Marriage & Relationship

I think it is an ego thing. He has to be willing to work blue collar for awhile, at least till he has something cooking that allows him to utilize his degree. A piece of paper with credentials on it is useless if the family finances are not great. And until then, why can't he watch the baby? Guys get too comfortable being at home, they tend to get depressed over the job search - be he needs to get over it and find any job he can get for now. Beggars can't be choosers!

If he wants to try out different places and make money tell him to go to robert half international temp. agency. They have all different levels of jobs available and many of the places offer to hire the employees if they like them. If he doesn't like the place he can just go with the temp assignment and move on. But he can do this in between long term employment.

Hi there, I am sorry for your troubles. My husband is currently looking to hire. I am not sure of your area of town or your husbands experience, but my husband works downtown at Christus Santa Rosa Hospital as the assistant food service director and I know he is looking for some management types. I am uncertain of the pay, but I know it would be pretty good and with full benefits. feel free to e-mail me ____@____.com if you or your husband might want more info. God bless.

Hello,

I am a stay at home mom right now, but my career has always been in Human Resources. This is by far the worst time of year to find a job. BUT, that being said.. if my husband was to lose his job he told me he would wait tables at night or find something part-time to where he could look for a job during the day and make some money in the evenings. Of course if he lost his job I would have to find something to help out too, since he is the only source of income right now.

I have seen this with friends. One of my friends husband was unemployed for almost 2 years.. he would NOT really look.. and wanted recruiters to come to him or find his resume on Monster. He ended up being depressed.. due to the situation and it made matters much worse.

Another friend...her husband lost his job, and was out of work 6 months. It was around the holidays all well. He was an Engineer and was able to get random temp assignments while looking for a job. It wasn't much, but did help out with Christmas, etc.

I would really have a talk with him. It may be an ego thing with why he isn't getting a part-time job or willing to take a cut in pay temporarily, but maybe sitting down with him you can get a better feel for what is going on with him. If you guys are tight right now due to being on your income alone, I think he really should do whatever he can to help out.. mostly if your daughter can stay at your inlaws.

If you have seen proof that he is going on interviews, etc. I would try and be patient, but still have a talk.

Good luck to you!!

I will tell you that My husband has been out of work in the past (after loosing a job he had for 10 years) for 7 months. It was tough for our family and I was pregnant at the time. we had to apply for food stamps and assistance because even though we had been making a good sallary, I was a stay at home mom and after we exhausted all of our saving we were in jepordy of loosing our home.

But I will add that make sure you are supporting him and doing all you can do to help him find that job. I even went so far to get my husband a web site on Godaddy.com and I set up an awesome resume website for him that really helped him land a job. I also helped him search online websites for job for a couple hours every night as I am more computer savy than he is so I would surf the job sites every night looking for something he may not have found on his own earlier that day.

Eventually it all paid off and we worked together to find him the best job. We prayed over it every night together and asked God to lead us in the right direction and open all the right doors for us and close the wrong ones so we would not be tempted to go in the wrong direction.

The key for his success is your support. He will feel much more confident and able to land the right job if you are supporting his every effort. and as frustrated as you may get (and believe me I have been there to) dont let him know because that will just add to his stress and ability to motivate him self. Jump in this with him and work together after all its your future to not just his.

Good luck, A. J

It's a very stressful situation on a relationship, but having said that five months is not that long-particularly around the holidays. Companies may have job listings but don't really plan to interview/hire until the new year.

If he is getting up every day, getting dressed, and searching then he is doing all he can right now. Imagine if it was the other way around and you were looking? He would carry the burden.

Good luck to both of you.

Hi C.: Fist of all sorry your going through such a tuff time at Christmas. From the day I met my husband he has always had a job. Minus 9 months. He worked for a company for 13 yrs. Went into work on a Monday and was told the company was going bankrupt and his last day would be Wednesday. Talk about a shock! He did get unemployment. But, the unemployment only lasts 6 months, not a year. The unemployment office calls it a year, but its only 6 months, so be careful. We were not prepared for that second blow either. It took 9 months for him to finally get a job. He went to so many interviews, and because he had been with his previous company for so long, he was over qualified. He was told , "we cant pay you what your worth", he told them he didnt care, just hire me. Well like I said it took 9 hard months to get hired. We've been together 27 yrs and hes only been unemployed 9 months. But that was enough. He did do small side jobs to keep our heads afloat. Im not sure what your hubby does for a living, but maybe he can do side jobs to help out. Every penny helps during these times. Even if he has to go and change a neighbors oil in their cars. SOMETHING! ANYTHING! Talk to him, tell him how your feeling. Put some ideas in his head. (oil changes) Whatever it takes. Lawn mowing. Theres always some way to make some money. It may not be alot, put its something. You are not being ridiculous, you are just trying to keep the house going. It may be an ego thing, but the point is, would he lose more pride working side jobs or living out on the street? The choice is his. Good Luck and I hope everything works out for you and your family. God Bless.

I think it must be a male ego thing - my dad is a degreed professional engineer and many years ago when he lost his job, it took him a year and a half to find another, and he ended up having to move from Austin to Dallas in order to do it. I don't know what type of work your husband does, but perhaps you should look at the option of moving to another city, too. It may be that he's overqualified or asking too much money or maybe the jobs just aren't open right now. But I do think it must be male provider ego kicking in that he's too proud to work at McDonald's when he "should" be providing for his family.

I read through the comments, and think you should talk with your husband not just to express your feelings but find out how he is feeling about the whole experience. My husband lost his job and didn't find one for a year. He did some contract work and some odds and ends kind of things to help us make ends meet (I was on bedrest and very ill postpartum). He looked at even getting jobs at places like mentioned below (hourly jobs). A lot of them wouldn't take him seriously because they new that he was looking for a quick fix and would be gone the minute he found a "real" job. Home Depot guy told him he wasn't comfortable hiring him for a quick fix. Anyway, point being that it isn't most likely an ego thing, other than the fact that he is looking for a permanent job and it is a full time job finding a job. Plus the market nation wide is about a 6 month - a year to find a job. Be patient, sit down with him, talk with him. Because i am sure he is just as frustrated if not more about this. I know for my husband he felt like something was wrong with him. As long as he is truly searching and doing the best he can be patient.

Is he receiving unemployment checks? If so I can see him being hesitant to take any old job for now because he would lose that. However if he isn't, then there is no excuse for him not to go out and get a part time job temporarily. Depending on his particular career, it can be common to not find anything in that time frame. He should meet with a headhunter or a temporary agency that specializes in professionals. Not all temp agencies are for secretaries and unskilled workers. You are right he needs to do something more, even if it is just get a holiday job at WalMart! I have three degrees and still did that one year!

Hi C.,

Im sorry you are having to experience this. I know that as difficult as a job search is for the unemployed person, it can be even worse for the spouse because there is so little s/he can do (i.e. you can go on interviews for him, etc.) As was mentioned earlier, it is important to be supportive of your husband and his efforts. Im sure he is already feeling guilty for not being the 'primary provider' anymore; if he feels you are irritated with him, etc., it can come through in how he presents himself and that can really effect his search (Im sorry, I dont mean to put any additional pressure on you!)

As a career consultant, I work with ALOT of unemployed people in types of careers. What tends to really help is accountability - having a plan in place, goals, target companies, etc. and someone to help them be accountable to this plan. The difference I have seen between people who have a plan and someone to be accountable to and those who dont is dramatic - not only in results but in attitude. It will probably make you feel better knowing more about what he is doing and achieving.

Five months really isnt a long time for a job search for highly professional and experienced people (remember, the higher the level, the fewer the positions to begin with) What type of position is your husband targeting? What industry? These can also have an impact on how long it takes. Dont despair - Dallas is actually a much better market that it was a couple of years ago (earlier this year we were rated the 6th best market in the US). Is your husband part of any networking groups? Suggest professional associations (made for networking!) and Career Connections (careerconnection.org).

I hope this is helpful (and I didnt ramble too much!!) If you have any questions, please feel free to email me through the mamaboard.

Good luck and take care,
A.

I know that a man really should try to help out some way!! If he can't find a job in his field of expertise He really should get a job doing SOMETHING to bring in some kind of $$ We were really tight on money because i had gotten laid off of my job when I was Too pregnant to be getting a different job so my husband took on a SECOND job at the first job that would hire him (It took him two days to get that job) He may only get paid $9-$12 an hr. but its better than nothing. I know it would be worse for my husbands ego to know that he wasn't providing for his family more than it would to go to a "Joe-blow" job and get paid less than normal! Good luck I hope everything turns out ok!!

My husband was unemployed for 14 months. I have been where your at. In our circumstance, We had a 2 year old and I was expecting. We really prayed about our situation and God wanted us to move from Vancouver, Wa. to San Marcos, Tx. It took me a long way from my parents but closer to his. Neather one of us really wanted to move but that is where the work was. If it is not intened for you to move, keep on holding on and being patient. I believe that sometimes you cant see the good in things until we are out of the bad situations. I can tell you that your child and huband are growing very close and thats important too.
Someones who's been in your shoes,
S. J

If you are financially ok, then let him be a house husband for awhile. Let him do the cooking, cleaning and such then maybe you will feel better and then he will feel like doing anything, but housework. Sounds like you need a heart to heart. Nothing hurts more than you not being supportive, but you need to talk about it. If you act like it is not bothering you, then it will get worse. Communicate and make a plan together that both of you agree on. Good luck. V. N.

My husband (also college educated) was unemployed for over 6 months, so it is not unusual. The problem is that if your husband takes a part-time job, his unemployment payments will stop. However, once those do stop, he should be willing to do something to bring in some cash. And, yes it is an ego thing - some of these guys think they're too good for certain types of jobs. You have to find a way to gently suggest to your husband that he might need to consider something slightly different career-wise, at least temporarily. Also, are you using your own network to help him? And, is he networking appropriately (contacting past classmates, co-workers, etc.) to find something)? Networking is the best way to find a new job.

Good Luck!

I don't know what kind of employment he is looking for but my husbands work has been hiring about 15 or so people a week and would be willing to bet money that if he were to apply there he would be hired. It's still a fairly new company (been around for a little over 3 years) and is now expanding so he can move up pretty quick too if he gets his foot in now. It's good pay and has benefits too. A few of the positions have some crazy hours but you have weekends off (if you volunteer for a sat that they need help you get $100 bonus on top of your overtime pay though)But some of the posistions have set hours that are good. Too. The company is called Frac Tech. They have an Aledo address but they are near the Hudson Oaks area of the freeway. If thats not too far and you want more info let me know and I can get it from my hubby for ya. I know when my hubby went through this what kept him from taking a job that didn't pay much just to have a job made it impossible for him to be out looking for one which could be a career to show stability on his credit as well as that could provide for us. I was the main provider but exp with his job now I am able to stay home. Best of luck! I know how frustrating it can be! Hang in there! :)

Just to throw in an additional two cents.

I have felt this way several times when my husband has been out of work in Los Angeles, Chicago, and NW Indiana. He has a Master's degree, Army experience, and can sell anything to anyone. I always thought he wasn't trying hard enough - until it happened to me this Fall when I moved here.

I took a job that I knew was a poor fit. I had been applying for jobs since last Spring and have continued until very recently. The job was so stressful that I even applied to Target, office admin jobs, PRN day jobs, etc. From the time I started applying, until about three weeks ago when I finally landed something new, I got nowhere.

So, this is just to say - it is incredibly frustrating, but go easy on your husband. It's probably not just his ego. Even with years of admin experience, a PhD, child care experience, and a willingness to do anything, I found myself just waiting (for what seemed like forever).

It doesn't hurt to talk openly with your husband about it. He's probably feeling 10 times worse that you're describing - not being able to provide for his wonderful wife and baby girl.

Again, just my two cents with a bit of recent experience thrown in.

I went through this for a period of years with my husband. Finally, when he did find a job, I quit mine. Now that I am a stay at home mom, he is working much harder, and taking his job far more seriously. He's less likely to quit for stupid reasons, and when he has lost his job, he has been VERY quick to find another one. I don't know what kind of lifestyle you are used to living, but ours was very modest on my income, and his income was higher than what we were used to receiving, so it made sense for me to come home. You can't quit your job right now, and I wouldn't advise making him feel badly about his situation, because all it will do is cause problems for both of you, but if you are able to leave your job after he gets established in a new one, it will really do you and the entire household a world of good.

Hey C.,

I know your pain. My husband was without a job for 7 months. I was pregnant at the time and then had the baby at 25 weeks because of pre-eclampsia. I went back to work after one week because I couldn't afford to stay away all the time she was in the hospital and when she came home. It was the worst time of my life. I know my husband felt super bad about it, but he was like your husband, very educated and wouldn't even think about working at a half-time place. I think it is partially ego and waiting for something better, thinking they are better then part-time stuff. Just support him and if you pray, pray a lot. I do have to say that looking for a job is a full time job, but he should still help out at home and recognize the work you are doing.
Hope this helps...e-mail me if you need someone to vent to. :)