I Need Advice on Sibling Rivalry

My 4 1/2 yr old son and his 5 year old friend fight constantly yet, they want to be together. It drove me nuts!! Every day all day. So finally I had to tell the mom no more visits. My son has never been this way with any other friend. No you can't send one away :), but during the process of this I asked his teacher what she did with her kids while they were going through this stage. She said she would make them sit on the front steps and they had to sit there until they were smiling and then they still couldn't get up until she was smiling. This worked for her and I think it's a great idea. She also noticed that they would be playing fine together in one room alone, but when they could see her they would start arguing. She would step out of their site and all would be good! Kids! I would say it's just a stage ( a frustrating one though). I see some of this in my son and his sister who is only 22mnths. Very minor right now, but can't imagine how it will be as they grow older. UGH!! Good luck!!

P., I have the same scenario. My new response, "Well, I guess you two will have to work it out." I say this to the two kids, ages near 5 amd just 3, lately and walk away. Of course if they hurt each other they both go to time out. They just look at each other. Sometimes they continue but they usually follow me to the next room getting them distracted. The second thing, KEEP THEM BUSY! Make them go out and play with you watching from a distance. They will rely on each other more and get a sense of freedom. Its cute actually. If you ever had siblings, this is a lifelong experience for them. The fighting has only begun, but the friendship will be forever tight if they are allowed to work it out for themselves. Best of luck!

P.,
This is very normal! I went through this when my kids were little, they were only 1 yr and 24 days apart. They fought alot!! They are now grown and for the most part get along very well. Teach them to share. As they get older the not sharing thing will get even worse. Not sharing is an awful habit because that will definately get worse. I know this because I did not make my kids share for a few years of their life and as my daughter got older she wouldn't even share her, lets say nachos at an outing. If she didn't want her nachos, she would just throw them in the trash instead of offering them to me or anyone else that was with us. My mother actually stepped in and changed this habit in my daughter's life. My son has always been a very giving and more patient person. Anyway, this is just a part of their growing up together. It will change as they grow up. Continue to let them know that this is unacceptable behavior even though it may not get any better at this time.I promise they will grow out of it.
God Bless you,
L. Jacobs

I have a similar situation, but with two boys, 4 and 7. They fight over possession of things, toys, air, anything...all the time. I am always asking other Moms - do your kids get along? And whether they're lying or not, I have never had one (not one!) say their kids don't get along at all. So even though this may not help you - you've already helped ME by sharing your story!

One thing I'll say for "us" is that you probably, like me, cultivate their individuality, and also let them be themselves rather than "forcing" them to like each other (you LOVE your little brother, don't you Johnny?). This might not help the rivalry but I think it will make them better people over the long haul...

I read the book "Siblings Without Rivalry", and one of the things it said was to respect each person's possesions. I think that backfired in our case - now they are so into "mine" they rarely share anything.

The other thing the book says is to not try to always make it "even" for your kids. This is hard to practice, but it does matter, I think. Sometimes one kid needs underwear, and the other one doesn't. You don't need to buy the other one underwear just to make it "even".

What I'm trying to do now is downplay the importance of possessions (for me and for them) and play up time together, playing outside or in the pool together, etc. That has been the only thing that has helped - a little. It sounds a little cliche, but I helped build the importance of possession in their minds and now I'm working to dissolve that importance.

The other thing that I've tried (and had some success at) is when they're saying how much they hate each other (come on, folks, you know they all say it) we all sit down together and they have to come up with at least one thing that they like or appreciate about the other person.

This has had some surprising results - my 7 year old saying that he loves that his brother has so much energy (translation: always screaming, yelling, getting physical and generally running us ragged). But my son hit it right on the head - my little one is passionate about EVERYTHING and brings great energy to that passion. Sometimes this little exercise backfires, but always we end up smiling. It's worth a try.

And this won't help you right now, but as they get older it does get a teeny tiny bit better.

I'm interested to see what the other Mammas have to say!

I grew up with seven brothers and I don't remember any of us having sibling rivalry. My daughters never have had this sibling rivalry that you are talking about either. I think for one thing your son is jealous of the time you are home with his sister while he is away. Maybe you could work it so you have plan special activities that just the two of you can enjoy. I am going to give you some advice my Mom gave me. Make special time for each child. Do something with them at their age level. Involve the oldest in things that the youngest can not do yet. Make sure that they both have a fare share of your time. She said as long as I make them both feel special and don't talk about what you did with one while the other was not present. This can also cause problems. Very seldom did my brothers fight. Mom had tight control on things. I know it was hard for her to give us each our own time but she sure did try hard to do it. I remember my special time with Mom was when she would make the boys all go in the other room and she would wash and brush my hair and then put it in ringlets. We would talk about what ever I wanted to talk about. I knew I had a half hour of her time every day for Mom and daughter time. But then my Dad whenever he was home made time for each of us whenever he could also. He would let me go out in the garage and work on tractors with him or whatever he was working on and talk to me about what I was doing in school, etc.. The boys all got turns cooking in the kitchen with Mom. We took turns going to town with Mom or Dad. I really feel one on one time is very important. Even if you have to get someone to keep your youngest for a half hour or so. I really think giving your son his own special time will solve your problems. Good Luck!

We'll my kids are only 27 months and 8 months -- so the 8 month old doesn't know any better yet. I'm already trying to lay groundwork w/ the 2 year old who assumes all of the toys are his. I let him know when he says MINE that actually that toy is his sisters and she is being such a wonderful sister and sharing and he should get one of his toys and give it to her to share too.

Your'e email is scary! YIKES I know there is more of this to come! One of the other posters reminded me of something my dentist just told me he does with his kids who are older than mine.

You tell them to work it out amongst themselves AND add that 'you don't want me to get involved!'. He said that little threat makes him the bad guy (which he doesn't mind) and it actually bonds the two kids (against the common enemy!).

Good luck! If you figure out what to do - post so the rest of us know!

My son is 21 months and my dau is 11..they fight all morning on the way to school. it is something they will go thru but I bet no one else can pick on the kids. I have 5 bros and sis. We faught young but now we are close and so are our children. Just teach them to compromise and share but for the most part let them go at it the 3yr old needs to learn to respect the 5yr old. trust me they love each other more than you can know or understand