I Just Started Taking My Child to Day Care and Already Can See 2 Rude Moms

When I go to events like that and I see a mom standing by herself (foreign or not) I try to remember to go over and say hello and talk to her. I try not to take it personally when there are some women who seem "click-ish" with other women. I give them the benefit of the doubt...they have known each other for years or they are shy about meeting new people. They are busy and never get to chat with their friend. They mean to talk to the unknown woman but they run out of time. Or they are not good at making new friends. Or whatever. I try not to really think about that and instead I try to chat with or get to know as many women as possible with the goal that eventually I may make a new friend. These things take time. I have been lucky in life that I don't often run into "mean girl" groups of women...although I have heard of such a thing. If I came across that situation I would just stay polite but probably not put in time trying to get close to people like that.

Some people are just like it. Don't take it personally, and definitely don't spend any energy worrying about it. Be polite, as always, and just live your life.

If they are going to bully the other volunteers, don't volunteer. Either they will realize that they are the problem, or they will end up doing everything themselves because no one wants to work with them. Either way, it's not your problem. Let it go.

I'm having trouble picturing what you mean by rude. Are you talking about pick up and drop off at your daycare? If so, I know that none of the parents at my daycare stop and chat at these times. In the morning, I am rushing to drop off and get to work. In the afternoon, I am rushing to pick up so we can do dinner, homework and after school activities. No one I know uses this as a social time... Beyond a simple good morning or hi, most of us don't interact much...

Chat with the other foreign moms or anyone else that seems friendly. To heck with the nasty moms! FYI - this isn't just a foreign mom thing. I am a working mom and get SO shunned by the SAHMs! Mean girls still exist - they are just all grown up now. Sad but true.

I'm not sure why you would care to be friendly with rude people. I think you should also question why this would hurt you so much. They seem to be the ones lacking common curtesy so would you really want to be friends with them anyway. You can't do anything about others behavior and since they are not even friends I'm not sure why you would even try or want to.

Are you the type person that easily feels slighted? Your post suggest the woman don't like you because you are a foreigner. I think that is a big leap to make. Perhaps they are just cliquey. Perhaps they have been BFFs since grade school. Who knows, who care. If I were you I would not want them for friends.

I am curious though why mom's would be volunteering at a daycare center. I never heard of that.

there are rude people everywhere. you have to choose to ignore them and move on. don't pay any attention to them an dyou won't notice how "rude" they are.

Why do you let it get to you?
Good grief, you're calling them bullies as well? Parents don't volunteer at day care centers.

You need to get a thicker skin. There will be people you interact with that you may not like.., it's a part of life.

Why not treat them with kindness and they way you want to be treated. Maybe you are putting of some sort of attitude that is a put off to others.

Don't always blame other people.... Look in your mirror and see what type of person you are acting like.

It's going to be a long summer on MMP, I can already tell!

Perhaps they aren't comfortable being friendly to you yet. Maybe they are unsure whether you speak English, and think that they wouldn't know what to say to you or how to respond.

Please don't think of the moms as American or foreigners. You are all mothers. Whether a mom recently moved to this country, or can trace her roots back to George Washington, at heart, we're moms. We love our kids.

Try smiling at them, and thinking of them as moms, not identifying them by their ancestry or country of origin. Say a polite hello and go about your business.

But perhaps you have found a daycare where two mothers have enrolled their children, and they feel they are superior to everyone else, because they are more beautiful, or get better manicures, or have more money, or their husbands are elite businessmen, or their children are supposedly smarter, or any one of a million reasons. Moms (and all humans) like them exist everywhere. Are they annoying? Sure. Would we sometimes like to take them down a peg or two? Sure. Do we wish they were more likeable and kind? Of course. Sometimes their reasons are not entirely their own fault - their parents instilled in them a sense of superiority and they have been groomed their whole life to be snobs. Sometimes their reasons are fear, anxiety, nervousness, hate, or low self esteem. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why some people are just unpleasant.

But we don't let them get on our nerves, and we don't let them ruin our days. Respond by making sure that everyone at that daycare says, when they go home, isn't L. M helpful? She's always got a pleasant smile and always says thank you to the staff. How refreshing that is!

You're responsible for YOUR actions, and for raising children who will be kind, productive, and helpful citizens.

Some people are hard to figure out, and there is just no point in trying. Are they kind to all the children?? That would really be all I care about. Sounds like there may be some other moms there that could use a friend. I would concentrate on them.

Not sure what you mean by rude (?) My kids didn't go to daycare but they did go to preschool. I hardly even spoke to the other moms, I just signed my kids in and out, gave them a kiss and a hug and chatted with the teachers for a minute or two. Maybe these other mothers are just busy like I was. Also I had my own friends and didn't feel the need to hang around preschool hoping someone would talk to me.
I think you should concentrate on your own hobbies, family, interests and friends. Why worry about people you don't even know?

When my kids were in daycare, I did not talk to the other moms much. I was always in a hurry - my goal was to get there, drop off fast (minimizing separation angst for my kid), and get to work on time. I was not there to make friends with the other moms, I had a schedule to keep.

These other moms may be like I was, and I suggest that you not take this personally.

I don't know what your definition of 'super rude' is - perhaps you could give a few examples.
Also - why does rude hurt you?
I work with one or two people whose feelings get easily hurt.
If you don't say 'good morning' in just the right way they get all bent out of shape.
I'm not trying to be mean - but they see 'mean' pretty much when ever they want to.
My feeling is - I'm not responsible for their happiness or lack thereof.
I'm just doing what I always do and no one else thinks it's rude - so if they really want to be pissed off - they are entirely free to do so.
It has nothing to do with me.

It takes all kinds!
Just smile and nod and be friendly no matter what.
Chances are they just don't know you.

Read your added info and SWH - thank you, that helps in understanding what is going on.

These moms probably don't see their role as going around welcoming everyone and making sure everyone is included. I would just focus on being warm and genuine and not letting this get to you. You can always chat with the other moms.

I quote you here:

"If you are a Christian, you should behave like one."

Many wars, slavery, and other atrocities were done in the name of Christianity. I am a believer, but I know the history of America and Christianity--it was not pretty.

No one can hurt my feelings unless I let them. You can choose to be hurt or to just not pay attention.

I'm confused about your statement about how Christians should act. Christians are people who act in different ways. These women don't pay attention to you and other women of color. How is this rude? Why would you care if they are rude? You actually don't have to pay any attention to them. Perhaps you're trying to be friendly. If so, they are letting you know they don't want to be friends. Yes, it may be a race thing. Likely it's not. We become friends with people with whom we share interests, values, and lifestyle. I suggest the only thing you have in common is children in this daycare. I suggest she rolled her eyes because you're trying too hard to get her attention. It's like saying, "there she goes again." I wonder why you don't smile and walk on by when you're in their personal space.

I learned that different cultures have different expectations concerning social interaction. When I talked with one of the deputy district attorneys she stood so close, I was uncomfortable. I learned that she is Jewish. Being physically close was a part of Jewish culture. I relaxed, knowing that.

You're from another country and likely a different culture. You have a handicap when judging the ways someone not from your culture act. Actually why are you judging them at all? You've decided they are not acting like Christians. God is our only judge. He says to love our neighbor as we love ourselves.

You say there are other moms of different cultures. Why aren't you making friends with them? You said a mom and child stood in the corner and these two didn't do anything to make them feel included. What did you do to make them feel included?

Why is it important that these two women befriend you? Why is it important that they act according to your idea of what Christians should act like? Why are you spending time and energy thinking and judging these women? I urge you to let go of your hurt feelings and focus on meeting people who can be your friends. You want them to mingle and smile. You won't change them. You can mingle and smile and make friends.

After thought. You're in Texas. How do you know these other moms are foreign? Texas has many people who look Mexican that are American citizens.

I am a white woman. When my kids first stated going to school, the moms who had been there for years before and knew each other didn't come up to me and beg me to be their friend. I had to introduce myself and be friendly. There is a huge ethnic variety where I live and woman of all backgrounds are friendly or not, no one is ignored simply because of their skin tone. Where I live at least. People will be ignored because of their behavior or actions, but not simply because they don't look the same. It's a complete shame if that is the truth on what is happening.

But you need to make the effort to go make friends. And the other moms do too. Maybe they don't want to make friends with the moms who have been friends for years? Maybe they don't want to socialize and they just happen to have a different skin color? Who knows. I think you're jumping the gun to use that excuse though.

Rude is not doing your best to feel comfortable. They can't make you feel any type of way...so you need to make yourself happy.

I also disagree with you that the room mom needs to be friends with everyone. The role of room mom is to help the teacher with events, getting information out, etc. Not to become friends with everyone.

The Christian behavior from you would be to not judge these woman because they don't talk to you, but to make an effort to get to know them. It goes both ways.

Can you elaborate more to answer the questions some others Mamapedia members have raised?

Is this a licensed day care center? Is it a for-profit or a non-profit institution? In a for-profit program, there should not be volunteers getting in your way. In a non-profit, I can see that there might be some need for volunteers, not necessarily in the child care room, but in other areas. When I was in 2 different community centers (both as a volunteer and as an employee), there was a need for volunteers to run fundraisers to make up the difference between child care fees and actual expenses. Sometimes, those who have been there for a long time have a sense of ownership of the program. That's not always helpful and it can be off-putting to new people coming in. However, when I was a board member at the center, I can tell you that it was the responsibility of the volunteers to really reach out to make connections to new parents and even to returning parents. However, parents were not volunteers in the classrooms except for very special programs where extra help was needed (visiting firefighters, visiting vet with animals, holiday parties, etc.).

If you are foreign-born, you are, unfortunately, used to some people not being so welcoming or open. But be careful not to label everyone that way. I don't know how long you have been in this country, but if it's a relatively short amount of time, are you positive that you understand the body language and the common slang used by these women? Is it possible that you are misreading what they say/do?

And if you are new to day care in general, is it possible that you are wanting to stay in the room longer, when the center staff may feel it's better to say a quick goodbye to your child and then leave? Maybe you are feeling that they are rushing you out of the room and you see that as rudeness, when in fact it is very likely that this is viewed as a benefit to your child to not belabor the farewell rituals and to help the child transfer quickly to the caregivers? That is very common in day care centers, and while it may feel odd or dismissive to you, it isn't meant that way at all.

What's important is that you not let other people's behavior upset you so much. If people are jerks, you cannot let them hurt you so much. It says more about them than it does about you. You cannot make other people have manners. Your entire concern should be with the caregiver working with your child. If you feel that person is unprofessional, then speak privately to the center director. While there, you can ask what the recommended policy is for drop off and pick up, and ask if you are misreading anything on the part of the other parents/volunteers. If you don't feel welcome and are reading it correctly, then the director needs to know. If you are misreading it, the director may be able to help you understand what people's intent is, and what you should do to make things better.

My feeling from your brief post is that you are new to this situation and that you may need more information and experience with the day care center to fully evaluate the reception you are getting. I hope that, if you reach out for help and understanding, they will assist you in making the transition to day care mom.

One thing to consider - as mothers we are responsible so incredibly many hours of the day for other people. Our children, our husbands sometimes, our aging parents sometimes and so on. If these women are room moms, they've taken on even more responsibility. Be grateful! Their job is to help the teacher and the kids, not other moms!! Why is making you feel welcome their responsibility? If I get a chance to talk with friends at school, that's what I want to do. I don't want to be the welcome wagon to every mother there. I am pleasant and friendly but sorry, I don't get a lot of time for "me" as it is. And as a Caucasian, I've been left out by other ethnic groups. I don't really care. I understand they have something in common and I hang out with other people. In your case, there are 3 other mothers on their own. Go talk to them.

since it's daycare you need to talk to the director about what is going on, I am sure she does not want that reputation for her business, give her exact details so she understands, write them out and go over them, get as many instances as you can so she has information, the director is who should be addressing this
emphasize that you want the example for the children to be one of inclusion not bullying and that this is very important to the children to be taught the proper way to be towards other cultures

You should volunteer as room mom. Be the change you want to see in the world.

What I don't get is why you let that other mom stand in the corner by herself. Why didn't you go and talk to her? Shouldn't matter that you're new to the school. Friendly is friendly. Pleasant is pleasant. Don't expect other people to show behaviors that you aren't willing to exhibit yourself.