I mean...would You Blame Them?

I love my children and trust their judgement. If they fell in love with someone I would want to welcome her to the family even if I didn't approve of her. How sad that his parents wasted years of everyone's lives by being narrow minded.

I wouldn't let some toothless woman come between me and my son! I would certainly question it, but if he was happy and they were happy together, I would grin and bear it. No, I wouldn't be delighted, but I would at least try to make things nice until she gave me a reason not to. The previous marriages and children would give me the greatest pause, but if it was okay with my grown son, then I would really try for it to be okay with me. Hey - ugly people want and need love too! If he's no "prize" then they shouldn't have expected him to bring home a gorgeous, brainy supermodel.

I think they were very judgmental. I would not handle it that way. I probably would not be happy about it at first but over time I would get to know her and accept her. That is a sad story - those people lost out on 20 yrs of their son's life.

What an odd question.

But I think you lost me at the "you don't come to his wedding" part.

That's awful that they didn't go, I have an awkward brother with no teeth and too many cats , I'm sure the wife he finds will gave a few crazy traits but I would accept her and his love for her and so would my parents if they were alive...... (there are a few exceptions like if he married a kkk member or a horse rapist, child pornographer. )

Not everybody can be polished and find a shiny wife also.

Totally blame them

Do you make these things up? I agree with OneAndDone and Bug - this is a very strange post and what are you talking about?

Perhaps you are the judger in this case - what's the Bible verse that says to look at the wood in your own eye rather than the splinter in someone else's?

Dawn

As a mother of two boys: that story is pathetic.

He's ugly. Ok, so what? She's ugly. Ok, so what? She's older, that's not wonderful at that young age, but then again I know nothing about this guy. If he knows who he is, if he has a good job (the Navy) and has seen a bit of the world (the Navy could provide opportunities), he could be more worldly than the average 20 year old kid. My husband is 17 years older than I am, and we are a PERFECT match. Both my dads trust him implicitly, my mom adores him, my grandpas say he's a wonderful man, my great aunt giggles and fawns over him like a school girl which is VERY funny. My brother has commented on how happy and calm I am now, when before I had a lot of anger. His family and friends, every one of them, took me aside privately to tell me that they'd never seen him so grounded, happy, and at peace, and they knew that had to do with our marriage. If that Navy guy found that, then more power to him!

Not having the money to care for your teeth properly or having children already doesn't make someone a bad person. And even if she was rude and I didn't particularly like her, I would try to deal with it, and even be a parent to her if I thought she were a lost soul, rather than cut my son out of my life. If I did not like her, or if I secretly hoped it didn't work out, all the MORE reason to be supportive and stay in his life. If I thought he was in love with someone that was playing him, I'd want to be there for him if he needed someone to turn to, or love him if the marriage ended. (Not the undermining evil mil, but someone who would be part of his life and "around"---because that is what family is supposed to be---a support system).

The ONLY reason I wouldn't go to my boys' weddings would be if they were having some exotic destination wedding where they didn't particularly want to have people......and if that were the case, I'd throw one heck of a party when they got home (my brother did that---married in Argentina, but the party at home).

If he's not seeing them, it's because they weren't supportive parents. If they're not seeing him, it's because....well, they weren't supportive parents. I think it's pathetic.

Of course I would blame the parents. How could they miss their own son's wedding? Just because he's marrying someone they don't like? (and no - I probably wouldn't be excited about my son marrying a three times divorcee almost twice his age with bad teeth) But it sounds like the parents were trying to be controlling but ended up being left out.

SOUnds like some sh*tty parents

Hmmmm, would I turn my back on my son if I didn't like his wife? No. This is 100% the parent's loss.

I think there are too many ambiguities in this post. That said:

Would I blame them? Well, was there a difficult relationship beforehand? Did the parents decide not to go to the wedding because of the bride, or were there other,older issues?

I'm not one to judge. People outside my life might think I'm a monster because I'm on the opposite end-- I haven't seen my mom for 10+ years because she won't get help with some severe mental health issues that have turned her into a very damaging person. She will never meet my family (husband and child) until she's gotten some help. She refuses....

All that to say, I can't claim to know who's to blame because I don't know what's gone down. Maybe the bride told the prospective in-laws off? Maybe the son found a female 'svengali' who warped his brain about his family. Maybe the family are nouveau riche jerks. (I was once married into a family like this! ) Who knows? It's rarely ever a clear-cut "one party is wrong, one party is right" in life anyway.

I, nor any of my siblings, married someone our parent chose, or approved of. They came to our weddings, and gave us emotional and sometimes financial support. They loved us through it all. Some of the marriages lasted, some did not, some produced grandchildren, some did not. Who is to say what makes a "good" or "successful" marriage. These were our lives to lead, not our parents'.

My two stepchildren have married people that we either hadn't even met (SS) or barely knew (SD) and we attended their weddings and welcomed them into our family. These are their lives to lead, not ours.

That's how my family works. I wouldn't know how else to do it. Who am I to judge another's love or their decisions. When my daughter chooses a partner, I will hold my tongue and give my love...

I would never turn my back on my son for any reason. If I did not approve of his choice of wife I would keep my mouth shut and support him in any way I could, and I would def. be at his wedding. It is my job to help him become a wonderful man, and once he is a man it is his own path he must choose. Just because someone may not be the one I would choose does not matter, if he loves her I will do my best to love her as well.

Obviously his parents weren't much in the parenting department. The son found a family and I'll bet he got that good woman's teeth replaced too.
I went to my daughter's wedding even though she had it on a very special celebration day in my family and I had to miss it. There is no commandment in the Bible that says your kids have to make you happy.

The parents are absolutely horrible.

This story seems ridiculous. For real? The parents are absurd, if this is even a real story. I have a hard time swallowing this one...but if it's real, the parents are in the wrong and YES you can blame them. How disgusting.

Wow. I cant' imagine not going to my son's wedding. That would break my heart. PLUS, only seeing him 4 times in 20 years. There is WAY more to this story than an ugly guy marrying an ugly girl. How can you NOT blame the parents? They are still married, 20 years later. They really missed out on something good. Their loss.
L.

Well, which do they have an issue with?

that their son is not handsome or that he's never had a girlfriend?

ummmm for the record I know EXACTLY what I'd do. But I'm one of those crazy mom's that guides their kids to make independent decisions that are good for them and then I support them. Stupid, huh?

I would never turn my back on my own flesh and blood....EVER.

The reasons seem pretty shallow. I would have to give her the benefit of a doubt for my son and make it work.

Um yeah, I would. So he married someone they didn't think was good enough for him and then proceeded to cut him out of their lives? For 20 years? That's heartless, judgmental, and cold. Good for him for finding someone who, based on the length of the marriage, has apparently been a good match for him and a good wife. Shame on the parents - life is too short to be so shallow.

I have a friend who was in a situation like that. He was not cute in any way when he was younger, married a woman older than him. She also had children from previous marriage. 15 years later, divorced. He has 2 kids with her. He is now in his mid 40's, has moved overseas within 10 years. Is looking a lot better than when he was in his 20's (pictures that I've seen), and has married a very beautiful Italian woman. Keeps in touch with step children and biological children. Overall a wonderful person.
The young guy shouldn't be shut out by his parents. It's his life, they raised him, made their peace with him, let him figure out his mistakes now. He will most probably need their mental support in the future. But keep the peace with him.

From you post, I can't see any reason for the parents to have nothing to do with their son for the next 20 years (or seeing him so few times in that 20 years). If there is more to the story, maybe, but as a mom I can't imagine it...regardless of his choice in women.

I'm sorry that the parents treated their son that way. We have a similar, but different story in our family. My brother was good looking before he joined the Navy. But he was even better looking after basic training. He was backwards with girls though, still is and he's nearly 50. Anyway, he brings home this woman that's 15 years older than him. She was ugly as sin then, a pathalogical liar, and had a trail of kids, some of which had died under questionable circumstances. He has 2 more children with her and ends up raising the girls and fighting with her off and on through the years.

I could not stand the woman and was happy when they divorced. She moved away. All these years later, something like 30 years... I saw a picture of her online and she was even more hideous and OLD as the hills now. I'm sorry to be so mean. She's just caused a lot of grief in his life and I have no idea why he's so bad with woman. But she didn't help. He's now bitter with life and just not that nice to be around.

C. C.
I am sorry for some of the mean comments I've read in here, I hope that doesn't discourage you from posting in the future. I believe there are no silly questions, all questions should be asked. I do agree this post is a bit vague.
I can't tell you whether I'd blame them or not. but I can't tell you what I'd do. I'd trust my son's choices, he is an adult, and he fell in love with her for a reason even if I can't figure out why.
Whether he divorced her or not, that would be his choice too, and I'd support him equally. I just see it as a terrible loss to not see your son as much as possible for 20 years.

As long as the son was a kind person with a good heart and good intentions, I could not understand disowning him

Yes. I would never not see my son for any reason. I would make the best of it. How sad. We have someone that married into our family that holds grudges over the slightest thing. That is not the way a family is supposed to act.

I'll admit, it took me some time to warm up to my son-in-law when he and my daughter were first dating, but eventually I did and all was fine. I cannot imagine not speaking to my child for over 20 years simply because he/she chose to marry someone who was older and who didn't have good teeth. Apparently they never learned acceptance, tolerance and that beauty is only skin deep! Shame on them!

Having married former military, to hear of these women who bounce from one soldier to the next I would have a hard time supporting it.

I would hope that I would be big enough to keep in contact, at least, and be civil. At some point, I think I would have to step up and admit I was wrong, though, and try to make ammends.

Yes I blame them. I would not be thrilled and would voice my opinion prior to the wedding, but once my child marries someone then they are a member of our family and I would treat her just Iike I treat my own kids, front teeth or not.
It is just the right thing to do.

I think I would need more information, but I believe that the parents really need to make an effort to keep in touch with their children. whether the children want to or not. Is it possible the son was upset because the parents didn't approve and then distanced himself away from his parents even if they tried to keep in touch? I wouldn't miss my child's wedding unless it was extreme circumstances, but I don't think we can really judge without knowing both sides of the stories or actually being in that situation.