I Need Help - Magna, UT

Hi A.,
I don't know if it's an option for you, but have you looked into getting an au pair? It's often either comparable or less expensive than daycare, and may offer you some relief.

Warmly,
S.

How about getting them in a rec center off-track program? They need structure as well as consequences. Sounds like they are trying to get your attention and need more strict discipline as well as know exactly what is expected. Natural consequences, like are they cleaning up their own mess? Or when you get sleep you can spend quality time with them. If you don't sleep, you can't function properly and you'd rather not spend time overseeing them cleaning up their big messes!

First off, your kids are old enough to know better. My kids are younger than yours and I know that they know better than to do stuff like that. I would start taking away priviliedges and making them clean up the messes they choose to make. I tell my kids all the time that they can make their own choices but they loose the right to choose the concequence (good or bad). You might have to jerk knots in their tails to get them to change their behaviour. Good luck and hang in there~

Your kids NEED something constructive and time consuming to do....
Try this...
Make envelopes with money in the (a dollar or some quarters) and write a household chore on the outside of the envelopes. FOr example...
"windex bathroom mirrors" on the envelope and 50 cents inside.
The key is that they cannot have the contents until the job is done.
You can come up with 12 jobs easily and spend $6 or so....
The kids are busy, the house is orderly and you get sleep.
ALso, setting a timer and telling them that you will be up in this time period is helpful.
I have 7 kids and this worked GREAT with the baby was an infant and I NEEDED a two hour nap!
It gives them a sense of accomplishment as well as a window as to when they will get their Mom's attention.
(I worked graveyards for 4 years...God bless you!)

Hi A.,

Lots of advice already, but I had to throw in my two cents. It sounds as if you are doing the best you can for your family, you obviously care or you wouldn't have written your post. I think when you are sleep deprived, it's hard to think clearly and develop a plan. So here are my ideas:

First and foremost, you need a schedule for them. Given their ages, I assume all but the 4 year old can read. So having a daily to do list would be good. I think you would benefit from a schedule time to sleep, so during that time, they need to have quiet activities- tv, video games, etc. That way they don't watch all day, but do have a little time for that and you can sleep.

I would also sit down with them and come up with activities they like to do- it seems like if kids have to think of something to do on the spot, they never have a good idea and that's when things get messy! So have them write down each activity on a separate paper (puzzles, books, coloring, play doh, whatever). Have it be a fun activity and decorate each paper. Then have the papers in a box marked "activities to do", and also have a box next to it marked "completed activities".

So if you have a posted schedule- breakfast, activities, chores, lunch, activities, quiet time, etc. they will have some structure in their day and it should go smoothly. Having a reward or consequence to go along with completing the above could help as well.

Hope that helps. And I hope you get some sleep soon!!

Hi A.,
I do feel for you. do you know anybody that would be able to help you with the kids in the morning so you can get some sleep? how about your mother is she home in the mornings? maybe she can help you. Ithink you should find a family member that could help you with kids so you can sleep. i hope this helps you out.

I totally am not a big TV or video games supporter. In fact, quite the opposite. My kids count it a special treat to watch TV and actually count how long it's been since the could. All that said to say, we've had a lot of doctors appointments with our one son, and like you, I can't always afford babysitting. I have found that our oldest will happily spend hours and sometimes all day playing with his Leapster. He's actually learning things from it, too! I know it wouldn't work all day everyday, but it might give you a few hours of peace, and you could limit it only to times when you're sleeping and need the peace. Just be prepared for the battery cost. We have found keeping the music off helps some in that area.

I think not everyone realized you literally mean your kids are out of school right now because they are in a year round school with a track system.

You need to talk to other parents and arrange a coop system so they take care of your kids for a few hours each day and you can sleep and you take care of the kids in the afternoons.

Otherwise you may be stuck. Your kids are too young to be expected to go all day without any parental supervision. Can your husband take a few hours or days off to help until you can set up something with other parents from the school?

by the way, it is not a good plan for your 4 yr old to be home alone with you while you are asleep anyway. Other families must also have younger kids and might be willing to work out a few days babysitting each week on a longer term basis.

Play dates with friends - even if it's just one child at a time, perhaps separating them will keep them out of trouble (does with my two boys). Like someone else said, a coop arrangement with other friends, although that would require you do the same - maybe in the evening?

A.,

That sounds rough! You are obviously working hard and deserve your sleep, and a little help around the house is in order. Kids aged 7-13 can do a lot, but the trouble is motivating them. I have found helpful resources at www.LoveandLogic.com. They have a parenting system based on empathy and natural consequences. The kids learn to be responsible, and you are not the bad guy. Check it out; they have books, CDs, classes, etc. Hope it helps. It's helped a lot of parents.

C. H.

I can certainly appreciate your need for work and sleep and not being able to afford daycare. My response is to read any of the Parenting with Love and Logic books by Jim Fay and Dr. Foster Cline. It talks about how to set loving limits with your kids, still taking care of yourself, and gaining back a calm home environment.

It isn't reasonable to expect yourself to care for kids and get your normal sleep at the same time. Who thought up that arrangement? Really, I think in order to solve this problem, you would need to make a drastic change (for example, having hubby change jobs to something better-paying so you could raise the kids), not a little change (teaching them to be quieter or neater).

Not to scare you, but there was a recent case in CO where the night shift mom fell asleep during the day while supervising her kids, and the kids got in a tight spot and died because they were unsupervised. So what I'm saying is, it's not reasonable to expect someone to get their sleep and be awake at the same time.

This isn't something I would normally recommend, as I think optimally you want to keep kids on a regular schedule; but desperate times call for desperate measures. If none of the other things work, you might try pushing their bedtime back until midnight or even later so that you can get some extra sleep and your husband can help ride herd over the kids for some of their waking hours. If nothing else, maybe it will make him more symphathetic towards your plight. Try to work it out so that you can each get at least six hours of good sleep, as opposed to you getting three and him getting eight! It's not a great solution, but sometimes you just have to do the best you can given the situation.

Very Best Wishes,

A.

A.,
It sounds like it is time to enjoy your little family. They are going to grow up so quickly...you want to have no regrets. If I were you, I would stop working. I know you may not want to hear that. There was a time when my husband got "furloughed" from his workplace, a fancy word for being fired. I was worried! But I had complete trust and faith in him that he could provide for our family, and he did. He is now happier than ever. Unless your husband is physically unable to work, LET HIM!! And just trust that things will be o.k. Enjoy your family and don't let these year slip past you....you want to look back on your life when you are old and gray saying, I gave my children my all, I devoted myself to them, look at them now!! It might be a hard decision at first to let go of working, but you will LOVE it!! Trust me! (sorry if I said too much here!)

Everyone has had such good advice so far. I agree, you definitely sound sleep deprived and nothing is going to work correctly until you come up with a plan that allows you to get sufficient sleep.

I think you need to sit down with your husband tonight and talk to him about this. I would imagine once he hears your point of view he will be less critical about the housework/dinner etc.

Some structure will definitely help with the kids, they sound bored and also like they know at this point you are probably too tired to really get after them so they are pushing the limits. I have found that daily chores have helped so much as it eats up about 45 minutes, keeping the kids occupied and the house is much cleaner! We just have a job candy jar, they get a piece of candy if they do all their jobs, this is a big motivator for them.

I also think you need to lay down the law with them- they are old enough to know better. It's hard when you are so tired! Everything will work out a lot better if you are getting some sleep, even just a nap in the afternoons-- see if you can arrange a playdate, hire a sitter for 2 hours, have Grandma come by,etc so you can sneak in a nap.

When a parent is not present mentally, then you can always expect things to go wrong.
I say sit down with your husband and figure out a different plan. Sounds like graveyard isn't working for you or your family. You cannot live sleep deprived and they need you there and present mentally.
They need you to help with homework, help them stay on track. 9 is too young to expect them to be a grown up.
Sorry, not to sound harsh but if it is causing disruption then maybe you need to consider part time work while they are in school if you cannot afford daycare, see if you qualify for daycare assistance even.
They need supervision, they need a grown up to hold them accountable and over see the activities.
You cannot give kids paint and not expect them not to go crazy if you are asleep. It is also a dangerous situation if something were to happen.

I am not chastizing you, I am a single mom with two kids and I get sometimes we have to earn money and do things regardless just to keep our heads out of water, but if this situation isn't working you have a husband that owes it to you and your family to sit down and figure out how it can better work out. I am reading you need sleep, which of course you do, for your healthy and sanity. However you cannot expect a child that is wide awake to work around your schedule either. It doesn't sound like this is working at all.

If the kids feel they are being ignored, not having to do what they should at home that will overflow sometimes into school work. They need to be held accountable for their actions.

My suggestions is look for work from 8 to 3 or something so you are there when they get home from school, find a state funded preschool program for your 4 year old so it staves off daycare costs.