Screaming, Whining, and Throwing

It helped me SO MUCH to approach things in a playful style. When you dangle "fun" in front of a youngster, they can't help but join in. It can be hard to make the shift in learning how to do it though. A good start is "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen.

I remember at 3 yrs, it worked like magic to just slap my hands across my face and then peek out with a fun, inviting look on my face. He'd change moods like a light switch. Another thing I would do is revese psychology "you can throw your toys around, but DON'T TOUCH this ball! Ever." and zoom he'd be on it. You can talk in a voice - any badly done accent or children's character will work. Robot voice is great. Or have what he is throwing "talk" - hey! why are you throwing me? You silly!! Balls are for throwing. Can you find me a ball?"

One other way to look at is that his throwing and whining are expressing his negative emotions. Figure out what he's upset about, you probably can even ask questions that he will tell you, and then respond to them. "you'd rather be playing than eating? Oh! that would be cool! Hey - I know! Let's eat fast and then you can be back to playing super quick. I'll even count to see how many numbers it takes."

Another good book is "How to Talk so Kids will Listen". I was really amazed how much it helped. Most often I would think "this would never make a difference" but then I tried it anyway just to see, and more often than not, it did help.

p.s. He probably will be much better at Grandma's anyway. Mine always were.

Just don't give in.
Then you teach him HOW to communicate.
For me, I state the obvious to my kids: "If you act like that Mommy will not cooperate." Then I walk away.
Again, this is an age that is not easy, but you really need to teach a child how to communicate, how to know their feelings, and how to express it all..... grumpy or happy feelings or not. If not... you will have an older child, that still does not know how to do that. It is a learned skill. Not instinct.
Teaching a child 'emotional' navigation... is even more important and crucial... than just teaching them 'punishment' or rules.
There are adults even, that can't even express themselves nor manage their frustrations. Because they weren't taught as a child or were always told to be quiet.

It takes time... not just 1 week.
A toddler is a lump of coal... not yet a diamond.
They are like a rock collecting moss....
It will not happen in 1 week.

ALSO keep in mind, that a child this age, does not even have full impulse-control developed, yet.

Next, start having him HELP you clean up.... and pick things up. Just start that now. My son is 3... I was having him do that from before 3. Just in a small way... but if he makes a mess or throws something at me on purpose... he has to... help clean up. And that we are FAMILY.... and a TEAM. My son, cooperates more, when I say "teamwork..."

What I has also done on occasion is: if my son, threw food/stuff on the floor... then I'd say "You threw stuff on the floor. I think I will leave it there all day, so when Daddy comes home he can see it.... and I will explain why it is on the floor, still."
THAT, really gets my son.... more cooperative.
He also realizes, I will NOT instantly clean up "his" mess... nor get upset by it. Because, then, it turns into a battle.

all the best,
Susan

We are so there right now. The happy screaming is a phase-- I'd not make too big of a deal out of it, just maybe say that inside we use inside voices and redirect, or take him out side and let him scream. It will pass. The food thing happens here too... and when it does, dinner is over. Immediately. He has to go into the other room while we finish eating, and there is no more food that night.

For the whole toy throwing thing, I'm probably a little strict. I don't even allow balls to be thrown indoors.... I say "Balls are for rolling inside." Outside, he can throw balls as much as he likes. Can you guess that we spend a lot of time outside? :-) I think going outside is the answer to many toddler problems.

He'll be better at grandmas, and anyway, she actually knows what *she* is doing, having been through the terrible twos at least once and everyone is still alive.... :-)

Sounds like you need to be more discipline. He's old enough for a time out......and he's old enough to be separated from people when he does these things.
Sit down and tell him that you are not going to put up with this anymore....I know, he's 2, but it's good to talk to him anyway........

Then you need to first stop him from doing what he is doing by either stopping or taking away.......if he is just yelling tell him to stop.....count 1-2-3....slowly, if he does not, then put him in his room or a corner or something until he stops.......for a minute or two.........if he stops, then let him out........if he goes back and does whatever it was, the again.....put him in his room or whatever you did before.........Being consistent is what is going to stop him.....knowing that if you say something, if you count, you mean business. My girl friend, now says do you want a time out, but her son is 4.....and he will say no and stop.........if he doesn't, he has a bench he must sit still on.......

You'll find out what works, if you have too, take away his toys as well, saying you're sorry, but he's not being a big boy, and until he can stop doing whatever it is he is doing, the toy goes away for a day......

Hang in there and good luck.........just be strong and let him know you mean business.

When he starts throwing food,dinner is over for him. Tell him that is is time to go to bed. You need to follow through or he will keep doing it. Get up from the dinner table and say it is time to go to bed and carry him to the bedroom. Do not threaten,just do it and he will know you are serious. It may take a few times but he will get the point. Have him also help you clean up at the end of the meal if there is a mess or if he he makes one. You do not need to yell just say lets go,your are helping mommy clean up. Follow through on that also. Good luck

We've established he's very strong willed- as in super duper 3 years old an very uninterested in not doing these things- normal since he's been allowed to form the habits. Based on your post it sounds like he doesn't get negative consequences for the actions. Not picking up the cups etc is just not reacting-aka ignoring-rather than teaching he is totally not allowed to do it.

Don't focus on each separate thing he's doing as a different challenge. Focus on teaching him to mind your warnings, and it will teach him the right actions.

Pick your firmest most effective consequence, as few words as possible, very brief at this age, and EXTREMELY unpleasant, so he chooses to avoid it at your warning. Use it every time for your second warning for whatever you're warning about. The consistency is key. If you use all different things at all different times, or things not very undesirable, he'll gamble, and it will take much longer for him to tire of the routine. Time outs will allow him to continue doing most of these things (especially whining and tantrumming) in the time out. Ignoring leaves it up to him how long he feels like acting like this. At 3? Already too long.

Make sure your home environment is very positive and loving, so his firm discipline stands out as a black and white lesson. If he's constantly getting punished (doesn't sound like he is) he'll be immune, and discipline won't matter to him.

If you make it about your warning, you can be more flexible. For instance, sometimes I let my kids scream in the house. If the weather was bad, they've been in all day, they just ate an energizing dinner, they feel like running wild and screaming? Fine. But as soon as I SAY no screaming in the house, they stop right away.

When he begins one of the behaviors, give him one chance to stop with a calm firm warning. When he decides to continue, zap! Calm firm consequence. He starts to whine-dont' let it escalate, one calm warning, "No whining." He continues to whine, ZAP! Repeat as necessary. Throwing stuff. One calm warning, "Do not throw food". He throws it anyway, ZAP! Repeat as necessary. Same for "No screaming in the house".

NO grudges, on with the postive day, he's only bringing the consequence if he chooses to, you're not angry. Don't ask a hundred times and get mad, or he'll learn not to begin to listen until you're getting mad. It boils down to enforcing what you say, and it will become natural to him to react to your warnings without discipline, and soon after he'll just want to do the right thing, not throw food etc. And he'll know whining is wrong, and when he starts, he'll quit when you remind him. My kids hate to hear kids whine. They forget they tried their best to start the habit.

It takes a lot of diligence at first-it's not for the lazy-and at 3, his habits are pretty deeply ingrained so you'll need consistency and it will get worse at first since he'll rebel against you taking charge, but it will click. You only have one week-you will not have it conquered by then at age 3, he's too mature and set in his ways, but you will have a good strong start. It will even become lighthearted and much easier over the next few weeks if YOU really do it.

We never allowed whining or tantrums, and at 2 1/2 my son never throws them, but the other day on a hot sticky day he had a cold and he wanted his juice, and it was after nap time, and I was engrossed in doing the bills and he started sort of whining for some juice. Immediately I said, "Hey, No whining." Usually that's the end of it, but he was so beside himself he laid down on the floor and did the "subdued whimper" so I said, "Oh, what??! Do I hear a customer trying to order a Smackeroni and Cheese?" and he hopped up laughing and went into the other room. Easy now, but it took diligence to get to that point. (and by the way, letting im whine and tantrum wouldn't be making him more creative and expressive, he is VERY expressive and communicates better without tantrums mucking up the water. The hubs and I were never allowed tantrums, and we're both very secure and expressive people)

Because he nipped it right away despite all the reasons to whine, I stopped the bills and went and got him the juice and a hug and set him up in his room all cozy. He knew the choice was black and white. Be firm!

I am guessing you have tried time outs and they are not working? Time outs worked great for my kids, but there were some behaviors they did not really affect. I did sticker charts for these behaviors. You can decide the details, but something like this: he must get through one week without yelling or throwing food, and then he will receive a prize. You could have him earn a sticker for each day for NOT having the behavior, or you could count up the stickers and tell him he has to earn five or ten total, any ideas you want to do would work, as long as the prize is something he really wants! Since he is young, you have to explain this often. Google free chore charts and have him choose his character (Scooby Doo, Spongebob, etc) so that he is involved in this deal. You can print these out and you are ready. If he does extinguish the behavior, make the goal higher the next time. I would time out the whining with one warning each time and be consistent. Tell him you cannot listen to it and he will have to sit for at least 3 minutes or until he can stop whining. Hope this helps! Good luck!