I Made a Mistake

I agree with the others, getting the divorse is a huge step in showing him you are serious about him and the relationship.

I am a little late responding, but here's what I think. First off, some of the responses were very judgemental, and I don't think you should pay them any mind. People are quick to judge, without ever having to go through similar situations. If I understand this correctly, your boyfriend was aware you were married before, but was unaware you never got a divorce. If that be the case, I feel he should be a little more understanding. Yes, you should have found a way to tell him, but you didn't. Does that mean he just stops loving you, that there is no future, of course not. I can understand how he would be upset, but if he loves you, he can get past this. I am a firm believer that you cannot live on love alone, but, I also believe real love conquers all. What is important is that you & he want to share your lives. You were not unfaithful, it's just a leagal technicality. So, get a divorce as soon as you are able, and move on. I am sorry to say this, but after 11 years, if he can't get past this, then maybe it's best you found out before you walk down the aisle. Also, I would have a long talk with your mother. I know how mothers are, believe me. I am sure yours is great, but she needs to be reminded where her place is. I wish you all the best. I am sure you will make the right decision. Good Luck & God Bless!

I agree with the other poster. You need to show him that you are serious and get that divorce taken care of. You said he hasn't gotten over it in 2 years....have you taken any steps to take care of the divorce in those 2 years? If not, you aren't really giving him the message that you want to correct your mistake. You did make a mistake by not disclosing your marital status, but if you are interested in him forgiving you, you need to get on the ball and do your best to rectify the situation -- and the sooner the better. Good Luck

You need to sit him down and talk to him, I lied to my fiance a couple of years ago. My lies were minor details I left out becuase I felt like he didnt need to know. Well he found out a few things I tried to hide from him, he was mad and said he couldn't marry a woman who lied to him. Well he gave me another chance after I vowed to never lie again. He we are 3 years later and married. I feel better knowing I have been honest. U just need to sit him down and clear the air about your past.He may need time to work this out with u, just be patient and be HONEST. If he loves u he will not judge you for past mistakes and work on your future together. Love is hard and marriage is harder trust me, communication is key. I pray thing work out for u.

Your mistake can now be rectified. You say that your "husband" has never helped you with your child so I'm sure that you can get a no-fault divorce without a fight from him. There are no assets to divide or any kind of custody battle. You could even download the papers and file them at the courthouse yourself. If you don't feel comfortable, you could get a lawyer to assist you for as little as $300.00. That's not a lot of money when you're looking at now starting your life with the man you love.

Best of luck,
L.

You have to look at it from his shoes.11 years together and you never told him that huge part about yourself.I don't know how thats called a mistake.Obviously you had another child and he knew you had a life before him and it's crushing to find out after the fact from "mil" that his wife is already married.Thats actually even crimminal in some states to commit polygomy.You just have to explain as best as possible that it was a mistake and that you love him.hopefully he'll understand and if for no other reason than for the babys sake that he come back and the 2 of you work through actually getting legally divorced.Maybe even suggest another wedding thats for real this time.I hope I'm not sounding mean at all because thats not my intentions at all.It's just hard to beilieve that forgetting the fact that you're actually already married while you're dating,making a baby,getting engaged and even married is a hard pill to swallow.Maybe you need to call it something else.I wish you luck because you obviously love him and I hope the 2 of you can get through this time.

Well, your problem is twofold.

First, there is the ex. Check out the laws of the state you live in. A friend of mine was recently thinking about divorce and couldn't afford it (in Pennsylvania). She went to see a free lawyer through the Women's Shelter. She was told that if she moved out and lived separated from her husband for a period of two years that they would legally be divorced in the state of Pennsylvania. So depending on the laws in the place you live in, you may NOT be married to your ex anymore.

The best way to deal with your current guy, is to be honest. Tell him you didn't know how to bring up the subject or tell him that you hadn't completed the technical legalities. Also, tell him that the guy was so gone from your life that you didn't really think about the ex, the situation or about fixing it. Good luck with the whole situation. I hope you are able to work things out with this guy.

I cannot even begin to tell you what you should do. But your story sounds so much like so many others. If there is one thing you should promise to yourself and the man you wish to marry, it's honesty. I can see why you didn't tell him the whole truth from day one since it was so much easier to not mention the marriage rather than deal with it head on. But I can assure you, the suffering is much less for both parties if your simply honest with eachother. What's done is done. You can only explain to him why you handled things the way you did and if he loves you, he will have to accept your reasons and your vow of honesty from this point on. If not, you have to accept it as a lesson learned the hard way.

Well can you blame him for being mad? I sure can't. You were with him for 11 years and NEVER told him? That is HUGE! Add to the fact that it has been 2 years and you STILL have not tried to fix it by getting divorced? I would be mad too and would have a very hard time forgiving you! I think the first thing you need to do is get yourself divorced and then try and get his forgivness.

Show him that you still want to be his wife and go ahead and get your divorce. Then see if he warms up a little bit but make sure you explain that you did not mean to hurt him and that he sould not have found out from your mom but from you and your sorry for that.

It is reall hard to say what to do if she is not realizing what is going on and that you are withdrawing from her it might be a good idea to tell her why. But in the process expect her to get on the defensive and get angry with you I am going through something similiar and the mother and I are not on speaking terms right now because she is taking it as a personel attack on her. So I would consider talking to her but at the same time just distance yourself and at the same time make it so that the little girl is not sublected to this little boy as much as possible so maybe the mother will finially get the hint. For the sake of we live in a mean world to begin with and our kids are going to deal with things like this when we are not around so my thinking is there is no reason to subject them to anymore than what is absolutely neccessary. Good Luck

I think my comment here is more for those who have and will respond to this....I just don't understand how marriage can be taken so lightly. I understand that divorce is expensive and that if it didn't seem necessary you might put it off, I even understand life moving on and forgetting about it. But the fact is, vows were made, promises exchanged, a life was built, two people were joined together (and I don't mean spiritually). I'm not at all against divorce, but not acknowledging that the marriage existed at all, being with someone else and never telling them that you are technically still married, is beyond my grasp. T., I wish you the best of luck in getting this figured out. If you don't intend to be with the man you are married to, you should definitaly make the separation official. I hope that even if things don't work out as you want them to, your life takes a turn for the better and this experience makes you a stronger, happier person.

Best of luck.

1) Why on earth haven't you bothered to get a divorce yet? Get a divorce!!!

2) Tell your mother to butt out.

go to the courthouse and get the divorce packet $175.00 or less. See the pro-se for any legal questions and help filing. That is free. If it has been this long you shouldn't have any problem with a judge granting your divorce. just don't ask for anything.