If U Walk Away from Your Inlaws....

My choices would not have any influence over my hubby and his relationship with his family. He would eventually resent the person who is not supporting him to have a relationship with his parents.

My sister has been rather mean to her daughter-in-law. The son and his wife have just agreed that she is his mom, so any and all contact goes through the son. When the grandkids visit, the son takes them. The wife stays at home. There is never any complaining or arguing, just a silent agreement. and my sister is rarely if ever invited over to their house.

I never much cared for my ex's family, strangely when my ex was around. Got along with them great when he wasn't there. :p Long story but he was a tool even then and they expected me to control him. Err, you raised him.

Anyway, always made sure there was plenty of wine and always brought two cars to family events. :)

A thousand flowers for Momof3girls! from Lansing. She is exactly right. I have had some serious inlaw trouble, but now it's getting better because they see my husband and I as a united front. My husband would never let me take the fall for decisions that he makes, why does your husband let them treat you so badly?

Well to me it would totally depend on the reasons. I'm not the type of person who cuts people off without a REALLY good reason - (you always lie, hurt my kids, betrayal, etc...)

I would certainly want my husband to try to maintain a relationship with his parents. Although it may be strained, it would be worth it in the long run. I think life is too short to carry grudges and be mad at someone forever, unless of course a significant impasse has occurred. I've had friends who stopped speaking with their parents over silly squabbles, then their parents have died, and they regret not mending the relationship. Once they're gone, you can't get that back.

It would totally depend on the reasons.

Good luck!

My husband comes from a large family. One of the wives of the brothers doesn't like his family (some history I wasn't around for). She NEVER comes to events. I've seen her maybe 3 times in 10 years. So yes, you dont' have to be around your husbands family and he can still go to functions and such. The two of you need to come to an understanding about it though, so it causes as little friction between the two of you as possible.

His family is your family. If you don't make an effort, then how you can expect them to? You owe it to your husband and children to work on your relationship with them.

People write each other off so easily these days, but these situations aren't all about you/me/us. They're about being the bigger person and being good examples for the kids. They're about being there for our spouses and respecting them enough to tolerate their family even when you don't always get along.

If I had just written off my in-laws during our engagement or during my eldest daughter's first two years of life when I absolutely hated them, I would have lost out on some amazing relationships and so would my children. And I'm certain that my marriage would have suffered for it.

That is something you have to figure out for yourself as a couple. I can tell you if you can both agree it is healthiest to remove all members completely. However some big flouncy announcement is NEVER acceptable, simply stop communications and allow them to "get the hint"

i have done exactly this with my MIL.. i have cut her COMPLETELY out of my life. my husband's relationship with her is very strained due to the circumstances that led to me cutting her our of my life. he offered to never have anything to do with her again, but that's not what i wanted, i just wanted her venomous drama, lies, and bad decisions away from me. dh talks to her on the phone once or twice a month, sends her a card for holidays - she speaks to the children on the phone once in a while. i am still trying to decide if i'll allow her to see the kids this summer - i am considering allowing my husband to take the kids to go visit her, but only with VERY strict boundaries in place that BETTER be adhered to, or it will be the end of her EVER seeing them and the end of our marriage. due to what she's done, i hold ALL the cards when it comes to the kids, and dh and MIL know it. our marriage is better now than when she was a constant presence, it CAN be done.

K.:

If you don't get along with your in-laws then you can choose not to interact with them. It's called a CHOICE for a reason.

Your husband does NOT need to drag you to each and every family event. Nor should you drag him to yours.

It's called communication. No hitting below the belt. State your expectations and what you are willing to do and compromise with your spouse to find a happy middle ground. You don't need to divorce him over his family.

Now, Riley has a GREAT case and I don't blame her O. iota for keeping her Monster In Law from her & her child, but otherwise, I think the mature thing to do is to maintain a somewhat civil relationship, for the sake of NOT putting your husband in the middle of a situation.

K., clearly I am not familiar with your particular situation, but for mine, because I love my husband and my kids so much, I put on a damn happy fake face when I have to deal with them.
I AM NOT a fake person, but for them I would do anything, including putting all my beliefs and values aside.
That is what I call unconditional love....

Of course there is a way to stay married and not have personal contact with your inlaws. However, that would mean that even after talking with them, visiting, etc. you wouldn't be able to talk about it with him.

Having your hubby only have contact with them opens up a whole section of his life that you would know nothing about. The wonder, paranoia, and stress of what was being said or done about you by them WILL add stress to you marriage.

You limit your time, but if you have kids, I don't think you can completely cut them out, unless they are harming your kids. So maybe all of you visit for xmas for 2 hours max, same thing for tgiving. You don't have to see them any other time, your husband can visit them with your kids, if you have them. That's what I would do. It shows that you are still there as a "family" for major holidays, yet you don't have to stay forever and you don't really have to see them any other time. That's my opinion. Good luck!!!

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That's a tough one. When you marry, your spouse and children come first. In-laws come later. DNA does not make you family. It is earned. If you've tried everything to keep the peace and things are still not working out then I would stay away. This is what happened with us and my in-laws (outlaws). If the in-laws are not a good influence for the children then they wouldn't go either. In my case, my in-laws had no problem taking poorly about me in front of my children and playing favorites with my 2 boys I had at the time. The oldest was adopted by the husband, the younger was his blood. My husband treated them the same. His family did not. It was uncalled for so my children stopped visiting as well. At first my husband was a jerk about the whole thing, trying to please both sides. It almost ruined our marriage. He finally got with the program and stuck by me and the kids and lost his extended family for several years. He was part blame but it was mostly their fault. In the end, those people are not my family so I felt no obligation to do more than what was necessary. It went the same way with my extended family. Difference was, my mother made ann effort to get along with my husband. (my mom was/is a judgemental woman) She made the effort to get along for my sake and the kids. His family did not. It was their way or the highway. He was the youngest and treated him like a child even though he had been to combat for crying out loud. It was almost like a cult with his family. Insane. They wanted him to leave his military career and move back to their little town and work a minimum wage job and go on welfare with no health benefits just to be near them cuz that's what they all did. Um, no way! I was raised that when you grew up you went off to have your own life. My mother was upset when we moved away but she was supportive and never complained or made us feel guilty like his family. Ugh. I could go on forever, lol.

In the end, your husband should choose you and the kids first. If his family cannot treat all of you with respect then none of you should associate with them. It should be your husband to address them, not you. He should stand up for his family and put his foot down. If they cannot treat all of you with respect then your husband will let them know it will not be tollerated and you will not be attending the next function. If it keeps up you may just eventually keep away from them all together. If you do attend a function and someone does not behave them something needs to be said right then. If the situation is not remedied then the entire family leaves immediately with no apologies. Just stay civil and move on. No yelling or scenes.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

Goodness! I think it an impossible question to answer, especially with the little information you provided. Every situation is different, and everyone is different. You and your husband have to see if you can come up with a compromise that works for your family.

I'd say see a family counselor. Or a marriage counselor. Just you and your DH. The goal would be on how to best deal with your in-laws. Go into counseling with that goal.

My SIL is a piece of work. We have worked for years on how to deal with her. Sometimes that is not dealing with her at all. Other times it is how to communicate on our terms, but having a little counseling with tips on how to handle her and when to protect ourselves has been very helpful.

Good Luck!

honestly, despite all these great heartfelt honest answers....

i believe this is not something we can tell you. this has to be worked out between you and your husband. there is no "normal", no matter what you think. i didn't read through ALL the answers but from what i glanced at, you got really varied responses. each family is different and what each of us would do is probably different (also depending on the situation). so in this case i would truly say, we can't help you.

my suggestion is to discuss this with your husband. the two of you have to work out what is normal. is he WILLING to have his family separate from you? does HE feel it means divorce? can he see why you would want to sever contact? can he respect it? it's really got to be between the two of you. i hope that you can work something out. i can't see why it would HAVE to mean divorce. good luck!

I answered a post you deleted from last week... I get along with my in-laws better then I do most of my own family, but my hubby can't stand his in-laws (meaning my family).

He hasn't divorced me just because of them - we have been married over 17 yrs & together for over 20 yrs. He doesn't go to my family things... unless it is something like a funural & I REALLY need his support - but that means he is there for me not them.

Honestly, the only time my family (who dislike him as well) want anything to do with us or him is to cause problems. The latest was in Nov when I was in ICU w/ a brain bleed... my mom tried talking me in to leaving my hubby as usual. He was home talking care of 5 of our kids. She go upset at me - so much so she stopped coming to see me because I wouldn't agree with her ways. Actually she didn't even come to see her mom either because we were on the same floor for a week after I got out of ICU and we walked to visit eachother since our rooms were only 3 rooms apart. Another time my mom refused a call in cause I delivered a baby at the hospital she was working & she was being called in to help in the nursery - which ment she would have to tend to my husband's baby & she was mad at him for something... I still don't know why she did likes him! He doesn't beat us, he does try to provide for us, he does love all our kids (even when all 6 of them act up) and I am the center of his world... what parent could ask for more??? No, I haven't gotten all my dreams - but I'm not dead yet either - I still have time to reach them :)

So, to answer your question - yes your hubby can have a relationship with his family & you not be so invaulved with it... but it is something you two need to come to & work out. It may take sometime & a lot of give & take - but if you love him & he loves you, then it is worth working out and not getting a divorce over.

As I said last week... hubby doesn't attend my family things, but the kids and I do. He does let me have everyone (my family too) over for Christmas Eve appitizers & cookies, but that was the agreement we worked out. And he has attended some of my families funerals... the ones I knew I couldn't make it through without extra support - like my grandma's (my real dad's mom). Eventhough he HATES funerals & dead bodies.

I wish you luck!!! If you love him work it out... the in-laws don't live in your house - you only need to deal with what is in your walls everyday, honestly everything outside of them doesn't matter all that much!!!!

I don't like alot of my inlaws, but not because they have treated me, but because of how they treat my husband. My husband's parents divorced when he was very little (I think he was 3). His dad had been cheating. His mom moved back to Indiana (from MI) because that's where her family lived. His dad chose not to have contact with him, and signed over his parental rights so his stepdad could adopt. My husband was the one who had to have contact with him when he was an adult. My husband's dad's side never calls us, and I had one of his aunts yell at me because I hadn't driven my one year old up the 8 hrs to see them (Like I said they don't even bother to call us why should we drive that far with a kid that small) Now my husband gets along with his dad and it is important to him because he never got along with his step/adopted dad. So he comes down a couple times a year to visit our son. But recently he got rid of his home phone and email and didn't bother to give my hubby the new number, plus he keeps making promises to come down and see the baby (our 4mnth old whom he hasn't met) but hasn't even bothered to call to see about her let along has come down. I am sorry but when you change your number you call your kid and tell him, you don't let months go by so that your kid worries and has to have his wife get ahold of his half sister (I am friends with his half sister on facebook) to inquire what is going on. I know it is important to my husband to keep the relationship with his dad, but he keeps getting hurt and feels abonded again after this phone number thing, but I would never stop him from seeing his dad, I did however say if his dad wants to come down he is staying at a motel because I am not playing hostess to someone who thinks its ok to just drift in and out of his son's life whenever he wants.

My husband and I stay on the same page about things. We have never (and hopefully never will) go separate ways regarding any issue. Try as you might to not let it, it does cause a strain on your relationship when this happens. So when I had MIL problems, I swallowed my pride, showed that woman the upmost respect, even when she blatantly disrespected me, out of love & grace for my husband. Eventually, she came around and realized I wasn't going anywhere, and we get along now. I couldn't speak for some un-mentioned circumstance, but that's what my experience was.

So what is your Husband's opinion about this? And about how she treats you? Or your children?

A Husband and Wife should ideally be, on the same page about it. And if your MIL is treating you badly, then Husband should step up.

I have a friend who had a monster mother in law. But her Husband felt the same way about his Mom. He knew his Mom is just toxic. After trying for so long to get along... they disowned her. The MIL was not good for their kids either. The MIL's own Husband can't stand her nor their neighbors. She is just a toxic woman.
Anyway, so since they disowned her, they are happier and have a normal life and their kids too.

I am in that exact position and it took a while for it to sink in for DH that his mom and I were never going to have a good relationship. But he finally accepted it and if he wants to see his mom he knows I don't have a problem with him going over there. He can't take my son, though because her BF smokes in the house.