Ideas to Help My Daughter.

My daughter has always responded really well to role play. She's 10 and I still use it as an effective parenting tool. This sounds like a situation that role playing might work well for. Try it and let us know how it goes.

I completely agree with the other moms.....you can not reward this behavior! Tell her it will not be tolerated and to move on!! Think of how the poor boy feels !!

I once heard a very interesting take on this, on a tv documentary. The subject of the documentary was a severely deformed individual, who was very intelligent but whose extremely rare appearance made her the subject of taunts, screams, cries, shock and sometimes cruelty. She had friends, and a supportive family, and a great attitude.

She explained to the tv interviewer that the typical brain expects a typical face to have two eyes near the center of the face, a nose below the eyes, and a mouth below that, with ears on the side, etc. Of course there are lots of variants: small or large eyes, big bumpy noses, little noses, wide lips, thin lips, huge protruding ears, etc. But basically we perceive a face in a particular way.

When the facial features are so different from what we expect, it is our own brain that does not process it as a face so much as a vision that may be disturbing. This was this individual's perception from her own experience, not necessarily a scientific fact. So she said that she was not different or ugly, but the person who passed by her and recoiled with disgust or fear or trepidation whose own brain was not making sense of the facial features of the deformed person. And if the person wanted to be her friend, it was up to them to create an acceptance within their own brain.

Her advice was to talk about that with oneself. To say, basically, "that person's eyes are nowhere near where I would think that an eye should be, and that does not look like what I expect a mouth or a head to look like". And then she said to tell yourself "that is her eye, and that is her mouth and it's very different from what I expected, but she can see and eat and it's ok. She's not in pain. It's ok for us all to have a different mouth or ear or leg or head or torso." She said by verbalizing it, it helps our own brains to stop perceiving the deformity as something to fear, and to help our brain perceive the difference as simply a difference. It was really an interesting viewpoint, I think. Again, I don't know if it's 100% valid, but it was this person's personal experience and something she had learned from having to live with a serious physical difference.

So perhaps you could talk to your daughter about this boy's features. Ask her, can he see well enough to enter the classroom and recognize friends? If so, then his eye works and it's different from what many eyes look like, but it does it's job. Can he hear at all with his one ear? Then, that's ok. If he can't hear or speak, does he use any signs? Does he have two legs, two arms and some fingers? Can he print or write or color? Talk about ways in which he is like everyone else. Showing her some differences that aren't so stark, like a cute dog on the internet that has no front legs but hops very well, and talking about how certain body parts work but sometimes look very different or how some beings compensate for physical differences, might help her realize that this boy is pretty cool, actually, for being able to hear with just one ear, or to see with just one eye, and he's really just a kid with some features that aren't what our eyes and brain expected to see. He sounds talented! And courageous and strong. Also, make sure your daughter knows that this boy was not injured, or that his features didn't suddenly just change into his particular arrangement. She may be afraid that her own eye or ear could disappear. Of course, that is a childish fear and a medical impossibility, but someone may have told her that (it's amazing what some children will talk about and "inform" other kids about). If you talk with her, help her understand that he was born with differences, and that his family and doctors and teachers work really hard to help him be the best student that he can be and that he can be a nice friend to have.

Your daughter's fear will lessen with continued exposure to the student. To help accelerate the process, I would talk to the special education teacher again and ask if she would be willing to ask his family for photos of him to share (birthday parties, vacations, fun times). You can offer your email address, or offer to connect on Facebook if it is easier for them. Then look at the photos with your daughter and talk about the boy and his normal life experiences. She will get used to his appearance with time.

ETA: I don't think a bracelet for 'bravery' is the appropriate response, at all. While I understand you were encouraging her to face her fears, telling her to be brave makes it seem as if there is something to be afraid of. He is a young boy, more scared than she is with a much rougher path ahead of him. Your words and actions should be focused solely on modeling empathy and understanding, not validating her fear.

Her fears are valid?

Poor sweetie. This is hard. I think it's great that everyone is working to help.

Is there any chance that you and your daughter could make this boy a gift? Something HE could wear that she could see, so that when she sees that bracelet or whatever on him, she knows that he cares about her and doesn't want her to be afraid?

I know it sounds like a unique perspective, but I'm sure HE doesn't want to feel like he's caused her to cry.

ETA: Lord have mercy, some of the comments are downright mean. Take away the necklace? Why? She shouldn't be punished for her fear.

Fear is based in ignorance, not obstinance. You have to remedy the root of the problem by showing her the facts and truth of the situation in a way that isn't going to exacerbate her fear. The "get over it" and "your feelings aren't valid" attitude doesn't accomplish that in any way.

I am so sorry to see some posts fussing at your child for what is a kid fear that she must learn to control -- "learn" is the key word here. She will learn with the help you're getting for her. Some folks seem to think she's intentionally being mean and you're intentionally rewarding her for it somehow....

I get the necklace idea. For those who see it as somehow "rewarding" the girl for her behavior: The necklace is not a reward or gift - it's a comfort item, a talisman for her to focus her attention on. This can give a child time and mental space just long enough to calm down. It's similar to a child who has a security blanket and rubs the edge to self-soothe -- only this is an item acceptable to have at school, and its comforting/focusing function isn't visible to other kids. I too have had a counselor recommend something similar, so mom, you don't have to worry that it's a reward. By working with the counselor and special ed and classroom teachers, your daughter will learn to deal with this, and the necklace gives her something to break her momentary fears and focus elsewhere.

Sad to see that some parents just see it as a "reward."

I totally agree with Christy Lee about having your child possibly make something for this boy. First do check with the special ed teacher (and she may want to check with his parents -- he may be unable to wear jewelry for some reason, so check first). If he can't have jewelry, have her make him a card or drawing. You are on the right track too with looking at the Facebook page. I would add not to overtalk this with your daughter every day -- just be sure she's prepared when he's going to be in the classroom.

I also get you when you say her fears are valid. You do not mean she's right to BE afraid -- there is nothing to fear --but you are validating the fact she has an emotional reaction she can't yet control. I bet you're telling her, "I do understand that Billy's eyes are different, and things that are different and really new to us can seem scary at first, right?" That opens up the discussion of how it won't be scary any more once she knows Billy and sees him more.

Bravo to you for including the teachers and counselor here.

SB, I am really, really sorry about this. This must be very hard for you and your girl.

Sometimes, I have discovered, the power of our fears (and not the fear itself) is exacerbated by other aspects of life. Your girl has just started kindergarten and is learning all new things, new kids, a new teacher, a whole new way of being. There is a lot of change going on and this one thing~ a child with a profoundly different appearance~ may be just one unfamiliar thing too many.

While, from an adult perspective, it seems there's 'nothing to be afraid of', I think we forget that kids get afraid of a lot of things which can be harmless. I want to explain: for about three weeks this summer, my son was suddenly hysterically afraid of bees. We are talking about a kid who used to catch bees in bug boxes, used to play right next to them, grew up with his mom gardening in the midst of them-- plenty of exposure. In fact, he was stung when he was little trying to hold a bee.

But during a time when he was stressed and upset about the possibility of having to float during his swim lessons-- he freaked out about bees. To the point that he crashed his bike trying to get away from one. Anyone would say that it was silly for a seven year old to be freaked out, crying, hiding behind mom, even running out into the street to get away from the bees.

After swimming lessons stopped, the bee fear stopped. Almost automatically.

I write this because sometimes, we can take the perspective of 'this is behavioral, don't reward it' without going deeper into the *child's reality*. There are a lot of new things at her new school and that can feel, on a subconscious level, a little scary. Keeping in mind that this child's appearance is very atypical, that may have just been more than what she could handle or contain.

We can remember, too, that many children find clowns upsetting and frightening, mainly because their features are exaggerated and they look markedly different from us. I know a lot of children who really get visibly upset around clowns because of their bizarre appearance. Please note that I am not comparing this little boy to a clown, but just saying that some children are very affronted when someone of an unfamiliar appearance comes along.

Now, back to the little boy-- it sounds like you are doing what needs to be done. You addressed the issue, you are working with a counselor, you are working on exposure. I'd also venture to say that in kindergarten and those early primary grades, children are identifying traits of assimilation by gender (girls do this, boys do that, 'girl colors' 'boy colors'... and believe me, I am not saying this is good or right-- this is just what they DO.) When kids are at a point in their development when fitting in is important, this little boy is someone who is brand new and a challenge, in a way-- how does he 'fit in'? He doesn't look like the other kids. So, a pen pal suggestion, focusing on similarities of interest, etc. might be helpful.

I know you want the best for both your daughter and this boy. My heart goes out to you--it's so hard to see our kids struggle in a way which is frowned upon socially. We expect our kids to understand and accept a LOT of diversity these days. At five years old, this may be a whole new experience for your girl.

And if we adults are truly honest, we should admit that there are other sorts of people-- even very typical looking ones-- that we might shy away from or avoid because of something off-putting about them. No one is perfect.

I think that you need tougher love. Giving her a bracelet for reacting the way she did is a reward. I'd sit her down and explain to her that people are different. Our differences make us special. And that the next time she sees him she is to just suck it up and treat him like any other kid. Yes, he's different and maybe scares her - but you need to tell her that the way she is reacting to him is not going to be tolerated. Sorry, but she doesn't get her way on this one. She needs to learn to understand him and his condition and treat him like any other kid. How about asking her how that boy must have felt? Or put her in his shoes. Put yourself in his mother's shoes.

I don't understand how she can be truly afraid if she knows that he's just a little boy and she's cognizant enough to be embarrassed. I don't think that she's truly afraid- I think she is confused and unfortunately grossed out. She needs to be taught empathy, not bravery. I know you truly want to help, but she shouldn't receive gifts for bravery. That only solidifies her fears- if he's just a little boy, she doesn't need to be brave.

ADDED: Is there a way that she can observe him interacting with other kids while she still feels safe and secure. I think seeing him being himself and other kids not being afraid may help. I also think the school made a misstep by removing HIM during story time. Of course, I don't know the whole situation, but it seems like having him leave story time because your daughter is afraid punishes him. Perhaps her staying at a distance during story time will help, but if she is still terrified to the point of hysteria, she needs to be removed until story time is over.

All my strength to you, as you support your daughter through a new opportunity for her growth. I understand being overwhelmed by her new school situation and trying to achieve a comfort zone. And of course you want her to treat every classmate with respect and a friendly disposition. But it is real to recognize her fear is an emotion, not a judgement.

Now that you have spoken the school and your daughter, I am going to suggest that you don't over-prepare her, as if this other child is uniquely needy of her kindness. Rather, let the teacher support her, and you can continue to talk about anything she brings up about school. Continue to teach her that all her classmates deserve respectful behavior. I would love to hear back from you later on, as I am hoping that as much of school becomes routine, that this particular challenge for her will almost be forgotten, and the boy becomes "just another student", a friend or simply a classmate to work at school with.

The wonderful thing about our society now (not when I was raised and children with such physical differences were sent to separate schools) is that children are learning from an early age that our differences need not separate us. Your daughter will learn this when she is comfortable. All my best.

It sounds like you're on the right track, as far as working with the school. At home, I'd seek out books about people who look different. No doubt, there are books out there for kids about people with disabilities, burns, scars, etc.

Her fears really aren't valid. She's judging by appearance, not by the child's actions. If the boy had done something scary, like chase after her making scary noises, then it would be understandable. I'm a redhead and was judged by kids based on my hair color as a kid and it hurt. Their opinions were based on nothing but my appearance.

ETA: What about this book?
http://smile.amazon.com/Were-Different-Sesame-Street-Pict...

I know this is difficult.

You have a sweet girl who is completely freaked out by a child that looks very different.

I am sure you have put yourself in his parents place with all of this. It must be heartbreaking.

Do you remember the movie "Goonies" there was a character in that movie that only had one eye. The children are terrified about the idea of him and when they see him., they really lose it. But in the end, they realize he is a nice sweet person.

Looks are only a tiny part of who we are.

We will meet some of the most beautiful, perfect looking people, but they are in no way, nice and pretty inside.
Has your daughter met anyone like this yet?
How about an animal that was really, really cute, but then was not very nice and actually quite dangerous.

I have been looking online for books that could help your daughter.

Google "Books about children that look different, physical deformities"

There is one book called "Wonder" it says it is for children 8 - 11, but maybe check it out and see if there are parts that may help.

Do not let people beat you up. You are trying to work with your daughter. Empathy is something that takes maturity. Your daughter is still a young child, she will get it in the future it will just take a bit of experience and exposure for her to understand.

S.B. your daughter's fears are not valid! It doesn't sound like he is or could ever be a threat to her in any way, shape or form. On the other hand, your daughter is currently a threat to him! What poor judgement that the teacher would make this boy leave the classroom because of your daughter's irrational fear.

If she were my child, I would be a little firm with her and tell her there is absolutely nothing to fear and to not act like this. I would talk a lot about his feelings and what he must think by her behavior. I also would take back the "bravery" necklace because she is not being brave. I would give it back to her when she can act caring towards this child. I would also acknowledge that he does look different but it is not polite to stare etc. and that he can not control his looks any more than she can control hers.

It sounds like school is dealing with it.
I thought initially this was going to be about some bully picking on her.
But being afraid of someone who looks way different is something she needs to get over but it will probably take some time.
He's a person - probably a perfectly nice person - and he can't help the way he looks.
Getting to know him would be a good idea but I'm sure he doesn't need the stress of someone crying over something he has no control over.
It's not exactly bravery so much as it is empathy she could use a bit of.
Give it a few weeks and I'm sure she'll be fine.

Her fears are not valid, and telling her so just allows her to continue to bully this poor boy. He had to leave after her melt down? She was not the one removed from the classroom for her poor behavior? He was punished because of her judgements and you see nothing wrong with that? I get you can not change this over night, but like any "bad" behavior it needs to be addressed with severity so it changes quickly, it is not okay for this boy to suffer because of you not teaching your child to never judge based off appearance. I hope you find a way to correct her behavior quickly, and she can work on the deeper issues at her own pace as long as the boy is no longer being hurt by her. Treat this how you would if she was bullying any other student, even if bullying is not her intent in the behaviors.