I Seem to Do More for Our Son than My Husband Does and I Find Myself Resentful.

I think all Moms can relate to this.
Men's brains are wired different...and for some men, they just don't have the "instinctual" awareness of HOW to Parent.
Others, don't know what to do, unless told. Others don't have nurturing.

What I and some of my friends do, is we have a "Daddy Do-List." What this is, is a list on paper, placed where your Hubby can see it, in a central place. On this list... list things that HE needs to do....or take care of, daily chores, and tasks etc.

THIS is therefore a literal, and tangible thing, which a man can "SEE" with his eyes... and then accomplish. Some men need to have it written down...and if not, they don't even "think" about it.

As my Husband says "I can't read your mind, unless you say something or write it down..." So, this "helps" my Hubby to be SPECIFICALLY "reminded" about what he needs to do. Then, he does it. It's not that he doesn't want to help..it's just that they don't know what to do sometimes...or in my Hubby's case.. he just has so much on his mind with school and work, that I need to remind him.

Some Men just assume that since the wife is doing it all....then they don't need help, or that they don't have to do it.

I would recommend that you sit down with him... diplomatically explain the HE is a Parent too and you work too, and you are tired too...so to be constructive about it... you BOTH have to pitch in. NO ONE is exempt. Give him the benefit of the doubt...before you intone that you are "blaming" him. Stress that this is a "team" effort...that's what a family is....

Some men literally go blank at the vastness of what it takes to be a Parent...and don't even know what to do on their own. So, maybe a "Daddy Do-list" can help point him in the right direction.... men like "goals" and knowing how to "fix" things... so maybe this list will be more approachable for him to attempt.

But, you also need to talk with him so you are not frustrated and stressed. Tell your Husband he NEEDS to meet you half way...and if he can't...then how is that being a "man" and a Husband and a Dad? TELL him also, that you need a break sometimes and he will need to babysit...that you, like any human...especially the Mom/Wife... NEEDS a respite, otherwise you will not be able to take care of your child, much less him. Tell him, that a Husband needs to take care of his wife too... and helping in the household is just that... and taking care of HIS child too. It's only fair. Tell him, that if he cannot help with the household and child...then HE can hire extra help for you to clean the house... this would be the compromise. I'm sure this would make him more willing to help... if he is very against helping you. But approach him in a friendly manner first... but that you are serious about this and you are not happy...so what can "WE" do to improve the situation...what solution can he come up with?

Many times, as I"ve learned...a Hubby/man may listen to us expressing our feelings/complaints...but they need to hear a "solution" to it all too, then they can zoom in on that and then understand. We can't just expect them to solve it for us... perhaps, come up with 2 things that he can improve on or help you with in relation to your issues with him. Give him a solution too.

All the best,
Susan

Sounds like you and your husband are normal humans. Men and women are so very different in how we approach situations. Women are nuturers and men aren't. Once you understand this, you'll see that he is putting in effort the only way he knows how. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or your son, and it doesn't mean he is going to let harm come to him. Men don't interact well with kids until the kids are old enough and able to interact back. Find your husbands strengths in all this and focus on that. Don't knock him down because he doesn't do things your way. My husband isn't a cook and isn't the type to get on the floor and play with our DD. But he has been great at teaching her to read and learn. I have resented him for not being more resourceful in the kitchen and get upset when he doesn't interact with her physically like kicking the ball outside. But that's not what he does. I'm greatful that we are different and we each bring our own different strengths to help our DD develop into a smart, funny person.
Take a deep breath and the best of luck to you.
M.

Hi L., in most families, the wife does more for the kids than the father, most men have to be taught, some men don't have the natural paternal instints that women have. Ask your husband if you guys can talk and then lovely let him know what your needs are, if he doesn't respond the way you hope for ask him how he would feel if you quit your job and was a SAHM, becasue with our help you are running yourself into the ground, don't raise your voice, don't point fingers, remember you will catch more bee;s with honey than vinager, he may just be an aware of what all your job discripton as a working mom and wife intitles. J.

I laughed when I read your post, because I was complaining to my mother about the same thing with my husband yesterday! So yes, there are lots of us going through the exact same thing. I haven't figured out a solution, I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

With my husband it's selfishness and laziness. He knows I'm not going to let my daughter go without being fed and getting a bath, so if he waits long enough, I'll do it. He also made a comment to me this weekend that she's approaching the age when she can go play by herself (!!! 10 months old!!!) if the house is sufficiently baby-proofed. He just doesn't want to be bothered with taking care of her. I have to go out of town for work next week, and thank goodness my mother-in-law lives with us and ADORES my daughter.

I think Susan is right on track and considerate of her husband as well as her own needs. I too have a husband who doesn't always see the need to take part because I am handling everything seemingly well while he enjoys his life. I make lists and schedules and he sticks to them for the most part. He's only human afterall. In my situation I think my husband is a little more self-centered than most but if I approach him in a good way he is more apt to pitch in than if I stress out on him. Men are very logic and money driven so pushing to pay for help ususally kicks them into gear. At this point, we can afford to have someone come in and clean once a week but if we couldn't my husband would be scrubbing toilets, tubs and showers to ensure that I was happy enough to meet his needs. Best wishes to you.

you should see this show on 'the learning channel' 52 John and Kate plus 8. It's realy about communication, planning and organization. There is a lot of work to be done with a baby and its hard. You are tired and irritated that you have to ask him to do the same exact thing again and again. You would think at some point he would just know to do it? Not likely. Just be grateful that he does anything at all. Most (many, many) husbands don't do a single thing to help at home or with the kids (unless it involves an engine or motor.) A lot of men still have this crazy notion that everything is 'women's work.' You are truly blessed to have some help.