I am 23 years old and I have 2 kids, 3 and 16 months. I had a miscarriage on October 30, 2006. I talked about the miscarriage for about 2 weeks after it happened then I just shut down and did not talk about it anymore. I wanted my husband to talk to me about how he felt and he didn't so I just shut down and did not want to bother anyone with how I felt. I think that now it is taking a turn for the worse on our marriage. I feel so distant to my husband and I feel like there is not return in our marriage. I have tried but every one tells me that I am depressed because of the miscarriage and that I need to go talk to a counselor. But I don't think that I am depressed I think that I am stressed. I have no idea what to do. If any one has any suggestions please let me know. There are other problems in our marriage also but we are trying to work through them.
I just want to thank each and every one of you that has posted a response. They have all helped me. I did not know how I was gonna deal with this more less get thru it. I felt like I was all alone. I guess that is how you feel when you are depressed. I am doing better day by day. Me and my husband are also doing better with our relationship. I talk to him more and he releases his feelings more to me. I finally sat down the other night and talked to him and told him exactly how I feel for the fourth time. But this time I was being honest with myself. I had been telling him for about a week and half that I love him but I was not in love with him anymore. I know that it hurt him when I told him that but at the time I did not care. I was hurting and I wanted some one else to hurt with me. So I guess I chose him. But he told me the other night that he just wanted to be strong for me and I told him that I do not need him to be strong for me, that I needed him here for me. He understood that. I also told him that it is not him that I fell out of love with. I had fallen out of love with myself. I kept blaming myself for the miscarriage and trying my best to find out a way that I could have done things differently. I could never come up with anything. I know that the miscarriage was not my fault, It was just meant to be for some reason that I may never know. But I am ok with that. I want to thank you guys again. All of the responses did help.
There is a support group calledbreif encounters that was helpful to me. I don't remember the # but if you call OHSU and talk to the social worker on the labor and delivery ward they could give it to you.
I had two miscarriages before I had my son 11 months ago. So I completely understand where you are coming from. My husband and I didn't talk about it because he didn't know what to say to me and I didn't want to talk about it either. Unfortunately I was "stressed" after the baby came and just wanted to be alone. Well, a few months of communicating with my husband via a marriage counselor and being on an anti-depressant...things aren't perfect, but they are better.
Sometimes we need time to process how we feel about things before we can talk about them. My suggestion is YES, get help. See a doctor about your depression/stress and talk to your husband...even if it's just saying that YOU need to talk about it. Be honest and open about your feelings and try to see a marriage counselor if only to help learn how to open the lines of communication better.
Be thankful for the two beautiful babies you DO have and remember the one you lost...and if it helps to put it behind you, have a rememberance "ceremony" to honor that baby.
I feel for you but I want you to know that you aren't alone in your feelings.
Hugs.
Hi B.,I to have been there. just remember everyone deals with grieve in there own way.yours might take longer and his could be quick. its not that he didnt care he will grieve about it in his own way some need to talk through it others have there own ways. its not that he is sad im sure he is hurt very much about it and it might be hard for him to talk about it. just be patient with him and let him know if he would like to talk about it you will be there for him.as for you i think maybe you should find a councelor and start working on yourself and ask him if he would like to come and that you would very much would like that. if he says no you should still go. because i thought i wasnt depressed but it turned out that i was.and it helped me alot because i got to talk about things that he would not do with me and i got a different in sight of things our marriage the miscarriage and to this day i know that was the best thing for me i wish you nothing but good luck.and i pray for him to go as well.god bless.
Hello I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I also had one on christmas eve 2002. It is a day I will never forget. I cried and cried for days and couldn't understand why it happened. It's something you will never get over. It is important that you can talk to someone. Even if you are stressed it sounds like you have alot going on. Counseling can help you with all your different emotions. Maybe your husband will go to? I wish you all the luck and just remember time will heal your pain but you won't ever forget that child.
Hi Babrara,
I too have suffered with the pain of miscarriage twice. My husband was supportive at first and then he too withdrew. He wanted to fix me and there wasn't anything he could do to "fix" me. I took the second miscarriage very hard. I had gone in for an ultrasound to get a more accurate due date only to find that my baby no longer had a heartbeat. Friends and relatives suggested I talk to a counselor but I just couldn't. I was devastated and became very withdrawn and depressed. For me with my first miscarriage I made a memory box and my second well it has been almost a year and a half and i still have my only ultrasound up on my angel shelf. I gave her a name that only I know and I still think of her. I am currently 22wks pregnant and the fear of losing another was overwhelming at first but it is now starting to subside. Anyway the only thing that will help is time and talking about it. If you don't want to talk to a counselor look for a online support group. I found help with the ivillage support groups. I also found that for me a mothers ring with the stones of when I lost my angels and the stone of my now 8 year old son also helped. Just recognizing that they did exist and were loved even if they were only held in my heart. Hang in there. I wish the best for you.
C.
I too had a miscarriage back in May. It left me very depressed and it still bothers me thinking about it. I don't know how far along you were. I was 10-11 weeks. For me I don't think there is a way of getting over it. Talking about it helped me a lot. I understand how frustrating it can be with your spouse. Men just don't understand and never will. They don't carry the same emotions we do. I was engaged and our relationship fell apart after it happened. He told me he felt the love and affection wasn't there anymore. Men don't realize what it can do to us women. They don't go through it so it don't bother them as much. I would find someone you are able to talk to and spill your guts about it. It's painful to go through. It does take a deep part of you away and leaves you with so many un-answered questions, but just remember it's apart of life and it happened for a reason.
Hi B.,
I miscarried in Jan. 2005. It was devastating. My husband was affected too. After reading some of the other posts, I want you to know that men have feelings too but they bottle them up. I cried a lot or just went numb. When we tried to talk to each other about it, we both would break down. He wanted to try for another one very soon but I wasn't ready until May. Thankfully, I got pregnant in July and now have a healthy baby boy. However, the entire pregnancy we both worried if he'd make it or if I'd have another miscarriage. Try to talk to your husband and find out how he feels then share how you feel. If you have true depression (like me) it will improve a little when your hormones return to normal. If you have any concerns about staying in your marriage, please work out those problems before you try for another baby. Make your hubby talk to you. If you have trouble talking, write down how you feel so you can get something across to your hubby.
I've not had a miscarriage but I've know women who have. I don't know how you could not be depressed especially since you and your husband aren't talking about it. Stress is a part of depression. Your medical doctor can prescribe an anti-depressant that could help relieve the depression. But I also think that you and your husband would benefit from counseling escpecially since you're having other problems problems in your marriage. If your husband won't go you go.
I also recommend reading some of Dr. Phil McGraws books. The first one that comes to mind is titles Relationship Rescue.
Good luck to you. You are in a very hard place. There's a rock in there somewhere too. "Caught between a rock and a hard place." I'm guessing you feel stuck with no acceptable way out. Counseling helps you find more alternatives and then to know which one is best for you.
my husband & I lost a baby, it was devistating at the time, I am fully over it now & have a two year old that I would not have if we hadn't lost the baby so I think that really helps.
My husband & I felt lost after it happened though, I had a DNC surgery so I had a six week recovery time before I could even have sex again, right after the recovery time was over we had our daughter stay at the grandparents & went on a little get away just about an hour away from our house, rented a little cabin on the ocean & spent a good quality weekend together, playing board games, put put golf & walking the beach, really low key, it was a little bit of closure for us & helped us to feel close to each other again...
I'm not married but I did have a miscarriage at the begining of this year. It's hard and the pain will never go away. But with my boyfriend he took it really hard. He took care of me the first few days but then after that he went on like nothing happened. It got to the point where I didn't mention it in front of him anymore. The only way he could deal with it and not have abreak down was to move on a lot quicker then I did. Now I'm the type of person who needs to discuss eveything so his way made no sense to me but it's how he managed to stay on during that time. I'm not sure if your husband is doing the same thing or not but some guys just don't want to talk or can't. So if it's that, I hope you have a lot of other people in your life you can talk to. Good luck.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know that for myself and my fiance it took a long time before he'd even talk about it. Once he did the only thing I undestood more of was why he said we wouldn't have anymore children. That did not hold true as now we've had our son since my last m/c. If you truly try, both of you that is, you will be able to work through it. If you feel you need to see a therapist or both of you do then by all means go. However, if you don't feel ready to talk about it all (the problems you and your s/o are having)going to see one isn't going to help. I wish you the best with everything!
I haven't been married long, but what I do know is marriage is hard. It takes constant work. The question is, and only you can answer it, is the work and effort worth it? Atleast thats what I ask myself. I would highly recommend talking to someone and a counselor would be perfect. Whether you are stressed or depressed you obviously have some issues that need to be talked about and worked through. It could never hurt atleast. I hope that helps a little anyway. Good luck and I hope for the best for you.
Being depressed can feel like "stress". You don't have to feel SAD to be depressed. Focus on what you DO have.
Men can't seem to communicate all that well sometimes. I did have a miscarriage too and the same thing happened. 10 years later, I have had more babies and all the pain is gone after losing that pregnancy.
Get help for yourself, your hormones may be contributing to your stress and frustration.
Ps. I did get a divorce at your age. (23) I am now 30. I had two babies with him, now 12 and 9. I am sorry you are having problems. You need a break to clear your head. Do something for yourself!
