2Nd Wedding Stigma

Personally, I can't imagine why anyone who had been through the big wedding once would ever want to do it again. The experience is more stress than it's worth. mjost of the time.

I think the big "stigma" is when people are having 2nd or 3rd *BIG* weddings (close together) and EXPECT everyone to give them showers and big gifts......

LOL My 2nd wedding was treated as 2nd rate because I had been married before...SO maybe my thought is a little biased when I think it's a little silly to have all the traditional stuff...hehehe...

Seriously tho, if the bride and groom want all the mess that is perfectly fine because it truly is their special day.

WHere I get upset and picky is when a grown child that has 2 kids keeps trying to force dad and step mom to pay for the wedding!! (I'm talking bout my stepdaughter here!)

Sometimes it's disheartening to see some people make a big deal out of marriage when they didn't take their vows seriously the first time (obviously I'm not talking about every person who marries a second time.)

I think that there are many factors the contribute to the "style" wedding a couple elects to host and for many, a second marriage (for both) implies a few things (just my observations)
- maturity
- restraint and focus
- perspective
- house full of "things"
- children who may not be as excited about the new union
- parents who may be hesitant that it will work "this time" and who aren't helping to pay for "round 2"

I think that couples who marry a second spouse realize in retrospect that marriage is about commiting your life and your hopes to another person and that commitment can be celebrated without spending $30,000.

I actually attended a wedding this past weekend- 2nd for both. They asked that we not bring gifts, but just come and celebrate their marriage. It was small (40 people) and absolutely beautiful. Religious ceremony at their church followed by a luncheon at a local restaurant and "party" at their house well into the evening.

I don't think it's written anywhere and I don't think it's based in shame- I think (or hope) that the scale of the subsequent wedding is a result of mature reflection and perspective on what is (and is not) important.

I will say this too (and probably get slammed for it)... when I watch Say Yes to the Dress and a middle aged mother of 3 is trying on a Cinderella gown for wedding #2.... it looks silly and really out-of-sync. Some things are better left for the 20-somethings who are still somewhat naive about what marriage and motherhood will bring!

I think it is sad that so many people think it is ok to judge any one else's lives. We have no idea of the circumstances. And really it is none of our business.

My husband and I have been married 30 years and still going strong. So I know how you have to work at staying married and keeping that vow. But I would never presume to make others follow my life. I do not feel superior to anyone else's marriage or to those that have divorced. .

Instead I support people that are in love. I try to support those that are struggling in their relationships and I mourn with those that have marriages that ended in divorce, especially if children are involved.

Divorce if you have never experienced it yourself is devastating. You can feel like a failure, you question your ability to make decisions and it is worse than a death because you have to be judges by others.

Instead moms, let let people be happy during such a special time in their lives. If they want a private ceremony that is fine and if they want a huge celebration to share their love and excitement with those that support them, let them be. If you feel like you cannot support them, I hope you will agree, to just not say anything and to excuse yourself from having to put a damper on their happiness.

This is just the way I feel. "You never know how your own children or grandchildren will end up."

I have no problems with a 2nd, 3rd etc. marriage, but obviously if they have been married before maybe they should not register and instead of asking for gifts ask for donations to be given to ___________. I have no problems helping someone celebrate, but I do have problems with getting people gift after gift for each wedding.

It is part of American culture that 2nd weddings or 3rd weddings should be less "showy" or fancy than first weddings, particularly if it's a divorce. Divorce was considered a failure and taboo until the 50s or 60s, and even though it's more commonplace now, I think that we as a culture still think that if a couple couldn't make it work the first time, as individuals trying again, they shouldn't get to make it as big a deal, in terms of $ spent on the wedding/reception.

Also, part of a wedding tradition is usually asking for gifts to help the bride and groom set up house since traditionally, or really, in yesteryear, they did not have all the house stuff needed (bed linens, towels, dishes, furniture, etc.). And doing so for a 2nd or 3rd wedding, when in fact there are kids & all the tons of house stuff already present, just seems gauche.

By all means, do celebrate, have a dinner for family/friends, have a church wedding, but keep in mind that now, as a family, your money actually is for all the family, not just you. The money a person spends on a fancy wedding, as a 2nd or 3rd wedding, is money that could be college tuition for a spouse or a child, for example. That, more than anything bothers me....

A coworker was married 2x. Her first husband died very unexpectedly, very young, after about 5 years of marriage. She didn't want a big wedding the 2nd time around, but for her fiance, it was his first, and he did want all the bells & whistles. So she did, and we were all happy for her.

And if the person never had the big wedding before, but has the money to safely do so now without it harming the family financially, I'm okay with that, too. Good friends of ours, the husband is divorced but for the wife it was her first marriage. The husband makes "beaucoup bucks" and the wife makes a six-figure salary, too, and so they had a very grand wedding. We did not think less of them for it (in fact I didn't think much about it, except a) glad we are invited and could make it, and b) it was lovely).

I think it's more about the "needs" of a couple that has been married before. They likely don't need a toaster or need to register for dishes. If they do, I think that can come across as excessive.
BUT I agree that weddings are celebrations! All weddings.

I was married previously (briefly) but my husband was not. Neither of us wanted a large wedding (pitfall of too many years as an event planner for me & he just wasn't interested) so we went away and got married, did not register at stores and had a reception when we returned.

Also, I think the length of time between weddings plays into the attitude as well. Kind of like "Oh great Jim is getting married--again--for the 3rd time in 5 years...." LOL

I think you already said it... "Isn't it about the bride and groom making a commitment to love and cherish each other forever?" Why didn't the bride and groom keep the commitment they made the first time... If a spouse did die then I don't think people generally have a problem with people getting remarried, I think it's more encouraged. However, when a divorce has occurred, then it's a different view point.

I say that the couple should have whatever wedding they want and can pay for, no matter how many times they've gotten married.
Personally, I refused to spend more than few hundred dollars on any of my weddings (I've been married three times), but that's just me. I will NOT go into debt for thousands of dollars for one event. But if someone else wants to pay for a carriage drawn by a team of white horses, a a gown with a train a city block long, and a cake taller than Yao Ming, it's their bankbook.

I feel that as long as it isn't a case of someone just getting married then divorcing and changing partners over and over again because they aren't even trying to make a commitment, then it's perfectly acceptable to have a big wedding. Yes, it is to celebrate the love of the couple, and friends and family should be willing to do so. Wedding gifts may depend on the circumstances, as many couples marrying for the second time around don't really have a need for more 'stuff' in their lives. But getting together to celebrate a marriage should never be considered out of taste.

My SIL and BIL are each on marriage 3. BIL had never had a big church wedding. SIL had a big church wedding for all 3 weddings. I thought this was okay because the themes, grooms, and half the guests were all different!

There was not really money for a big wedding, so inlaws chipped in, and of course offered up the 'just save the money and go to the justice of the peace' since it was their 3rd.

There was an odd moment during the bridal march when one of her relatives made a loud comment comparing the wedding to one of the other two...

M.

I don't know.

If it's a first wedding but you are in your 30s or 40s, then folks have different ideas about "appropriate" celebration as well. But...once you are 60+, if you are having your first wedding, expectations fo back to "have a great big bash."

Generally, when it comes to celebrations, I think people should do what they want and if others don't like it, they don't have to take part! : )

Here's how I see things in the world:
You only live once so do the things that make you happy (within reason of course.).
If you want a big wedding, have one.
Then later you will have no regrets.
My husband had been married once before me (this would be my first wedding) so we made it a fairly inexpensive wedding. For the most part, I got everything I needed/wanted on the cheap.
I only have teeny tiny regrets like "I should have sprung for more flowers" etc.
So in the big scheme of things, they didn't matter, I made my dollar stretch and got most of what I wanted, I enjoyed the day.........and good thing too because what matters even more is what comes later. After the wedding. A few years in that's when things can get difficult, or life throws you a curve ball you both have to deal with etc.
So I say....spend a little bit of money (not very much though) to get a few things you really want/must have on your wedding day, save where you can, omit where you can, go on the cheap where you can like skipping wedding favors that people just throw out anyway, SPEND THE MONEY ON A NICE HONEYMOON AFTER THE WEDDING!
And realize it's what comes after that day that really matters.
Oh and remember to HAVE FUN AND ENJOY THE DAY!!!!!
On that day get away for 2 mins alone just to be w/each other and savor the moment!

L.,

With the exception of the death of the FIRST spouse I believe you may have answered your own question. ("2nd time around? Isn't it about the bride and groom making a commitment to love and cherish each other FOREVER")

If forever wasn't the case for the first marriage and some family, friends etc. take exception to a second BIG wedding, especially when children are involved or the divorce was recent, bitter, or messy.

Personally, I believe as long as everyone can be AS respectful to all parties, passed and present, and has had some pre-marriage/couples counseling, if one wants a big wedding and is truly committed to a life long commitment and not just a big party, it should be fine.

Blessings.......

I think in most cases the bride and groom should have whatever type of wedding they want no matter if it is their first marriage or not. I agree with you that it is a celebration of love and commitment to each other, and is certainly worthy of celebration.

There are some instances when a big celebration might not be appropriate though. I read an article a while back about two couples who were best friends. The wife in couple 1 had an affair with the husband in couple 2. They both got a divorce so that they could marry each other. They were married the day after their divorces were finalized and had a huge wedding. Many people thought it was in poor taste, and I agree, so sometimes maybe a smaller wedding is more appropriate. In the end though it really is what the bride and groom choose to do and anyone who would voice ridicule to the couple is rude in my opinion.

I think a big celebration is great - I do however, think that if the woman has done the whole white dress/veil in the past, once is enough. Still wear white (or ivory) but keep it more simple and perhaps flowers in your hair or some of the chic netting that is in right now.

But as long as people are happy, that's all that really matters.

No, but I do think it is more sensible to diversify the two weddings...just to make sure the second one looks (finally) permanent, if you know what I mean. I guess what I am trying to say is that the second time around it should be more personal and mature, more about the two spouses than the wedding itself (as in the case of a first!). It's important to avoid "tacky" or un-original and to make it more meaningful. THAT would be a good 2nd wedding for me.

I see nothing wrong at all with celebrating! I did it my 2nd time, the 1st time I eloped, my husband passed away, so we had a small, about 75 people wedding and reception. My 2 son's were groomsmen, I wore a beautiful dress in ivory (white doesn't look good on me), and he wore a tux with tails. We EVEN went on a honeymoon! something I didn't do the 1st time around either. I say celebrate how ever you want and to heck with those that stick their noses up at the idea! YOU are right, it is about the bride and groom, what ever they want they should have! mine unfortunately did end in a nasty divorce, he ended up having 3 open skull surgeries and 2 shunts, which left him blind and brain damaged. In the meantime while I was caring for him, even brushing his teeth, for the year afterwards, I actually found out he had been having an affair, ( found that out on the 1st day of brain surgery), I still took care of him. But I couldn't get over the fact he had been cheating on me, especially when I gave him his only son at 42. If I get married again, which I find it hard to believe, I don't even date, it's been over 5 years, I will have a small wedding,on a beach barefoot!, or maybe go and do an Elvis drive through!, but the party is inevitable, and no gifts please...

ideally when people get married for the first time there isn't like alot of strife and drama surrounding it.

2nd marriages are different. When people get a divorce, people get hurt. There could be an affair between the two new spouses that ended the first marriage. There could be a hurting ex spouse, children that don't like the new step-parent. I just think it's a more serious affair. You're not as carefree, generally and in some cases the wedding can be the source of pain for people so I find it hard to do the chicken dance. Also, the spouses make a vow to each other and invite you to be witnesses to that lifelong promise and if that gets broken for whatever reason then it's an uncomfortable thing to bear witness to when you know that person hasn't fulfilled their vows the first time around. Yes, death of a spouse is different, for obvious reasons.

I have a friend having her second wedding this year. None of the above applies. Her kids love her new spouse, her ex was the biggest loser on the planet. This marriage is nothing but good for everyone (including her ex husband who is happy to not pay alimony anymore). I will be doing the electric slide at her reception--but I do think carefully about attending weddings. Another example is a good friend who's wife left him in grad school for one of her grad school friends. So, it's his second marriage. I'm thrilled and happy to attend.

However, I have a friend who left her husband for her male friend and he was in pain for years. That invite went into the trash. Couple friends that go through messy divorces and get remarried? I will send a card and a small gift but will not attend not because I don't support the wedding but because I wish to remain at arms length from the business of their love life.

I don't feel that 2nd weddings should be any less of a celebration. I think every marriage should be treasured and sometimes its in the best interest for people to divorce etc. I respect those that try to work things out the best they can but if it doesn't work, it just doesn't. If they happen to find another someone who they want to spend their life with, more power to them! I would wish them nothing but the best and not judge them for having a 2nd marriage. For those that have had multiple marriages like 5+, I have a harder time feeling like it should be an all out celebration. Thats just me.

M

My guess is that it's around inviting the same guests to the 2nd wedding and their "obligation" to buy you another wedding gift.

I don't think anyone really begrudges a 2nd wedding but it does depend on the circumstances. Weddings are something to celebrate but they also can be a bit of a burden on the guests. For local guests who maybe now have kids and kids are invited, it's a nice big party. But if I have a friend who lives far away and I already incurred the expense to go to his/her first wedding and now I have kids to think about etc, I may not be so excited about attending a second wedding. That might make me feel guilty and with me, guilt typically turns into a bit of aggravation like "ugh, I already spent $1000 to attend his/her first wedding! Now he/she expects everyone to travel again??" So it depends too on the expectations of the bride and groom. If they are understanding that maybe people can't make a trip again, then totally fine for them to have another big wedding. So I think it depends on expectations and circumstances.

Probably because they already made the commitment the FIRST time to love and cherish forever....and look how THAT turned out.
If there are two divorced people getting married than I kind of shrug and say, okay...if you say you can commit THIS time I will believe it when I see it.
If it's because of death...then they fufilled there "til death do us part" didn't they?
L.