My best friend is having a really rough time this holiday. She and her husband have been having problems for a while and may be headed towards divorce. It just breaks my heart for her. She lives on the opposite coast, so I feel somewhat helpless to support her like I want to, especially during the holidays. We email, call, and text, but it is not the same as being able to take her to lunch and just talk.
Any suggestions for how I can best support her during this tough time? I really just want to get on a plane and bring her here so I can take care of her!
Keep calling and texting. Maybe pick up a 'I'm thinking of you' card and pop it in the mail.
A text I might send in this situation: "...thinking about you. Wish I could be there with you now. Sending you all my strength. Love you."
:)
Holiday times are always the toughest when there is sorrow or stress in a relationship. I don't think there's much you can do that you aren't doing - probably shorter and more frequent communications are better than one long long talk or letter. I hope she is talking to a counselor (with or without her husband participating, hopefully with), who is skilled at directing her exploration of her feelings. There is not much you can do there, and there's nothing you can really do to distract her from her problems either. The problems are there every second. The best thing for you to be is a booster - maybe send her a little saying or quote about strength and being true to herself, and compliment her on a fine quality that you admire. Sometimes people whose relationship is suffering start to question their own abilities. You can do an internet search for inspiring and reassuring sayings, and then send, saying, "This made me think of you."
What I think you should NOT do is write anything that her husband might view as her talking too much to you vs. to him, nor anything that says "everything happens for a reason" which can make people feel that they're supposed to see something good in the current situation. It's more important that people feel empowered and that they are deserving and worthy. Feeling that they are helpless because events happen around them or are being dictated by higher power (which is really making them miserable) can actually make people feel much more depressed.
You might look in the women's section of a good bookstore - I found a little book of quotes for a friend who just got divorced - sort of a quote-a-day thing.
If you can get to see her, that would be great. I don't know if she could spend the time with you without her husband feeling her energy was going into a weekend where she was likely talking about him. If you could possibly afford a weekend where you both travel halfway and have a ladies' weekend in a hotel, that might be very restorative for her. I know you want to just take care of her, but one lunch isn't going to do it!
I know feeling helpless is so hard - but imagine how she feels! Let her know that she'll feel better, no matter what happens to her marriage, if she does the self-analysis and the necessary steps to live well or separate well, with everyone intact.
A friend of mine is going through the same thing right now. Meals have been really tough for her - getting the kids fed and finding something to eat herself. Maybe you could have dinner delivered to her house once a week (or less often if you can't afford it).
Keep contacting her. Send texts but don't expect a reply. Just knowing you're there without her having to answer might help. A lot of people are going to support her in the first few weeks but it will fade over time - continue offering support even months from now.
Is there something she loves, like getting her nails done or her hair done, or massages, etc? Chances are money is going to be tight for awhile and she'll have to cut out these "luxuries." Send a gift card to her favorite salon/spa so she can do something that makes her feel good about herself.
