I Need Help with My 6 Yr Old Son

Part of it is his age. My 7yo does the same thing and he lives with his dad and sees him all the time.
It's worth a try to set something up with the dad of friend of his to take the two of them out for some "boy time" Even better but probably harder to pull off is to get a dad who has only daughters to take him out.
Also out there sonewhere, sone one has written a book on the problems facing single moms of sons; it worth looking for.

That's a tough one. I'm not sure if I have any advice on how to tell a 6 year old that his father doesn't want anything to do with him, he's not mature enough to understand any of that. But my thought is maybe find a mentor for him. Maybe a grandfather, brother, or cousin. If you have someone in your family that would take him and do things with, like fishing or a hobby that they could do together, so he would have a roll model or father figure. Maybe then he'd stop taking it out on you because his father isn't around to do those things with him. If you have no family member that could do this, check in your area to see if they have something like Big Brothers & Sisters. These people volunteer there time to mentor kids like your son who need someone to be a roll model and they take them and do things with them. Just a thought, but maybe it would ease your son's pain and point his attention to something good and someone he can look up too.

Hi T.! I just really want to say way to go and congratulations on having a home-based business and being a single-mom, I really think that's super. My daughter won't have a dad either, won't even know him at all as he is not involved either and by choice of course so I really don't know. But just keep in mind he is at that age when kids really prefer their fathers so I hope you don't take it too personally although so would I really. It's never easy. If you're Christian just remind him he has THE BEST Daddy, GOD.

Six year olds are naturally curious. He notices his friends with their dads and doesn't understand why his family is different from theirs. They might even be asking him where is his father. At this age, the answer needs to be simple. As he gets older, you may find yourself answering more questions. For now, simply tell him his father wanted to live somewhere else. The tough part is when he asks when can I see him. Then you can say that he can't see him since he doesn't live there. He also may not like it if he gets in trouble and says he wants his father out of anger. I hope this helps.

My son is 9 and has never seen his dad. He will ask about his dad every now and then, and what I have always told him is just that he is not around. I have always kept it simple and he has always been fine with that.
There have been plenty of times where I hear about how great dad is and how he wishes he could live with him...and those types of things just come and go and you just have to let it roll off of your back and not really let it get you down. Just remind yourself that you are doing the best you can and they (children) may not realize it now, but they will later and they will know how hard you tried for them. And like the other person said...don't ever bash the other person, as much as you want to, let them form their own opinions about their dad.

hi T. my name is W. and i would say be honest and when you start the conversation ask him what he wants to know that way maybe you dont have to give alot of information but just enough to satisfy him. i have never been in this situation so i cant say for sure but i think honesty would be the best option and without bashing his dad. hope mt advice helps in some way. W. mom of 4 children

Okay, let's be real about this. It's not that he really wants his father, it's that he knows saying "I don't want to be with you, I want to be at my daddy's house." causes your guts to twist and I'm sure it shows on your face. Children use emotional blackmail better than mistresses. So the trick is to know how to avoid reacting to it. This website gives you the motives behind bad behavior: http://lifematters.com/step.asp

So you need to stop it. You can offer choices BEFORE he gets to the stage where he wants to wound you with words.

You can choose to not follow instructions, throw that tempertantrum, continue the bad behavior and end up losing something

OR

you can choose to do something elst like picking out a new video, watch tv, play with a new toy, get something back (we'll get to this later)

and if he refuses to choose, then you choose for him and he's going to end up losing something. Start with his favorite things/activities first and work your way down to stripping (one item at a time) his room then leaving him in an empty room just a bed and other furniture too heavy to remove as the last resort --think, losing his freedom.

AND if he's lost his toys then he can't play with anyone elses in the house that means staying out of sibling's rooms. No tv includes watching with you in the evenings. Staying in his room means he gets none of the treats he would normally have in an evening.

Once he's familiar with choices then you can say: "Your father chose to leave and he chooses to stay away. It's not a reflection on you or me. He just made a bad choice and it cost him us."

I know it's hard. I know that you're probably dealing with a huge amount of emotions with this but it's very important to be stone cold at this point. Poker Face MOM. No emotion. This takes practice, you won't get it right the first time.

Now are you setting 20 minutes aside everynight to read to him? Do that everynight from now on. Check out books from the library, write some yourself on construction paper, or ask his teacher to send a few from the school library home. This time will only be for you two even if younger children or older come along.

Here's how we do it here. They 3 year old starts his bath at 8, then dressing for bed, and books until 8:30 then he's off to bed. Then the 6 year old gets into the bath, 5 minutes, dressing Then books for 20 minutes.

If you need another positive pre bed time activity, send me a message and I'll outline PCIT to rebuild your fracturing relationship.

I know it can be hard at that age to make them understand things like that,but just keep trying to talk to him. I know you seem like you are saying the same things over and over but all you can do is keep trying. Maybe if you have a way of contacting the dad you could let your son try calling for himself and that way he can see for himself that dad will not talk to him. I know that is the riugh way to do things somethimes but sometimes that is the only way to show them. When and if you do it that way you need to be very supportive of him because it may break his heart at first or he may be angry at first. I hope this can help and I wish you well

M.

I would be honest with him. It is important to keep him talking about it so he grows up with a true understanding of the situation and doesn't hold things inside. It will help him to feel he can comfortably ask you questions and not feel resentment toward you.

I would definately lay down the law on "the wanting dad and not you". It is so hard for him! Tell him unfortunately that is not an opion and he is not going to punish you for something that was out of your control. He obviously already has some resentments (I can't blame him) and will take it out on the safest person-YOU! Tell him you wish it was different too. Get his participation and ask him.."how can we get through this and make it better" He might appreciate you listening to him and giving him a tad control of his happiness.

Also, he's not to young for a therapist. It doesn't mean he's sick...just maybe someone besides mom can get down deeper to his feelings.

Hi Tammi,

I have to tell you I totally disagree with Debra about your sons actions. I would not label them as bad, because it is a natural thing for a young boy to want his absent father. It is inate in them. My son's dad left us when he was 5 and from the time he was 6 until he turned 15 he never heard a word from him. One thing I wanted to make sure of was that my son didn't think it was him that drove his dad away. When he started asking the why questions I just told him his dad loved him very much he just didn't know how to show it and sometimes good people just make bad choices. I also did not want my son to harbor any resentful or hate feelings toward his dad (they are miserable feelings to bear). So regardless of my feelings, I never talked bad about him to my son. I wanted him to keep an open heart because you never know what is going to come later in life. And sure enough, when my son was 15 he got back in contact with his dad, and now they are building a friendship. Does his dad deserve it? Ofcourse not, but my son does. The day his dad e-mailed him and told him he was proud of him was a day of many mixed emotions for my son. But when I asked him if he was glad he had contact with him, I could see it on his face that he was. The desire for a dad's love can't be taken away from a boy. That's why I think it is important not to close the door on a relationship between the two by telling him he won't ever see him again. One day they both might need each other.

As far as how your son is reacting toward you, I think it is just the hurt and confusion in his little life and that is the only way he knows how to express himself. I can't imagine wanting to punish him as Debra suggests when he makes comments about his dad. Yes his word hurt sometimes. But he probably loves you more than he will ever be able to tell you. And even if his dad did come back into his life, when your son is scared, or hurt, or worried, or even experiencing the best time of his life, it is his mom he is going to be calling for. That's just the way it is! God Bless you and your son & daughter.

I was in this position myself. Only difference is, it was when I was the child. I always wondered why my dad never saw me, or called, or anything. My mom sat me down when i was about 5 and explained that mommy and daddy aren't friends anymore and right now daddy needs to learn to be a grown- up. She told me that when he was ready, he would be my daddy again. However, I can say I am now 25 with a 17, 15, and 7 year old half sibblings and he STILL isn't a grown-up. The best thing my mom did for me, and I believe you can do for your child, is be completely honest with him and don't bad mouth his father. It will all come together eventually. You son will thank you, as I do my mom, when he's older. Good luck and let us know how it works out!

As a preschool teacher, I have seen many other children with similar situations. The most well adjusted kids were the ones who's mom or dad kept thier explanations simple and to the point. One little boy told me "My mom and dad made me, but my mom choose not to be a mom, so now I just have my dad and my other family" I particularly liked that fathers explanation because the most common form of guidance in daycare and preschools is offering choice and letting the child learn from the consequences of that choice. By using the words "Your mom choose", his dad was able to explain it to his son without sugar coating and without bad mouthing mom. The kid also knows that his mom made a choice not to be his mom and that she is responsible for her choice in the same way he is responsible for the consequences of his choices.

You need to be honest with him. If he is old enough to ask about his dad then he is old enough to know. Don't lie to him it will only cause problems with the 2 of you. Tell him without hurting him. My daughter is almost 20 months old and I am going to have to go thru the same thing when she gets older. We can't help it how these men are but we can do what is best for our children.