Dinner Time Stress

From what I've seen with kids that age you just have to roll with the punches. There is no point in getting in to a power struggle with a kid. At each age they will try what they want to try. All you can really do is offer it to them. Continue to model good eating behaviors and you should be just fine.

I say just back off of him. I used to try to "force" my granddaughter to eat - now I just let her eat what she wants and then she's done. I don't really feel it's necessary or even a good thing to force a child to eat if they don't want to eat. If they're hungry and need nutrition, they will eat. If not, they won't. I got tired of the stressful dinners and just gave up. My granddaughter appears to be healthy and dinner is much quieter and nicer!

This worked really well for us: Put a tiny portion (1 small bite) of every food on the plate. When everything is eaten, they can request more of whatever they want.

We gradually increased the portion size a little bit, to be about 2 bites.

Other things helped too, like water only with dinner b/c they would just fill up on milk or juice, and water only after 3:30 pm so they would be hungry for dinner.

When we did this CONSISTENTLY, it worked great.

Good luck!

I was the same way when I was little and after years (i was 6) of torture (for everyone) My parents finaly stoped trying to make me eat/taste everything. They still had rules, I couldn't have dessert if I hadn't eaten the meal as served to me. I couldn't make any negitive comments about the meal. If I really didn't like the meal, my mom had a few items I could just serve myself and eat instead, cottage cheese and anything out of the veggie drawer. Dinners became pleasent and I know my parents were relieved(it was a source of differing opinions for them). I soon became sick of cottage cheese and being hungery and became much more willing to taste new food. I think its important to recognize what part of this has become a control issue for him and for you. You really don't want that to become part of eating. As a parent I think its best to offer healthy choices, take a deap breath, and not create tension/issues around food.

Hummm...I would not make him try everything. Do you try everything that is offered to you?

My mom used reverse psychology, she would never serve me brussle sprouts and I would ask can I try them? She would say, no these are just for big people. Then one day she said I might be big enough and let me try one. I remember it very clearly - I did not like them but told her I did. From then on she served them to me and always ate them and told her I loved them!

I find it really hard to know what the right thing to do is all the time. Raising kids can be tough. I have decided to pick my battles and stand firm on the things that really matter to me.

We'll see what happens when my boy turns four! ;-)

Try involving your kids in selecting new foods to try. Get a cookbook with big colorful pictures and let each of them choose a recipe and help you make it.

They might still try to argue their way out of trying it. If so, ignore their protests and taste the food yourself and exaggerate your reactions. "Now this is very interesting...."

If you make a point of trying new food for yourself, they might get the idea. It is important to be honest when you don't like a food and show them what you do and that not all experiments work out. That way they know that it is okay to have preferences and just try something new. But always have a familiar backup food, preferably something really boring that they are willing to eat when hungry that is acceptable if not ideal.

My son does this also. I used to make him at least try it. However, my son is also strong willed and has autism so he can outlast me and his bed time routine! Now I give him dinner and tell him if he does not try a bite of everything then he does not get snacks tomorrow. He also does not get dessert unless he tries at least one bite. He knows his dessert size is based on the amount of the food he actually eats at dinner. If he chooses not to eat he may leave the table, but has to go to bed hungry and will not get any snacks the following day. Just remember when you're ready to cave in and give him something else that he won't starve to death! It is harder on you than him. Also, give him only balanced meals and snacks. We don't let our son snack on anything other than fruits and/or vegetables this makes snack time easier (he can grab an apple or a carrot out of the fridge himself) and doesn't give him bad habits or junk food loaded with sugar and empty calories. Our son is exactly 50% for height and weight and 5 years old so your son will get enough nutrition too! Good luck.

Stacy,

I think you may be torturing him by making him stay at the table when everyone is finished, and by forcing him to eat things he doesn't like. Unfortunately, at about age 3 kids get into a phase of absolutely refusing to try anything new, unless it's candy, of course. There are even some who will only eat the 1 item they really like. If I were you, I would stick to serving him the things you know he liked in the past, and then occassionally offer him something new. Ask him to try it, but don't force him. We use the old Popeye routine about how it helps you grow and makes you strong (spinach, for example). Still, understand it's a phase that lasts until age 6, so you've got a while to go. Do stop pressuring him, and relax, since all meals should be a pleasurable time for the family, a chance to talk about your day, etc. Also, to make eating more fun, don't hesitate to make his plate look nice. Sometimes I take cucumbers and slice them, those are the eyes, a cherry tomato for the nose and carrot sticks for the mouth. (That's your salad starter). You can do this with lots of foods! Also, give him quantities that are reasonable, so he doesn't get intimidated by all you've put on his plate. Plus, give him a chance to help you cook sometimes; our 4 year old makes pizza every Wednesday night and usually eats lots (ham, cheese, red or yellow pepper, eggplant, canned sliced mushrooms or corn, olives, etc.) during preparation. This is okay, it's the idea that he's helping that counts, and when we do sit at the table he gets lots of pizza crust, and a small tomato salad with olive oil and basil. Whatever you do, stop hasseling him and try to make eating fun. You will see, it will all turn out OK over time. And if you don't feel he's getting enough vitamins, do see your pediatrician about a multi vitamin until his eating habits develop and mature. Good luck.

I agree with the previous poster who said put the plate of food in front of him, but don't negotiate. One reminder that this is dinner and if he doesn't eat then there won't be anything else until breakfast. We went through a time with my son (almost 5) where he barely ate anything at dinner. I did make sure he was eating a very healthy breakfast and lunch. I also moved afternoon snack a little earlier to make sure we weren't spoiling his appetite for dinner. He only complained one time at bedtime that he was hungry and we just reminded him if he had eaten dinner he wouldn't be hungry and he would be able to eat breakfast when he got up in the morning. He has gotten much better about eating dinner since we stopped making a big deal out of it. If we have a new food that I really want him to try we tell him that if he puts it in his mouth and doesn't like it that he can spit it back out on his plate. This has gotten him to try a lot of new foods that he wouldn't have tried otherwise and he has found out that he really does like a lot of stuff he didn't think he did. I know some people think that spitting food out at the table is inappropriate, but when the pressure of actually having to swallow something that he doesn't like is gone he is much more willing to give things a try. We have been able to expand his diet in this way. The last thing we do is to make sure there is at least one thing on each kid's plate that we know they enjoy (not hard to do since my kids eat just about everything). They can fill up on that one thing if they want to, it doesn't matter to us. (I just feel better knowing I am sending them to bed with full tummies.) Good luck and stop the power struggle now and return the peace to mealtimes.

What you have is a power struggle, and you are giving him way too much power by even pleading / arguing / rewarding.

Make sure that he sits with the family and has a plate of food and a drink. Don't say a word - not one! Just set his plate in front of him. If he doesn't eat, let it be his choice. Remind him half way through dinner (only ONE reminder!) that after dinner there will be no more food served until breakfast time.

The hardest part is to stick to your guns and not offer a snack of any sort. Milk or water is ALL. (If you bend the rules even once, all you will get is whining until he gets his way again.) You can empathise, and say how it's too bad he didn't eat his dinner and that maybe tomorrow night he could choose to eat with you.

My 4 year old started eating her dinner on her own after testing us by not eating a few times, then throwing a temper tantrum once the food was put away. She figured out that she wasn't going to be catered to or pleaded with any more and that was it.

As a life long picky eater and strong willed person ... let me tell you a little story. When I was about 9 or 10, I was at my dad & step-mom's for the summer. The neighbor had made some navy beans (I think, might have been pinto's but I don't remember that clearly now .. but I digress), I put some on my plate willing to try them. I took one bite and nearly gagged on them. I didn't like them and didn't want to finish the one spoonful I'd put on my plate. I was told I couldn't leave the table till I ate them. Guess what time I left the table and if I actually ate them or not? I finally was excused from the table at 10pm (dinner was at 6) and I didn't TOUCH those beans. Now I'm 41 and STILL remember that event. What does that tell you? AND I still won't eat those kinds of beans. EVER. I can barely stomach the smell of them.

My parents finally gave up trying to FORCE me to eat foods I didn't like. If I didn't like it I wasn't made to eat it. However, they weren't fixing me anything extra to eat. I could make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich or soup or whatever. I also had to clean up after myself.

I also tend to be the last person at the table because I take smaller bites and eat slower. There is nothing wrong with that. In fact it takes your brain at least 20 minutes to register there's food in your stomach.

Make dinner, put in on the table and on a plate for him. Then just eat. He'll eat what he likes and what he wants and when he's full he'll stop eating. Food is for nurishment, dinner time is for families. Forcing the issue too much is just going to lead to more conflict and more issues with food later on. All 3 of my kids have different preferences. My oldest son doesn't like green beans, my youngest son doesn't like mashed potatoes or corn, my daughter isn't much of a meat eater. And yet despite not being forced to eat any of those foods ... they are all extremely healthy and are actually under weight for their heights.

Kids are different. My first daughter ate almost anything and my second eats almost no fruits or vegetables - she hasn't for years. I've tried to gently encourage her to eat them, used dessert as a bribe, put some one her plate so she'd get used to seeing them, etc. I try to cook at least one food that she likes - cous cous is easy - and do not require and/or force her to eat her whole dinner. At 4 I think it's unrealistic to require that they "try" everything. I think it turns dinnertime into a battle, as you've discovered.

Hi Stacy,
If you haven't heard of her, check out Ellyn Satter's website or books. She is a nutritionist who teaches about family feeding, problems with over weight, picky eaters etc. In particular, she talks about the division of responsibility in which the parent job is to determine when and what to serve and the child decides what and how much to eat. Mealtime should be a positive experience for everyone and when we pressure the child to eat me may be teaching them to deny their own internal cues as to when they are full or hungry or forcing them to eat something they don't like. Also, I can't remember how many exactly but they say it takes somewhere around 10-15 tries before we may actually like a particular food. Took me 30 years before I liked asparagus.

Now I have been lucky to have a child who loves food, all kinds, but sometimes she does get a little picky. I have found that when I just leave her alone she'll eat what appeals to her first ( maybe bread) then she'll get around to eating the vegetables afterward. Bribery is a bad idea, I believe, because then we teach preference. ( ie the dessert is better than the vegetables) and again they learn to override their sense of being full because they'll eat their food in order to get the dessert and eat the dessert despite being full.

Try to always have something he likes on the table so he has something to choose. Model behavior at the table that you want him to do, ie eating the vegetables. I put other types of vegetables into soups or pasta sauce they she likes. Like squash, kale or peas in pasta sauce. Anyway, good luck. Hope this helps. L.

Hi- I would just put a reasonable serving of everything on his plate when he's done with what he likes he cannot have more until he at least tries the other things. Then just don't even mention it at the table, continue on with a pleasant meal. He will either be hungry enough to do it or he'll be done and maybe remember the next time that he was hungry later. If you only serve healthy food he will not starve and eventually as he matures he'll expand his tastes a bit. If you control him too much and turn it into a battle of wills it will only be about that and not the food. My youngest girl (6 yrs.) would always eat everything we did, oldest (10 yrs.) was much more picky and may be as an adult too. I fed and raised them in the same way and the oldest is just more adverse to trying new things. The irony is that I think the older one is really more of a healthy eater as she does not like most candy or junk food. Her diet is more limited but very healthy. Since the little one likes everything she's right there for the treats and dessert every time. I think it has more to do with the good stuff you get in them than the things they should try but just don't want to. As they grow there are so many really important things that will come up that you have to put your foot down about, I try to pick my battles. Good Luck!

Hi Stacy-

The best thing to do in this case is to take the power struggle or battle of wills completely out of the situation. Stop forcing him to eat. It will cause a lot of issues for him around food and issues with your relationship with him for the rest of his life. Simply tell him that the kitchen is 'open' for 30 minutes during mealtimes (3 times a day). If he doesn't eat, or misses the meal, then the kitchen is 'closed' and no food is available until the next meal. No snacks or juice or milk allowed in between meals - only water. I guarantee he will quickly get the idea that he should eat when food is available, and you don't even have to stress about it.

Another thing is that kids grow and use energy at different rates - sometimes they don't need to eat. Kids WILL eat when they get hungry. If they miss a meal - no big deal. Kids also have different taste buds than adults - if they don't taste everything you've prepared - no big deal. Simply remove all the emotional triggers out of mealtimes, by making food available, and giving your son the choice to eat or not - with the consequence of no food available in between mealtimes. When he gets hungry, he'll eat. And when your son starts to feel like he has his own power over some of his choices (and food is an age appropriate choice), he will start to make better decisions. Good luck!

One thing I've seen work is to set the table like normal except with no food on his plate. Then you, your husband and your6 year old proceed to eat dinner - having regular "what did you do today" conversation. Eventually your son will start asking to have something to eat. But don't put everything on his plate right away - just what he asks for.
GL

1. The 3 bite rule - first to see what it is, 2nd to taste, 3rd to decide if they like it. They ONLY have to take those three bites then if after the 3rd bite they *really* dont like it, fine. (Usually they will end up deciding it doesnt taste as bad as they imagine it to be)

I also use the "how old are you = how many bites you need" rule sometimes.

I have had to learn to feed my son in the afternoon right around 3 or when he gets home from school, or else he'll all of a sudden be starving at 4:30 and eating while I'm fixing dinner then of course he isn't hungry for dinner. So, *make sure* he eats a fairly hearty & healthy afternoon snack an hour to two before dinner. Then no snacking in btwn.

I also have this rule, which has worked really well with my 6yo- he *has* to eat his dinner if he wants to get any dessert. He'll eat his dinner, then get a dessert before bedtime. Or he'll not eat his dinner, then at bedtime the automatic "I'm hungry!" comes up so ok, here's your dinner, you can finish it. (but no dessert, since dinner is dessert when eaten at that time)

We kinda implemented these in stages, first was either the age and/or the 3 bites to see/taste/decide rule.

I think the 3 bites to taste/decide is effective because 1- they're more willing, I think because they feel more in control with the assurance that once they've had the series of bites to decide they really dont like the food, they dont have to eat any more of it. It puts them in control, which is where they want to be, but you are satisifed that he's tasted it and gotten past the prejudice of his LOOKING at it and deciding it's 'yuk.' After all 3 or 4 bites of a veggie or whatever it is for a 4 yo is pretty good. And it gets them used to new foods that later on he'll be more used to it then more accepting and willing to eat/like it.

Another thing my sister said (her kids are so very picky tho... mine's not!) was to make sure there was at least one "good" food that they'd fill up on at each meal - ie, a roll, or plain noodles which you know they'll eat when you're serving something they may or may not like. Moms feel better when the kids have at least eaten SOMEthing. We're glad our son is a better eater, he may not eat MUCH but he eats a good variety of foods.

And last but not least- DIPS! dressings, ketchup, etc. My son will eat all the rice he can hold if I let him have it with cinnamon sugar on it. Or dip into ketchup or dressing or whatever. I saved a couple little plastic cups (from frosting that come in the refrigerated cinn/orange/etc rolls, or maybe the scoop from lemonade/drink mixes? etc) Either those little cups and/or put directly on their plates, and they have fun dipping their green beans into dressing or potatoes into ranch dressing or meats into whatever it may be. They have fun with their food and will eat more of it that way!

Sounds like you already have a huge power struggle going on here. One this to remember is that little kids have very little control over such few things.....eating, peeing, pooping & sleeping. I suggest you continue giving him his plate & w/the same meal that everyone else is having. But during the meal, stop all the pleading, begging & bribing to get him to eat. Just start the dinner convo & talk to your younger son about his day. Then when you are winding down your meal, remind your son one time & ONLY one time, that everyone is almost finished & that he has 'x' more time to eat & the meal is over for him. Show him on the clock & tell him when the hands reach that number, that you'll take away the plate. No more sitting at the tabel til he's done & absolutely no more food after this. Make sure hubby is on board w/this plan. Talk w/your son beforehand & explain the new rules. The key is to be consistent & follow thru. Kids are so smart...he'll figure out you mean business. Stay strong & do not give in. Hope this helps & good luck!

I like passsive reverse psychology. I tried to get mine to eat carrots and brocoli. HUGE fight. I let it go and never asked again. I made it look delicious tho and even fed my husband a few pieces. Now they beg for your carrots and brocoli. They even eat my salad and artichokes~!! It helps that my son is hooked on lazytown with "Sportacus" who eats sports candy for energy like apples and veggies! :)

We don't make our child (also 4!) try everything, or even eat, but our rule is that he sit at the table for dinner time (with a plate of food)... his thing is always to say that he is not hungry. Our pediatrician suggested always having at least one thing with the meal that he likes. Our power struggles have been over different issues, and I have found it easier to make them non-issues by ignoring them. Chances are your boy will eat when the pressure is off. Aren't 4 year olds just a bundle of self-assertive joy :) ? Good luck whatever you choose to do with him!

Our daughter decided that she didn't eat green food when we moved to the bay area. It was terrible. She had eaten peas and beans every day of her life and then she wouldn't eat them.

Well, when she asks, "May I have dessert now?" The reply is the same every day, "Did you eat your veggies?" That's the only food we require her to eat. She likes everything else, most of the time. If she ate her veggie, ice cream. No veggie, no ice cream. It's not a discussion.

As for other food, if she doesn't want to eat it, she doesn't have to eat it, but dinner is dinner. She can be hungry if she chooses not to eat. Additionally, there are no seconds until the food she put on her plate is eaten. "Eat what you have and then you can have more," is all we say when she asks for more of what she likes.

Stephanie

Why make that a rule? Kids go through food phases. I remember my dad did that to me and my sister as a child and I hated it and don't like it now. He may try it, but that's it, he won't eat it again unless he is forced which is what you are doing. My son who is 3, if he doesn't want to try it we just keep putting it on his plate each night at dinner. It almost becomes a constant fixture/theme on his plate. He eventually tries it on his own at dinner. It is a known fact that it takes kids a lot of tries to want to try and eat something new. It is causing unnecessary stress and drama. Eventually your son is going to associate dinner with his parents as a bad thing, he is not going to want to sit down with you guys. Let it go and fight the bigger battles. Good luck I hope you can find a solution that works. God bless

Stacy,
This one can take on a life of its own and it sounds like you know what you have been doing isn't working and no one is enjoying their meal. A meal is meant to be enjoyed, a time to be together as a family. Maybe a break from what you have been trying for a day or two where you and your hubby enjoy your meal alone might calm things down a bit and your son can have a favorite meal during that time. I know it sounds like you would be giving in and it would never turn back but I have been there and this is my heart felt response..as always, try reading Parenting from the Inside Out (how were you parented and how does it drive your parenting today) buy some veggie/fruit supplements to give him some nutrition..whole foods, even regular stores are starting to carry or try online. I have given my kids juiceplus for years and they beg for the green ones :)))) (filled with kale and spinach but they taste like gummy fruit chews) make some smoothie filled with nutrition and now..I think it is aweseome to make it known that no matter what, you want him at the table so you can hear about his day, what was fun, silly, hard and what he wants to do before bed and talk about the next day's fun. Share your days. Model discussion, breaking bread together. Have him go grocery shopping and look at kids' menu sites on line...fun ideas..it will be a little work for you but including him in the solution will pay off dividends. My son was a good eater until his sister started protesting and then his peers. A solid and FUN introduction to health and muscles and all that you can do (skateboarding, soccer, snowboarding, etc..) is based on those big muscles, helped turn the corner with my son but he has some aversions still. I still think the Sneaky Chef recipes are good too. Ask him what his favorite foods are and to create the menu. Ask him to help cook, pick out plates, set the table, etc. Have him help menu plan on Sundays and write it up and give him a visual and it will give him security that the stress will not happen every night and that alone will comfort him and help him open up to possibilities.
You will be teaching him similar responsibility, skills and most importantly, instilling a love of food and celebration in his heart instead of memories of struggle. (I would let him take a cooking class, get kid's cookbook, chef hat, as you can afford too. Let him make you and your husband dinner, even if it is a plate of goldfish and grapes to start. Then show him the pyramid from the American Heart Association and help him find things in the store that he likes that fit that visual( vegetable, fruits, grains, meats and sugar). Our lives have become so complex. This last part is my comment on culture, not you. Rituals that were pleasurable when we were children have become ever so complex and there is nothing more important than ease and calm in our homes so that we can store up energy for the complex world out there.
Our kindergarteners are expected to be first graders, sometimes second, our preschoolers to function like kindergarteners and developmentally, they are not able to cognitively sort all this out and our children are becoming increasingly stressed in our culture. Our boys are wired to eat paste and hang upside down, spit wads of paper through straws and build forts. It is hardwired in the DNA. Even when we had authoritarian parents 20-40 years ago, we had grandparents, aunties and neighbors to sneak us a cookie, a teacher who created spaces to play, not asssess us and we were able to problem solve within our world. Children today are so structured (and of course we all thrive on structure and routine) but there is little room for their brains to think, to plan, negotiate or reflect. They are too busy strapped in car seats to and from, in this activity, that one, that playdate and frankly, they are beggin for some to time to let their brain, bodies and little souls to pause and be heard from time to time.

Oh, do I feel your pain! Pick up the book "Child of Mine" by Ellyn Satter. It should still be relevant for a 4yo. If not, she has several other books as well. My son's ped GI and the child nutritionists who visited my son's preschool each year highly recommended "Child of Mine." It's all about helping your child develop a healthy relationship with food and avoiding power struggles at the table. It helped me immensely with my strong willed picky eater. One of her suggestions is to ask the child to taste the food, but tell him he doesn't have to swallow it (though I don't let my son go, "Blech!!! and make a scene about it), and always thank him for at least trying the food. Don't argue about why he should like it or anything like that. Just let him know you appreciate his trying. I started reading Satter when my son was 2 yo. With a 4 yo, you might have to have a convo with him during a calm time that your house is going to have new rules about trying foods, and explain the one taste but not having to swallow the food thing. When he doesn't like a food, keep the reaction low-key -- just the thank-you, and then pushing against you won't be fun and rewarding to him. Make sure his dad is on the same page. Also, the author has no problem with kids eating dessert first. Making dessert a reward gives it a higher value, which makes it more important. This can lead to an unhealthy relationship with certain foods. We usually don't offer a dessert at our house, but when we do, we don't care when our son eats it. We control the portion, and he is still hungry afterwards and eats his nutritious foods. I would not reward eating with stickers or anything else. He needs to give his body fuel; eating is an expectation, not a special event. You are also leting him know just how desperate you are to get him to eat, which lets him know that he has control over you in this area. Of course you're desperate for him to eat (my son was born 11 weeks early at 2 lbs, 6 oz, and I always watched his eating very carefully), but he cannot know that. Once he believes that it's not that big a deal to you, it will no longer be fun for him to exercise this power. He may still be a picky, cautious eater, but to some extent, this behavior is a survival thing -- humans would not have made it far if we had all eagerly tried hemlock or poison mushrooms! You can explain to him (again, during a calm, non-eating moment) that food is fuel for his body, just like our cars need gas to go. If he wants to get taller and stronger and run faster and throw a ball farther (or whatever will resonate with him), eating nutritious foods is the way to make all of that happen. Please pick up "Child of Mine." Your son immediately saying he doesn't like something without trying it is not at all unusual. There's a stat that a new food needs to be presented to kids something like 16 times before a kid really gives it a chance. Please get "Child of Mine." It is truly a sanity saver for you that can provide your son with the gift of a healthy relationship with food. Trust me -- if we got through this with our son, anyone can!

We've learned to just leave our 4 yo's plate on the counter for a couple of hours after dinner. If she didn't eat much at mealtime, she inevitably is hungry soon after. She knows she can go get her plate and finish off whatever appeals to her, but that we won't fix her different food or new food once dinner is over. We always make sure dinner includes some things we know she enjoys so that she has some choices.

Mostly I make sure that it's not a point of contention between us. She's not being contrary or willful. She's just a 4 yo with a tiny belly and a wandering attention span. I'd be crazy to let that ruin our evening family time.

You are catering to him and making game out of eating. Don't get angry with him.Remind him that at the 30 or 45 min mark (whatever you choose) dinnertime is over.If he hasn't eaten (or eaten very little)in that time just calmly say that dinner time is over and clear his place. He can go to bed hungry; he is old enough it won't hurt him for a night or two. Once he gets the picture he will start eating better. It will make for a night or two of hungry complaints but he will get it. Follow through and don't give in or he will learn you are not serious and another game will begin. Also, do not let him snack or fill up on milk or juice in the two hours or so before dinner. I used to give my son his drink halfway through his meal, otherwise he would just drink first and eat very little. Good luck!

Reconsider Rules for the dinner hour.

Think of how eating together as a family can be fun relaxing unstressful and conducive to good digestion and to closeness as a family. Whatever makes everyone feel happy to be together and grateful to have food to eat and pleasant company among loving non judgemental companions should be encouraged and the opposite should not occur.

Hi Stacy, I have found with two children 13 and 5, the best way to handle a picky eater is to give them choices. Choose your battles. I am adimant about dinner time. Learning rules and appropriate behavior seems most important, next to of course the bonding and togetherness. If you let him feel some control, you will all be able to enjoy your meal.. Good luck!!

K.

Dear Stacy,

It could be your son is really sensitive to certain foods, it could be a power struggle, but either way it must be very frustrating for you and your husband. One thought is to have your son help you with dinner preparations in terms of choices and maybe he will feel more in charge. He might like going to the store with you and helping you or your husband choose foods. If he really is being resistant and it looks more like a poser struggle, you might try pleasantly stating the rules, you and your husband eat and chat pleasantly without trying to encourage or force him to eat, and if he doesn't eat, when you are finished, simply state something like "Oh, I guess you're not so hungry right now - let's clear the table." and then do it as if nothing is wrong. He won't die from not eating a meal or two. You could also add as you put his food away that you will get it back out for him if he gets hungry. If he asks, then pleasantly put it on the table and go about your business. What this does is take away the negative attention he is getting. He will possibly learn that he can't control the atmosphere and that you won't engage in power struggles with him. As for the rule of trying a bit of everything, this may be too much for a child his age. Having him make choices for a balanced meal might be a more encouraging way to get him to eat. If he still tries to play the game and not eat dinner, you may decide to let him have one food before he goes to bed that is healthy.

The most difficult thing is to be patient, for you and your husband to have a united, but pleasant front, and to give mild praise. Too much praise can be something the child will try to escalate.

Good luck,

L.

My 5yo is the same way. We have the same rule in my house. We call them thank you bites. You know "Thank you mom for cooking for me." We've gotten over the battles by making sure that there is a new food to try only every few days. And even sometimes I have her help me cook & try it in stages. That seemed to help the best. Also, I'll accept a nibble as her bite but I make sure that I see her take it. Good Luck but I know you can do it.

It's frustrating, I am the same way with my 3y old. I will never make her eat anything she doesn't like, but I always ask that she please please try it. She will usually eat something new, but if she is feeling like she needs to exert control that particular night It turns into a power struggle. I mean the other night she would not try a marischino cherry! Of course she would love it if she tried it, but she got it into her head... Of course the cherry was not something I tried too hard to talk her into- not the same as a veggie at dinnertime. I am still not too sure what I want my course of action to be, working on a balance and choosing my battles. What I do for now is put everything on her plate, and she eats what she likes. If she asks for more, I tell her sure, but not until she at least tries the new food. It depends on her tempermant that night how big the battle is, but it is a very simple choice to give her, and a very easy rule to stick to. It leaves no room for arguing or negotiation, or even a fight. I tell her I really want her to try the food, I wont force her but she will not get anything else until she does. If she does try it,and doesn't like it still, we don't make her eat it, but give her tons of praise for trying it. Then she can have seconds on whatever she does want.

Hi Stacy,
I also have a 4yrs old with what I call a 'selective eater', just like we all are, right as we choose our menu at every meal. I have read that kids should be involved in all decision making so they feel valued. Perhaps, giving him a choice from two or three and let him decide what he wants with the rule that he has to pick at least one so his body gets proper nutrition to grow big and strong and get smart. Sometimes, we try reverse psychology as my husband shows him his muscles and there he goes eating so he can be as strong as daddy and have a fun competition (of course we let our son win :) May be ask for his help in cooking to get things our from fridge or have him mix, sprinkle, or chop something soft(with a plastic safe knife), ask what we should have for dinner and say together what good stuff is in each choice and what our bodies need the most. Good Luck.
-Rachna

If you've already made the rule then there is no need for further discussion. Maybe instead of spending your dinner trying to convince him to start eating, just begin discussing other things about the day, work, movies you want to see, whatever dinner conversation you would like to be having. If he needs to sit there for a while, or eat after everyone has finished then so be it. You may also want to try planning a fun family activity for after dinner, like a game that you will all play together. If you talk about the game over dinner or your after dinner activity plans, this may encourage him to eat up so he doesn't miss out. If he doesn't eat, stick to your guns and begin the family activity without him. Let him know he can join in when he's finished eating. When he does join in don't make a big deal about the fact that he has eaten, just get excited that he has arrived and focus on the game or activity. If he persists, just repeat the rule without getting worked up over it "there is no rush but you know the rule and when you've tried everything you can join us to play." Right now mealtimes revolve around him and that is not fair to the rest of the family.

Stop forcing him to eat. You use words such as "torture" and "stressful" What a terrible feeling you are giving to your children when mealtime should be one of the most enjoyable times with their fammily. Kids go thru stages where they love what they hated last week and hate what they begged for the day before. Dont worry about it. Stop making food so important. You'll just create a bigger problem later in life. You could let him choose which foods he wants on his plate (tiny portions)and if he wants a second helping of an item let him have it even if he hasnt touched another. When a reasonable time has passed with pleasant conversation, and you and dad are done eating, you say thanks for sitting with us for dinner and excuse him. Ask him to take his plate to the sink and be done with it. If there is a dessert for the family later, offer him a tiny piece and let him enjoy being included in the family. He will eventually try a few things he hasn't had before. He will more than likely be offered a food at a friends home and try it and end up liking it at home too. I see no reason why anyone should be forced to eat any food. You can go thru life never eating peas and live a long happy life. Forced one time to eat them may warp his view of food and mealtime and last a lifetime. There are much bigger situations you will need to fight over. Choose your battles wisely. Mealtime with family shouldn't be a battle ground.

Keep offering the foods and maybe you will get lucky and your son will eventially like it. Have you tried turning the one bite rule into a game? Like I bet I can take my bites before you!! This tactic seems to work still quite well for my 6 year old. Plus it might take the stress off of dinner. You already know that he will eat once he has sat their for a while so maybe after a while of doing this he will stop the fight. Try to keep the meal time happy and just remind of the rules. Once everyone else is done and if your son still has not eaten then I feel he will eventually get board with eating all a lone.

Just leave his plate there on the table. When he is hungry, there it is to go back to. (You could create food isssues with the current power struggle.) Just be nonchalant: "Okay, I'll leave yr plate here cuz I bet you are gonna be hungry in a little while!" Who cares if he doesnt eat til bedtime, or takes hrs to finish. But he should finish at the table alone, not in the LR by TV. And even if he doesnt eat/finish when you ALL eat, he should sit there so you can be a family eating together.
And do NOT provide other foods. No desert til you eat some of everything, no scene, just no.
And do not make him eat stuff like old soggy cereal. Just stuff that can be zapped.
And give him a multi vitamin every day so you dont worry about his nutrition. I agree with the "be a taster not a waster" but kids often need presented the same food many times before they accept it. Their taste buds do change as they ggrow up too. You can also involve him in the PREPARATION of the food (and dessert!), that helps. My son heard so much about germs at preschool he did not want to eat anywhere but home, sometimes boys are funny like that.
They won't starve to death I PROMISE! And kids do go thru weird stages where they just want ONE thing: as long as it is healthy (oranges all day), let them have it. They will move on to something else in time. Your job is to PROVIDE the healthy food, not to stuff it down his throat, just SERVE it. And do not give between meal snacks. Good luck

Hi Stacy,
Sounds like you're on the right track-- try to ignore the bad behavior (not trying the food) and reward the good behavior (trying new foods, being more positive in what he says) by ignoring when he refuses to eat-- one reminder, at most, per meal,should be plenty. Then go on with dinner as if he was chowing down with the rest of you. When you're done, leave the table. If he does voluntarily try something new, be sure and praise it. 'Hey, I noticed you tried the tofu casserole with spinach and mushrooms without complaining-- good job! You're getting so adventurous!' Even if it just takes him less time than usual to choke odwn his one bite, praise it-- positive reinforcement is very affective. Also, defpending on the relationship between him and his brother, you might get ' big bro' to give you a hand saying, 'I'm sure you'll like it!'
Best of luck!