I Need Some Advice! - Irving,TX

I usually agree with Mary B, but not completely this time... Your post struck a note with me and I think you're in big trouble.

I think you need a lawyer and a divorce. And I'm a huge advocate of staying married, but not in this case.

And you need counselling because you married someone that was clearly not meant for you from the start, someone that doesn't respect your family is a very big indicator that you are making a mistake. And changing your religion is usually a mistake too. Why you would do something like that only alot of counselling can help you discover.

You need to know that you are important and valuable and should be loved and you do not need his approval to justify your self esteem.

You are going to find it impossible to handle this situation, and the fact that you have a son, not a daughter is going to make it harder. He sounds like the type that would easily give up custody of a girl, but not a boy.

You are confused. I feel very bad for you. Stop the problems now and see a counselor AND a lawyer.

Here are two names...
Jane Byers, Lewisville, Counsellor ###-###-####

Loveless & Loveless, divorce attorneys ###-###-####

If you can and they will let you, I would move back home with your parents, if they're in the same state. You can't leave the state with your son. It would count against you.

Please do something now, I'll pray for you for strength and comfort and clarity.

I hope this doesn't come off too ruff...but I honestly feel it is in yours and your son's best interest to leave this man. Your son is still young and has a chance to avoid what appears from an outsiders perspective to be a cycle. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Divorce is not easy. I've been there. However, if it is what is healthiest for you and your son and for that manner your husband then I think divorce is something to consider. I went through a rough and harsh marriage and my son was young at the time I left. I'm so glad that I have done this now. Did I want a divorce? No. I wanted to be happily married and have the perfect family. It didn't work out that way for me. I guess you could say I have a perfect family but it is my son and me in a healthy environment. I prefer that vs. what I had. Good luck in whatever decision you make. It has to be yours. I just offer my thoughts and experience.

You need to get out of this asap. Not only is he a badly behaved spoiled little boy but he is also, I would guess, from a different culture. I have seen this happen so much. A word of advice for next time - you never ever let someone be rude to your family & you never changed that 'thing' that makes you who you are.

Lastly, expect a fight over your child once his Mother gets involved. Document his behaviour & time spent with his child, his moods.... everything get journally. And then make it daily because you are going to need it in court. Also, keep an eye on your son's passport. I'm sorry but I have seen this alot. I hope you don't have any of this to contend with.

And you don't love him - you're just scared, afraid, trying to do the right thing for everyone... Go and spend some time - weeks - with your family & they will remind you who you are and give you strength.

Good morning,
I read your request and prayed for you. I do not want to even pretend to understand your situation but I do know that God is a great Counselor and He will direct your paths. I find great encouragement in this verse Proverbs 11:14 "Where there is no guidance the people fail, but in abundance of counselors there is victory." I want to encourage you to surround yourself with people who are honest and will help you fight to fix your marriage and love your child well. You're right, your marriage does not need to remain the same, but I do believe that God can heal and make amends. There is this class my church offers called Re-Engage. It's designed for couples like you that are having hard times. It's ongoing every Wednesday night and there is free childcare. Check out this link... http://www.watermark.org/newsevents/

A very long time ago I was faced with a similar situation. The answer is never simple or easy. I decided to take my son and leave. I wanted my son to have a better male role model and to experience marriage as the beautiful commitment it can be when two adults communicate, trust and grow together. If I was unable to find that then at least he would experience a strong loving and stable mother. I did remarry and my son is a husband and parent to be proud of. Take care of yourself and your son. Blessings to you both.

Honey....what exactly about him is it that you love? Being ignored? Not trusted? Where is your self esteem? Why don't you think you're worth being loved and cherished? This is NOT the way God intended marriage to be. And most importantly.....is he the example you want your son to grow up with? That is exactly the way your beautiful baby boy will think a man is supposed to act. Mean, hurtful, passive aggressively not talking, not helping around the house.....NO WAY. Get out, go live with your family, GET COUNSELING, and get on with your life!!! Even if he begs and pleads with you to stay, get out. I would say your only hope of salvaging your marriage is to get counseling together, and for him to agree his mother never stays with you again. You tell him those are your terms, no ifs, ands or butts. You are worthy of a loving household, affection, and all of the beautiful things a Godly marriage provides. Bless you, I will say a prayer for you. Have strength....you don't want your son to grow up thinking this is ok, and then treating another woman the way you're being treated. LOVE YOURSELF AND YOUR SON ENOUGH TO GET OUT!
Good luck, send me a personal message if you need more of a pep talk.

First off I'm sorry you feel so torn. I am not a beleiver in divorce. However, I am also not a beleiver in staying in a relationship that is unhealthy for you and your child. Its no secret that children learn by example. Your situation is not only unhealthy for you but also for your child. He doesn't seem to care about your needs and feelings. Relationships are two sided. You give and take and he should do the same. Sometimes relationships might be 70% mostly you and 30% him but it should also flip flop when necessary. The point is that both of you should be willing to work at it for the sake of your relationship AND your child. If he is not willing to help out to better the environment than I would say there is no other reasons left for you to stay. Do what best for you but most of all do what's best for your child. I don't know whether you have a daughter or a son. I do know that no "normal" parent would want their son to treat a woman like that nor would they want their daughter to stay in a relationship where she is abused (emotionally and mentally). I think you know what you should do...follow your heart. No one can tell you exactly what the right thing for you to do is. Only you know your situation best. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. Take care and know that there are men out there who will respect you and care when you cry. Take care and God bless.

sounds like this guy is a complete jerk and you need to get away from him. if you don't have the courage for yourself do it for your son. do you really want your son treating his wife like that. what he sees now will stay with him and he will think that is how he's supposed to act. i don't agree with divorce all the time but in this case i say its time to break free. no more trying to patch it up. my aunt spent 20 yrs in a marriage hopping her husband would change. he never did and now she's married to a great guy. it happens too often and you deserve someone to treat you like the princess you are. marriage is a give and take, not give and nothing in return. if he really loved you, you would come first, not his family or mother!!! good luck and God Bless.

Think about those four months when you made it without him. If you did it then, you can do it now. Your baby is your concern, unless you want him to grow up like his father. People make mistakes and then they have to suffer the consequences and make the best of the pieces that are left. Forgive yourself for doing that, weigh your options, pick the one that makes the most sense, and move on.

You seemed to have handled everything when he left you before, you can do it again and you and your child will be much happier.
If your parents will help and support your leaving him, you should talk to them immediately. If you parents can't help you then contact some local agenties for help. You and your child need to do what is best for yourselves. Do Not stay in an abusive relationship.

Hello. I am a volunteer at a program that can help you find some answers to your many questions. It is not a marriage program or counseling. It is called SOS at Zac's Ridge and they specialize in helping people figure out what to do with their future. They will help you see the choices you've made in the past and how it has affected you and everyone around you and now - what to do about it. It is a very good intense program that will make it very clear to you what you need to do from here. They do not tell you what to do, they help you figure out your true needs, wants, and dreams. I know it sounds corny, but it's worked for hundreds and hundreds of people. Please see www.sosinc.org or call me at ###-###-####. My email is ____@____.com luck and please go to this class with me in January! Sincerely, B. P.

I don't believe in staying for the children and I don't like recommending divorce. But I can't help but think this man is from another culture. With that being a life style breed into him and his ancestors that I am not sure you can change it. He is your sons role model whether he is involved much or not. And I would hate for your son to grow up thinking this is normal for him to view the world and women this way. As I do not feel you are being respected in any way either. My husband would have a hard time not speaking to me even if he was upset about something. Please go to your family for help. My cousin was sooo embarrassed to leave her ex because her family thought he was such a jerk and how could she stay with him (different cultures, too). She had to swallow her pride and admit it was a mistake. But our family was not hard on her like she thought they would be. It was not an 'I told you so' situation. She has since met an awesome man and they now have kids and she is so happy. I wish that happiness for you. I don't see seperating under the same roof is giving your aching heart a breather. I think this is a bad habit and not true love. I don't think you can really love someone who has treated you this way for so long. You guys are in my prayers. Best of luck to you and your son.

You have received some really good advice here and honestly, I have nothing to add on that point. Your post just really struck a chord with me. It hear and feel the pain emanating from your words and my heart really goes out to you. It is so hard to not be confused when you are right in the middle of something like that.

I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone....there are people (like us!) out there who care and who will be praying for you. I will be praying for the Lord to give you wisdom and courage as you make decisions. I'm sorry you are going through this.

S.

OMG..This is sooooo not fair. I hate to say it, but your husband tend to act spoil and somewhat like a single man. I would love to tell you to stay living under one roof for the sake of your child; but how healthy can that be if he sees you sad half of the time and the two of you arguing the other half. U can't make someone love you and be with you if they don't want to. I don't believe in divorce but i do believe in true happiness. I hope and pray that before the two of you decide on a divorce that you try everything (praying, counseling, mending broken hearts and relationship with in-laws, and etc.) prior to. Keep in mind, kids pick up on things (attitudes/tension) and after a while of the same type of behavior (arguing, depression) they tend to act out. I'll be praying for you and your family......S.

Oh my, if I were you, I'd go to your parents for help... you just need some positive support to know you CAN make it if youleave him for good. I'm sure they can help you with the baby, and let you stay with them til you get on your feet. He sounds like he needs to seek some counseling. You might want some too for postive feedback and support. I wish you the best. But do you want your son growing up in that kind of atmosphere? where his dad shows his mom no support, respect or even love... that does create later issues for him you know?

i say leave him. life is short. you deserve someone better.

I just want to say first off that I do not jump on the "get out of that marriage" bandwagon too easily. I have had a long hard marriage and I believe in fighting it out. But in your case, with the ever present mother in law with no good intentions (it seems anyway), I say you deserve better.

And I mean better in that, I would rather live alone in peace the rest of my life than in what you are describing. I am not saying that alone would be easy and not a struggle with working, bills, etc... but if you are already living that life and miserable because a man treats you this way... please treat yourself better than he does.

Good luck with whatever you decide. I know first hand how hard it is, but look at your daughter and if you decide that leaving is your decision you will find the courage within her future to do it.

being a divorced woman who is so much happier.......that is the route i would take

get an attorney and leave him asap! the divorce might be a long and drawn out process, but much needed!! this is NO WAY for any child to grow up!!! and it's definitely not healthy for you, either. just get out!! i have been divorced and re-married and am MUCH happier!!! it's not worth your time and energy to deal with this situation anymore.

Your life sounds like a bad movie. If you read your own post and pretend it is someone else, what would you do? I'd get out. I know it isn't easy but this guy sounds like he needs professional help. He does not sound mentally stable. Do you want him to treat your child this way? He probably will. It sounds like you have a loving kind family who will help you. Go to them and get away from this man. It is not your failure, you have tried and done everything you can. You have the courage, you are a mom, mom's can do anything!

Hi there,

I think you just want someone to listen, so you posted your story. I hope you feel better now. It's good to express what you feel inside. I also think you already have the answer in your mind about your future. There is no one best way, so it's up to you what to choose.
Only you who knows you really want. What is your religion? If you are Christian, you may go to church and prayer. You may get good answer to yourself after that. By the way, please take good care of your health. It is quite important as well.

warm regards,
P.

I am sorry to hear about your confusion and hurt. Know that it is NOT your fault for HIS actions and dedcisions. The hard part is this: you have to make the decision- not him, you. You see here arer a few things to look at:
1. He is tied to whatever religion he believes in. You can not change that. Know that his religion is not a loving one- b/c he is hurting others- it is very self-serving.
2. He is placing his needs before his wife and family needs. You can not change that, however you can change your reaction to it. He obviously feeds off of your pain and sadness.

What do you do? Get yourself together, mentally and financially- ask for your parents help and walk away. Your FIRST priority should be for your child. If it is meant to be, it will work out- but HE needs to change, you can not do that for him. (Think back, was he like this when you dated?). I assume his parents are not supporters of this marriage b/c their son married somone outside of the faith. ( I have a very good idea of what religion this is. ) I would keep a close eye on who has access to you sweet child. He is a precious gift. I can tell from your writing that your husband is from another country. Do NOT let you child leave this country- rules in other countries are very different than the US and your right as a mother may be ignored.

Good luck, I can only imagine what you may be going through.

Blessings.

It sounds as if your husband has some control issues and is the product of an overbearing mother. I don't want to make excuses for your husband's behavior but sometimes people are truly a product of their upbrining. He was probably taught to please his mother and since his mother is not your biggest fan he is torn between you and her.

If at all possible you should get counseling if that is not an option and you can't explain (gently) that his overbearing mother is causing problems in your relationship I don't see another option other than divorce. I would agree with some of the other responses that you are being verbally or mentally abused, but I think that is due to reactions from his mother and if he could work them out in counseling you might have a chance.

If he will not go down that route you need to do what is best for yourself and your child. ONLY you can make that decision not anyone who gives you advice here. I wish you luck and most of all strength to deal with your problems.

Hello!
I am so sorry for your situation! Do you go to church? Your pastor should talk to your husband. His parents do not need to live with you! This sounds like a very dysfunctional marriage!
What religion did you give up? What religion did you take up? This new religion does not seem to work.
Leaving you and going to another country does not sound like abandonment. I would definitely not want to take my child and go to another country with this man!
Let us know what happens!
Blessings on you!
Sincerely,
C. N.

Are you serious, I'm sorry about what you are going through , but life is to short to live like that. What are you teaching your three year old. There are lots of people that will love you. Look at the world around you its in a sad way, break the trend and be happy. good luck

As a child of parents that fight and hurt one another, please don't stay in a marriage because you think it will be best for the child!! It usually isn't! You fight in front of them and make them feel afraid and miserable! Your child deserves a happy healthy home! I think you should talk to someone who isn't involved, like a religious figure, professional, or even a doctor. You need to protect yourself and you child. You don't want your little one to grow up and be placed in the same situation you are. I am praying for you and your family.

Sounds like you two have some big cultural issues to work though. You need to go to counseling, to get through this. If you live near Arlington, I have a counselor I could recommend. Seperately from your individual counseling, I would ask him to go to counseling with you, to try to mend your difference. If he refuses to go, I would seperate from him...unfortunetly Texas does not have legal seperation. You would have to file for divorce to get everything sorted out (unless the two of you could agree on matters on your own.) I wouldn't make any decision to divorce until you have tried this. I certainly do not think you and your child should stay in the house with him, if he is unwilling or unable to treat you better. Has he hit you? Is he on drugs or alcohol? Has he cheated on you? If he has done any of these, I would say adios! I have a close friend that is a family law attorney, if you need a recommendation.

You don't need a divorce IMHO, you need counseling. It seems neither of you are very good at defining healthy boundaries with your birth families. Although, this is a great example of why folks shouldn't get married unless they've met the potential in-laws, as that is the best indicator of the sort of family relations that might be expected. You should not be doing what your family wants you to do, you are an adult - it's your life and it's entirely your decision. It's a totally moot point as to whether families have met your requirements for visiting and caring about your family. It certainly would be nice for everyone to be happy and loving. But, realistically, that only occurs in about 25% of families. Dysfunction (like this) is the norm (unfortunately).

And, as you note, you MUST do something now as it is far more damaging for your child to be exposed to this situation than it would be for you and your husband to divorce. So, please, seek counseling ASAP.

Would he go to counseling? If not, I would probably be done with the relationship as it is toxic and not healthy for ANY of you especially your child. He is growing up thinking that this is what relationships are all about. Also if you stay "together", but seperate he will also think this is a normal marital relationship which it's not! Did his parents live like that (married, but not together under the same roof??) Best of luck.

Leave NOW! Sounds like you two come from two separate cultures---two totally separate ideas about marriage--it is a partnership--he is selfish and self-centered--he wants you to stay to "do it all" while he has it "all his way"--do not be foolish! Go and do not look back--provide a happy, safe and peaceful environment for your child---that is the right thing to do! Do not talk to him afterwards--he will just pursuade you again---you are being used--and I do not advocate divorce--but a man who demands you change your faith, he is againast your family because they can be a support for you and he promotes his family because they support him---that is just contrived and wrong and NOT healthy--just go!

You and your child deserve to be happy and what you describe is not a healthy relationship. You are stronger than you think. It will be difficult road but you and your child will be better off if you build a new life. Best of luck and I'll pray for you and your family.

gET OUT. I am in a almost similar situation and i really want to get out! But i don't move! I am sure you wtant the best for your kid! And that isn't! You deserve better! Please move before is too late and your kid learns that is the way of having a family!! Noooooo!

God is with you! Just let Him get in!

Why are you letting your little boy grow up in that kind of environment? He will end up just like his dad. Leave now.

Dear M:

I feel so sad after reading your letter.

Your husband said that he cannot handle you walking out and coming back when that is what he has done.

I don't want to speak ill of him, as you obviously loved him at one time, however, he is abusing you mentally. It makes me so sad to hear how he has treated you for so long.

You are right. It isn't a good situation for your child to grow up in. Do you want your son to grow up to be just like his father?

It sounds like you have a very loving and supportive family. I'm sure they could use you being around (helping with your brother) as much as you could use them! Not to mention having the baby around can help everyone as they go through this difficult time with your brother.

YOU have to do what makes YOU happy. You aren't being selfish. You have to do what is best for yourself and your baby. I guess if your husband loves you enough, he'll be there for you should you decide to give him another chance, after being away for a while. You both need perspective. You need air.

Little ones know when Momma is sad and it stresses them out, too.

Good luck to you and your baby. I wish you all the best.

Walk, no, RUN out the door, and NEVER look back! Remember, kids learn by example...do you want your son thinking that is how to treat a wife or Mom?