Ideas on Emotional Connection

For me it's all about time and conversation. I perfect romantic night for me is a nice meal, a nice bottle of wine, and some nice conversation. Since we have a 23 month old and an 11 week old, I haven't had a night like that in almost 3 years --I can't wait to be done with breastfeeding and pregnancy!

I too need more romance. I keep thinking it will change once the kids are older, but it really isn't good for the relationship to keep putting it off. A close emotional connection is just so important.

I second the 5 love languages book! I felt like my husband was more like a roommate the first 6 months we were married. Didn't he care about me? I grew up in a home where we were hugged and told we were loved every day, and he didn't do that. I didn't realize that other things he was doing were his way of showing me he loves me. Now that I know that, I can tell that he actually is offering his version of touchy/feely closeness during the day. It's just different. Good luck!

Why not write it down just like you did for us? I know it does make you feel weird when you have to tell them what we like or want when we feel they should know but I finally figured it out that my husband isn't a mind reader LOL. Nothing that you like would be silly if it works for you to put the romance back in your marriage. I know what you mean about not being able to just jump in to it. Just write a long list for him and leave it where he can find it and tell him you would rather tell him that way. Good Luck.
Kay

I used to feel it was dumb and not romantic to tell my DH stuff, but you know what? Would I rather feel dumb and unromantic and get what I want/need or would I rather suffer in silence. I chose the first. I started talking to my DH about what I needed and he started doing it! It is fabulous! I am still not married to a romantic guy, but he tries.

This is going to sound horrible, but it is kind of like training a dog or child. He knows that something is amiss, but he doesn't know what to do. He is ASKING for help. A rare thing for guys to do. Once you start helping him a little bit, he will catch on. Sometimes it takes more than a little bit of help.

"Honey, I am having a bad day." "Honey, I am having a REALLLLLLLY bad day." "Honey, I am having a really bad day and I need some pampering." "Honey, I am having a really bad day and I need some pampering and I feel like you are ignoring me." ***DING, DING, DING*** The light finally goes off in his head. "Oh, I can do something to fix this!" The next time you may not have to be so blunt and the time after it gets even better. Maybe you could try that with cleaning the table. "Cleaning up the table after cooking a long meal wears me out before bed." "It would be really nice if I could get some help cleaning the table, so I wouldn't be so tired before bed." etc. I mean, don't be rude about it. And don't treat him like an idiot, but you can put a little "fishing line" out and see how much he needs to get the hint.

Honestly, communication is the number one thing for me. Cuddling is number 2. :) OH, and be sure to thank him. And yes, you will probably want to thank him in the way that he understands best. ;)

I know that I am dense. I tell my husband that, and he knows it. So unless he tells me something, I don't get it.

Most husbands are the same. They are dense, but they think that everyone knows it already. Unless you tell him, he won't know. And that's not a bad thing at all! It gives you an opportunity to be with someone who is not constantly analyzing your motives for every little thing. They just take you as you are.

Something that most guys don't understand is that women are constantly thinking. My husband is really amazed that he can ask me any time, anywhere what I'm thinking, and I always have an answer. He often says that he's not thinking of anything.

Some ideas: let him know that your libido and your stress level are intimately connected. Let him know that when you are stressed and tired, you are not in the mood and you get angry/frustrated when he wants to be romantic in the bedroom. And let him know what he can do to help lower your stress level, or let him know what makes you stressed out and tired. Let him know that you would like help with those things. When he knows how he can help you, the woman he clearly loves, that will make him feel good.

He sounds like he wants to love you the way you want to be loved. That is a gift. It may be an awkward conversation, but cherish his love.

There appears to be discussion about the 5 love languages book (I'm another advocate of that one), but from my skimming I don't see anyone just throwing out the five categories for you to consider (in case you don't want to rush out and get the book.) Just knowing the 5 categories of love language may help you come up with some good ideas (consider which among them is/are your favorite): words of affirmation (compliments and praise), quality time (activities together), receiving gifts (including free things like love notes and the gift of self), acts of service (helping around the house- you already mentioned one of these), physical touch (closeness). Hopefully these may help you get in tune with what really means the most to you. I know what you mean about having a hard time putting your wants/desires into words, but ultimately I think it's great that you're husband is willing to request such a list so he knows just what he can do that will mean the most to you.

Have you read the book yourself? I'd suggest you do; it may offer some good ideas, as well.

We wrote lists after we read "The Five Love Languages" (awesome book, by the way), and it did feel a little strange and unromantic at first to have to tell him what I like and want, but it WORKED! Besides, a list is just a starting point, and it IS romantic that he wants to please you, right?

My "love language" is mostly physical touch, so my ideas might not help you much if that's not your "love language." Still, here are a few of them, pulled from my list that I made for my husband:
>>I would love you to massage, caress, and/or kiss my arms, neck, shoulders, back, legs… I need to feel like ALL of me is sexy, not just the “sexual” parts.
>>When I cry, please hold me. Even if it seems like I’m crying for no reason, or for a stupid reason, I need to know that you are my rock, my shield, when it feels like the rest of the world is against me.
>>I absolutely adore it when you gently tuck a stray strand of hair behind my ear or run your fingers through my hair.
>>I love it when you come up behind me while I'm cooking and put your arms around me.
>>Little flirtations (love notes/texts, light touches, kisses and hugs, flirty words, etc.) throughout the day remind me that I'm not just a mom and housewife, I'm also your lover--it makes me feel so sexy...and sensual! ;-)
>>You already know that I love to go out with you. I’d really appreciate it if sometimes I didn’t have to do most/all of the “prep-work” for a date (choosing the restaurant, calling the restaurant, arranging babysitting, pulling money from the bank, etc.).

(You could also write something like, "I would love it if you would do the dishes so I could have a little time to relax. It might sound silly or unromantic, but I'd find it so sexy if you are willing to help me that way.")

When I gave my husband my list, he started using a few ideas right away, so I was worried it would feel "forced," but he was so sincere about it that it still felt romantic and loving! We still update our lists occasionally, and now my husband even comes up with his own, original ideas based on what he knows I like. :-D

When making your list, it helps to think of certain situations where you DID or DID NOT feel loved/romantic--like your two examples in your post. Use those situations to come up with things he can do to help you feel loved, romantic, sexy, less stressed, or whatever you need to feel closer to him. What is something he can do on the weekends? In public? Before he leaves for work? At work? With the kids (if you have kids)? After dinner? When you're at a party together? etc., etc.

Does he rarely dress up anymore, but he looks SO sexy in a suit and tie? Let him know the second part... but leave out the "you never (fill in the blank) anymore" part. Be positive, be encouraging, but be HONEST. If it really doesn't turn you on when he smacks your backside, DON'T put it on your list just to make him feel good (I have friends who made the mistake of giving false praise... they now regret it!). The "I love it when you..." approach works pretty well in my experience. ;-)

One thing I also want to suggest, though, is to sometimes be willing to make love even when you don't feel like it--especially if he's had a hard day. As I understand it, husbands tend to want to have sex in order to feel close to their wives, while wives want to feel close to their husbands in order to have sex. (Not always the case, of course, but generally.)

And don't listen to Rachel N.--what an untrue, unhelpful thing to say, Rachel! Men and women are different, and just because he doesn't think/act the way you do doesn't mean he's "selfish and totally disconnected" at all. In fact, since he read the book on his own, and wants to implement what he's learning, he's obviously just the opposite!

B., it sounds like you have an honest, loving man there who really wants to please you--hang on to him and give him plenty of respect and appreciation for his efforts, even when he sometimes misses the mark! ;-)

Sorry so long, but HTH!
--A.

P.S. When you want to "give back" to your husband, another book I'd like to recommend is "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs (I'm not sure of the spelling), and especially note the parts about, "unconditional respect." It's an excellent book, IF you read it all the way through (the first few chapters were a bit of a tough read for me, but it made more sense once I got through the rest).

Well, you've made your own bed, or so to speak, by not telling him what you want and how you feel from the very beginning. If you feel awkward telling him, how do you think he would feel knowing he doesn't rock your boat anymore? You've got to be verbal, sister. Tell him what you want. Tell him how you feel and what you need. You are right, he cannot read your mind. If you want him to do dishes after dinner, say, "honey, i have to run to the restroom, go ahead and clean up the dinner dishes for me, would you? Thanks." Don't wait for an answer because even though he doesn't say so, he wants to please and make you happy....and what most guys don't realize is that a woman finds a man that helps around the house VERY sexy...

Sorry, but your husband sounds selfish and totally disconnected. In your shoes, I would see a marriage counselor.

I'm adding to the response about the different "languages" between men and women. There is a really great book called the 5 Love Languages by Chapman. In the back of the book there is a quiz for both husbands and wives. It will really help you identify your love language as well as his. My husband and I took the quiz and it was a great way to strengthen our realtionship. Some people respond more to acts of kindness while other are more responsive to gifts. You'll get the picture if you have a chance to read it. I bet it will help you both communicate with eachother! Good luck.

How do your kids know what they're supposed to do in any given situation? You tell them. You communicate with them. You tell them verbally and with body language what is OK and not OK by you. Why is your DH any different? In all seriousness, how is he supposed to know what you need/want/desire UNLESS you tell him?

I got into BIG trouble with the same exact thing when talking to my therapist about my marriage. After being married over 10 years I just thought there were some things he should 'just know' about me and what I wanted. My therapist let me have it: unless you have and LED screen on your forehead that teleprompts all your thoughts your DH is going to be clueless about what you want, you'll be mad, then he'll be mad an unappreciated and it winds downhill.

Initially, it felt awful telling him exactly what I wanted for my birthday, what chores needed to be done around the house, how to do things and when to do them. However, he was ecstatic when I started to do it. Never seen him happier. He wants to please me, wants to see me happy what easier way then just to tell him! then things started to get done and *I* was happy! My guess is your DH doesn't like being in the dark about your wants/feelings so be open with him.

We are now about to celebrate 20 years together.

So my advice? Get over it, talk to your husband. Tell him *everything* :).

30 years later, & my husband still doesn't "get it". There is NO off/on switch for women.

That's not all bad, though. It allows for honest communication between us. & I will say "kudos" to your husband for initiating this event. Not many husbands see/feel a need to find new ways/better ways to satisfy their beloved's needs! This is a step in the right direction, & it's a path you need to walk together.

Very first ? you need to ask yourself: do you still love him & do ;you want this to work better?

2nd ? you need to ask would be: why am I able to post this ? on a public forum....& still feel silly/uncomfortable with discussing this issue with him?

3rd ? would be: was I ever comfortable with him? Is this the root of our disconnect & how do I make this better....working with him, since he initiated this?

Discover your needs, whether they seem petty & small or life-changing. Focus on how you can work together. AND most importantly!!!.....let his needs/desires also be heard. Wishing you Peace ...well, & honestly, a more satisfying life together!

okay well try to identify your love language, do you like it when your husband sits near you? Does things for you? or writes you notes? what is it that he does for you that shows his love and appreciation. for example I'm physical so i would sit on the couch and want my hubby to come sit w/ me and he would be cleaning the kitchen which made me feel guilty for not cleaning it and not at all romantic. but for him, he's showing his love and enjoying himself by cleaning. so obviously there's a huge need for us to communicate about how we show love and appreciation.

Also it's surprisingly important to be able to tell your husband what you appreciate so he can actually do it. I thought when I'd get married we'd always cuddle in bed, sing loud to the radio, agree on stuff, that he'd go places w/ me spontaneously, and that he'd randomly wrap his arms around me all the time.

I have to tell him that I love it the most when he gives me hugs, holds my hand, sits by me, etc. and he's had to tell me that he feels loved when I tidy up the house for him and make things nice like I did once for my old roommate. Those are things I wouldn't really think of for him, but he loves it.

Also it is really important to go on dates and spend time talking together not about the kids or problems. That can help you to feel like you did when you were first dating.

About the whole drop everything and be interested in the bdrm thing, women frequently need everything to be settled before they are 'interested' like the house clean, everyone is happy, hubby smells good, that kind of thing. So don't be afraid to tell him that it helps if he does some stuff around the house, and then goes upstairs and showers and shaves and that gets you in the mood. Whatever it is he's not gonna guess it but if you tell him he'll help you out.

Good luck!

I think you should definitely tell him exactly what you just told us. If you can't open up to your husband and tell him exactly what is on your mind then I think you have more serious issues than lack of romance. He's taking a step in trying to fix the issue by reading this book. You owe it to him to be completely honest and tell him absolutely everything that is on your mind. Good luck!!

It's really great that he's taking the initiative to understand and to "get to know" you better. Most men couldn't even fathom the need to communicate in that way. I wouldn't make it any harder for either of you and just say what you feel. Your thoughts and ideas are different from his, so what you may think of as "common sense" isn't necessarily what he perceives as the way thing flow. Be honest and you both can work together on it.

Good luck!

Leave notes for him with little messages like Can you kiss your wife today, or It really pleases me if you could clear the table after dinner, or could you help me with the dishes today, or When your wife looks pretty could you tell her so. Or you could both write down how thankful you are for the other, giving some details like I am thankful that you work hard. Or I love the way you look at me in this certain way , or I love your eyes or smile. Then you can also do the same right back at him. I used to leave notes in his lunchbox, or on the bathroom mirror etc. And remember if he does do these things make sure toThank Him. Good Luck. Best Wishes