Help, I Am So Lost

A.,
There is a number that provides help for any problem that the state could help you with and it's 211. They can give you a direction that might help. I would be careful about not getting an attorney just because there are so many things you might not think of and they can help you with those. There is also a group for people married or divorced from gay spouses called The Evergreen Group. I believe it is run through LDS Family Services. Although, I don't think you have to be LDS to attend. They may have helps about what to tell kids and how to manage personally. I hope this helps, I am so sorry for all the challenges you are trying to juggle. S.

call Univ of Denver Law School. Ask if they provide attorneys
from their law school who could counsel you. State just what you have typed here. S.

department of family services, child support office they are listed in the phone book under state offices or federal.

Some lawyers have free consultations and you may be able to get help with legal expenses too.

the two offices mentioned should be able to help you out the most... they also should be able to point you in the right direction of school aid and various other helps.

Ok, I know this is going to sound crazy, but here goes. As hard as it would be, the best thing for your girls is for you and your husband to stay together until they are 18 and on their own. Yes, you and your husband would be living in a sexless marriage, but you would not be turning your children's lives upside down. I'm sure you could find a way to remain kind and loving to each other for the sake of your children. Yes, it is completely wrong that he married you and sprung this on you 5 years later, but it would be very selfish and damaging to your girls if he leaves. I can't imagine being in your situation, but I think if I were, I would do everything in my power to keep my marriage together so that my children would have their mother and their father raising them together in the same home. The guy did a horrible thing marrying you and bringing children into it, so I think he needs to sacrifice his life with anyone else to ensure his children don't have to pay the price for his HUGE mistake.

Oh my gosh...I am so sorry! I could go on and on about how awful I feel for you, but I will get right to the point here, and see if I can be of some help. Never had to deal with that kind of emotional "change" in a person, but I have dealt with the separation, rearing up a child by myself alone for a while, and getting help through the state and such. First of all, take him up on whatever he can give for you. Not to be selfish, but he is being selfish, and he needs to make sure before he walks out that door, that you and your wee ones are provided for and taken care of. You SHOULD get a lawyer, but there are ways you can do this by yourself. I know in Idaho, there are forms you can get to draw up the papers yourself. Or you can get on the internet and get them. I know from experience, if you do this right the first time, you wont need to keep changing things and spending money you don't have. Think VERY CLEARLY about the physical things you and your kids need, and get them. And do not let him walk out of this without paying child support. Your kids will need it, and he is LIABLE for that. Don't be "soft" . You can be nice, but state the grounds matter-of-factly, and strongly. Don't cut him down, or give your kids any unnecessary information. The less they know, the better. They are way too young. It is okay they know you are sad. But be careful there. Yes, I think it is absolutley insane and sick that your husband has chosen this route, but he is still thier father. And they have the right to have him in thier lives no matter what he has done. They will decide later how they feel, and figure it out. And your instincts will guide you as to what to say, how to say it, and when. This is the most important thing. Once you put them first in your mind, you can get through this. (and i know breaking down is going to happen, it is OKAY to cry and get mad) You need to protect them so they stay "healthy". This is so stinking hard on them, and it usually comes from HOW the divorce was handled and what the parents said or did. On one hand, you are lucky they are so young. I think it is harder on older ones. Your oldest will feel the effects the most. And it can affect them later depending on how you and your husband handle this. Set your ground rules NOW. And stick to them. Do the right thing no matter what. (sometimes this is very hard!) And do not tolerate ANY thing from him that you don't feel comfortable with. (for instance, his "boyfriend" around them, or whatever if you don't like it, don't let it happen.!!) He needs to know that they don't need to learn about the other "man" so to speak, or ANY info like that. Put your foot down NOW. But you both will need to watch what you say and do in front of them, and be oh so kind. It will be okay to let your oldest know "daddy will be living somewhere else, but he is still your daddy, and you can visit!" Be VERY positive. Girls reflect the emotions of mommy!!!! AND:!!!:
Call your Health and Welfare program for your state. They will get you in the right direction. (support, medical attention, food ect) And it sucks. I had to do it for FOUR years, but you can do it. Until you get on your feet, it is okay. This is for your kids. AND YOU. If you worked before, keep plugging along, and get some support from friends, church, whatever you need, and move on as best as you can. There are some lawyers who can and will represent you for almost nothing, or for free. Unfortunately, i didn't hear about that until after I spent ALOT of money. So i am not sure where to start there. Ask around, and or hopefully someone on here can give you a number or website. PLEASE PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU THINK IT THRU FIRST BEFORE YOU SET ANYTHING IN MOTION. If he is willing to agree with custody and such, get your way. I personally think your girls are too young right now to do any "overnites" or long visits. You should have sole custody ( I feel) and let him have some days to take them somewhere special once in a while. Or however you feel will benefit your girls. You can always re-visit that issue when they are older. My oldest is twelve, and even the every other weekend with her daddy becomes too much for her. She cries sometimes. But it is necessary he be in thier lives! Girls need dads. But your girls will also need a good role model, so you may have to recruit family members to help with the role modeling. My main concern for you right now is you and your kids. You can get through this, I know you can. Please don't be afraid to ask friends for some moral support, or even a hand with the wee ones. Those who love you will open thier arms right up.
I actually went to counseling for a while (thru the state!) and i couldn't believe how helpful it was. Just to get it off your chest to someone who is totally non-involved in this situation can help you see things better and move forward. Try not to look back. But also allow yourself time. Time to REALLY feel thru this and pull it all out. If you bottle it up, it will just surface again later. Trauma always does until it is dealt with. I feel sorry for your husband. His role as part of our Heavenly Father's plan is being blinded by his own selfish desires. You don't need to condone his behavior, nor his actions, but you don't need to support it either. NOR like it. This is his choice. Let it be his consequence. You are a mother, and i am sure a good one, and you are not alone!!!! Pray for guidance.
I wish you the best, and I hope I helped you a little. I know I rambled for quite a bit, sorry...:(
Take care of yourself and your kids.
Sincerly, Lisa

Oh, A.!!! I heart goes out to you!!! I would feel the same way that you do, LOST! Don't settle for less than the best for you and your daughters. Go through a mediator in the very least, and you and your daughters will want counseling. REALLY! How traumatic this is for you! You've given your life, your all to this man who isn't who he said he was. He didn't even know himself when he married you. You have a right to feel hurt and pain for yourself and I'm guessing that you do for him as well. I don't know where you are in the country, but there ARE LOTS of programs to help you in your situation. Our tax dollars help fund programs for women in your situation. (they are abused by others!!) Your daycare provider can help you with the paperwork for funding programs as well as cut you a break if they have some understanding for your situation. Talk with a church leader, or a counselor or BOTH about how to deal with this with your girls. There is so much that they will not understand right now, due to their age. But you need to know how to tell them that daddy isn't coming home again. I think you could leave out the gay detail until they are older... because that is SO hard to understand, even adults have a hard time with that one!!! Search the internet for a local divorce mediator, interview several and then YOU decide which one you want to go with. Your husband is walking away, he has no choices, you should run the show. You don't have to make it nasty, but you do have to protect your own interests and your babies!! Be that mother bear. He is forcing you to be the mother bear. If he were going to stay in your life as your heterosexual husband you would have no right to be a mother bear. So bring her out!!! He is leaving you in a lurch, take exactly what you need to. And hold your head high as you try to provide the extras. This also will be a great learning experience for your girls. Tolerance, love, acceptance, and boundaries. You can still love him that is leaving you, you can tolerate his choice, you can accept that he is human, and set your boundary line and don't cross it, don't cross it. Set your boundaries, what you support your daughters seeing and being part of and what you don't want them to and stick to your convictions! And remember to gather those around you that you DO trust and can confide in. YOU need a full circle of support. Remember what the flight attendant told you on your last flight?? Put the oxygen mask on yourself THEN assist others. You will be a poor assister if you can't breathe. Your daughters are too young to support you, so find some big shoulders, and keep your eye single to your goals. There are many around you who love you and will support you in this time of need. Seek out your true friends.
Hope that helped.
V.
PS take up running. It is a TERRIFIC stress reliever!! Helps me TONS!

Dear A.,
This must be a very difficult time for you. If I were you, I would contact (among other people), PFLAG. That stands for Parents and Friends of Lesbian and Gay (people). They have all been through situations similar to yours and have support groups. I would think they could also recommend lawyers and other helpful people.

Peace, M.

I am so sorry A.!! I can only imagine how devestated you must feel. Is he reasonable, does he have a good job? If you think you can go through mediation I recommend that way. My divorce cost me close to $8000 when all was said and done but my ex filed first on me in another state to avoid child marital support. At the time of our divorce we had been married six years. I don't know the laws in Utah but I would advise making appts with a few attorneys as they will give yo a free consultation and give you the laws. I did this with three different ones to make sure I got the same answer.
I know too that you do not have to work and he has to pay the maximum in support for children under 36 months if you can go without working and live on his support. That was the law here. My ex left when my son was almost one and my daughter was four so I can feel your pain.

First get some appts set up for you with attys to find out the laws and your rights. Then devise a plan and ask your husband if he would like to go through mediation. It is a fraction of the cost of legal divorce otherwise and things can all be worked out as far as custody, support and splitting property and bills. Funny as my ex fought me and drug things out and it cost so much wasted money, when it all came down to it, it turned out to be his atty, my atty and the two of us in a room solving it all and taking it to the judge for approval, basically what mediation does! It was ridiculous.

As far as the girls, be honest at the level they can handle. Your youngest is probably too young to really need to talk to now but will ask questions later. You needn't go into sexuality issues at this point. You can just say something to the effect of that you all need time out from each other and may not be married anymore. Explain it has nothing whatsoever to do with them, that you both love them and that you will still be mommy and daddy.

It really caused my four year old a great deal of stress. I took her to play therapy to work through a lot of her worries.
I am here for you, if you want to sideline email me. I know how you feel (other then the gay thing) but know how scared, alone, worried, freaked out and sad you must feel. When you have the children as well to worry about things seem a lot more stressful and larger! Hang in there, it does get better, you find your groove. My ex moved 1,000 miles away to go hook up with his high school girlfriend and I am doing the parenting thing pretty much solo. However, he still has to pay me support until Oct 09 and the children until they are 19 and has to keep them insured. It has been a struggle but I got he best part of the marriage with the kids!
Just give them lot's of love, don't be afraid to let them see you cry either. I hid too much from my daughter and she drew her own conclusions and it backfired, I thought I was protecting her and it wasn't the way to go. I now can talk to her about her worries, reassure her and not go into adult details but give her what she needs to process it all.

Just never bad mouth each other, support each other in front of the kids and just let them know it isn't their fault at all!
HUGS, seriously email me if you need to, I just went through all of this not so long ago!

A.,
I'm so sorry this is happening to you! I am not a proponent of staying together for the kids. This is a complete false statement; kids know what is going on around them, they sense it. My husband's parents divorced when he was 24 ad he was relieved. He and his younger brother knew that his parents were in an unhappy marriage from the time they were itty-bitty. They were both angry that their parents stayed together because they heard arguing, even though it was never done in front of them, and other issues.

You both can be the best role models for your children by going on with your lives, getting along amicably, and loving your children. They'll be happier knowing that you were the best mom you could be by choosing to live a happier lifestyle. It will be rough, but you will get through it!!!

Look in the phonebook under women's programs/resources. Many times an area has legal help for free or reduced rates for moms in these situations. There are also other organizations that will help you in the transition.

Best of luck to you!

I would hit the road running as fast as I could getting all the information legally as I could. I would contact an attorney and request that they draw up the papers with the correct amount of child support and full custody as soon as they possibly could. I would contact the state you live in for answers about state assistance so you know the information if you need it.

I know this sounds harsh but believe me it is in your best interest longterm. I then would explain to the older child that you can no longer be married and that you both love your child more than anything. Let them know that there was nothing that was their fault and nothing they could do to change things to make it work.

Keep a good relationship with your ex and keep them in your childrens lives as much as you can. This is best for the children and both of you. This way when your children are older they can understand why you did what you did and don't hate you for keeping them from thier father. I know first hand it is priceless to be able to call my ex and ask for help with my son if I need it and not worry about fighting. It is the NORM to be fighting nonstop, but getting along is PRICELESS!!!

You will feel much better about what is going on with the split if you have financial support and custody. You will get control over your life in time and it will work out okay if you get the rights you need now and work with your ex to give him time with his children.

My friend went through this as a young child and she resented her mother for having "men friends" growing up. She learned after she left home why and she was devistated that they didn't just divorce and let her know why. She could have handled it much easier than thinking that her mother was cheating on her perfect father. She considers the time they lived throught the lie as time wasted being happy only to confuse her something terrible.

I believe that being four would make details a bit impossible, but try to stay as close to the truth as you can. I would let my kids know that you will still be a family, but just a bit different than others.

When your husband gets into a serious relationship, I would meet the other man and get to know him a little bit. This man will be around your children and you will feel better knowing that you can trust him to be a good person and good to your children. I know it will be crazy wierd and hard emotionally, but it will be better longterm for your state of mind when the children are with your ex and better for the children to know that you aren't upset that they talk about this person. Being that your ex is gay, you may find that once you get over the shock, you all may be able to get along pretty well considering there shouldn't be any competition.

My heart goes out to you and your children. I hope everything works out for you!!!

Hi, A.!

I, too have been in your shoes. My ex-husband and I seperated 6 years ago for the same reason. Our divorce was finalized a year later. The biggest thing that hung up our divorce was him fighting paying me child support. As long as your husband is willing to pay child support and you agree on everything, you should be able to do your divorce online. My attorney put in $1.00 per month for alimony. The reason being is that our salaries were almost the same at the time of the divorce so there is no way that a judge would give me more than that. But, if I were to become unable to work in the future, it is easier to go back and amend the alimony amount that is alreay ordered rather than trying to get a new order for alimony. If you contact your state welfare agency, they should be able to put in touch with the proper departments to get assistance with daycare, etc.

As far as moving on, it isn't easy. My 4 daughters were 12, 11, 11 and 8 when we seperated. I haven't been on that dreaded first date yet because between work and my daughters, I have no energy to give to anyone else. Now that my youngest is 14, I am about ready to give the online thing a chance.

Anytime you would like to chat, please let me know. When I was going through it, I turned to a lot of online support groups and it really made things worse for me. I wasnt' willing to live with him practicing the homosexuality while we were married and lot of those wives chose to.

My prayers are with you. This is a very difficult stage of life for you.

Hi A.,
I am sorry for what has happened with your marriage. You probably want to seek some legal advice. Even if you don't get a Lawyer you can get someone from the courts to mediate the divorce. I am not sure if you are located in Denver but if you are there are agencies that offer free Legal Night where you can speak to someone about your situation and they can tell you which way would be best for you and your kids. So if you are in Denver the agency is called Mi Casa Resource Center for Women. They offer free Legal night every 3rd Tuesday of the Month form 5:30-7. The phone number for more info is ###-###-####.

There are also several programs that would help you return to school. There are grants and scholarships that you would qualify for one of them is the Displaced Home Makers Scholarship and for this you could probably talk to the Financial Aid office at your local Community College. There is also a program that will pay for your school and assist with supportive services such as clothing and transporation assistance. For this you can probably go to your local Workforce Center and apply. I hope this information helps.

A., I am a paralegal and have worked for a Lawyer in Logan for nearly 7 years, I have worked with many people getting divorces, it may be possible to get an online divorce, but I would be very careful when your husband says he will give you whatever you want, I would at least talke to someone who is in the legal profession before you sign any papers, it is very important that you think about alimony and child support as well as visitation, you say you want to minimize the trauma on your children now, but what about later when they have been ordered to have visitation with a gay father who may have a partner at those visits, I could tell you more, but I really can't act as an attorney, you could come into my office and talk for free at least the first visit, if interested contact me @ ###-###-####.

A., my heart goes out to you. My mother-in-law went through what you are going through but over 25 years ago. She never received any benefits for her 4 kids. (Want to here something funny? She re -married a man with the last name "Gay"! He died last year and she kept his name! Jeeez.

Anyway, I have a daughter who has kids the same age as yours,(getting a divorce after 5 years) who is going to the county human resources department. They will help you with getting back on track.

I hope for you the best...

C.

I'm another one of those "crazy" people like Kate P. who think you and your husband should stay together until your children are 18. Your husband is being very selfish, and he should consider thinking about his children's well-being rather than his happiness or sexual fulfillment. If he isn't willing to stay together, you should fight for full custody.

You are going to need all the help you can get. You need a lawyer to make sure your children are provided for just because a lawyer is involved it does not have to be messy. It does need to be legal and the children need to be represented as well as protected.

Not matter what it will be painful for you and your children. Your husband is leaving you for another man! That is a blow to your self esteem. I don't know about state agency's but I am sure somebody out there can help.
Good luck and God bless you.
C. B

A., I am sorry for your loss - your marriage... I have been through the divorce process in Colorado, and I would suggest mediation with some sort of legal advice to protect you and your girls financially. Colorado has an automatic system when it comes to child support based on both of your incomes and how much time is spent with each parent - it changes dramatically after a certain number of overnights with the non-custodial parent. We have it set up for my kids to go with their dad every other weekend and every other Thursday, and then we rotate Weds. so that each child gets some one on one time with their dad. A child friendly calendar will help your 4 year old with things down the road. It is SO important that you get some support emotionally and spiritually to get through this, without my church I would have been in a pretty white jacket with buckles on the back!!! It's also important to not say anything negative about your girls' dad in front of them, no matter how you feel, and it's not easy, but worth every bite of your tongue! Hang in there!!! If you need to talk, you have so much support here - feel free to contact me as well!

Find the local legal aide department. An attny friend once told me that if kids are involoved, GET AN ATTNY! IF not your kids will pay the price. You can check with your local Department of Family Services ( social services) for assistance with your bills.

Your kids are young enough they won't remember the time when mom and dad lived together. IF you can make it smooth, they will have a happy childhood with two homes.

Make sure you spell out all the details of the kids in the court docs so you don't have to go back to fix things later.

Good luck and God Bless.

I went through a divorce when my chidlren were 3 and 7. Now they are 7 and 11. There is no easy way to help them understand, but it does help if the two of you are in an undrestanding that you will make it as easy as you can. There are programs for the state for childcare, schooling, insurance, etc. Call your local dept. of family services. As for not using a lawyer there are services that you can use for free. Go online to find them, but I would call around to see which lawyer you can afford so that you can aleast get child support and visitations worked out. I hope I was helpful and good luck to you.

A.,

I am so sorry for the turmoil you are in, and your children and your husband. I don't know of any advice to give in your circumstance, but I do know that God is in control. If you have Him as your Savior, He will give you the strength and wisdom to get you through each minute, hour, day, week, month. I will pray for you.

Dear A.,
First let me say that I am so sorry for you that you are having to experience this in your life. This situation will make you a stronger person. Let yourself grieve and just remind yourself that this is impermanent, you will get through and for some reason, this is for the highest good right now.
I think the older the kids are, the harder divorce is. Your girls are still so young and if you are both active in their lives, they will know they are loved and accepted by their parents. Keep it in simple, simple terms when explaining it to them...."Daddy decided to live in his own house, won't that be fun to have 2 houses?" at their ages, they cannot digest too much info.
some days will seem unbearable and other days will seem hopeful, just ride the wave and know that all things pass.

A.,
I am so sorry that you are going thru this. Divorce is not fun no matter what the situation. I recommend a counselor for you and the kids. And an lawyer to help with the financial matters and taking care of you and your children.
Another thing that helped me between counseling sessions is a divorce recovery workshop. If you are affiliated with a church, they frequently have them. Most churches will let you come even if you don't belong etc. It is a great way to build a support system of others in similar situations.
Good luck I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

A.,
As far as talking to your kids about Daddy leaving, I would suggest you two do it together. If you don't want a lawyer to handle the divorce, I suggest a mediator. You want to be sure that someone who knows the law helps you through this so you don't lose everything, regardless of what your husband is saying right now.

I'm SO SORRY you're going through this. Keep getting up every day and try to provide normalcy for you and your children. I suggest some professional counseling for you. You can get that through the Family Support Center of Ogden which is inside the Christmas Box House for little or no charge and they have a crisis nursery where you can have your children during your counseling. You'll need a strong support system. Your children will also need a strong support system. Everything will work out and eventually there will be normalcy again. Keep moving forward and you will eventually find peace.

--C.

I am so sorry for what you are going thru, I went through a divorce when my daughter was 10, it was very tramatic for me, I too wanted to be the nice person and not make anyone (ex) suffer but I really regret not having an attorney too help me get what I deserved after years of marriage and a child to support, I did get child support, you will need that. Most states have help for single/ low income moms, even help with going back to school if you need too. Please do not short change yourself in this matter, you will regret it later. take care. email me if you want to talk. C.

Hi A., I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this struggle, I couldn't even imagine. Do you currently work? I have a friend who works for the state, she could probably get me all of the information on how to apply for assistance.
I know you are trying to avoid an attorney but it may be in your best interest to hire one. I used a great company named Aaronson Grand - Brian - he can be reached at ###-###-#### (if you are in Salt Lake, if not, let me know). Because your divorce will be uncontested, they are really inexpensive, just a couple hundred dollars, start to finish.
Did you grow up in Utah? What is your current social life like? It will be really important that you stay busy. Find things that you can do with both you and your children and also that you can do as an adult. If you are able to tell me a little about your back ground, I may be able to give you some suggestions.
Good Luck!

You can go to a mediator, they are much cheaper than lawyers and may even be free. Look up social services in the phone book--it should have some listings to help you. They can help you adjust and help pay for day care, help you find a job, get some counseling, etc. You are fortunate that the divorce is amicable, even though it is still painful and difficult. Your husband has to help support your daughters, you just have to figure out the best way to do it. Your daughters will adjust--since their daddy is still going to be around, make sure they see him as much as possible. They will understand that everyone still loves each other, you just can't live together. When they are older, they will understand that being gay isn't a choice, it is determined by genetics, and my guess is they will get just as much love, if not more, from their daddy if he is more comfortable and happier. This is tough--make sure you get some counseling yourself, and take care of yourself. It will get better every day...good luck.

You do need a lawyer. The best way to make this as painless as possible is keep him in ther life as much as possibe. They need their daddy. Regardless of your beliefs on homosexuality this is their family and they have a right to it. Explain to the girls that there are all different kinds of love. The way they love eachother is different than the way they love you.
There are a few books on the issue. I suggest:
Daddy's Roommate is a children's book written by Michael Willhoite and published by Alyson Books
The Family Book Written by Todd Parr.
One Dad, Two Dads, Brown Dad, Blue Dads (Alyson Books, 2004 ISBN 1-55583-848-0) is a children's book by Johnny Valentine and Melody Sarecky
Remember, just pecause he is walking out of the door doesn't mean he is walking out on the girls. Support their relationship. He should have custody right just as any other dad would. This will teach your girls love, tolerance, and acceptance which are vital virtues for a woman to have.

Dear A.-

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I just want you to know you will be in my prayers. Your husband's betrayal must be so devastating. I'm sure there will be a lot of pain and repercussions for all of you, and issues that may affect you for years.

I hope you don't mind a little religious advice, I am a very spiritually oriented person. I hope you can find a way to forgive. Forgiveness is a necessary part of moving on and being happy. It's so easy to hold on to hurt feelings, it's so easy to blame an offender. Ultimately, you hurt yourself if you can't find a way to forgive. Prayer gave me the strength to forgive when it was so hard. God bless you... He knows what you are going through and He loves you. He will help you get through this.

T.

i don't know of any sites, but i do know how to help with the emotional part. Pray for help. There is a God who loves you and your children, and He will help you know how to tell your girls the bad news. It will still probably be hard for them because this is a hard experience for anyone to go through. Never say anything bad about your husband in front of your kids. That will help them know that things like this happen and it's not your fault. A movie that came to mind is Mrs. Doubtfire. In the end, Robin Williams tells a child who had sent "Mrs. Doubtfire" a letter a reason why parents divorce. That might be good to see. With yourself, exercise, work, pray, read your scriptures, go to church, have social times where you can go and spend time with your friends having fun, and make sure you have someone you feel comfortable in sharing your feelings with so that you can release the pain inside. God bless you and good luck!

I had a big bombshell from my husband in this past year, too. It's not the same one, but it got me having to think about divorce. And it's SO complicated. Don't try to do it without a lawyer. It's expensive, but an uncontested divorce really isn't that bad. It's when people fight over everything that it starts to get out of control expensive.
I heartily disagree with the advice that you should stay together for the kids. If he's going to pursue that lifestyle, you probably don't want your kids around it. And it's not fair to you, either. I have two kids, ages 4 and almost two, and been married for almost 6 years. We're almost in the same boat as far as that goes!
If you're LDS, there are a lot of resources in place for you, like counseling (which I highly recommend) and employment services. If you're not LDS, but go to a church, ask for help there. Even if they just tell you places to go, it's a start.
I wouldn't say anything to your kids until you're almost through with everything. They have no concept of time, so telling my 4 year old that something is going to happen sometime within the next few months would make him very nervous and unsettled. He just doesn't know what that means. I think I would tell them that Daddy's going to live in a different house starting in two weeks or something like that. Assure them that they'll still see him and get to play with him (or whatever your arrangements are.) Be honest but keep it simple so they can understand. You do need to "tell" your 1 year old, too, even though she probably won't understand much.
You're in for a rough patch, but it will get better. You will be happy again. I really recommend personal counseling. It's just too hard to deal with all of this on your own. I've gone a few times, and it's stopped my head from spinning, because it's an unbiased opinion about how you're handling things. I've found that my mom is NOT the best person to talk to, because she can get more upset about what's happened than I do! Which makes it harder to not wallow in my pain.
I feel like I'm writing a novel here. BUt if you want to "talk" privately, please send me a private message. Even if it's not the exact same issue, it's a huge relief to speak with someone who knows how it feels.

Dear A., I am an older teacher whose children are grown and out on their own, but perhaps I can reassure you that you can survive this. You are not lost. You are yourself and you are at home in your community with your children. Your whole life might change for the better, when major change comes and the world will open for you anew. Perhaps a new job, perhaps a new husband, perhaps a time to seek some temporary help from your community. What little I know about this at my age, is that you must seek information from the Public Service program in your county or state and they will explain to you what that program can do to help you. You might check with job services, your local college for training and possibly child care. You may have an older family to reach out to for advice and help right now. I wish you all the best, and thought it might be helpful to simply reassure you that you will be O.K., and there is possibly a much improved life ahead. L.

Hey A.,
I've had a few friends go through divorce with kids. My best suggestion is to at least consult a lawyer to make sure you don't cheat yourself out of what you need. As much as you want it to go along swiftly and without hard feelings, it's always best to be safe with some good legal advice. Some lawyers do Pro Bono cases(free services) if you fit their requirements.

On top of that, I highly suggest(if you can) seeing a counselor or 5 element acupuncturist to help you with any emotions that may pop up. In such a potentially stressful time it's good to be able to talk to someone who is not biased on either position.

Good luck and God bless
~T.

A.....I do not have legal advice to give you. I do want to say first...I will be praying for you. And, God will help you. Ask Him. Ask Him for every detail, every minute of your day. He will bring what and who you need to you to help. Do not rush. Take your time. Right now, life is awful. This will pass. One day this will be history. You will get through this...with God's help. He will become real to you. One day you will smile again. I am praying, and so are others.

Hi A.,

I am so sorry to hear about the situation you are in. Divorce is hard enough on a family, but adding in homosexuality stirs up so many other issues. It is important for you to take care of yourself and your girls - emotionally, financially, etc. You may need to get a lawyer involved just to make sure you and your husband are in agreement on how to handle the custody and financial support issues. As far as your emotional well-being, there are organizations out there that offer support to those struggling with homosexuality and those affected by the struggle. If you are in the Denver area, contact Where Grace Abounds at ###-###-#### or ____@____.com you are not in Denver, WGA can direct you to someone in your city. Please contact them and get the support you need. I will be praying for you! C. M

My first suggestion is that the children should always be encouraged to love their father. This helps them NOT be put in the middle of anything. I was a divorced momma of 3 girls and my girls have grown into nice young ladies that love their father and have him in perspective and knew all the time that it was never their fault.
As for your and your services that are or should be available to you. If you have a job, keep working. If you are able to, get to your local Office of Public Assistance, that is your local food stamp/cash assistance/medicaid, etc until you earn enough money to support yourself and the girls. Check out your local Human Resource office to see if they can help you with low income housing, etc. You can check with the office of public assistance to see who they use for daycare. That will help you get started on what your options are and they will help you fill out paperwork on a parenting plan and child support. You also may want to check out your local health department to see if you can get the girls on WIC (Women, Infants, & Children) this will provide you with cheese, milk, peanut butter, cereal that you and the girls will need to help them grow strong in their bones, etc. You may have a local food bank in your area to use as you need to. You can usually talk to a lawyer as a free consultation, or you can check your local listings for a Self Help Law Center or State Legal Services. We have them here in Montana to help those who can't afford to get their own attorney. You should be able to look up on line in your area what the state legal laws are on custody. I filed joint custody with me being the primary parent. You will need to not sign anything until someone looks it over that you can trust to make sure that you are covered. In Montana, we do not have alimony as part of a normal divorce..
As for you being able to pick up the pieces, we women are so strong willed. Time does heal, but know that you are not at fault. Talk a friend or family member that will help you not get angry, but rather move on. God helped me through mine, but not everyone believes in Him. I whole heartedly do. I truly found myself through my divorce. It has helped me to know who I really am and what God meant to me while I went through this. My girls have been so forgiving of me and my decision and they have been able to allow their dad to be who he is and still love him. No he is not gay too. I can not feel how you are feeling right now, but I hope you become who you need to be for you and your girls. I have been Happily married now for 14 years. Do what you need to do. I hope this helps you. K

Get a family counselor and a lawyer. This is a difficult and traumatic situation for everyone in your family. You need professional help. I'm sorry. Hugs.

Oh A., I am so sorry that this is happening to you. My father said the same thing to my mother when I was around 4 years old. He was also a laywer and made it a very vicious, bitter divorce. While I don't know the legalities of your situation, one thing I would recommend is to NOT bad-mouth your husband to your daughters. My mother was very good about this (with a few slip-ups) and it really let me have a relationship with my father that I am grateful for. They didn't talk to me about the other, even though I know now that they truly HATE each other for so many reasons. I know it is very hard, but try to keep their dad in a neutral or positive light in your conversations with your daughters.

I know you don't want to go to a lawyer, but my advice would be to do so. Especially because you have children. To make sure that they are provided for. It will be hard enough on you and the children when you do divorce. Not knowing if you are going to get any support from him will only add to your stress. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I will keep you in my prayers. Going through a divorce is hard enough. If you have any family in the area, they could also be a source of support for you.

I am a single mother and there is help through the county that you live in. Call the county and they will get you a worker to help you with any questions you have.

A., you need to get a lawyer. Even though you think everything will be agreeable. Do it for you and your kids. It will be the hardest thing you have to go through but will be so glad that you did. Good luck and stay strong for you!!

You need to get ahold of your state's Child Enforcement. They will send you paperwork, don't lose anything on your soon to be ex, like SS#, driver's license #, where he is working. Then you need to call your courthouse and see if you can access the divorce papers on line and print them out so you both can look them over and ask the courthouse if there is people there that can help you fill out the paperwork. In WA, my first divorce I had help from a couple of gals that work at the courthouse and they met with me a couple of times. Good Luck

Hi A.! First of all I want to say that I am so sorry this is happening to your family. I know that right now you are overwhelmed with emotion, anxiety, fear, anger,confusion....just to name a few. I have been divorced twice, so these are very familiar to me. I can't say that I dealt with the "gay" part, but I have dealt with all the above emotions. My first advise to you is to surround yourself with people who love you, but don't rely too much on their advice, as most likely none of them have EVER gone through what you are going through. Second, your kids need YOU (so get rest...if possible and just love them). It is probably better that this is happening now, because your kids will NOT remember any of it. It is so much harder when they are older, but either way it is no fun. If your husband is being cooperative, see if you can go to mediation with one attorney and get it all taken care of. I would suggest that you find an attorney and ask him all of your questions before anything is done. If anything the attorney can get you started down the right path and make sure you understand all the legal issues, especially regarding your kids. It might not hurt to just talk to a couple different attorneys for a consult and see which one you feel more comfortable with. You will have moments of dispare, but getting rest, exercise and looking to the future and not the present will help you get through. I don't know much about you or your beliefs, but if you believe in God....lean on HIM and let him carry you when you can't do it on your own. I wish you the best and hope some of this personal experience will give you something to start with. Please email me if you want to chat about anything...or just need a listener..

Find a church that can offer you and your children support, only God can truly heal the broken heart, and I'm sure you have many questions. Good luck, I'll be praying for you and your family.

Your best bet is to hire a good Divorce attorney and have him pay for it. You want you and your children protected as much as possible and for your husband to be responsible for his children also. It's heartsick that this has come about, but look with in yourself and your hirer power to help you through this. Keef with in the NOW and the future will come together. If you would like an ear to bend, I am a good listener. ###-###-####
J.

A.: I am so sorry about what you're going through. You will be fine - just remember you are in the thick of it right now but in 6 months or a year from now you will be happy again - I promise. And - I know you're not thinking about it now but you will meet and find someone incredible to share your life with. I don't know a lot about State help, but I am a lawyer and want to encourage you to get one to help you with your divorce - I know you don't want to, but you need to think of taking care of you and your kids financially now AND in the future. Your husband has obligations and you have a lot to deal with - please talk to someone to help you. If you don't have money to do that, go to the legal aid society or call the State Bar for a referral. It will be the best thing for you and your kids. I wish you all the best and know that you will be fine. Might I also suggest an incredible book for you to read right now - it's called "Happily Ever After - Walking Through a Year of Divorce with Peace and Courage" by Kristin Armstrong (Lance Armstrong's ex-wife)- it will lift your spirits. Good luck.

I'm so sorry for everything you are going thru. I know that you don't want to get a lawyer, but it really wouldn't be a bad place to start. I live in colorado and once a month there is a day when you can get free leagal info. It is posted in our phone book. Maybe you should browse thru your phone book to see if there is anything like that where you live. You can also look into medicaid. Again I'm so sorry. Feel free to email me if you need to talk. Take care and good luck!

A.,

I am so sorry that you and your children have to go through this!!
Let me tell you though, you must, must, must get leagle advise!! I know what a burden getting a lawyer involved can be, but NOT doing it will, I promise, be worse!!
God luck to you and your girls. Your a good mom and a good person, things will work out for you.

Get a LAWYER I know you don’t want to cause waves but just think have you ever gone through this before, do you really know what you are doing. Don’t think of it as a bad thing. Lawyers know the law and can help you expedite the case. It is way less stressful and you know things are getting done correctly and fairly. I personally think going at this without legal council is going to put more stress on you when you’re obviously already stressed to the max with your husband’s recent news. Good luck to you and your kids. Just remember for the kids sake keep it civil divorce is so hard on them!

A.,
I've been thru the divorce part. Getting it over quickly is good, but I must say, getting an attorney is well worth the money. If it's amicable it won't cost as much as you might think. He may say something now and change his mind later. It's best to just have that built in protection from someone who knows the system. You want your kids to be taken care of for the long haul, not just now when he feels like it!

Hi A.! I have never been through a divorce, but I have been through child visitation issues and child support. From my experience, you will definitely need a lawyer. Though it is possible to just work out an agreement amongst yourselves, I think it is EXTREMELY important for you to have it legally established as to who is the custodial parent, etc. If you don't do that, he could take your children at any time with or without your approval and there would be nothing you could do about it. Even if you guys get along like a dream now, that's not to say things won't get nasty later and it is best to get these things established to start with so you don't regret it later. There are resources for the child support issues and every state has a child support enforcement office. Usually those services are free or require a $20 fee and they will help you with everything regarding your child support, including going to court with you. I'm sure you could find that in the phone book. Hope this helps! Good luck girl, this sounds like it will be very difficult.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, A.! I would suggest mediation and/or couple and family therapy. Mediation would help you through the divorce and the therapy can help the two of you sort out what you're each looking for after you get through this situation and also help you figure out the best approach with your children. Again, I'm so sorry that you're going through this and I wish you the best of luck in all of this. In my opinion, the best way to get through something like this would be nothing but open communication. Hang in there!
K.

I am sorry about your loss!! And that is what it is when a marriage ends, I have sorda been in your position and I think everyone before gave some good advice, I just wanted to let you know that this morning I saw a thing for Dr.Phil and he is having this exact topic on today, so you might be interested, I don't always agree with him but sometimes he makes sense. I hope everything works out for you and your family.

First Thing get your own lawyer. I know it makes it sound like you are in a BIG DIRTY fight but you are now. Your lawyer will answer any questions that you might need answered. Next just because your married relationship is at an end dont let that affect your friendship if poss. Your children will see this and it will help with the change in life.
B. M

I know there are pell grants and other federal and state programs to help women get more education or start businesses. After working out the divorce and child support issues, look into some professions that pay well and you could go to school to make a better life with your children. Radiology techs make good money as do dental hygenists and so many others. That way, you can move forward and down the road be able to support your kids in a great way. I would also suggest not talking specifics with family because after you are over certain issues, they still carry them around and don't get over them. It skews perspectives and causes hard feelings way after the fact. Best of luck. You can get through this, we are all pulling for you!! God knows you and will help you handle this.

I am so sorry. This must be very difficult for you. I don't know much about child care, but I do know a bit about protecting yourself financially. If you have any debt, like a car payment or joint credit cards, you MUST get your name removed from the credit cards and any loans that you are not going to be responsible for. Many women think that because their husband got one car in the divorce they are not responsible for it anymore. This is absolutely not true. If your name can be linked to that car in any way you are financially responsible for it if he doesn't make the payments. This happened to my sister in law and she ended up having to declare bankruptcy to keep the creditors from taking money from her and her new husband's checking account to pay for her ex-husband's bills. The best move, as far as credit cards go, is to cancel all of your credit cards and close all bank accounts that you have with your husband to make sure you cannot be connected with him financially in any way. Good luck and I wish you all the best.

Get a lawyer - because you never know... The cost will be worth it. There are many places where you can get free law help from a non-profit. they are named different things depending on where you are. IT is so heartbreaking to find out the person you love has been lying to you - do something theraputic, like burning a photo of him, or something. That helped me when my man lied to me. Anyway get a lawyer. It is worth it.

I can't even pretend to understand what you must be going through. I am so sorry, and hope that you can find some great support and information to help you, your kids and your husband get through this.

It's going to sound strange, but there have been a few Oprah shows about this. I just went to Oprah.com and put "my husband is gay" in the search box, and got a few links that could be helpful to you. One was a book you can read for this specific situation.

I know it would be difficult to hire a lawyer (financially), but I would encourage you to approach this divorce with some legal counsel. If anything, it will assure support and clear expectations for your kids' futures. Legal doesn't mean that things have to get ugly. It is your insurance that things are done correctly, and with your children's best interests at heart. You can start by going to www.completecase.com - put in that you're living in utah, and perhaps by reading what is said on the site, it can lead you in the right direction. From reading that site quickly, it sounds like there's a way to file in Utah without hiring counsel. They tell you that official forms can be picked up from your county court, and hopefully you'll get some good information from that.

You must be very overwhelmed and devastated - I am so sorry to hear your news. Hopefully you'll get some really valuable help and direction from your posting. I just felt like I needed to respond to you - every little bit helps.

Hi A.,
You have already received more advice than you could possibly wade through but I have one more thing to add. You can file your own divorce online. Go to the utah courts site (search it, I don't know the address any more) There is an online filing system that takes you step by step through the basics of child support and custody. You can type it all out and if you both agree you can file it for about $200. The site will figure out child support amounts for you based on the income you enter. It was also helpful for me to meet with an attorney for a consultation. It cost me $50 and she gave me some helpful info. There is also a legal aid group inside the downtown courthouse that can help you.
As far as your kids go can I just say that the best advice I received was when someone said "If the adults are okay the kids will be okay" (Even though I'm sure you are not feeling great right now)Show your little ones that it is okay to be sad but that you and their Dad are still okay and that you will still be their parents just in 2 different houses. When they are older you will have bigger issues to tackle but at their young ages that is all they need to know now. Just that they and the parents they love are still safe and okay. And once you decide on a visitation schedule, stick to it as much as possible until the kids are older. My kids really needed that predictability in their weeks. By doing all of those things in my life I believe we made a normal life for my girls even in a divorced situation.
Good luck to you. I guess I had more than one thing to add. You can certainly see from all of the postings that you are not alone.

Well it really depends on were you live I would call the local state welfare office. That is how I did it to begin with and ask them any help they may provide you!! As far as the divorce, go to the local website for the court house in your area and they should have a self help section that should give you some free advice or papers on haow to proced with the divorce!!! Best of luck to you and your to little ones!!!

Dear A.,
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this divorce, and please remember that people are here to support you as much as they can. I have not had to deal with a divorce, never mind one that involved a husband that is gay, so I can not give you advice from experience. I do however, have a daughter who has had to deal with it, and I hope she will see this, and respond. I can tell one important thing, however...do not let ANYONE say anything negitive about their father infront or near your children! As they ask questions about where he is,& why, just answer their question as simply & lovingly as you can. Make sure that they know he loves them, and did not leave them. This must be a very hard thing for him to deal with as well. He must still care about you, and I am sure if you talk to HIM about what he wants you to say to them, as a team, you will be able to keep them secure about the break-up. You need to find some local support, people who know what you are going through. AND make sure you keep yourself healthy by eating well, getting plenty of sleep, and getting out around other people. You will not be able to face everything mentally if you have not taken care of yourself. Do you have your family around you? Parents, sisters, brothers......friends? Let them help you, if they are. I will keep you in my prayers & thoughts.

A.,

Wow, First you are very strong, even if you don't feel like it at the moment.

Call the human resourse department in your county. They can be found in the government section of the phone book. Get a list of all services.

You can apply to recieve child support in the same place. I don't think you will need a lawyer for that. They will be insistant on that when you apply for help. It requires a lot of paper work. I suggest a glass of wine, and good music while filling out the paperwork.

I know you don't want to involve a lawer, but if your husband gets one I suggest you do the same.

I have found that honesty works best for kids. I wouldn't use to much detail but the truth is good. Don't forget to tell them it is in no way their fault, a lot. They will need to hear that.

The only way I have found to move on is to take care of what needs done. Make sure you are financially ok. Perhaps a therapist or group, I saw a therapist and it helped me figure out who I am and how to get on with my life. I also go to a group, it helps me not feel so alone. They may also be able to help with the information you are looking for.

Last but not least. This is NOT your fault and you did nothing wrong.

Good luck.
S.

A. I don't have the advice or answers to your questions, but if you have a Crisis Center in your area, they will. They may not give you answers, but they always have a reference of people that you can talk to. They are not just there for women (or men) of domestic violence, they are there for us when we have a crisis. Please give the one in your area a call and ask them to give you some references of people and organizations that will help you.

I will keep praying for you and your family. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will get through this. God only gives us that which we can handle. You can do this. Though you and I both know it is not something that you want to do, you can do this.

You have a lot of friends here at Mamasource that will keep you in our thoughts and prayers. Hang in there. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I am here for you.

My first husband and I divorced when our children were 1 and 2 years old. Though he wasn't gay, we just didn't make it together. We did decide right away though that we would remain friendly for our children's sake. We went to school programs, birthday parties, plays, recitals together and worked at it very hard. It wasn't alway easy, but it worked. Now that our children are grown with children of their own, we enjoy family get togethers with our current spouses, and everyone gets along great. It has really been a blessing for our children and for our grandchildren to see that two adults can work hard to make life better for their children. So please try to keep it friendly throughout your children's lives. It makes it so much better for everyone involved.