Here's the facts: I've been married for 6.5 years (together for 10) and it's been rocky for a while. Last night the big blow up happened and I think my husband is through (which is ironic because I'm the one in the caretaker role, but that's another story). Anyway, we have a son who is just over 2 and one of my step daughters lives with us (she's 12 and been in our house over a year).
Here are the problems: 1) I am the breadwinner - by far. The house and cars and everything else is in my name. We are also WAY in debt because of his failed business venture but I am keeping us afloat - barely. My job is my rock! Problem is, I work with my mother-in-law, his first cousin and her husband. It's a VERY small law firm, I've been there for 8 years and the pay is above industry standard. If we do split I don't know that I can still work there - should I even try? I cannot be unemployed, but I don't know how long it would take to find another job - and forget about making the same income. I need some feedback on this please!!
2) My stepdaughter: she decided to move in with us at the beginning of last school year (6th grade) because of a terrible relationship with her mother. The transition was rough because she missed her friends who were now 15 miles away, but she made it through. I know that if we split he will be the one moving out - what do I do about her??? Do I keep supporting her? Do I send her back to her mom's? My husband has NEVER been able to live on his own or manage his own money so I will assume he'll move in with his family or something and that would take her out of her school. Please give me some thoughts on this one too!!
3) Besides that fact that I will most likely loose my job and god knows how if I'll be able to keep my house, if at all, my ENTIRE family lives on the other side of the country - literally - and I have almost zero friends here in town. My social circle consists of co-workers and his family, all of which would be off limits. I know that it would be wrong to take my son away from his dad but I keep thinking that I will need to move back home. Again, all thoughts are appreciated!
I know divorce is SHITTY so it's not like there's an upside, but seriously, I am going to loose my entire world. How on earth do I figure this out?
Thank you so much for all of the words of encouragement and thought provoking points. I do not want to give up on my marriage and I intend to fight for it - talk with DH and possibly seek counseling. Some of you were right that the blow up brought out issues that could probably be worked through and so long as he's willing to try and not make good on his threats, we might be fine. All in the name of love and the betterment of our family, I will hang in there for now. I feel like my perspective is better. Thank you mamas!
I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet.
The blowup established/brought out into the open that you and he have issues.
Is there any likelihood marriage counseling might be an option?
Go to a consult with a divorce attorney, Jennifer. The bad news she gives you might be enough to shock you (and maybe your husband too) into adapting a different philosophy about the whole mess.
I'm sorry, but your post is so even tempered and matter of fact, it's hard not to answer the question you didn't ask, which is are you sure it's not worth saving? Your husband wants it to end? He really wants TWO ex families?
You sound so smart and sensible, is this what YOU really want? What do YOU want, Jennifer?
:(
Have you tried a marriage counselor? Sounds like you both have much to lose and everything to gain by working it out.
Big blow-ups happen because there are unresolved issues. Eventually couples get sick of the blow-ups and want to leave without ever really taking a look at the actual issue and trying to solve it.
Once you both know what the REAL issues are (chances are the blow-ups are not about the real issues) then you can, with clear heads, decide if the marriage will work.
I don't know you very well, but I see lots of red flags as to possible issues without even having sat down to talk to you. You mention failed business--a failed business really hits a man where it hurts. For men, what they do is often who they are. When a man fails at a business, he often has an identity crisis. Plus some men feel like they want to contribute to the family through money and a failed business means they are a failed father and husband. On top of that, he's put you all in debt. So I can see big stressors to your relationship right there! It's no wonder you are on the rocks!
On top of that you work for his family. And are successful. I can almost sense his self-loathing (that would of course come out in many different ways) from here!
I suggest counseling for both of you to work it through. Sounds like you need a family plan to work through this together, not do something that will tear everyone apart and both of you will end up much worse than before. Both of you have everything to lose apart and everything to gain together.
This is God's way of telling you that you belong together.
Go to see a lawyer. Oregon is not a community property state. He may only be entitled to 1/6 of what you have. Here's the rule if I remember it rightly, 6 years 1/6 of your assets, 15 years 1/3 and 20 years of marriage 1/2. I divorced at the 6 year point so he couldn't get my royalties on a book that I have earned on for 27 years now.
Your husband is a loser until he decides to work on his emotional immaturity. As for his family what makes you think they'll take his side over yours. He's the one who is a burden to them.
Your stepdaughter is 12. A judge will consider what she wants in a custody arrangement. Would you like to keep her? It sounds like you are the only adult in her life since her biological parents are such children.
I would start by putting the house up for sale & separating your debt. I would send a note to the three big credit reporting agencies telling them you are financially divorced from you husband & he may not use your income to get credit. Work on trying to save you marriage, just be smart & have a back up plan in motion.
I am so sorry that this is happening. I know it all seems impossible now, but it will work out if you just get up each day, put one foot in front of the other and do the best you can possibly do for that day.
1) I don't know that this decision will be yours. They might find it uncomfortable and let you go. Unless you have an employment contract, as you know, you are an at-will employee and can be let go at any time. If they do want to keep you, I would stay at least for while to see how things are going to go. If you're uncomfortable, then look for another job, but don't quit this one until you have another.
2) As for your stepdaughter, you have no legal right to keep her so when dad moves out, she needs to go with him. If you, she, your hubby and her mom all agree, then she can stay with you but I would be asking someone to pay some sort of support for her. After all, she is not your child.
3) If you need to move back home in order to provide or yourself and your son, then that's what you'll have to do. It would be sad to separate your son from his father, but even sadder if you and your son end up homeless because you tried to hang on to a house you couldn't afford.
I hope things work out for you. I know this is an extremely trying and stressful time. Just lean on your friends and us mama's and you'll get through it!
You don't have too, Take it from someone who has been married for 30 years, there is not problem that can't be fixed, there is no wrong doing (Sin) that can't be forgiven, I'm going to tell you the same thing that someone told me and my husband when we were having our problems and that is :Yours and yours husband's love for your kids has to be stronger than your problems, stronger than your anger with oneanother, stronger than all the issues that are cause you to split, if your ,love for your kids is stronger than all of that you'll make were living proff, and now our kids our grown and their family is still intact, You are worring about your jobm being unemployed, when you should be worring about te inpact a split will have on your children. J.
I know you didn't really ask if your marriage can be saved but I want to respond that I've somewhat been in your situation. Fortunately my husband's failed business wasnt a huge financial pressure for us but that's bc of my job and yes, that makes him mad and feel like a failure. Add in very young kids etc and it's not an ideal situation. We didn't really consider divorce bc in a way I think we were just too busy! And neither of us are from divorced parents and I think neither of us could just imagine taking that final step. But boy did we fight and both of us contemplate it I think. In your situation, divorce is so incredibly inconvenient. Can you try to just muddle through for awhile? Does your husband even work? Your husband likely has his ego like most men and it's very bruised but he needs to see that splitting up is very impractical now. Where's he going to go? Home to mommy? He'd be divorced twice then. Let this all sink in and hopefully he'll see he has a lot to lose. It's not entirely clear what's going wrong but I can see myself in you a bit. He can't handle his money, you make the money, his business failed etc. Most of that is his fault and deep down he knows it and likely that is making him strike out yet it's of course very annoying to you. My husband is a really good guy in many ways. Some things I don't entirely respect about him thouhg and it's an issue. But we're doing much better with it all. Hopefully your husband is rationale on some levels and wants what's best for your son and his daughter. Not sure if you can afford a counselor but that wuold likely help. If not, maybe agree to just be roommates for awhile. That's not the worst thing in the world and if your husband gets a job or something better professionally happens and your son gets a bit older which takes pressure off, you may slowly move back towards each other. In a way, just make divorce not an option. And very possibly his family will side with you...
You are making a lot of assumptions here...
1. You are assuming that your marriage is over.
2. You are assuming that you will hand-over your assets (not true)
3. You are assuming that the only reason you work at that law firm is because you are related- maybe true, but they can't fire you because you divorced their son.
If you split, then he needs to purchase the vehicle from you. If he cannot do that, then sell it. Keep the cash and pay off some of the debt. Sell the house (if you can) and downsize. Again, pay off debt where you can.
His finances are his issue. His daughter is his issue. I'm not being cold here, just honest. She is his responsibility and whatever the parents decide is best is what you honor. If that means that she stays with you until the end of the school year, then so be it. If that means she moves back in with mom, then there's the answer.
You may not be able to move back home for many reasons... the house, the job, visitation agreements, etc. Start putting your resume together now and make sure that you and your assets are protected. Whatever the issues are within your marriage remember that stability for your child needs to be at the forefront.
Seek counseling if you think it would help. If not, start getting things in order. Good luck!
Since your so entangled w/his family the absolute BEST thing (for your children) would be for you adults to be able to be civil to eachother...any way you guys can talk things out and remain friends?
When I went to a divorce lawyer after less than a year of marriage to my hubby (we just celebrated 7) she gave me the consult for FREE. She is the best one in my area too...but still.
A lot of times you can get a consult for a great price, and then it should also secure that attorney for you.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. And you're a wonderful person to take your stepdaughter into account!
A good attorney will charge you around $500 for a consult. You lay everything on the table and they will tell you how to proceed and what is most likely going to happen. At least then you will go in with your eyes wide open.
Plus if you proceed a lot of what you did would have been necessary to proceed so it saves you billable hours on the back end so you don't lose money.
If you are certain that you will no longer be welcome at your job then you need to start looking for a new job now, especially if you think you are going to end up paying spousal support/maintenance and/or child support. You don't want to have the amount set based on what you are earning if your income potential is actually much lower when you factor in the current nepotism. Even if you do so, it is possible that the court will make a decision based on an average of your past 3 or 4 yearly incomes as well as your current income, however, you have a good argument as to why you cannot stay in your current position. If the business debt is in his name and was his venture only then perhaps you won't be responsible for half the debt but I wouldn't bank on it.
As to the step-daughter...you can remain a part of her life if you wish and if her parents consent. You have no legal obligation to her since she has only been living with you for 1 year. As much as you are concerned about her, it is her parents who really need to make the decisions concerning her. If your husband moves out, step-daughter has to go with him or back to mom's unless you want to be her legal guardian which will require more fees and court time.
You have made a life where you are. It is up to you if you want to move but a lot of states do not allow moves outside of a 100 mile radius during divorce proceedings and, should you move after the divorce, often times the parent who moves is responsible to facilitate and pay any expenses associated with getting the child to the other parent for visitation.
If you think you and your husband can be civil and settle things amicably, then you really should try mediation. It is easier for everyone involved. If you expect a lot of disagreements and battles then you should meet with an attorney soon. Many fabulous attorneys do offer fee consultations.
Good luck.
Speak to a counselor to help you sort all of this out. First of all, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is overwhelming to think about all the "what-ifs" and to deal with everything going on. Although it's a great idea to plan everything in advance, sometimes you need to just plan what needs to be done today. Sometimes worrying about the future too much can hinder you. A lot of this will work itself out. I would try to maintain your relationship at work as much as possible. If it's possible to keep working with your in laws, this would probably be ideal (that's my first thought but I don't know your situation so I may be way off here). But if it's impossible, you will be able to find something else. You'll also be able to find another place to live etc. It will all work out regardless of which direction you choose. It's harder to gain perspective when you're right in the middle of all of this mess. Hang in there! As far as your step daughter, is it possible for you to take her to live with you? See an attorney and a counselor to help you sort all of this out. Write out the different scenerios and the pros and cons of each so you can see it on paper. Staying at work, losing my job, losing my house, staying in my house, moving with family, staying here etc. Write it all out and see where you'd be in each scenerio. Hang in there and good luck!
I am by no means telling you to stay in a relationship if you are unhappy, but you need to weight the pros and cons here. NO relationship is perfect, and I think every married person will tell you that. My husband and I were seperated for a year about 2 years ago and let me tell you, the grass is NOT always greener on the other side. You guys fell in love for a reason, find that reason. Take some time together and work on your relationship.....try counseling, if you can. It sounds like you both have too much to lose if you lose one another, so why not fight a little harder?
You may end up paying spousal & child support for BOTH kids since you are supporting them now.
Your husband would probably need to buy you out of the house if he wants to stay there.
As for your job that is intertwined with your in-laws--who knows? They may truly value you as an employee and wish to make sure you stay.
As for the SD, I would *think* he would want her with him.
I do agree with getting a consult with an attorney.
Before divorce, I think I would want to feel that we had really tried everything possible to avoid it. Is this a financial issue that keeps exploding? There are things that can help--counselors, better money management, etc. Do you feel you guys have tried everything?
Good luck!
Get thee to a family lawyer ASAP for advise. This is too complicated. You need to know your rights and responsibilities regarding you paying him alimony, child support and custody, keeping your job (could MIL fire you without cause?), etc. Sounds like you may need an accountant too to seek help with planning.
No specific answers, but I feel just terrible for the 2 kids. I hope whatever happens is truly for the best for everyone.
I don't have any advice, I just wanted to say I am sorry for everything you are going through and I hope it turns out OK. You will survive. HUGS.
I don't have anything that hasn't been said already! However whatever happens I urge you to keep in contact with your stepdaughter-she obviously needs you!
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I don't have anything that hasn't been said already! However whatever happens I urge you to keep in contact with your stepdaughter-she obviously needs you!
Nice of you to be concerned about your step daughter...but I would assume he would take her with him. Other than that...just wanna say I feel for you...I wouldn't know what the heck to do...what does your family say? Take care.
