I Want My Daugther to Have a Sibling but How Can I Juggle It All???

I'm wondering when is the right time too! I decided to push it back a year later than originally "planned" so the kids would be 3 1/2 year apart. I agree with everyone's post. Everything will work out and there isnt a perfect time. I think of it as something to look forward to.

My boys are 19 months apart and I had the second for the same reason - my first needed a sibling. It was hard at first, I will admit. The older one wanted attention and the baby was so helpless, I felt very pulled in two directions after a long day at work. Maybe you hire help for a little while - whether it's with cleaning, laundry, cooking or babysitting. Don't feel like you need to be super woman and do it all. Once the baby is a bit older it just gets easier and easier. That being said, it's very important that you not be exhausted while you are pregnant though, so wait until you feel you are physically capable of carrying a child.

Have you ever thought of working part time until the kids are off to school. It gives you the best of all worlds and you won't be so overwhelmed.

Only you and your family know what you can and can't handle.

I understand completely about wanting more than one child. We have a 20 month old daughter that took us over 6 years to conceive. We have been trying for a second since she was 9 months old (doctor's orders) and to no avail. I am 35 years old and wonder if a miracle will happen again for us.

We will look at adoption again, but worry it will take over the 2 years it was taking us before.

Although you may "plan" to have another, it may take longer than you anticipated. For your sake, I hope that it doesn't.

With that said, you have to be ready for a pregnancy and infant that will slow you down. Perhaps, give yourself an absolute deadline of how long you are willing to wait to see if you are ready.

Good luck with whatever decision YOU make.

I love having a sibling around. Sure we don't always get along, but who does? I'm not looking forward to the time that my parents have health issues and or pass, so when this happens at least I'll have someone besides my husband and children to go through this with. I have two questions for you. 1st is your job always this demanding, or has it been just this demanding the last few weeks or months? Maybe try to have a kid when it slows down some. Or if their is a time in the year when it gets slow at work that might be the time to try and be on maternity leave? 2nd question is can you do any or your job at home? Maybe work 1/2 of your time in the office and 1/2 at home?

I'm 37 and was feeling exactly the way you are. We have a wonderful/amazing 19 mo old son and while my husband was 100% on board with trying for another, I was very much on the fence. Work, home, child, dogs, marriage...how could I possibly do it all and do any of it well....

We knew we couldn't wait long to start trying because of infertility issues and my age--we finally decided to leave it up to fate. As fate would have it - fate only took a month! We are due February 27th. :)

I have found an excitement and a peace with it-and I agree with people that as long as you have a wonderful supportive husband to help...it will work.

Good luck!

I was married at aged 21 and my first baby (boy) at 21. At aged 22 I got the second (girl) and at aged 32 the last (boy). I was rough at first but the Lord took care of it, thanks to Him.

Now what I am trying to tell you in a nut shell is go ahead and do as planned and leave every thing to the Lord, He will show you the way to do the rest. Keep praying sweetheart. Every woman needs help/advice when come to children.

God Bless

D. L.

Hi C.,
It's like I was reading my own story when I read your post... Even down to our age and how long we've been married! My daughter is 18 months and we want them to be two-three years apart. Not only do I not know how I'd keep up (she's a very busy little girl), I worry about paying for daycare an selling our townhouse to get into a bigger single family home. When I get home at the end of the day I'm already so tired - like you said - I can't imagine doing it all while I'm pregnant. And then having a newborn AND a toddler!

I guess the thing I'd say is, I'm trying not to worry too much about the age difference. I read a great article in Parenting magazine that talked about the pros and cons with having kids 2, 3 or 4 years apart. And the truth is, they're fine regardless and can still grow up playing together and be very close - even if they're 4 years apart. My brother and I have always been very close and we're 4 1/2 years apart.

Anyway, I hope it at least helps to know you're not alone. I have other friends struggling with the same thing. I just remind myself that we waited until we were "ready" to have our first - we'll wait again until I know it's right for the second, even if that means the kids are 3 1/2 years apart. I hope that helps...

C. - I love your post because it is such a reflection of our situation! I love my son, love my husband, love my job and don't want to change a thing. Oh yeah, except for have another (I think?). Anyway, it would be great if I could work part-time and I think that would make things at home a little less hectic, but we need and want the money and I enjoy the work. As well as, it would be a big struggle to get my company to allow me to go part-time. So I crossed that off the list for now. Instead, we are going to wait a little bit and try for #2 soon. Who knows what may be in store? We have had lots of friends unable to get pregnant the second time or even miscarry a couple times before carrying a term pregnancy. So we'll just go for it.

What tipped the scales for us? Age is a factor for sure. and body. I didn't want to drag out the mommy body factor for years and years. But also looking at friends with more than one kid - it was a rough year or so when they had an infant and a toddler, but it honestly looks like unbelievable fun now. And we're having so much fun with our son, we figure that it is worth the franetic (sp?) lifestyle. It's temporary. If all goes well, a year later we'll be back to hoot and holler good times (just 4 of us, instead of 3).

Good luck whatever your decision!

Hi C.,
I had to reply to your post because I was in almost the exact same position as you ~2 years ago. I now have a 3.5 year old daughter and a 8 month old son. I had my son just a couple months before turning 35. In addition to being a mom, I work full-time at a NEW job that is much more responsibility than my old one because I was laid-off from my previous position (I was notified that the local company site was closing while 6 weeks into my maternity leave... very stressful!). My husband works 12 hour shifts, so I only have to run the kids around to daycare/preschool 3 days/week, but when I do I have to take them to separate places morning and night, and then get them both fed, bathed, and ready for and down for bed by myself. Anyway, I could go on about how hectic life has become, but my real point is that I have never for a moment regretted having the baby, and that I love every minute with my kids (even when they're both screaming during bath time). Of course it is stressful, but you know - I do my best and I keep reminding myself that it's only for a couple of years that it will be this way and soon they will be more independent. Like you, I wanted my daughter to have a sibling and I wanted another child. It's just a matter of deciding if you want it badly enough for life to be chaos for a couple of years. Chaos or not, we love our life! :)

Good luck!
K.

When I had my first child I wondered how I would ever be able to have another one. When I got pregnant with my second I thought that I was not ready and when my second child came and then I just learned how to juggle everything. It took me about a year to get things down, but now I have things going pretty smoothly. Now if I get pregnant again, I don't know. Though my tubes are tied so we are not planning on anymore..

Mine are almost 3 1/2 years apart and it's worked out great. Our first was colicky and not a very good sleeper, so although we also wanted two it took us awhile to get up the nerve to try again:)

He was potty trained and more self-sufficient by the time his sister came around, so it was easier on everyone and didn't feel like he resented the inevitable separation from mama that a baby causes, as much as some of his friends who are only two years apart. He loves "his" little baby so much, is so gentle and helpful and really enjoys entertaining her. And even at two months she really responds to him, almost more so than to me or her papa. So I'm not worried that they're "too far apart".

I also had a career first so Finn was born when I was almost 36 and I had Willa at 39. Although some of the risk factors increase after 35, it's all by tiny percentages. I have lots of friends who waited until their later 30's to have kids and the life experiences we've had really help us be great mamas and more than make up for any lower energy our old bodies may feel:) They do say that 40 is the new 20!

So wait until you're ready hon. Don't feel pressured by the "perfect timing" 'cause there isn't one except what feel right to you.

Good luck!
R.

I have 2 kids and I wasn't ready and would have never been ready to handle them at 2-3 years apart from eachother. I am just not the type of mom to handle it.

My kids are 7 years apart which wasn't really planned just happened that way but I absolutely love their age difference it's so easier to take care of them and give them each what they want because they are on two different levels ones a baby in diapers and ones a big school age independant helper. Maybe you should space them out even farther. My girls are like 2 peas in a pod even with the age difference.

My two wonderful kids are 21 months apart. I found out I was pregnant with my second about 1 week after accepting a new job. I was pretty upset and worried not only about being ready for number 2 but starting a new job and then having to tell them I was going on maternity leave.

Almost 4 years later now I am so thrilled I had my second close in age to the first. My two kids are 3 and 5 and constantly play together. They mostly like the same things and they entertain each other. I think when you have one it is actually harder because they are always looking to a parent to play with them. Don't get me wrong, I love playing with my kids but I do also like the fact that I can get things done when they play together.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Hi C.,
You are not alone in feeling this way. We have a 2 year old son and I desperately wanted to have 2 children... I still do. But we are exhausted all the time as he still doesn't sleep through the night and wakes up early (5 or 6 if we're lucky). I have Multiple Sclerosis and had some complications after I had him and have lost some vision in my left eye. Because of this (and because of our age, I'm 35 and my husband is 43) we have decided to just have the one child. We plan on giving him the best life we can. I think you will know what is right for you... you need to think about what is right for you and not what society says is right. People always think having one child makes them spoiled, but as parents it's your job to make sure they are appreciative and respectful... that goes for no matter how many kids you have. Just know that what ever decision you make, it is the best for your family. Do you have cousins for her to play with? That is a bonus for us as my son has 3 cousins that live here that he loves to play with, one is only a year older and they are already close.
I wish you the best in your decision!
L. L.

Honestly, trust your gut on this one. Unless you had significant issues getting pregnant the first time, there is no reason to believe your ovaries are going to shrivel up on your 35th birthday. I (and plenty of other healthy women with fairly normative fertility) have successfully and easily had children after 35. If you were 42, it might be another matter, but you're not. My older son was 4 when we had our youngest. There are advantages and disadvantages to whatever choice you make. If you wait, as we did, you're out of diapers, and then back in them again. But you have a break from "no sleep" for a few years before you dive back into that newborn schedule. If you wait, their daily schedules are a little out of sync sometimes (naps vs no naps.) But you'll also have a few years when your oldest will be at school all day and your youngest gets to be a sort of "only child" for a few hours (whether with you or nanny or daycare or whatever.) We have some close friends whose boys are also four years apart, and they're 12 and 8 now - and great, great friends, so don't worry that they won't know or be connected to each other.

All this to say, don't get caught up in what you think you ought to do, or what you think you should do, or what you thought you wanted when you started all this. Look at where you are now, and where you want to be in a few years, listen to your heart, and you'll know what to do. Good luck.

Boy, I just HAD to reply to your post! Let me just say that it will all work out. There is never a "perfect" time.

Having gone through the situation you are contemplating (we have 2 girls 23 months apart - 8 and 6), I can tell yout hat the first few months my husband and I looked at each other and asked "What were we thinking???" But today, I couldn't be happier with the decision.

Gosh, you sound like me...we had our first when I was 27. I had planned to have 3-4 kids; I too wanted to be done by 35, and that meant 3 years' spacing at the most. When my baby boy turned 2, we started trying for #2. I got pregnant pretty quickly, and I felt great. I remember, though, sitting on my couch, crying, because I was NOT ready for my baby boy to be a big brother! I wasn't ready to part with my wonderful relationship with him, I didn't know how we'd fit a baby into things...bottom line, I wasn't ready. Somehow, my body? God? must have known this, because we miscarried about a week later. I was almost 12 weeks. Although it was physically very traumatic, emotionally my husband and I KNEW that something wasn't right: about the baby, or about the situation...who knows. But we felt a peace about it that I now realize was almost spooky. About six months later, we got pregnant again (I needed time to recover). My boys are farther apart than I wanted them, and I had an awful, awful pregnancy--but I'm SO glad that's the way it happened. We WEREN'T ready for #2 yet and I'm glad we were "forced" to wait. If you're having misgivings, wait! Enjoy your time with your baby, you have a few years before 35 hits!

It's funny, but when I only had one child it seemed impossible to get anything done. There was never enough time!
Once I had my second, I wondered why I thought ONE was so hard! With two, I never had time to get everything done and couldn't imagine what I would do with more than two.
My third baby was born a little over 4 months ago and I find myself wondering what I though was so hard about two! =)
Really, I think most of us don't feel really ready until the baby is here, but do what you feel is best for you and your family. My 2nd and 3rd are 27 months apart (closer than I had wanted) but it has been wonderful! I couldn't have planned it better myself.

Sometimes it seems like we have this idea of what an ideal family is and don't stop to think of what works for us as a real family. We must be carrying around images of a cottage and white picket fence, a spotted dog, an adorable little girl and a sturdy little boy, la-la-la.

You said you have a gorgeous little girl, a fabulous husband, a job you love. Your are tired and already have a jam packed life. And you think you should have a second child to complete some sort of preconceived idea of what a family looks like? If a child has to be "fit in", something is wrong with this picture. No disrespect but think again, please.

Hi C.! I have a maybe slightly different take than most. We were in the same boat as you. I am (now) 35 and our daughter is just over two. When she was about 16mos we decided it was time to try for #2. We always knew we'd be a two child family. However, like you I was secretly worried about a lot of things: finances, time, energy, and ruining the relationship I had with my daughter. But like you, I didn't want her to be an only child and I knew my DH would love a son. So we started trying. With my daughter we got PG the second month we tried so we had no concerns. Over a year later we have not conceived and have tried everything from non-traditional methods like acupuncture, to traditional fertility treatments (3 IUIs). Month after month when I'd get a negative PG test it was crushing. We've had all the testing done and everything is "normal". Once we finally decided, after our third IUI, that financially and emotionally it was time to move on, I allowed myself to grieve for the child I would (probably) never have. The funny thing is that - now that its all said and done - I am very much at peace with only having one child. We can do more, give her more, be with her more... etc. Not that having another child wouldn't have been a blessing... but I realize that maybe God and my body knew I was not ready to have another child. Aside from that, I have sister and we have just simply never gotten along. If we are together for more than a day or two, the fur flies! We just are way too different as people. So having a sibling is no guarantee of instant long term happiness or security.

Now, if something amazing happens and we would get PG, I'm not sure how I'd feel! I've so come to see the upside to having only my daughter that I think I would almost feel concern (not to mention at 35 I'm now "high risk"). So I guess what I'm saying is that it will all work out however it is supposed to - it really will - whichever way that is for you!

If you aren't ready, you aren't ready. Plans are made without knowing all the details and they can be changed. My two oldest children are 17 months apart and my third (and last) is 4 years younger then the middle child. While it was nice having them close and a playmate, the two oldest aren't as close as my daughter who is in the middle is with her younger brother. They are all adults and she still is closer to her little brother then her older one but then both my sons are very close even though they are 5 and half years apart.

You have time, things probably will settle down and it is nice to have time with one on one before having a second child. There is no reason to add more stress to your life before you feel ready.

C. - Life gets very complicated but I would say stop stressing about having another child. You're adding more stress to your already stressful life.

My children are 3.5 years apart - 4 school years. They were best friends growing up and still really like each other. The cool part is that they were so different as children and now as young adults their differences help them to remain as friends. My daughter is now 20 and my son is 16. My daughter was a big picture person and my son was a detail person so when they played, they rarely ever argued about ideas or events. My daughter is now out of the country studying abroad and when we talk by skype my son is right there and wanting to see her and talk to her. He's often the first to say to her that he loves her. So yes, 2 years apart sounds ideal but I'm here to tell you that nearly 4 years apart has been fabulous!!

Enjoy every day and every gift you have,

D.

As a full time working mother of four, I just want to tell you that it all works out. It isn't always easy, but usually the things that are really important aren't anyway.

If you want more than one child, I say go for it while you are younger. I had my last at 41 and I can tell you from experience I don't have as much energy as I used to.

Good luck with your decision.

G.

So just wait. A sibling won't make up for an overwhelmed mother in your daughter's view. And there is nothing wrong with being an "only child". My daughter was born when I was 41 and we had decided that one was going to be it. She is very outgoing with other kids and loves the individual attention we can give her. Financially and all other ways, we (and she) have an advantage over families of multiple children. My friends with two or three are envious of the time I don't have to spend dealing with the bickering and all else that goes on between their kids.

I have a sister two years younger than me and we speak once or twice a year. "Sibling" doesn't guarantee "relationship".

You have a lot of responses with a lot of great advice. I am a mom of a 2 year old and a 5 month old, and while it is sometimes crazy I am really surprised that it is not as bad as I thought it would be. If it's something you want, you CAN do it. It was more difficult for me to go from 0 to 1 child than it was from 1 to 2. I agree with the other posters who said that there really is no perfect time.

Follow your gut. Do what feels right for you and your family. But, I will say, there never is a "perfect" time to have a baby. There will always be financial things, or job things, or family things, or.... Take your time and do what feels right. Our daughter just turned 2 today and our new baby is due in about 3 weeks. I still sometimes think I must be crazy! But, I couldn't be happier. I know that the first year will probably be chaos (I hope at least organized chaos) but the rewards will be so great! Don't worry about age. Our first was born when I was 36 and I'm now 38. It probably is a little harder being pregnant at this age, but I don't know any different. And the added risks of being at "an advanced maternal age" are slim. Take your time and just be sure that you are ready if you do decide to have a second baby. But don't feel guilty either if you decide to just have one. Good luck!

this seemingly complicated question has a fairly simple answer; you just will. plenty of parents have and do juggle all their tasks and roles in life, and feel more love and more connected than they expected to. its not about sharing your love, time and energy, its about having more love! :D just having more. :D

if you really want it, just go for it. if you wait for he 'perfect situation' to have another child, you will never have another child because there is NO 'perfect time'.

however, if you are VERY hesitant, and your husband shares this view, it is best to wait and not cause any hostility or hurt feelings. let him know that it is OK for him to say if he feels hesitant. give him a safe space to express any fears of his own.
just trust that it will all work out for the best!

Quite honestly, we're wondering the same thing about #3. I'm 35, but don't feel ready yet but I know I can't wait too much longer. Every day is different - I'm just hoping a little bit more time will give me a better feel for what I'm able to handle. I do think that at 32 you have some time to still think about it. These days the prenatal care is phenomenal and they are much more cautious and the older you get the more monitoring they do.
We have 4 years between our 2 kids (oldest almost 6 and youngest almost 21 months). I LOVE the age difference. My younger sister and I were 6 years apart and are best friends. My older brother and I were 3 1/2 years apart from each other and were very close too. I also have an adopted brother who is 13 years younger than I am. We are close but are on different pages in life right now due to age. I am a SAHM but my husband used to travel quite a bit (10-15 days out of the month) so I felt like a single mom during the week. Since my dtr was 4 when my son was born, she was very involved and truly a big help (even when I didn't want her to help :) so I thought it worked out. Also, I had a c-section so it was easier for her to understand mommy's limitations better too. Of course with working a little bit here and there (I work on-call/PRN), my biggest help - FAMILY/FRIENDS for support/babysitting, etc. That should be your deciding factor. With 2 kids, I felt it was quite a big change for my husband - for me, not so much. He noticed a big change in his "free" time and felt a bit frustrated at times. He is a very active father and does a lot with the kids but having 2 kids means that both your hands are tied at times b/c kids can be demanding. With my dtr being a little older, she had no problem playing by herself if she needed to. I do think in the end whatever your life brings you . . . you should be able to handle it. Take every day in stride but also make sure you're totally comfortable with the decision you make. Good Luck!

Take your time - three years is a good age span and that would give you another 8 months to think about it and maybe you will feel more ready then.