, but you are Mom, and no one can change that.
My MIL had some pretty crazy ideas. I said, "Thanks for your opinion. I'll consider it." Next time, "Yes, I heard you. I've considered it." If she gives a paci, say, "Oh, if she needs to suck, I'll feed her." Take the baby into YOUR room and shut the door "for quiet and privacy." If she says one word about your mother, just say, "I'm sorry you don't like my mother but I'm sure you don't expect me to sit here while you cut her down. I certainly wouldn't sit there while someone badmouthed you." Then retreat to your room - shut he door. Or put the baby in a stroller or the car, and leave "for fresh air" or "an errand." Every time.
Your fiancé isn't husband or parenting material, is he? That's a red flag. Sometimes having a child brings out the worst of people's limitations.
I agree to find out about insurance covering alternative living space (even a motel room with kitchenette). A baby doesn't need much.I agree about going to stay with other family members."to give you a break," and I agree you should work much harder on getting your fiancé to make some decisions here. This situation is totally unmanageable if you allow it to continue.
MIL gives baby pacifier. "No MIL. We are not giving her pacifiers"
MIL gives baby formula. "No MIL. I want to breastfeed before I give her the bottle. Please respect that."
MIL talks bad about your mother. "MIL, please stop speaking about my family like that." Then walk away.
MIL talks about you living with her. "Oh MIL. You're so silly. We are excited to be in our own place again! We hate having to put you out!"
You only get treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. Don't let her treat you rudely.
Stand your ground NOW!! Let her know in no uncertain terms what you want to do with your child. This has nothing to do with having boys or girls this is all about control. She wants to be in control and you can't let her have control.
I would call his dad in front of his mom and ask if you can stay there for awhile. Tell her you are moving out if she doesn't back off.
Tell her she already raised her kid her way and now you are going to raise yours the way you want to. Your fiance is scared of his own mother. Stand up to her since he won't.
If you have no where else to live for now that's kind of hard. But you can still feed your own baby, there's no reason for your fiance's mother to be involved at all. If she's being that annoying go in your room and close the door. Hopefully your insurance will kick in for the fallen tree and you'll be back in your own place soon.
ETA:
Where are you when she gives her the pacifier or the bottle? You say no. Ultimately your fiancé should be handling this, but there's nothing wrong with you saying what goes with your baby if he's not there.
I am changing my response because this really is about boundaries. It's no different than anyone else telling you what to do. You can shut them down right away, or listen and say "Thanks, but that's not how I'm handling things".
In this case, if she's being rude or disrespectful, I'd just have your fiancé handle it entirely. If he doesn't, or doesn't back you up - that's an issue between you and him.
As for her badmouthing others - my MIL does that. It's something people who don't respect boundaries tend to do. You don't need to engage in any of this toxic behavior of hers.
STOP HER NOW!! It will only get worst..i am dealing with a similar issue at the moment with my child's father (we aren't together or married) mother and my daughter is 6 year old now. Long story short my child's father lives out of state and I allowed his mother to be apart of our daughters life. BUT now she is getting worst and worst with being controlling and overly possessive. I felt bad for her so I let her spend time with my daughter often up to 2 years ago...she started overriding my parental decisions just like your MIL is doing now and now I have been in a battle with her in court for about a year....please stop her NOW...stand your ground because its going to get worst down the line and she will try to come between you and your daughter.
You have to tell your fiance that his mother is trying to rule your life and that you just won't have it. Tell him that either you two move out or you will take the baby and move in with your mother, and he can stay with his mother and that will be it between the two of you.
Tell her point blank in front of your fiance that may NOT talk badly about your mother. If she has nothing nice to say about her, she may not say ANYTHING. This should be a deal-breaker for you. If you don't establish boundaries now, you will be miserable. You aren't married yet. You don't HAVE to marry him.
Move out on your own if you have to. Let the chips fall where they may. Your fiance sounds like a child. Why would you marry a child?
