...hmm

Dear L., Wow, you sound worn out by this situation. As wives and mothers we can become so used to things that we get in a "can't see the forest for the trees" mentality.
First, grandmothers seeing their grandchildren is not a right, it is a priviledge. I am a grandmother, and I must respect their father and mother, or understand that they have a perfect right not to expose their children to me. It is their judgement and their children should always come first. Period. Your mother-in-law is a grown up. Often manipulative people want us to forget that and our expectations of them drop lower and lower. Our willingness to accept outrageous behavior goes up. Why? We would not accept these types of behaviors from a friend or other relative, why them? You probably want to ask yourself that. Unfortunately, you will end up in the position of wondering why your husband has not simply said "Mom, we will see you when you agree to behave in a way that supports my wife and me as parents, and human beings."
Here's the deal. Manipulative people go through life setting up situations where they can succeed. They surround themselves with people who enable their efforts. But, like children, they need someone to say NO and mean it. They need to be told that this comment or that behavior is unacceptable. It seems hard to believe, but often they really don't know how what they do affects other people. Usually it is not that they don't care, they just need someone to speak to them, not in anger or judgement.
You need to say how what she does makes you feel. Tell her what you want her to do. She may not respect that, but then there must be a consequence. The one that works best is just not going to her house for a while. Still speaking on the phone keeps lines open, acting like she has nothing to be mad or upset about, because after all you have simply set a limit and are sticking by it. It is a simple strategy, not easy, but simple. Simply empowering yourself and not being afraid of her anymore will take such a weight off your shoulders.
I have not given any particulars here, but you may already be able to guess that I have learned this first hand through pain and tears, and have triumphed with good, trusting and strong relationships at the end. I wish you all the best. Hand tough, this is good practice for your children later. Barb

I understand your situation and my heart goes out to you. You sound a lot like me. All you want is to have peace and be left alone to raise your child and enjoy your family. I have said that many times. I have have a mother in law from hell for 30 years! Don't fret ! It can get better. Your mother in law is a master of manipulation and it sounds like she lies to your husband. You need to have a heart to heart with your husband. Tell him you need him to put your family first. Can your husband talk to his mother and set some ground rules? Or is he afraid to stand up to her? If you talk to her, don't have a screaming match. I am sure she can out fight you. That is where she is comfortable. She needs to have limits on the time spent in your home. It is your home and your child is your child. Tell her she can only come over on certain days and times and never unannounced. One thing I know for a fact. If you don't back her down she will never give you a break. You need to take a stand. You can do it. If your husband can not talk to her ( mine could not ) it will be up to you to . Get support from your family and friends and let them help bolster your strength. Maybe have one of them with you when you talk to her. Or just talk to her over the phone if you can't do it face to face. You may have to set her in her place more than once, but you have no choice. You deserve peace in your home. I really wish you the best of luck.

All I can say on this is to keep standing your ground to her.
My MIL was a total witch with a capital B.We have no contact with her at all and it's been almost 3 years now.I feel bad for my 2 kids that are her grandkids,but it was her choice not to call or send them anything for Christmas or their birthdays.
My husband and I have been together for a little over 10 years and have been married almost 8 years,and she has always jumped into our business even his sisters who we don't have contact with either.I could go into more with you but I'm not sure if my one SIL comes on here at all.If you live in the Port Richey/ New Port Richey contact me maybe we can meetup sometime.
K.

I am sorry, but YOU need to take control, put your foot down and start putting some guidelines in place. It seems that you are being nice to her to smooth it over but it is not working. If she is a "pro" at fighting then you need to either get good or remove yourself from her. Remember, your child is witnessing all this and will start to take the grandmother side because mommy backs down or even worse allow other to walk all over her because mommy does. We cannot afford to raise weak girls!!! What is your husband doing about this?

I don't have time to write all the things I want to say about your MIL. Sadly, this situation cannot be stopped by you it has to be your husband. Now lets start with you taking control. YOu are a grown woman with a child. Mothers cannot let go of there son's just you have to give her a little push. Let her know that you will not stand for her behavior. You are going to have to distant yourself from her. If she wants to see her granddaughter your hubby will have to take her over there. Let her know that if she comes over uninvited you will not open the door and if she trepasses you will call the police. You will not give up your dau and will not sacrafice your marriage and future children because of her. The main thing is your husband is going to have to back you up because if she feels she can run to him and get what she wants this will never work. Good luck

I have a controlling mother-in-law. My daughter is now 17 and my mother-in-law is not as bad as she used to be. The major turning point for me was when my husband laid it on the line one time. He really stood up to her! He let her know that this is HIS family and the he and HIS wife will run it the way WE want to. She seemed to back down after that. I also had to stop seeing her so much. She was watching my daughter part-time so I could work, and I ended up taking her out of her care and getting another babysitter.
It's a difficult situation. I would think about talking to a professional counselor or a minister.

OMG you poor thing!! You have to put your foot down with her and your husband. He has to see that this makes you miserable dealing with Broom Hilda. I would consider counseling so that he can get an outside perspective and see what this is doing to you and your relationship. I would also go ahead and put say something to her and not be disrespectful but let her know it's your home and your child and once you married YOU and your child became first in his life. I would then cut off from her for a while at least. I wish you the best of luck.

I applaud you for trying so hard to stand up to your MIL. She sounds totally unreasonable! It's not your job to figure out a way to stand up to her any longer...you've done more than your share. Your husband needs to stand up to her and tell her how her behavior makes him feel and how it's affecting his family. He has to know how much your MIL hurts you and he should not be tolerating it. I agree with other posts to seek counseling because the situations you have dealt with sound traumatizing to you and your marriage.

I know you are trying your best to balance the situation, but I personally would distance myself from her and limit the time you spend with this woman. I don't know if moving is an option, but I would seriously consider it. It's so important to have your own lives as a family unit and not have her intrude every chance she gets. You sound like you love your husband and daughter dearly and want what's best, so let your husband do the battling and hopefully that's what will make the difference.

Also, I hope you have family and friends to help you deal with this. Just having people to vent to will help keep you sane.

Best of luck to you. Hang it there!

Just to let you know you are not the only one who has been treated like this by your MIL. When I was pregnant with my first child my MIL didn't like the name we picked out so she threw a shower for me and had the name she wanted written all over the cake. It was a huge slap in the face. She yelled at me when my parents took me maternity clothes shopping and would even send me hateful letters in the mail telling me what a terrible person I was.
Needless to say, my now ex-husband stood up to his mother and told her how it was going to be. She didn't like that she couldn't control everything in our lives, including all decisions with the baby, so we cut off contact. It made life a lot less stressful for me. The hard part was for my ex-husband as those were his parents, but he had to do it to show them that it was HIS family and that she couldn't control it.
Definitely stand up and don't let her control your family. I know you don't want to hurt feelings as I know I didn't but you can't live like that thinking that this woman is going to take your child away. I got smart and started keeping track of all times we had contact and what happened, just in case my MIL took us to court for any reason.
I wish you the best of luck because I know it is not the easiest thing to go through.