I Want a Divorce and He Does Not

Hire a good attorney and let them help you through this mess. It's okay. And it's great that he's good with the kids. Embrace that he's a good dad who has major problems and isn't a good husband. Get a professional to work out the rest.

I wanted to divorce my husband, he did not, he had no choice in the matter. He is my ex husband now. Do not use him as an excuse because really when you do it makes it look more like you don't want a divorce either it is just a threat.

So if you really want a divorce, if you really want things to be better get a full time job with benefits. Get to a place where you can actually support yourself as a single mom. Then tell him you are going to divorce him and do it!

Edit, Gamma, why do you put your opinion out there as fact all the time? Don't you realize it is dangerous? If she hides money in a bank account it will be found and it will look bad to the judge! Never in the history of divorce has being a stay at home mom caused you to lose custody! The only thing that has changed is it no longer gives you full custody. Please consider that someone may actually listen to you when giving advice.

G.,

I've read through your other posts. You honestly sound like you are going through a mid-life crisis and have depression. Are you looking for sympathy or direction?

I am not going to give you

You don't know what you want to do for a career. You can't decide between cyber security and fire/EMT - two ENTIRELY different career paths.

You have wanted a divorce for 4 years, did something about it and changed your mind.

You need a plan. What do you want do to?
How will you support yourself and your kids if you divorce him?
Do you honestly think he'll pay child support if he can't pay the bills?
You REALLY need to get into the accounts and see what is going on. No freaking kidding.

Your daughters should be in school so day care shouldn't cost as much. You really should look into it. Or into positions that will be flexible with your daughter's school schedules. Being an EMT won't be conducive to taking care of your kids. Those are 24 hours shifts.

You know, it's OKAY to fight in front of kids. Why? Because they see that people have differences of opinions and work through them. No hitting. No name calling. No below the belt.

If he won't go to counseling - YOU SHOULD. You need to figure out what you are going to do with your life. Stop moping and whining about it. DO SOMETHING. My ex-husband told me I would NEVER make it without him. He told me I would end up living with my parents and they would end up paying my way back from Europe. Nope. Got a job. Got an apartment and lived there for 2 years on my own. Showed him I didn't NEED him. He couldn't even go grocery shopping without help after I left him. Our daughter had to show him what we typically bought.

What CAN you do? What skills do you have? Get a plan. Get your ducks in a row and figure out what you are going to do. Get copies of ALL the accounts - business and otherwise - ensure you are NOT on the business account as a VP or something like that so he could get small business W. ownership. LOOK at the contracts he has. Take copies of them.

Call the IRS and request copies of the last 5 years of income taxes, payments and such.

This is NOT going to be easy. But YOU have to do something. NO ONE else can do it for you. You have to make the decisions and you have to follow through with them. He knows you aren't serious so he can keep up his games.

Your daughters ARE paying attention. They ARE noticing their parents aren't sleeping together. THIS is the example of marriage you are setting for your kids. Is this what you want? I don't think so.

GET A PLAN IN PLACE.

I left my husband about a year and a half ago after 22 years of marriage. It was THE hardest thing I have ever done but you know what? So worth it. Yes it was brutal, yes it was very, very hard on my kids, and they are older (that was the hardest part for me) but at this point they are finally seeing and understanding why I did it. I didn't even have a job at the time. My husband didn't want a divorce either, why would he? I did everything, I took care of everything and everyone, including him. He wasn't a drunk or irresponsible with money but he was controlling and verbally and emotionally abusive and I decided 1) I deserved better and 2) I couldn't allow my kids to continue seeing me live like that.
You may think your children don't know what's going on but I promise you they do. Kids are very, VERY aware, especially when it comes to their mother, so if it's really as bad as you say then please do yourself and THEM a favor and get out now. You can do it, and you will feel so much relief you have no idea.
Good luck!!!

You are in denial, he is in denial, and you are showing your daughters that DENIAL is a lifestyle.

Is this what you want for them?

Stop feeding his denial. Stand up for yourself and your daughters!

Line up your support (where to live, finances,health insurance,bank and financial records,cell phone and update your legal advice) and file.

He has shown you SEVERAL times the marriage is not worth saving. See this clearly and move on.

Sounds like you have many good reasons to get a divorce. So get it. Sounds like you're afraid of him. Sounds like he's abusive at times. Talk with a counselor from women's shelter. She can help you and your children be safe.

I suggest you'll benefit from counseling. A counselor can help you learn to be strong for yourself and your children.

It is not true that the working parent is likely to get custody of the children. The court had a study done to learn who will be the best parent. Obviously, he isn't. I suggest you talk with a family law attorney to learn how divorces are handled in your county.information gives you power.

G., you don't need his permission to file for divorce. It doesn't matter if he wants it or not. If you do, go right ahead and file. I guess I don't understand what you think the difference would be between him wanting a divorce or not. It really doesn't matter, nor does it change anything...the relationship still ends whether or not its mutual. When you serve him, if he has any brains at all he'll consult with a few attorneys who will probably all tell him generally the same thing: whether or not alimony is on the table (most likely not but some people structure child support as alimony for tax purposes), what he will be ordered to pay in child support, whether or not he'll have to provide health insurance for you and the kids, how much in retirement assets would need to be split, and how much in debt and assets will be split. Good attorneys will tell him that filing anything other than a joint petition is a waste of time and money.

You'll need to get a job, you'll need to figure out childcare, you'll need to figure out where you're going to live (can you keep the house or not, etc.) and you'll move on. I have friends who were the ones who ended the marriage and moved out, I have a friend who was blindsided and was a SAHM and part of her agreement is that her ex pays enough in support that it covers the mortgage until her kid is out of high school in a few years. My husband was the one who ended ours by moving out, our house is being sold next week and I just moved into a rental home. We haven't filed anything yet because the house transaction complicated things but we will do that soon, he'll be ordered to pay me child support, he'll have to get his own health insurance, I have to give him half of my retirement, we each kept our respective cars, have no debt or other assets, and that will be that.

As someone who also contemplated this for years and really tried to make it work, I can tell you that you are already damaging your kids - no matter how good a front you put up, they know more than you think. They will be better off after you split, and you will all be happier and healthier, I can promise you that. You will ruin their world by staying together in this miserable marriage. Time to go your separate ways.

Stop making him look good in front of the kids. He is abusive and he is hurting you and the kids. The kids know he is a monster and that you fight, you can't hide it from them.
Ask yourself this question: Do you want this kind of marriage for your children? Your relationship is the roadmap your children will follow.
If the answer is no then take the kids and leave. Divorce his lazy, lying, abusive butt and get on with your life.

File for divorce and don't back down.
You're teaching your kids what is 'normal' - do you want them to model their adult relationships based on what they are growing up with in your home right now?
Go to Al-Anon and counseling on your own.
Make an escape plan - and follow through with it.

A therapist could help you uncover why you haven't made changes - because I did notice you wrote you were bored (not just with your marriage but a lot of things) three months ago. I saw Wild Woman's response. You sound like you might benefit from just having some support and learning how to help yourself.

You don't have to go with your husband.

I would start there. It might help you find the strength to make positive changes.

Lots of good advice below :)

Oh yes by all means PLEASE follow Angela's advice, everyone knows if your husband is a drunk (or a cheater or a gambler or abusive or whatever) you can just pray it away! You can do that for cancer as well, God solves all of our problems if we just pray hard enough.
sheesh.
For those of us not living in fairy land, we actually need to earn money, feed, clothe and house our precious kids and ourselves. If the spouse is no longer interested in those duties then he (or she) needs to go. You do not need his permission. Start proceedings now and do not let him drag you and your children into poverty and homelessness, even if some "good" Christian woman advises you that would be preferable to being divorced.

You do not need him to agree to the divorce, get a lawyer and get the process started, if he refuses to sign you can get a judge to still declare you divorced but it will take more time. But if he knows you are serious about doing it with or without his signature he may back down and just sign the papers.

As a reminder per Mamapedia Guidelines:

While I understand that this is not strictly a legal question, some of the responses offered have touched upon the legal aspects of this issue and so just as a polite reminder legal questions may be asked, HOWEVER, please just remember that the first and best source for the answers to all such questions will alway be an appropriate certified professional. Please always consult such a professional in these matters first and foremost. Simply put, Mamapedia does not offer legal advice to our members. Any legal advice you receive on the site is taken at your own risk.

-Moderator

What are the conditions for divorce in your state? If it's no-fault, he doesn't have to agree to a divorce in order for you to divorce him. When I kicked my alcoholic ex out, he told me "I won't agree to a divorce." I informed him that we lived in a no-fault state, and that if I chose to divorce him, he would be divorced whether he wanted to or not.

Your husband doesn't want a divorce because you and the kids provide him with the façade that he has his life together. Sadly, he has made it pretty clear that he doesn't actually want or value you. Time to move on. I know that sounds flippant; I really don't mean it to be but it seems like you've done all you can - taking care of everything, trying counseling, begging him to talk to you, etc. You knew what you were doing when you filed for divorce 4 years ago but you wanted to give it one more chance. Know that you have and it still didn't work. Don't let him suck you back in this time. You need to start basing your decisions 100% on what will be of the most benefit to you and your children. Figure out how/when/where you can move, try to get some money in the bank that he can't touch, try to figure out exactly what debts are owed/what assets are owned, find daycare/arrangements for your children, find a FT job (or see if you can go FT at your current job) and contact an attorney IMMEDIATELY.

Oh G. your marriage sounds so hard! It must be awful facing this decision! (((Hugs))) Here are my two cents no matter if you stay or go. Ask yourself some tough questions like: What do my kids need most on the homefront? What is my part in why my life is at this point? What can this relationship tell me about myself and my relationship tendencies? What can I learn moving forward? I wish you the best!

Get "The Power of A Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian.
Your children's futures will be affected by your final decision.

He sounds like my estranged husband, who is bipolar. Do you know if he suffers from that and if so, will he take medication? I could not tolerate a lifetime of that, but maybe you feel like you can if he takes medication and seeks treatment. I assume you love him or think the marriage can be saved if you decided to allow him to stay in the home and that divorce was no longer a good choice. My ex wanted me to stay because I did everything around the house (like you), I was the responsible one with money, paid for things he never even went 50/50 on with me, and I was his friend he could talk to or have on the couch to watch TV. I assume this is probably what your husband feels, that you're the responsible one who saves his butt, while he's the careless one when it comes to running the household, and having a free maid on top of it doesn't hurt. If your husband loves the kids and is a good father, even if you separate, and eventually divorce, he should still be there for them. You can also seek family counseling for you and the kids, if you think his absence will affect them too much and they won't understand why you're splitting up.

You need a tax attorney to help you keep from having to pay the tax back taxes. There is something that allows a spouse like you to get stuck paying the taxes that have been caused by someone like your husband. You REALLY need to get this figured out before divorcing. The last thing you want is to be stuck with all these back taxes because you didn't research this and talk to a tax attorney who could go to the IRS on your behalf. He has a business and makes plenty of money (certainly enough to buy a new car) and you don't need to be working yourself to the bone after you are separated or divorced to have to pay off the taxes he has not paid.

I agree with the women who tell you that you need to stop trying to protect this man in front of his children. You need to get out of the dysfunctional marriage. You really do.

I like Wild Woman's response. You are all over the map. You need to make a decision and stick to it. I would seek counseling for myself. Talk to a divorce lawyer. Find out what you're entitled to as well as to what he is entitled to. Knowledge is power.

You NEED to get a full time job. Regardless of if you stay or go. You need your own income. I'm concerned that he seems to be paying a lot of things through the business. Be careful with that.

YOU need to decide what you want to do.

He is using you to be his servant. Since you're not sleeping together it's not a servant with benefits but still, that's all you are to him. SO of course he doesn't want you to move out. He'd have to take care of himself.

Please go back to counseling. It's not to fix him, he isn't going to change. Counseling is to help YOU learn more about yourself and your strengths and to empower you.

So please, make an appointment and go. As much as they'll let you come. So you can gain the strength you need to just let it go.

If he doesn't like how his child's closet is arranged tell him to talk to his child. Then walk away and let him deal with it or he can just get over it.

If he says you need to get a job take him up on his word. Go to work. I would definitely get one with benefits but not take them unless you absolutely have a much better deal than he does as far as cost and what you get for your money.

If you are a stay at home mom you have less chance of getting custody of your kids. Judges are more likely to give primary custody to a working parent. This shows that you can support your children. Find a job where you can make enough to pay rent and utilities. This way if you do decide to move out you can have enough money to live on.

Put as much as possible into savings and do not let him know about it. Use a different bank account if possible, maybe in another bank. Becoming more independent will only help you to see what is going on.