I Need I Good Reference Book for a Mom with 4 Year Oldboy That Is Resist Eating

I just read a great book from the Le Leche League called My Child Won't Eat (or something like that!) I hope she realizes she is setting her son up for a lifetime of negative food behaviors! How sad!

This is a hard one. I doubt that the sister is likely to read a book that tells her she's wrong, unless she is asking for that kind of advice. But I am reading a lovely book called Hungry Monkey, a Food-Loving Father's Quest to Raise an Adventurous Eater. The beauty of this book is that it presents eating as a happy adventure and a pleasant family time, and this dad (Matthew Amster-Burton) gives his little girl lots of room to like what she likes. (And he gives some wonderful recipes along the way.)

If you have a chance to talk to this woman yourself, you might express your worry over what you are observing. Children won't starve themselves UNLESS it is the only way they feel they can express their growing need for autonomy. And this mom sounds worried about her son getting good enough nutrition, so the issue may have grown up gradually over the past year or so, until she is all worry and no rational perspective.

She may also be a bit of a control freak, as my mother was, much to the detriment of her four daughters. If this is the case, her son might feel over-managed in other areas of his life, and is resisting in one of the few ways he can.

Studies of young people with eating disorders (and other addictions) commonly reveal overcontrolling parents. Here's a link to one book that discusses this problem, though from the point of view of children who had grown up in such a household: http://www.amazon.com/If-You-Had-Controlling-Parents/dp/0...

Good luck. I hope you'll write again if you find a way to reach this mother. Your experience could be helpful to others.

My son is almost 4 and up until very recently we also have been dealing with the same issue. We finally just said, OK, don't eat. There were only a couple of nights that he asked for a snack after dinner- but we did not give in. Since then, he has been much better with his eating- most times cleaning his plate, and we don't fight about it anymore at dinner.

I agree with Laura- no parent wants their kid to go hungry. This was the reason that we battled for so long. But I felt like he was old enough to learn this lesson now.

Since we are about 4 weeks in with this new method we haven't necessarily tried many foods we know he doesn't like, but we do make him take a 'No Thank You' bite just so he knows what he is turning down. Quite painless compared to what we were dealing with. And a treat after dinner depends on it.

Good luck to your friend!

I like Peg's idea of the book "Hungry Monkey, Raising an Adventurous Eater".

Giving her fun books like that, that would get the message across in a sneaky way, instead of books that are essentially "You Idiot! Look what you're doing to your child!!" (don't you wish you COULD give her that book though?), would probably be a LOT more successful.

Personal anecdote time:

Anyone who's read any of the posts about how much my son nursed, how much milk he drank/drinks, and the wild variety and sheer volume of food he's been known to consume knows my son is a "good eater". When he's in a growth spurt he eats double to triple what *I* eat. Yet this good eater goes through phases where he doesn't eat enough to keep a bird alive, and he also won't eat food he doesn't like the taste of. Fine by me. (We have a house rule...since I get adventurous in my cooking...that if anyone ever doen't "like" dinner they can always have a sandwich or can of ravioli or soup instead). <Laughing> sometimes all THREE of us are breaking out the Chef Boyardee. There have definitely been some cooking failures.) This rule exists...because it was NOT the rule in my Mum's house.

Her rule was that she was cooking "food" for dinner, and we were darn well going to eat it, like it, and no complaining.

My mum is NOT a bad cook. But let's face it. People like different things. And I'm a super-taster (Just as an example: I can tell what kind of honey was used in home baked bread...and my dad keeps 15-25 different kinds of honey in the house...he's a super-taster, too). While my mum is not a bad cook, she was cooking for everyone...and the meals got repetitive, fats heavy, and bland. Midwestern meat and potatoes with boiled to death veggies...because that's what my siblings would eat. I can't count the number of meals where I choked down the minimum that would allow me to leave the table, and then would sneak downstairs after everyone was in bed and make a bowl of cereal, or a sandwich, or grab the "dish" wash off the "sauce" and remake it. I learned to do this in extreme secrecy...because my mum took anyone not eating her cooking (or not liking it) as a personal affront. Her feelings would get hurt, and she'd react by yelling and spanking and taking away "privileges". While I can emphasize with the hurt feelings, I just don't get punishing someone for something that's not their fault. We weren't starving...it wasn't like skipping a meal...or having a bowl of cereal was going to give us rickets or put us in the hospital. We also didn't "hate" her if we didn't like the food she cooked....but a combo of those two things was how she took it.

The point of this is that your friend is as unlikely to change her outlook & behavior. As unlikely to change as WE would be to change to her way of doing things. I'll cross my fingers for all of you, but the likelyhood is very very small. Good on you, for trying, though.

& Good Luck.

"My Child Won't Eat" by Carlos Gonzalez addresses this exact thing.

Another suggestion is for you to speak to their pediatrician before their next appointment (it may be months away). If you communicate your concerns to him/her and ask him/her to keep it confidential, s/he can bring up the topic of eating during their annual appointment and perhaps offer professional advice or perspective.

I know this approach can feel a bit intrusive, but if the situation is as you describe it is serious, and I think getting professional advice from more than one source (books) will be helpful.

I agree that this Mom would probably not be open to reading a book.
As a practitioner who has spent her adult life working with people who wanr to change their relationship with food, I can tell you that the more powerful and long-lasting the power struggle the more difficult time the adult, who was the child, has learning to eat for hunger.
Try asking the Mom what the philosophy for feeding children was in her house when she was growing up and asking her how she felt about it. Give her the space to come to her own conclusions.
Most likely, she is acting from a fear she has not examined.
Parents do not set out to intentionally create children who rebel with food. At the end of the day, we control what we put into our mouths, and given freedom to make choices from nourishing offerings is the legacy we want to hand our children.

LisaCrunick.com

Ummm, I would strongly urge some kind of professional involvement here. This mom sounds really overwhelmed or something, and what you describe is borderline abusive. As a mandatory reporter in my job, I would be tempted to call childcare division. Spanking in and of itself is not considered abusive, and parents absolutely have the right to use that form of discipline, within boundaries, but using threats and physical force to control a child's basic right to food is pretty out there. And,as I'm sure you can tell, it doesn't work. Oh I do hope she will get some professional help quickly, and I'm so glad this little boy has you to feel concerned for him! Good luck.

My son hardly ate anything--and I do mean any thing. At 4 he avoided all green things, and all fruits except apples. He loved anything white. I called it his white diet. He was the size of most 5 year olds in height and width. In fact he was always that way. I never forced him to eat.

Why? because my mother was that way with me. And it worked really well. I have no horrible memories of the dinner table. But she does. Why because she was very skinny and was forced to eat.

Any way my son grew to six feet two "not eating" (including snacks) until he grew old enough to start taking turns cooking for us.

Tell your good friend's sister to back off. She creating some really bad memories. The kid will eventually eat. Offer no snacks in between meals.

I can relate to her problem but force feeding a child is not going to help in fact it will probably make the problem worse. I had eating problems when I was a kid and the more someone tried to force me the worse they got. I had tactile issues which caused food to make me gag and over chew. My daughter also has these issues and more. She has trouble swallowing and is in therapy for it. This women needs to take her kid to the doctor and see about getting seen by the CDRC up at Dornbecker's they have been a lifesaver to me.

G. - I feel your friends pain. My older son (almost 7) went through this horrible stage for almost a year when he was about 3. Every dinner time was a fight, timeout, tears (on MY part!) him gagging on his food. It was a nightmare.
I finally just threw my hands up in the air and said "FINE!". I am going to serve what I make for the whole family, and if he wants to eat, great, if not, he goes hungry until the next meal is served.
Your friend doesn't want the child to go hungry. No parent does. But, if she is feeding him snacks throughout the day then he is not going to eat if it is something that looks "wierd" or isn't part of his normal snacking (chips, cookies, crackers, tortillas ect.) He should get a breakfast, a small midmorning snack, lunch, a snack at 3, dinner. That's it. And snack means snack, an apple, or yougurt, or something SMALL...not a meal.
There are all these books about sneaking things into meals and how to cojole your child into eating, and I think they are kind of a crock.
He eats what is served. If he doesn't, he doesn't get to eat until the next meal. Snack is what is offered (or a choice of two things and he gets to choose one). If he passes on the snack he doesn't eat until the meal.
Your friend needs to have a system and understand that she cannot control her son.
It took a couple of weeks for my son to figure out that I meant business and now he is a great eater! I never give in, he doesn't get any "treat" until he finishes the dinner, because if his belly is too full to finish his veggies then it is too full to eat a treat.
I feel for her, L.

You might want to refer this woman to the child's MD. If she would learn the tools for feeding a child. It is our job to place nourishing food in front of the child and it is the child's job to decide what to eat. The MD will tell her that you never force a child to eat. Also when trying any new food just a very small amount and it may have to be offered many times along with favorite food. A child will eat when they are hungry and sometimes very little for days.I will look for a reference book for you but again there is good information at the MD office and if she is force feeding her child this could cause any number of physical and emotional problems. Sounds like she does not have the tools to know what to expect from her child. Parents Magazine has wonderful guides for each age and category of care.