I Need Advice... - Chicago,IL

Maybe the girl just wants some extra attention from you? I agree with Ava...I think a lot of it may just be a 5 yr old's perspective and way of dealing with things.

I can't really tell from what you posted if the girl said that she was going to live with her dad for a long time or if she was "threatened" with that as a consequence. The mom may have been "prepping" her daughter for a summer/school year visitation schedule. I know with my daughter I tell her "a long time" after several rounds of "how long? one day, two days? THREE days?!?"

At least she's comfortable opening up to you and you can keep an ear out for anything more serious!

What I would do is ask her if the kids are going to go and live with the dad. Tell her that her daughter mentioned it and is really scared about it. And then whatever she says make sure that in your reply is that maybe she shouldn't tell the kids that as it is frightening them. Say it gently and more friendly than lecture.

The rest of the stuff I would stay out of. I have thrown my kids stuff on the floor before in anger.Sometimes your kids do drive you to that point so don't judge her (yet) on those kind of comments.

She sounds overwhelmed. I know when I was a single mom I went to work, school, home to the kids. I would never ask anyone to watch them unless I was doing one of the two. I mean they are my kids, what kind of mom would I be if I went out by myself leaving them even more, just because I needed it.

Took me about a year to figure out, because I needed it was a fine excuse. What good am I to the kids if I am yelling all the time cause I need a break, ya know?

So I would say table the discussion for a while and just see if the kids can come over for a couple hours when she is home, so she can unwind. See if the stories improve after that. If they don't then talk to her. :)

I remember when I finally got the cajones to leave my first husband. I only had one child - I can imagine how hard it must have been with two.

Yes. My ex and I got along GREAT after we no longer lived together - and we made GREAT partners in parenting - but it was STILL stressful. Yes. I yelled at my daughter. Yes. I over reacted at the littlest and the stupidest things. I had a friend come up to me and say "what's up? It's not like you to be so short." I didn't see it. I was consumed with living off my income and taking care of my child in Germany OFF BASE HOUSING that I was stressed beyond compare. That's when I took a step back and looked. I apologized to my daughter. Then I got back on track.

So maybe - just maybe - if you are friends with this W. - talk with her about how things are going. Don't come out and say "your daughter told me this" - get a cue from her about what is going on behind closed doors. If you can offer suggestions - do.

Document what her daughter says. I don't get why are you only watching the girl instead of both of them? Any way - help the daughter get HER stress out and let her know she can tell you ANYTHING. Don't judge her words - but you can start vetting out the exaggeration from the real stuff. It's okay to ask questions to clarify.

Talk with the mom...really...she may just need someone to talk with. leaving an abusive husband is hard. Especially if he was like mine and would tell me that I would NEVER make it without him. aaahhhh but I did. I DID make it without him. There's more but it's not about me. It's about her. Find out what's going on. Have some tea with her after work. You might be surprised to find that once she has a sounding board - her stress levels might go down.

If it were my child....I'd want to know. (Heck, sometimes I do wonder what my girls have said in preschool & kindergarten Disclaimer - only because I know kids love to share stories and although I'm positive my girls wouldn't have these type of stories. But sometimes I yell and am not proud of it. One time when I was volunteering in my daughters Kindergarten class a classmate told me about how her brother beat up her other brother and had to be taken away. Ya, those little eyes & ears can sometimes see too much.)

I think it if this mom were me it would have me reflecting and also open my eyes to maybe figuring out a better way to vent my frustrations. I mean sure a lot of it could be blown out of proportion. Either way I think if the mom is caring she'll either want to change a few things and/or at least have a talk with her daughter about her feelings.

I'm glad you realize she's probably exaggerating or misinterpreting a lot at this age. It drove me nuts when I was nannying and the kids would quickly explain something that happened that day, and it sounded insane compared to what really happened.

I'm sure this mom is stressed with all that is on her plate. What is your motivator for telling her? Helping the girl or helping mom or just because? If you feel close enough with the mom, I would say it would be OK to mention something. Explain that the little girl is trying to explain things to you, but gosh, she's 5 and who knows if she's getting it right. I doubt the mom will change her ways, but at least you'd know if the kids are going to be with dad or not.

With the little girl, I would just listen and that's pretty much it. Otherwise, she may be going back to mom saying that you asked her questions about daddy and mommy fighting.

Thanks for spelling "advice" right. 9 out of 10 times this same question is posted as "I need advise"... drives me nuts.

I think first I would talk to the little girl. "Wow, your mommy said/did that? Why do you think she got so mad to say that, what were you doing before Mommy said that?" Maybe you can get some more info to help you when you do decide to approach mom.

Then, I would casually bring it up in conversation: "Liz, Amy seemed a little frustrated last night, she mentioned that you are sending her away to Daddys house, she seemed so upset about it, what happened to make you say that to her?" Sounds like Mom needs someone to vent to and the only people she has to do it with are her kiddos.

Now you may not mention anything to the kids or to the mom at all but REALIZE Mommy has some frustration problems going on and you can now, with that insight, maybe help her by opening up a friendly door so she feels comfortable enough to vent to you...... that alone may take the frustration away enough for her to stop using the kids as her target.

Does she drink? It sounds to me like she might be having a few cocktails at night, alone, gets a littld tipsy and then forgets that she's wearing a mommy hat and blows all of her maternal instincts out the door and starts somewhat abusing the children, alcohol will do that to the best of us on occasion. It's easy to take something small and make it big when you are drinking, and not care who is in the fallout of your alcohol induced rage session.

i'm so glad you do understand that you're not getting the entire context. i don't think adults should assume children are lying, but that doesn't mean their perspectives and the things they pick out of listening to adults are accurate.
the mother is surely overwhelmed, afraid and frantic. i'll bet she is doing some things she won't be proud of when she returns to sanity. it doesn't necessarily mean she's an awful mother. the sleeping standing up bit is alarming. the rest of it sounds pretty par for the course. the kids MIGHT have to go stay with daddy, for visits or vacation or shared custody. she might just be trying (poorly) to prepare them.
i'd try to keep myself in the safe neutral zone, where the child has an adult to whom she can pour out her little worries, and also make myself available as a sounding board for the mom. don't pump her by asking super-leading questions, but let her know you have a teacup and a willing ear.
probably some of the stuff she's doing and saying ISN'T fair or well thought out. but she needs support, not censure. just offer that.
khairete
S.

Don't tip-off the mother and document everything the little girl says. Neither parent sounds like they are fit to have a cat let alone children.

Mom sounds abusive and like she's taking her personal problems out on the kids. I don't care if her divorce is nasty...that's not right and definitely might mean the kids aren't safe. Since the stories are coming from a toddler, you have to procede with caution. If you tell their mother they have been airing dirty laundry about her outbursts, she may punish them and turn on you out of fear of losing the kids etc.

I think I'd keep lines of communication open with the kids and not go to their mother about it. If you confront her, besides possibly punishing the kids more severely, she may just choose to cut off her/their relationship with you or anyone who can protect them and keep them safe. Sounds like these kids have no one else besides you and their parents to go to for help. If she keeps doing stuff like making them stand up to sleep, you may have to call CPS for their own safety and well-being. That is abusive. She shouldn't have access to the kids if she's hurting them. The fact that she says the kids will have to live with dad for a long time may actually be true. Maybe she's losing custody of them... who knows. I just know that if you jump to conclusions before getting the facts, you could actually do more harm than good for the kids.

Keep a watchful eye and be ready to take action if things get worse. If you do opt to confront her, have your husband do it. He's family and may have an easier time dealing with her and the situation.