C.B.
Hi M.,
I'm so sorry you are having a hard time! I've been through some similar difficulties recently, though only with one. I went through a period of dreading certain things, morning routine, bedtime routine, naptime. I felt just awful, I didn't want to be around my own son. I felt sort of traumatized, and so I saw myself starting to give up on enforcing rules. My son (2yrs 9 months now)has already figured out that he can just laugh at me if I get angry or put him in the "thinking chair". He realizes that he is in control at that point, and that is the heart of the struggle to begin with.
What I learned is that yelling and time outs are not effective (you know that already). Since it is about control for them, a different approach could be in order. You might try to think more along the lines of natural consequences (if they can't be responsible with toys, they don't get them, for example, or if they take too much time to follow directions, there won't be time for the fun activity of choice that would otherwise follow). If you literally put all the toys out of reach, they will get it quick. Calmly and clearly explaining why is a key part of this, the other part is absolute consistancy. Then you could discuss what would have to happen for the toys to come down (no throwing, clean them up, one toy at a time). Next might come a trial run, one toy per child. When they treat it with respect, clean that one up and put it away, they can have another. The idea is try to be matter of fact, not flustered (takes practice!).
Another thing I have implemented with great success is the sticker chart. I made one with pictures of my son doing the expected activities. For us, this was for the morning routine. After each activity, (potty, dressing, brush teeth and coat/shoes) he gets to put a sticker on the chart, and I gave him a choice of the sticker he wants (giving them choices is a general good technique for reducing some difficult behaviors since it gives them a sense of having some control). After potty and dressing, he gets a reward based on the fact that there is time for it when he cooperates. This is milk and 15-20 minutes of his favorite cartoon, and I also put a picture of him enjoying this reward on the chart. For you, pictures of each of them playing appropriately, cleaning up a toy and cooperating in some other way that is an issue might help.
I have also started letting my son know that he will need to use a "regular voice" if he wants me to understand his requests. He knows this to mean no whining and using "Please". Negative natural consequence, they don't get what they want with whining (whether it is an object, your help or your understanding), and reward for expected behavior, a response from you, and a positive one at that. It also helps to notice and comment often when you see the kids doing desirable behaviors, but this really needs to be specific, like "wow, you really asked very nicely" or "you cleaned up very well" as opposed to "you're being such a good boy", which is too vague). It helps a lot to creat an environment where positive behaviors result in attention rather than negative ones.
For me, another aspect is thinking through what is reasonable to expect, what is age appropriate, and what expectations fit with my son's personality. he is very active, and if I don't get him outside by 10 AM, he starts getting agitated, over rambunctious, and it starts to wear me down. It may help to be sure they get to burn off enough energy. Also, if they have plenty of excercise, they sleep better. Speaking of sleep, you could apply the same ideas to create a morning routine for them and include a reward for being quiet and gentle, and if the older one reads numbers, you could give instructions about when they can get you up based on what the clock says.
I also realized my son was not getting enough sleep, since the nap at daycare had decreased (he just started sleeping less at daycare when I took him out of diapers), so I gradually adjusted his bedtime. Interestingly he started sleeping a bit later once I put him to bed earlier. Kids seem to have natural rhythym. Just something else to consider. It has taken me some practice, because it does require discipline, I find it hard to be so rigid and consistent (and not to give in when I hear yelling, crying or kicking and screaming). I have to force myself to get up every time when he does not follow directions, and gently steer him in the right direction. This would be so true for you with them throwing toys. I always give my son a second chance and a warning so he knows what to expect. Too many chances sends the wrong message. Once you take away something a couple of times, and basically ignore the screaming and crying except to calmly explain what happened, they learn. I do this with throwing food too, it's hard but only takes couple of times. Part of this is the clear explanation on your thinking, for example "since you keep throwing that toy, you must be finished palying with it" or I see you must be full since you're playing with food" then take the plate away, and that's it. They should get a sense that there is reasoning, it gives them choices, and they don't just see you as being mean.
Ah, sorry to write so much, but I have gone through this struggle and I have really had success (with setbacks) and I can now enjoy my son again. I feel a lot less angry, and more sure of myself as a parent than I did two months ago. If you ever doubt what you are doing, try to remember that they need you to be in charge, and they need you to expect respect from them, and that they will both feel better about themselves when they behaved in a more controlled way (people will even join the army to get this kind of pride).
Finally, here is a book recommendation from a parenting expert who is the Mom of a friend of mine, which I have only just started reading.
Parenting Young Children : Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (Step) of Children Under Six (#14302) (Paperback)
> by Don Dinkmeyer Sr. (Author), Gary D. McKay (Author), James S. Dinkmeyer (Author), Don Dinkmeyer Jr. (Author), Joyce L. McKay (Author)
I would be very interested to hear about what works and does not work for you. Parenting is always a work in progress! I hope the best for you!
C.
