I Need Ideas - Tucson,AZ

Dear M.,

The problem may lie in the preschool. It may have been a great place for him when he was two years old, but the three-year-old class may not be as appropriate. Have you visited the classroom and/or explored other preschool options? Children mature at different rates and learn in different ways. If the teacher (who is supposed to be the expert) is at wit's end, is that your son's problem, or the teacher's problem?

I had similar problems with my only son who is now 9 years old (I have 3 daughters) when he went to a Montessori preschool at age 3. Unknown to me, he was having ear problems due to infections and allergies and couldn't hear well. The teachers complained that he would not follow instructions or commands especially if he wasn't looking at them. I called him the time-out king because he was punished so often. The end result was that I got him speech and hearing help, lots of medicine, and eventually ear tubes, but the teachers had already labeled him a bad boy, so I was forced to switch preschools. It was the best decision that I ever made, because he responded to the new school very well and has never had a behavior problem in school since then.

Also, be sure that his food choices don't involve dyes, sugar, or caffeine, and that this isn't an issue of acting out to attract a classmate's admiration or an adult's attention. Some preschools ignore the well-behaved children.

Hang in there. I'm a single parent too, and it's tough but rewarding.

L.

Well, I think this is a problem his teacher will have to correct. There is nothing wrong with your son! My daughter's 2 1/2 and I went to the preschool she will start in the fall. I expressed the exact concerns that you have and the principal told me that the children learn by observation and gentle reinforcement. Guess what- she doesn't start kids in the middle of the class... They all start together and are taught everything from how to walk, how to sit, how to close the door, how to talk quietly. A 3 year old cannot be assumed to know any of these things, and they all come from different homes.
I wish I could give you a referral for someone to help him out...

Dear M.,
First, your child's differential behavior between the home and school is a sign of intelligence. He can tell the difference between one setting and another. The concern is that the teacher is not viewed as an authority figure. This appears to be a classroom behavior management issue rather than a bad child issue. It sounds like your son has a culprit that is playing the game as well. I wonder if the only attention your son gets in class is related to negative rather than positive behavior. I cannot believe opportunities to reinforce his positive behavior do not present themselves. Nothing breeds success like success. If you want to promote a behavior, reinforce it. If you want to extinguish a behavior, do not fuel the fire. There are many parenting and behavior specialists in the community who could be contacted for advice on this particular example. However, it sounds like a typical scenario for this age group to me. Some minor tweaking of where attention is going would likely reduce the frequency of the undesireable behavior. Also, the opportunity for group or peer pressure is there - reinforcing and giving attention to the children doing what is desired is another powerful tool. Don't fret about your son - he's shown you his is a good kid. He needs to extend his sense of who else can be an authority in his life. I wonder if you could take some time out from your work or day activity to show up at his classroom sometime to help aid in carrying over a sense of authority to the teacher...? Just some thoughts.

J.

This sounds very familiar indeed. When my son was 3 1/2 he was very onery. He didn't want to listen to the teacher and he didn't like being put in time out so he would just go pick up a book and "read" it. He would tell her he was busy when she told him to sit back down with his head on the table. It was a nightmare. I scolded, spanked, timed out and almost anything else you could think of. The teacher had told me she thought he had a behavioral disorder. I took him to a therapist, because I was desperate. I knew he didn't behave this way at home.

The therapist laughed and said that all 3 1/2 year olds have a behavioral disorder called "3 1/2". He told me that my son was a healthy normal child and was probably bored. He said all children are different. Some will sit in a circle quietly and others do not respond well to that. He suggested I take him to another school that had different activity centers which might gather his interest. He said that although children thrive under structure, at 3 1/2 some of them are just too young to have a regiminted routine of sitting and being quiet. He suggested that story time should be kept short and require activity from the children like asking them questions and for participation. He explained that at 3 and 3 1/2 children are learning thier independance. He also explained that this was a healthy way of showing his independance. He suggested that when he was at home or at school I should really praise him for when he was well behaved instead of just punishing him for when he was behaving poorly. He said that children seek attention, and they don't care whether it's bad or good attention, it's all the same to them. Especially at that age. It sounded odd to me at first. I started trying it at home and it really worked well as long as I was consistant. I would tell him I'm not interested in talking to a boy that wont listen to me, and I would ignore him. This was hard. When he listened I would say, "I really like how well you listened, thank you!" OR when he did go in a time out, I would talk to him after about why he was in the time out and then I would thank him for standing there. Maybe your sons teacher could try this.

He suggested when I take him to his new school that I also make a "rewards" sticker chart. Everyday that he was well behaved at school and listened to teacher he got a sticker. After he got 5 stickers on his chart he got a prize. Not necessarily a toy, but a trip to the park or to play in the sprinkler or a bowl of ice cream or 99 cent coloring book. This worked really well. He also told me to explain the sticker chart to his teacher and remind my son in front of the teacher about being well behaved and getting a sticker if he was. He told me not to punish him if he got a bad report at school, because he had already been punished, but to explain to him that he didn't get a sticker today and that we could try harder tomorrow and get a sticker then.

Good luck to you with your son. I hope my experience can help in some way.

Dear M.,
Kudos to you for raising a child by yourself. I don't know how you do it but you are amazing - it's not easy. Is there someone in your life like your father or a brother that could provide a consistent male influence for your son? Or even his father? Boys need a consistent, reliable male influence in their lives and I think this might help with his behavioral issues. Good luck to you and your son.