Feeling Nervous About Getting Pregnant with Second While First Is So Little.....

It's OK to be nervous. Raising kids is very challenging. I had two spaced far apart (12 years) and two close together. I would recommend the two close together. Then you are raising them together, which in the short term is harder, but in the long term is easier, because you're done sooner with parenting. Also, they become friends - yea they fight a lot, but they become much closer than when they are farther apart.

B.,

Throw out the calendar. If you are not feeling like you want to be pregnant *right now* then it's not time yet. My children are 3 years 5 months apart and are the best of friends. The first words out of my son's mouth at the hospital were: Can I hold my baby sister now? He barely gave me a second look.

I wanted to have my kids about two years apart as well, it didn't work out, and I'm glad that there is more of an age gap. When it's time to get pregnant again you will know. Don't force the issue until you know you're ready. That's how my daughter came to be. Both of us just looked at each other and said that it was time to start trying for #2.

Patiently,
Melissa

You know what's funny? I have the opposite problem. I loved being pregnant the first time SO much. Now I want to be again, but I'm feeling a little guilty because I feel like I am more excited about the pregnancy than another baby! I just had to let you know, I don't really think it's a big deal.:)

Whoa... Give yourself a break! You're 32!! Young still!! Even if you waited six months, that would still put your babies just two years apart! I would take your feelings seriously and reevaluate things. Don't stress yourself out, enjoy your little one and see how things go when you get back to work, etc. Then, when you feel like you've had a breather, think about doing it again! Just my thoughts... take it or leave it.

I also wanted my kids close together - about 2yrs. My husband wanted them further apart 5-6yrs. I think our different ideas were based on our own lives. I'm 21 months younger than my sister and he is almost 6 years older than his sister. In any case I was not ready that soon. When our oldest was about 2 1/2 we let nature take its course. Our boys are 4 years and 1 month apart exactly (May 27/June 27). God made the compromise for us and it worked perfectly. You will know when it's your time, listen to your heart.

I think there is anxiety with the 2nd pregnancy because you know what to expect. The old saying "ignorance is bliss" is so true!

B.,
First off, congratulations on your 10mo old baby boy. I was just as excited with our first son because we had been trying for over 1yr. (My husband had undergone a vasectomy reversal) Even though I was feeling sick the entire pregnancy I was elated. After he came, all I focused on was him. I didn't have any thoughts of having another one very soon and we actually wanted to have only one.
When he was 2yrs old, we decided that we would try to get pregnant again. We figured that if God wanted us to have another, it would happen. Sure enough, as soon as we decided, I got pregnant. Literally within 2-3 days. (No lie. I know my body VERY well.)
With having a 2-1/2 yr old and a baby on the way, it was exhausting, plus I was vomiting daily until he was born.

For ME, having children 2-3yrs apart is natural. Having them closer is just plain wrong. I needed my body to recover from having the first child plus I needed to get down a routine of having a child in our home. (I was the same age as you when our first was born too.) I wanted our first to have time with just my husband and myself, and we had just that. We adjusted to family life and one child. With all the adjusting we had to make, things worked out the way they were supposed to for us.
We had our selfish time of going anywhere on a whim and today, our complete focus is our two boys. We are a family and there is no going back to being just two married adults. (BTW, we have been together and married for over 14yrs.)
You do what is right for you. If you don't feel ready for baby #2 then don't have one. If you are only wanting one now to fit it into a maternity leave plan, then I think that is completely ridiculous. Have children because it's what's in your heart, not what is convenient for a work schedule. (This might be your inner concerns)

I know in my heart that you will make the best decision for YOU, just as we did for us. You are blessed to have the son you have.
Take care.

I found out I was pregnant when my son was 10 months old, and not only was I not excited, I was depressed about it. I too wanted my kids close together, but I didn't think they would be this close. As the pregnancy continued though, I found myself getting more and more excited. By the time my baby girl arrived, I was ecstatic, despite financial stresses etc... It all works out, but maybe you should try to let it happen naturally, without your actually trying to get pregnant. I will also tell you that I was miserable the summer that my second was born - in August. If you can avoid it, I suggest waiting until the due date is at least October. It is absolutely miserable to be at your biggest and most awkward in the heat of the summer.

You're the one who has to bear the physical and emotional burden of pregnancy, delivery, and newborn care--in addition to caring for your older child! Listen to your heart and body, not the calendar. You have plenty of time.

Many researchers feel there is less bad feeling between sibs who are a little farther apart--less direct competition, which can play out in very physical (even dangerous) ways when they are too young to control their impulses.

Don't get pregnant if you're not mentally ready! Your first child will not be potty trained and will still be very needy when the baby comes. I'd recommend waiting 6 months or so and see how you feel then. You have to honor the little voice in your head...it's there for a reason!

Hi B.,
My son is 13 months old & I am 3 months pregnant with my 2nd baby. It is not easy. My son is so busy, learning to walk, constantly getting into everything, still not sleeping through the night, so I haven't been able to rest as much as during my 1st pregnancy. This state of constant fatigue & nausea is not fun. However, I am in my 2nd trimester now & things are looking up. I am more energetic & nausea is gone. I am 31 years old & really want to get my family out of the way. I don't want to repeat pregnancy & the newborn stage 4-5 years from now. Plus everything just gets harder with age. It is amazing how quickly you forget the sleepless nights, exhaustion, etc. Also one's fertility declines after age 35 so I didn't want to gamble with my ability to have kids. I am looking forward to my 2 babies growing up together. I might have a 3rd one down the road but once the 1st two are out of diapers & able to help around house. It is not an easy decision. I am sure you'll do what is right for you.

Well I was in your boat wanting the kids close in age and I was going to wait until my son was 2 to start trying. That didn't really happen. My son is 17 months older than my daughter and it works great (they're now 3 and almost 2). I was amazed at how quickly my son became helpful in getting wipes, diapers, etc. We're now to the point that they play with the sam toys, they enjoy each other and are their own playmentes. The first few months were the hardest I will admit but if you can get past the first then it gets so much easier (as with any baby). I also enjoy that my son doens't remember ever not having a sister so it wasn't a huge change to him.

Hey B. - Don't beat yourself up about it. And also remember, that our timing isn't always baby's timing anyway! My first baby was a shocking surprise 3 months after we got married, and I definitely had some guilt about not wanting a baby yet. Second baby came just as planned - 2 years and 2 months apart. #3 just came last February after trying for 7 months! I never planned to have a nearly 4 year gap between kids, but the Lord knew what was best!! After trying for so long for our third, the day I was looking at that positive pregnancy test my stomach started churning and I was thinking, "What have I done!?!" Isn't that crazy?

I don't know what your pregnancy experience was, but I positively LOVE being pregnant. And when you can lay with your son looking at a book that shows how the baby in your belly is developing and he puts his mouth to your belly and says "I love you, baby!" to his little brother or sister, there is nothing that is more heartwarming!!! You will feel excited on that day, even if you don't now.

Blessings on your way!!

The first is always the most exciting, so don't feel bad about not being as excited about the others. It does not mean that you love them any less, just that you've "been there done that". You are so much more busy and drained now than you were when you got pregnant the first time. You will still be thrilled when you get the positive test, when you feel a kick, and whatnot, but you probably won't feel like you are walking on cloud nine for 9 months. Having kids this close together means that you are going to be very very busy and tired for a few years, but then have it easier while your kids live with their best friend for the remaining years. More fighting, but less entertaining. There is no one perfect age gap, and every family has to chose for themselves, which you have, so just trust your plan and go for it.

Hi B.--

I am in the exact same position as you. My son will be 1 in January and we always wanted our kids about 2 years apart. I know now would be the time to start trying for our second, but it's hard to convince my husband right now! :) It took us about a year and a half to conceive the first time and I can't imagine that happening again.

I think you know what you want, and although the thought of being pregnant right now doesn't sound too fun, just think of the baby at the end. I definitely think you can enjoy your second pregnancy as much as your first...it might even be more exciting because your little guy will be there to share the excitement with your for his little brother/sister.

Good luck to you!

A.

Wait. Your inner voice is already trying to tell you.....
See how you feel after you return to work. The kids will get along/fight/etc.... no matter how many years apart you space them.

I am in your position exactly, my daughter was 9 1/2 months when we got pregnant with the fist. No problem the first time and we were very blessed and no problem the second time. The month before we tried I wasn't ready but when we started I ended up feeling a lot better. I am excited to be pregnant again, I loved it the first time...am nervous and anxious and a little sad that i won't have all my attention for my daughter but I love the miracle growing inside me.
Wait until you are ready, you will know when the time is right! We had to "work fast" due to my age, but I also felt the timing was right. You may just need a month or two to get used to the idea..it's a lot of work to have two:)

I felt the same way. I think it's partly because now you know exactly what you're getting yourself into and you know that being pregnant means some blah days. You also know what having a child is like and that makes you excited! Even though conceiving again felt "like a chore", we were still thrilled with our pregnancy and little girl! All the best!

You say that you're returning to work soon. Have you considered that that might be part of the reason you're feeling unsure about being pregnant again? I know I can't imagine trying to adjust to going back to work again while trying to get pregnant (or being pregnant!) AND having a toddler at home. All while knowing you'll be taking maternity leave again soon! Maybe I'm misunderstanding your situation, but if not I'd say do everything you can to stay home, do nothing to prevent pregnancy (but don't necessarily TRY) and then let the Lord bless you with a second child in His perfect timing. On a personal note, my husband and I let the Lord plan our family and so far we have a daughter who was 2 in June and a son born in July and just for encouragement, everything has been much easier the second time around!! God bless you in your decision making!

I'm right there with you. I'm 34 and my husband of 6 years and I have a 9 month old son and have started trying for our second (we want them 1.5-2 years apart). It kind of feels like a chore (honey, I'm ovulating!) I believe it is because I am home (sometimes working at home) with a little one all day (he's easy, but it is still exhausting) and never feel in the mood when my husband gets home. As soon as my son is down for the night, so am I. We wake up a different times so mornings don't always work. Thus, sex is scheduled. Your life is so different right now than when it was when you were trying for the first. And I'm sure there is a bit of fear. Your little man is probably starting to crawl, and you know he will be fully mobile when you hope to be in the first trimester (and terribly tired). You have your ideal timetable so every ovulation counts. I know how you feel. Just remember what the end result is. I personally can't wait to be pregnant again when I wanted sex all of the time. Don't feel guilty, your life is completely different now than it was the last time you were going through this.

B., you write that your "idea" is to have babies close together, but this is running in opposition to your "feelings" that you are not emotionally ready to embrace a new pregnancy with enthusiasm. Is that a fair summary?

If you could put the maternity leave aside, which would you choose right now, and for what reasons? If your answer right now is a clear "wait awhile," perhaps that would be not only for your own welfare but also, necessarily, for the benefit of your magical son and wonderful hubbie. The success of your family is leaning heavily on your own satisfaction, energy, and limitations, especially while your baby is so young. Will you be able to go on enjoying your family as much if you spread your time and energy thinner?

Do you want to let an idea that you had BEFORE you found out how demanding parenthood really is drive your decision? I truly don't understanding what is "ridiculous" about not wanting to be pregnant again so soon. It's an exhausting process, and mothering an infant is even more demanding. I've heard that the body actually needs a couple of years to get back to normal. I would strongly advocate for waiting until you have regained some stamina. It really sounds to me like that is what you most desperately need to hear.

But you are the one who needs to decide. I hope you will not pre-judge any of your needs as being unworthy. You aren't as likely to make a choice that will work well in the long run if you let preexisting ideas steamroller your actual experience.

If you're not sure then definitely wait! My girls are 20 months apart and the spacing is really nice now that they're both older, but the first year was really tough. My younger is now 15 months and my older will be 3 next month and I love the spacing, but really, it's a lot of hard work for quite a while.

So, it can certainly work, but I'm really getting the feeling from your post that you're not ready for this yet. Your feelings may change in a couple months or so and then you would still be able to possibly have them be about 2 years apart!

Best wishes!
~B.

Hi B.,

Unfortunatly, this is a decision that only you can make for yourself. It is challenging enough with one little one and adding another with the pregnancy and all is very tiring.

I won't presume to sugggest to you what to do, only share my personal experience. We have two that are almost 20 months apart (a little more than 19 months), and it certainly was extremely challenging when they were small. They are now 4 and 5 respectively and it is easier in a lot of ways but of course some of it has been replaced with different challenges specific to their current ages.

I can tell you when the second one was born and people asked me how I did it I used to say "sometimes I need to leave one of them crying, sometimes they are both crying, and heck, sometimes we are all crying together". The first time I was left with the two by myself I was scared to death. But I got through it (things became very scheduled), and now I get to watch my children play together and they entertain themselves a lot of the time which gives me time to clean or cook or whatever. Of course they also fight, but it is much less now than it used to be.

I was also filled with a lot of guilt about my older child once the second one arrived, feeling like I was no longer able to give her the attention like I had been able to. And she definetely had to adjust. Suddenly my attention was divided, and this was not considered a good thing. So there were some struggles in the beginning. However, now I can't imagine how things would be if we had made a different decision.

Another thing that happened in our case is that our older child started getting into the "terrible twos" about the time we had the second one. Truth be told, if we had not already been pregnant when she started that phase then we very well might have waited perhaps a couple more years because it was truly challenging to work through. But there again, I am glad we worked through it all then so we can be at the point we are now. Our original thinking was have them both close together so we can move them through the different stages together (diapers, potty training, getting into school close together) and now in just a couple of years they will both be in school together and suddenly I may be able to consider part time jobs and such that won't interfere with normal "family" time.

To sum it all up, it probably won't be easy with a second pregnancy and a little one already there, but if you have a goal of where you see you and your family in 5-10 years and two close together are part of that plan then certainly go for it. It will be hard, but you'll get through it and most likely will be happy you did it. Even waiting has special challenges associated with it. I have in-laws who have kids 8 years apart, and those kids lead two totally seperate lives. The older one is into all kinds of activities that they need to be ferried to and meanwhile the younger one has learned to nap or go to sleep in the car as a result so now tha parents can't get then to sleep in their crib. That is jut one example of the challenges they face. So, if you know you want two or more ultimatly, I guess it is just a matter of which challenges you want to deal with, not if you have challenges or not.

I hope this helps you.

J.

Well, the first time it was something new, so of course you were very excited. For me I wasn't looking forward to another pregnancy, but I did want another baby. I told myself I wasn't "trying" to have a baby, I was just going off birth control. I didn't worry about when it happened, didn't keep great track of periods, I did write down when I had one, but didn't look ahead to ovulation days or anything scientific. I just relaxed and let nature take its course. When I did miss my period and found out I was pregnant, those maternal feelings kicked in and I was very happy. Hope this helps a bit.

My girls are 20 months apart and are currently 2 and 6 mos. It is definitely natural to not feel as excited the second time. The first time I was excited as well. Everything was new and and the thought of new life was wonderful. But I was also heavy and tired all the time. So I know exactly what you mean by feeling the timing is right but not looking forward to being pregnant again. Its hard to have a toddler while you are so tired. Towards the very end of my second pregnancy my poor daughter ended up watching a lot of TV. My second pregnancy did feel like something to get through. But it also brought me joy to feel her kicking around inside. So from my experience, while you do not have to enjoy being pregnant, you can still bond with your baby and look forward to his/her arrival. I'm glad my girls are this close in age. They still don't really play together but they do interact and really love each other. My older daughter doesn't even remember a time without her sister.

It's great that you have yr for maternity leave!!!! You must have an awesome employer or a great labor union that negotiated your contract!!! With a second child, the mystery is gone. You know what's going to happen, the good and the not so good. It's challenging being pregnant and the 1st time you didn't know, now you do. You're busier. Sure you had work before, but now you have your baby/toddler. He's one of your top priorities, if not #1 and you don't want that to change for him. It wasn't until we were driving to the hospital to deliver our 2nd child and dropping our daughter off at my parents to watch that I had a melt down and started feeling really, really guilty about what I was doing to her world. I remember my Mom coming out to the car and giving me a huge hug and telling me my heart was having growing pains, but by the time this new baby was laid in my arms, there would be enough of me for all of them. Our first two kids are 22 months apart, number 2 and 3 are 34 months apart. They are best friends, supportive of one another, parent each other over 'homework' and 'chores', so I don't have to do all the hassling over things being done. Enjoy the new baby whenever he/she arrives. The wonder of siblings, the sharing, the loving... it's way cool.

Chances are eveything will be different. When I had one pregnancy and one child I thought I knew everything I needed and was experienced.
Along came pregnancy two TOTAL different experience Totally different kid with different joys and different problems!!!!
Just looking at any family with more than one child can show you how different the experience and the children can be.

Worry less jump in with an open mind and heart and a sence of humor..you'll be just fine.
I bet your a little nervous to go back to work, too.
You can write me directly for more details if you want.
Best of luck and love.

I'm pregnant with number 2 and they will be 2 years apart. I like the spacing so that made us a little anxious as well. But I think lots of the emotions with #2 are a little different. Not everything is new. plus you have one child in your life to think about already...and maybe tire you out so things aren't as romantic.

We had our second baby when our oldest was 2 1/2 because "we'd always wanted them to be close together," just like you said. I love both of my boys dearly, but I do wish there was a little larger age gap between them. During my pregnancy I was often tired or felt ill, so I missed out on some important time with my older child when he was still basically a baby himself. When our baby was born, my older child still needed a lot of help with potty learning and took advantage of mommy sitting down to nurse the baby to get into trouble. My older child still doesn't understand how to be "gentle" with the baby and I have to constantly guard and protect the baby from his big brother. I just feel like I'm spread too thin sometimes.
On the other hand, there were 4 1/2 years between my younger brother and I and I still feel like that age gap was too large for us to really bond with each other like I would have liked.
I guess there's no easy answer to this question, but my advice would be this: If you don't feel ready, don't do it! Enjoy your baby now and think about growing your family later.

B., go for it. My kiddo's are 2 years and 2 months apart. So my daughter was 16months old when I got pregnant with my son. Ya I was super tired (and very pukey) being pregnant and taking care of another child. And we were being to potty train. Your life may feel like a circus for a little bit from time to time. But it is so worth it. We still had all of our baby things. Having a big brother/sister waiting for their new baby to be born is amazing. If you cried with joy when your first was born, you will sob like a baby this time. My kids are 7months old and almost 3. They laugh and smile and already look out for each other.And they are able to play together. Your oldest will want to grow up to be a big helper for you. Plus I have heard and seen through friends that they older the sibling is the more jealousy there could be. You will be happy no matter what.... Don't worry.
A.

B.,
I just had my second son, and the first is 4 1/2. My first choice would be to have them close together, but it didn't work out that way. I LOVE having them so far apart. I was more than ready to get pregnant again, which made it just as exciting as the first. My first was out of diapers, goes to preschool (time to rest if you don't work!), helps out, and is super excited about being a brother. He understands WAY more than a 20-month will. When I need to nurse baby, he finds something to occupy himself. He gets that I need to rest when baby rests. If I were to do it again, I would absolutely wait. Now, if a third is in order for our family, we can't possible wait that long, so we could be doing just about what you are. This is just my experience. Enjoy the ride, whenever you choose to have another blessing!

If you are unsure about the timing then wait. Yu need to listen to your inner voice. Good Luck!!!

It sounds like your not ready to have another baby. Wait a couple of months. They kids would still be two years apart if you waited two to four months.

B.,

I understand where you are coming from completely. I have a 15 month old and am due with our second in 1 week. We wanted another baby and we wanted them close together, however, pregnancy is so miserable for me that I just wanted to go to bed and wake up in 9 months. I love our son and wanted another, but I cried when I knew what I was in for.

I have to tell you that although this second pregnancy has been hard there are a few things that have made it easier:
1) I got to see, love, hold and and enjoy my wonderful son. Having him would take my mind off of what I was going through.
2)I was more focused on what I needed to do to stay healthy, because I had already done it once.
3)My husband has been more confident in jumping in, helping me cope with pregnancy and and as always is amazingly supportive.
4) I have a larger community of support this time then I did last time. More mommies and friends with children who have been supportive and wonderful.
5)I knew this time the joy that would come from motherhood and that pregnancy was the means to that joy.

I hope this helps and really I know being only one week from seeing our second little man that all that I have been through is so worth it!!

I haven't done it YET, but wanted to express my support. Our first is 15 months--we had to wait a little longer because of a c-section--and we're getting ready to start trying. While I WANT another baby, I'm already SO busy that being pregnant will be hard--hard to be tired taking care of a toddler, hard to gain the weight I just lost, etc. So I think I understand--I want the baby, just not excited about the pregnancy part. :) Good luck--to us both!

A little background for you - My 2 children are 22 months apart, and I am pregnant again. My youngest will be 2 1/2 when the baby is born.

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. Many things in pregnancy are not exactly thrilling - you shouldn't beat yourself up because you don't relish every second. I don't enjoy morning sickness, the tiredness, the moodiness, or the aches and pains. I put up with those things because it's worth it to me to have a child. On the plus side, I've found that morning sickness hasn't been as bad as it was with my first pregnancy (each time it's been easier), and with other kids to chase after, time goes by much faster.

I hope this helps you.

Maybe you could try not making it as much work? Stop all forms of birth control and just let nature take it's course. If you get pregnant, then it was meant to be right now... and you sound like the kind of person that will enjoy every second of it no matter what... but it won't feel like a job having to keep track of things, times, etc. If it doesn't happen right away, it sounds like that would be ok too. 20 months is still a bit from 2 years. You could wait 6 more months and they would still be close to 2 years apart. (My brother and I were 2.5 years apart and it was PERFECT! Just far enough apart to have our own lives, but close enough to also fit into each others.) Also, keep in mind that if we waiting till we were ready (maternity leave, scheduling, finances, etc.) no one would ever have a baby because nothing would ever line up together!