"If I Could Do It All over Again, I Wouldn't"

As a husband, I vent "to" my wife.

She is my support, even when I have to vent about family.

That said, when a topic is too touchy, I have a sponsor to vent to. Most people don't have sponsors (I'm a recovering alcoholic).

Would I have said the same? Not as I sit here, but I could envision a giant storm of stress that might prompt it.

My wife also makes more than I do. I'm also a WAHD. I also suffer through both the SAH judgments as well as the 'weird dad' judgments. I can only imagine what that would feel like if I were less progressive. And it certainly would be worse if I had been taught my whole life that the man supports his family.

I'd really take it as a vent. There's no divorce papers, he ain't packed a bag - but ya gotta let the man blow off some steam - - even the ill-advised and poorly worded. :)

You know what this sounds like to me?
Like it's easier for him to blame a 3 year old for his misfortune than to take responsibility for his own life and his decisions.
What a jerk.
I'm sorry--but WHO says that?

Is it REALLY about your son or about the fact that he's unemployed and not happy being a SAHD (is he?) while his wife climbs the career ladder? I would be calling my EAP to see if DH could get some counseling.

Hi Sally,

I'm sorry you are upset by your husband's honesty. And, although I think it's fine that he was honest with you.... I hope this is something that your son never learns. I also understand why that was upsetting for you..... but are you looking at this from your husband's point of view? It's fine for him to have different thoughts and feelings and conclusions than you.... I think that's normal.

I'm curious..... Why does it matter if he means it? and why are you "disturbed" that he said it?

Do you perceive that your husband will not continue to be a good father simply because he admitted he wouldn't do it over again?

You said that your son was "unexpected" and I don't know the circumstances around that.... but perhaps that enters into your husband's feelings.... this extra work, and financial stress, and constant giving, and complete change of lifestyle.... these were not things he CHOSE. But he has stepped up to the plate and been, what you describe, a "loving father".

Perhaps, if he felt he had been given a "choice" he might have a different take?

On top of the pressures and stresses of a child (that you guys didn't plan) he has suffered a career setback... that you indicate is partly because you have a child???? I'm not sure if that means your husband has made sacrifices in the type of career he would have so that he wouldn't travel, work many hours etc..... But unemployment can be more devastating for a man than for a woman because it can be impactful to them on a very base level of who they are (which is why fertility and/or miscarriages are typically more hard for the female....but not always).

He is also watching YOU advance to the career he wants, while he is not. It tells me about his character that he is not resentful or clinically depressed after 3 years.

What can you do to support his career? What can you do to make him feel.... whatever it is he ISN'T feeling.... like a provider, like a free-spirit...whatever.

If I were you.... instead of being disillusioned.... I would thank my lucky stars that you have a husband who felt he could be honest with you and who is being an involved loving father and husband despite feeling that he wouldn't do it over again. Recognize that just because he wouldn't do it over again, doesn't mean he won't do his best because it happened.

And you both need to make sure you don't have any more "unexpected" children... however you have to do that.

Good Luck

I don't even know where to begin. How does having a child hinder his employment? My kids are motivators for me. He's blaming his failures as a man on his child. That part bothers me alot. I may be going too far, but I don't think it is healthy for him to be your sons caregiver if he blames him for holding him back. It's not healthy for his state of mind and I wouldn't want my son in that situation.

The part about doing things differantly is less troublesome. I love and enjoy my little ones and wouldn't change a thing about them or my life.....but .if I were in that same situation now, would I still make that choice? No, probably not. That doesn't mean I regret having my children or don't cherish them. I just wish I had gone about it differantly.

I'm sorry your husband's comment hurt your feelings. He didn't say he doesn't love your son, he just said that had he had a choice, he wouldn't do it again. I think that's legitimate.

What I don't get is how having a child is stopping him from pursuing his career goals? Does he have to watch your son while you work leaving him no time to work on his career goals? What, exactly, does that mean?

Let your husband know that single mothers figure out every day how to pursue their dreams while providing the sole care and support for their children. Tell him to put on some "big GIRL panties" and figure it out and stop sitting around blaming 3 year old!

I mean, there are plenty of things I wouldn't want to do *again*. Doesn't mean I regret doing those things (I'm very happy they lead me to where I am now), but once is enough.

For example, zero children to one child, and then from one child to two children; those were rough transitions in our home. It was exhausting hard (and also beautiful profound). I am so very grateful for both our children. I am grateful AND it was rough.

I wouldn't change the past and I'm so glad we did make the choice to embrace the (unplanned) entrance of both our children into our family. I'm glad we did it, I'm glad we're through it, and I'm glad we're in a different present moment.
;-)

Does that make sense? Could that be what you're husband meant? I hope your day get's better. I'm sending hugs.

I agree with AV. The male ego is as fragile as fine China (maybe more!). Counseling could really help, and provide new perspective. Does your unemployment office offer training classes? I just took one to "reboot" my resume and got a federal grant to boot.

Lots of luck and love to you.

There are so many times over the past 20 years that I have felt that exact same way. I've just never been able to express it.

If I could go back knowing what I know NOW ... nope wouldn't have happened. Wouldn't have gotten married, wouldn't have had kids, none of it.

That's not to say that I don't love my family ... I do. But hindsight is 20/20 ya know? Knowing what you know now ... would you have done ANYTHING different? maybe waited? made sure you doubled (or even tripled up) on the bc?

I'm sure he actually means it ... I'm also sure that he loves his son. He just has that 20/20 past vision that says it wouldn't have happened, at least when it did. The poor timing doesn't negate his love for his child.

I think he might be suffering from depression. I would try and get him some help. This is not a normal thing for a dad to say and it would worry me greatly. It's one thing to think about something like that, but you take it a step further when you say it out loud. I'm so very sorry he said what he did.

I'm sorry his words came out the way they did. I can imagine how deeply they hurt you.

I'm trying to read between the lines here. There's not a lot of background, so forgive me if I'm overreaching in my interpretation of your situation.

Has he been unemployed because the two of you decided he'd be the stay at home parent, and now, he's feeling resentful of this (and possibly your new success)? Is he an author trying to write the great American novel? Was he laid off and unable to find a similar type of work? Does he have the requisite education and experience to work in the field he desires?

For a man with a wife and child to be out of work for 3 years, he's probably feeling very angry with himself as well as frustrated and helpless in not being able to get his career going in order to provide for his family. Sounds like some depression, possibly, as well.

Three years is a long time. I don't know what his career/field is, but it's time for him to re-evaluate and get some additional education and training. Or maybe get a completely different type of training or go back to school so he can get into a field where he CAN find a job. In the meantime, he should also be willing to take ANY type of work so that he can start building up his resume and his self-esteem.

If depression is part of the problem, he needs to make an appointment with his gp today to get a referral for counseling and/or medication. This self-defeating spiral has to stop, and he's the one who has to take action to turn this around.

Otherwise, it seems like the situation is just set for more hurtful comments and strife if he continues to feel badly about himself and takes it out on you and your son.

Maybe your husband was wishing that he'd worked harder to get his career established prior to having children, but if that's the case, he definitely chose the wrong way to word it.

The bottom line is your son is here, and your husband needs to get on board with that reality and do whatever it takes to remedy his personal problems so he can be the adult he needs to be. If that means taking entry level jobs and working his way up the ladder or going back to school AND working while being a parent, so be it. Thousands of people do it every day.

Please have a talk with him about this. It will only get worse if allowed to continue.

I truly wish you, your husband, and son all the best.

J. F.

I would be hurt if I heard that....at first.

But what if what he is really trying to say but not able to articulate is that he feels tied down in a way that makes him feel that he is unable to do what he needs to do? For instance, if he is home during the day with your son while you are at work, it would be hard to go to job interviews if he had to try to line up a sitter every time one came up. Maybe he feels unable to start school because he is thinking you can't afford the expense of childcare.

Maybe what he's saying is that he feels tied in to where he is and feels that he would have an easier time getting free. If that's the case, then don't focus on his words. Help strategize ways to free him up.

My husband COULD be a SAHD and would be excellent at it. He has had a career for so long and it is so much tied into his identity that he would NOT transition well. I have so much respect for Dad on Purpose for that very reason. It takes someone really strong in who they are to be able to withstand society's judgements and still see themselves as the contributor they are. By and large this is still a job that women are permitted to do without guilt way more than men. If you add that to someone that judges themself inferior I think it would be hard to overcome.

You need to talk more to him about what that means and why and then help him figure out ways to fix the why. Fix the why and you will fix the mindset.

I wish I could see how it is that having a child has cost him the opportunity to get a job. I can see that being married or having a relationship with someone who HAS a job and doesn't want to relocate could cause him to be unemployed. But I can't see where the child fits in here.

I really think that he is blaming his lack of success on the wrong thing. Perhaps he really just wishes he were single. I know that sounds awful, too.

I would definitely try to get him to go to counseling. He really needs it. If you don't, you two may end up divorced.

Good luck,
Dawn

Regardless of what is happening in life, nothing should be the child's fault. Blaming a toddler won't help anything--since he isn't the real problem!

People say things at times that they really don't mean. It would be easy to say that if the conditions were hard enough. People committ suicide when they feel bad enough, but that is not the norm.

Forgive and forget. When things get better he probably won't feel that way.

In six more months we will know if we are in for more of the same misery we've had for the last 3 years or if things will get better. Hopefully we will vote for a change and get things back to normal with new jobs and a recovering economy.

Good luck to you and yours.

Most likely he didn't mean it and he was lashing out to vent his frustrations. He's undoubtedly upset about something else. The real source could be any number of things - he doesn't have a career and/or he isn't able to be the breadwinner and/or he isn't where he saw himself at this point in his life and/or he's jealous/hurt by your professional success, etc. He needs help and he needs to work through how he feels, why he feels what he does and then putting a plan in place so he can stop feeling so negatively. Good luck and don’t let his outburst upset you. Things said in anger/high emotion can be way off the mark as we all know.

To me, it sounds like more of a jealousy thing. I think he's probably just jealous that you have the career that he wants. Is he a SAHD? Maybe he's having some issues with that and thinks that if you two hadn't had a baby that he could have a career. I'm sure he loves your son and he doesn't really mean it. Maybe he was just having an off day.
I hope things get better

While his words were hurtful, and I hope he didn't mean them in the depths of his heart, I can understand them.

Is he them main caregiver? Do you not have someone that helps watch your son? This was actually the main reason that I did everything I could to keep my kids in full time daycare and after care when my husband was laid off. He said 'well, I guess we'll save money by having me watch them'. I said no. He needed that alone time to search for a new job, schedule interviews, and just in general get a grip on not being the one to provide for his family.

He feels like he is missing opportunities by being a Stay-at-home. I assume money is tight, but would it be possible to have your son attend daycare part-time say Tues. and Thurs? So that Dad could set up interviews for those days? When you get home from your career, do you give Dad time off to do his own job searches? When hubby and I were looking, we would literally spend an hour+ just filling out one online application! How much time IS Dad given for job searching/'me' time?

I think it possible he did not really mean it, but is in a dark place right now. Wait until things improve with his mood and ask him if he meant it.

People do NOT always mean what they say. When I had our son it was exhausting and very hard for me. I had him in my mid 30's and I remember I hated my life. I said things back then that I didn't mean. Why? Because life had changed, I was worn out, I was depressed, and I wanted my old life back. It was a very lonely dark place, I think thats where your husband is right now. He didn't mean what he said. Its hurtful yes, but its not how he feels truly. Get him some help and give him time. My son & I are shadows of each other. I love him more than I've ever loved another human being. The hard times won't last forever .......sending you hugggsss.

I'm glad to hear your husband is such a loving Dad. I'm sorry he said that statement, I'm sure it was tough to hear. :( Maybe your husband is just the type that has trouble putting into words what he really feels/means. He probably meant to say something along the lines of, "If I could do it all over, I'd have a career and a child." I really believe everything happens for a reason, you can't always control how life goes. Has your husband been at home with your son while you've been at work? If so, I think in a way things have worked out well that he can be home with your son. I would talk to your husband about what he said later today, hopefully it just came out wrong. Ask him what he needs to do to be happy right now. Maybe it's just getting a job to get out of the house, even if it's outside of his chosen career, and your son could attend daycare.

My mother taught me that people really do mean what they say. The Bible teaches, "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks" (Matthew 12:34b). The question then becomes what are you going to do? The baby didn't ask to be here and your husband shouldn't be blaming him for his inability to figure out what he wants to do or be when he grows up.

I would strongly suggest you try to get husband into some form of counseling or get him some books on how to find his passion in life and pursue it.

I'm glad he told you how he is feeling now it is up to you to use this information to positively impact your marriage and your family's future.

Don't worry too much. We have a similar situation. I got pregnant unexpectedly when we lived in LA. Then we moved back to Germany, and I got into grad school in the Netherlands. I am now going to this amazing conservatory, but my husband is unemployed because his Dutch is not very good yet, and because there it no work for him here (he works in the music industry.) He also has a hard time writing music with our son around, and with everything being so scheduled. He just said: Miles killed something in me. Later he apologized, but I told him I understand. Our guys just have good days and bad days, and having a kid and no work is rough. I am sure it will get better for you, and for us too, at some point.