I Feel like a Horrible Mother - Hereford,TX

http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2011/10/teenage-brains/...

The National Geographic Magazine, had a great article on Teenagers and their development.
Please read this. That is the link for the article above.
I have this magazine issue.
I am keeping it, for when my daughter is that age.

Bad Mom's don't care about their kids.

She sounds like she might be holding onto some anger and that's why y'all bother her. See what you can do to gently force time together/foster the relationship/find out if there's something that you need to apologize for.

That being said, if she has something to hide then she shouldn't have the privilege of the phone. Actually, she really shouldn't have any sort of privilege that would allow or enable her to do things that would harm her or disobey her parents.

I'm going to put this out there as something you might also consider:

I have a 14 yr old son. The next time I am alone with him (in the car, most likely) I think I might mention to him about your post--"you know? That website you and your Dad are always teasing me about? Mamasite? " (that's what they refer to it as, lol) "I was on it this morning, and there was this mom asking about her teenager getting pressured by some people at school to do drugs. She was really struggling with how to talk to her kid about it. Do you ever feel that kind of pressure? What sort of advice do you think would help her? ..... "

And see what he says...

Just a thought.

My 14/15-ish daughter put me through hell.
There were times I was certain someone body snatched her because she just flipped on a dime. She was disrespectful to me, mean to her little brother. She didn't have a cell phone. I surprised her with one and she said she didn't want it because it wasn't the exact same kind her friends had.
I returned it, got my money back. and she didn't get a cell phone until after she moved out and could pay for one herself.

Anyway, as a single mom, she was pretty hard on me. She didn't want to talk about school, she didn't want to talk about her friends. She threw an absolute fit when it was her turn to load or unload the dishwasher let alone keep her own bathroom clean. She saw me as an ogre and a tyrant. I worked full time and supported two kids by myself and she just felt I never did enough for her. She would call me at work (I worked across the street from the school) and she would say she'd be there in 5 minutes to get money she needed for a science project. She knew I never carried cash and she knew that I went to lunch at 1:30pm. She'd say, "If you can't give me the money NOW, just forget it! Because of YOU, I'm going to get an F on my project". I talked to her teacher and that project had been assigned 3 weeks earlier. That was the first I'd heard of it. Basically, the day it was due.

I didn't run to her rescue. I couldn't ask for time off to get her all she needed when she'd known all along and never said anything.
I had to do the tough love thing with her. Totally. There was a silver lining.
Her little brother knew better than to follow in her footsteps because he knew what he'd have coming. My son has been the easiest kid to raise. He's never been in trouble, he's on track to graduate early, he's already served several years in law enforcement junior academies. He's the straightest and best kid you could ever meet.

My daughter is now 26 and has a child of her own. She doesn't smoke or drink, she's very into organic and has a great work ethic. She's a wonderful mother. She has apologized to me so many times for the way she acted when she was younger. Looking back, she's ashamed of her behavior.

There is hope for her. Sometimes teenagers get peeved when you question them about their friends or what's going on at school. She may want to be left alone, and sometimes that's fine, but you two still have to have some communication.

I wouldn't tell her that you snooped. She will feel like you invaded her privacy (which you have every right to do when she's only 14). She will take hold of that issue and hang on to it as opposed to talking with you.
Take her to get a hot fudge sundae, just the two of you. Don't grill her for answers, just let her know that you feel you're drifting apart and as a mom, you don't know how to communicate with her anymore. LISTEN to what she says. You understand she's growing up, you understand she's going through changes, you just don't want to be shut out. You're her mother, you love her, you don't know how to take the distance she's putting between you and the rest of the family.
See what she says.

My daughter was mean as a hornet, but she's not anymore. She's very sweet, she asks my advice, she thinks I'm a human encyclopedia (which I kinda am). She has grown up and appreciates NOW all the things I did to raise her even when, at the time, she thought I was being harsh or unfair.

You can get this turned around. Try listening more than talking at first.
If she tells you she's being pressured to do drugs, don't freak out.
My son is involved in law enforcement. He knows lots of kids who drink or smoke pot. Or worse. He goes to school with kids who've been busted.
Just because he knows them it doesn't mean he does any of that.
He's on track for a career in law enforcement and he doesn't partake or do anything that could get him in trouble.

You're not a bad mother.
This is a phase.
See if there are mentor programs through her school.
See if there are law enforcement programs in your local area.
You'd be surprised how many girls are involved in the law enforcement programs. They get to go on ride alongs, they get to go on DUI checkpoints, they get to be there when people are arrested for theft at stores.
Get her involved in something positive even if it's volunteering at local nursing homes or the hospitals.

I think if you can get her involved in focusing on others, it might be really good for her. See if her school has an ROP program. Regional Occupational Program. They learn job skills and can actually get credit for working while going to school.

I would try getting her focused in a different direction. She may feel better about herself, consider the friends she's hanging out with, and get on a good path for herself.

My daughter turned around but it wasn't easy getting her there.

She now works and dedicates herself to being a caregiver for people who are mentally ill, bipolar, etc. She has a big and loving heart....she just had to find it.

Best wishes to you!

you are far from a bad mom....but have you told her that you are proud of her and her grades and how she behaves. sometimes the good will push the bad away.

my 15 yo daughter rarely talks to me in that scenerio. She usually has the same reply. Get her away to talk - car ride, shopping, get a smoothie, etc.
Ask her if any of her friends use drugs? Be honest about any peer pressure you went through or situations with her older sister.
Does she like to play cards or board games? It's a great way to get them off their phones and out of their rooms. I agree not to tell her you went through her phone b/c it would just make her be more sneaky.
I just had a convo with my daughter about her "ex" boyfriend. She said her dad was really pissed about her "going out" with him and we talked about why I allowed it - b/c she is a really good kid but if I would've forbidden it she just wouldn't have told me and she agreed.
Try to engage her in other parts - dating, drinking, smoking, sex and drugs. She may open up about one part of peer pressure that will lead into others.

You're not a horrible mom! You sound like a really good mom. Blindly trusting our children is irresponsible. If we were done parenting when they become teenagers, they would all move out at 13.

First, my hat is off to you. Being a single parent is a huge challenge.

Second, know that what she is doing is totally age appropriate behavior. She is distancing herself from her same-sex parent to establish her own identity.

My best suggestion is when you want to talk to her, find something to do together that you both enjoy- baking cookies, shooting hoops, anything that doesn't require you to sit face to face. The face to face talk is intimidating. Ask lots of open ended questions and withhold judgement and comments. Just keep asking more questions.

Let her know you are concerned but that you trust her to make good decisions. Ask her who she would go to if she had a problem that she couldn't discuss with you (Try to guide her towards an adult and not one of her friends). If appropriate, I would also encourage her to develop a relationship with her father.

Most importantly, tell her you love her and you are always there for her no matter what.

You are concerned about your daughter.

You are reaching out for advice and support.

You are looking for ways to help your daughter.

How can any of that equal being a horrible mother. You are doing exactly what a mother should be doing.

She is showing some positive sign in that she is doing well in school and respecting the house rules/chores. Kids are going to be apathetic at times regarding hanging out with parents and siblings.

Do you have meal time together?? Make it a fun time. Cook together. Meal plan together and have her pick a night when you all eat what she wants to eat..and the other siblings do the same. Studies have proven the importance of family meal time...sounds crazy but the statistics don't lie. It is not about the food...it is about the regular time together as a family..talking..laughing.

We have a jar on our table full of random questions and crazy facts. I found the questions on the internet. We each pick a slip of paper and answer it or talk about it. We laugh and learn about each other. It takes the attention away from "Suzy is looking at me mom...Suzy is chewing with her mouth open..that is so gross..you are so gross!"

Prayer time together is something else that has brought our family together. Just today I led the prayer before kids went off to school. During the prayer..my 13 year old son inched his way over to me to put his head on my shoulder. After the prayer he hugged me and said, "Thanks mom for praying that my application for the Japanese Exchange Program will be considered and they will recognize my leadership qualities."

It was a touching moment..and all it took was a quiet 1.5 minute prayer to thank God for our blessings and thank Him for our children and ask His guidance throughout the day that the kids will make good choices and remember what they studied so they will do well on tests. We pray together morning and night. We all trade off who says the family prayer. It is a beautiful thing to see siblings leading the prayer and praying for siblings. It is a prayer from the heart..we do not say rehearsed,memorized prayers.

Spend alone time with each of your children enjoying each other. Find what she likes to do and do it with her. Seriously...does she like to bowl? Go bowling. Does she like car races?...go to a race. Does she like underwater basket weaving?....get a swimsuit on and go weave a basket together. (j/k) But you catch my drift.

Don't just make it time to get an ice cream so you can pull info out of her. Make her feel loved..make her feel like you understand the tough age she is at and that you understand she only has you in her life...and no dad. That is hard. Even if he is the crappiest dad on earth..she still yearns for a relationship with him. I was 14 once with a dad that walked out on my family when I was around that same age. It was tough..it was lonely even though I had a house full of people around me.

Try to get to know her friends. Invite them over for a movie and hanging out...games and hanging out. Make a bunch of cheap food and let them be at your house while you hang out within hearing distance but not a fixture in the middle of the activity.

As for cell phones. None of our kids have cell phones. We haven't hit that dilemma yet. But we do know when the time comes then our kids will have to sign a contract about our cell phone rules. There will be a docking station for all phones at night and we will have the authority to look at the history. If messages are deleted...the phone goes away. Our kids will also help pay for the usage.

You are not at all a horrible mother. Shake offthe feelings of failure and enjoy some time with your daughter.

Good luck and best wishes M....you are doing great!

Sounds like you got the answers you needed but I just want to reiterate that you're not a bad mother, and her behavior is sadly typical. 14 year old girls are often real brats.

No need to let her know you checked her phone, but as Shane said take her out for a sundae or something enjoyable and have a drug talk with her while you're doing something else.

Good luck, she'll grow out of it.

You can not be the bad mom, I am. I have the 4 year old who will not listen, is mean to his sister. etc..

I was just talking to an old boss of mine.. kids are 15 &13. His wife HATEs that the kids open up to him. He does not do it intentonally .. he just sits there (outside )and waits.(quietly). eventually they get to chatting and he knows it all.

So, talk to her about a situation at work where a co workers kids are looking into drugs..etc.(fake is fine). once you get her talking ask her advise as to what that mom should say to help her kids.. With that chat, you have opened the door and you can get a great feel about what she is thinkng about with regards to the drugs.. it is like going in the back door slowly, not the front door guns a blaze.

You can also in still new dinner conversation. Each person has to go around and state one problem they have that they are facing, and one postivie thing about each person at the table. That way you all are working on each others problems.. Maybe your 18 year old can state something about what is going one for her...and your 14 year old can give insight? If anything this is a good way to say postivie things about everyone and everyone can feel like part of a solution for somone elses issues.

Good luck

C., you DO need to keep an eye on her phone messages. Talk to the phone people and ask if you can get a copy of her messages through them. I would also go talk to the guidance counselor at school and let her know what is going on. If you can determine who has sent her these messages, the school needs to know it. Your daughter will never know that she is the reason the kid with drugs was found out, and she will see someone get in trouble for doing drugs. THAT is a huge deterrent.

The guidance counselor knows how to deal with your daughter. Use her, C.. That's what she's there for.

You are not a bad mom! You are a mom of a 14 yr old and they would have you think you are a bad mom! Get over that one first and then you can focus on this.

Yep, you need a side by side project or to drive somewhere with her. Make sure it takes about an hour. If you have a co worker or a friend or relative with children about her age, tell her that you have heard kids about that age have a lot of peer pressure about drugs. Tell her several ways of dealing with it. Tell her she is smart and has seen the consequences of drug use, such as, addiction, someone who has dropped out of school or had to forgo college or hurt their family and you are sure she is not going to do that. Your confidence in her is important at this point. Tell her of her good attributes and the things she does well and how you hope that's going to pay off in her future. Ask her about her friends and their hopes.

Even if you can't open the dialog directly about her, you can steer the conversation in a way to give advice and get her to think about consequences and your morals and expectations. Praise her for her rejection of pressure so far and acknowledge her lack of family stability and any parenting mistakes made. Talk about the hormones and low self esteem that just comes with this age. Tell her, more than anything, you want her to be happy and successful and are willing to communicate and be thoughtful about your decisions together. Remind her of defending her in the past. Talk about qualities she had when she was little (stuborness/independance) and how you know that will give her advantages when pressured.

It's just all the things in your mother's heart. Pray. Ask God to help you.
Go, be a parent with courage to parent!

The State of CA has publications about how to talk to your kids about drugs. I'm not really sure what you should say; she's probably heard it all before.

And you haven't failed her. How can outside pressure be caused by your failure as a mother? No way. You must have done a good job because she has not given in to the pressure.

If your 18 year old is willing, maybe she can take her out for ice cream or something and start talking about how people are pressuring HER (even if they're not) just to open up a discussion. Maybe if she thinks her sister is going through the same thing, she might open up to her.

Good luck. You're a great mom!

When I was that age, my mom use to let me blame her for why I could not do things and she would cover for me (e.g. if I knew I should not go somewhere, I would say mom my told me I had to be home by a certain time). Now that kids have cell phones, make a code, that way you can text her to come home now. Who cares what the friends think of you.
When I would do this, it was a no questions asked so I felt comfortable doing it. Heck, one time I went on a church retreat and said my parents made me go but, the truth was, I wanted to go. I just did not want to get made fun of for the rest of my school life. Kids are cruel!!!!
Also, try and plan something special to do and let her pick it. If you can build the excitement she might be willing to open up.

who pays the cell bill? if you, it's all yours honey. there are no secrets allowed as long as she lives under your roof. as for attitude or you all annoy me? find her plenty of chores not to have the time to stay in her room.

I just want to add that you may start the conversation explaining how you feel, that you understand her need for space and distance but that you miss her. Remind her that you are there for her and ask her if she has any ideas on how the two of you can get closer. She may surprise you.
Good luck good mamma.

oh..... so feel your pain! my DD is now 15 years old but we did go through this too. such a hard age for teenagers! she did the exact same thing with me. she wasnt being pressured into anything just told me the same things.. i was annoying, i want to be alone, moms know nothing... etc... the typical teenage responses. i did the same as you. i snooped through her phone to make sure everything was ok. i didnt find anything alarming, i did however snoop in her room and found a notebook that she had been writing a daily journal in. she was being so hard on herself. saying she was the selfish teenager that stole all the food in the house, she felt unloved, mom loves the little kids more than me (she has two younger siblings 5 & 3). so i had to say something. step dad and i sat down with her and i told her that i was snooping in her room and she naturally got mad and said HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?? THOSE ARE MY THINGS! typical teenage girl drama. i explained that i was worried about her because she started to become so withdrawn and i am sorry i was snooping but i love her and i care about her.... etc....
after we had this really intense deep talk things slowly started to get better with us. i still gave her space but always made it a point to give her hugs more often during the day, her and i have a movie night where we rent a movie on demand and i let her chose (even tho i dont want to watch it). i tell her how proud of her i am and how beautiful she is. we still have our moments but it was nothing like before. even though they are getting older, they still need us.... good luck!

First off, a 14-year-old's job is to be annoyed by you. There is absolutely a way where that is both typical and part of the process. She's doing well in school, she does her chores, those are good things and definitely mean you are doing something right. So, you're NOT a horrible mother.

But of course there are probably things you can do better or differently. You should never avoid a conversation because of making her angry. At 14, she doesn't get total privacy where the phone is concerned -- you should always have the latitude to check her texts and she should know that. And a locked phone gets TAKEN AWAY. She does not get to lock the phone and keep it, no way.

That said, there is a way to approach her, which is from a place of concern and "is there anything I can do to help you navigate this stuff?" This is a time when she is starting to face more independent decisions, she is being pressured from friends and she has to handle that alone. You have been teaching her and guiding her towards this place for years, don't stop now. Now your stance has to amp up a little, and take on the role of Consultant. She needs to feel like she can talk to you about it, that you will offer good guidance that doesn't condemn. It's possible that she's hateful and withdrawn because she IS struggling with it all. The question is not "are you doing drugs?!?!" But rather, "it looks like you are getting pressured to do it, I can imagine that might be hard. How does it feel? Would you like to talk it through?" You can be a source of comfort and support. Reach for it.

I also think that it's absolutely OK to put your foot down about how she acts around the house. I have a moody, snappish 10 yo son who needs to be reminded that you don't have to be in a good mood, you don't have to feel happy about every little thing, but you HAVE to treat everyone around you with respect. You may be annoyed by someone, that's fine that's how you feel, but you don't get to respond with snottiness and rudeness, you know? Focus on her behavior, not how she feels, and she may come around faster.

how is peer pressure related to your parenting?

No matter if you were the perfect mother, peer pressure is still out there.

You're doing fine, but you can't control what other people text. :)

She may need more space than other people. If she is an introvert, try meeting her one on one where she is/what she likes to do. "Hey, DD, do you want to go to a bookstore this weekend, just you and me?" And if she doesn't, it may be nothing more than needing to recharge alone. I'm like that and it took DH a long time to realize that I wasn't mad at him, just needed space.

If you are concerned about her, you can simply say, "I am worried about you. Is there anything you need to talk about?" Maybe pull that out when you are alone in the car so she can stare out the window if she wants to.

Remember that pressure is not the same as behavior. My SD's friends got kicked off campus for drinking underage but SHE has kept a good head on her shoulders.

And remind her that you think she is a good kid, you're glad she's doing well in school, you're proud of her, etc. Kids need to hear that, too.

You're not a bad mom at all!!!! I've heard professionals tell parents all the time if it takes snooping to find out what's going on with your children, then by all means, do it!!!

I feel your pain - my daughter is 15 and won't talk to me all the time either. I'm encouraging her to start writing in her diary again so I can find out what, if anything, is going on!!!

If I were you, just be talking to her about other stuff and casually slip the subject of drugs into the conversation. She never has to know you looked at her phone!! I would certainly never tell her!!! It may take several conversations to get anything out of her but keep at it!! Or is there another trusted adult she would open up to? An aunt, a friend's mother??

Just think of it this way: would you rather not have snooped and then, God forbid, something happen to her? My sister was like that - wouldn't talk to her daughters about sex; she figured if you don't talk about something, it's not going to happen! Yeah, I have FIVE great-nieces and nephews now!!!

Good luck and God Bless!!!

You are her mother. She is 14. You are entitled to know what's going on. She left you no alternative but to check out her phone. She will be ticked off, but had she been honest you would have not felt the need to check. You need to have a real long talk with her ASAP. Honesty is just so much easier for everyone. Hope you can make her understand. Not an say conversation. There will be lots of drama and tears. Sorry you have to go thru this. This stage wlll pass but not soon enough for you, right!

You're not a bad mom! No mom can prevent peer pressure! I think you need to spend more time with her--I know easier said than done. Tell her how you feel about your relationship (you want her to be more open, etc). Good Luck!

My son, who is almost 18, began experimenting with drugs at about 14. I also found info by snooping on his phone. I found out that almost everyone he knew was also experimenting, even the kids that I thought were good kids. The sad thing is, we only suspect the kids that are having difficulties. I would not let her know that you are snooping, not only because of her deleting texts, but she will focus on what you have done rather than what she has done. The most important thing I have learned is that you MUST stay calm. If you lose your cool and yell and scream, then you will lose the battle.

Unfortunately, if she is doing drugs it can be very difficult to control. Unless you are prepared to lock her in her room for the next 10 years, you can not keep her out of trouble. What you can do is continue to be supportive and give her as much positive attention as you can.

We have been through hell with my son in the past year. Things have improved, but much damage has been done. I wish I had better advice for you, but honestly I am still struggling with this problem and there doesn't seem to be an easy answer. I highly recommend this book for every parent of a teenager - "Yes, Your Teenager is Crazy" by Michael Bradley. I wish I had read it when my son was 13, because it has some very good advice and strategies on how to deal with a troubled teen.