I Have No Control over My 5 and 6 Year Old Daughters

This behaviour did not happen overnight. You should never give them anything they want when behaving in this manner. I would separarate them for a least an hour at a time with any fighting. Separate rooms with only books to read. No TV or anything else. Not listening means an early bedtime as the "Doctor" said when they behave that way they are just overly tired. Try to give some one on one attention whenever possible. Out to lunch. a shopping trip or whatever you can arrange leaving the other with friends,hubby or whoever possible. This special time should be earned by good behaviour. I would suggest you go to Dr John Rosemand's website for help on changing your situation with these two. His ideas are very helpful and not at all abusive. V.

Tell them that as long as they fight, they don't watch tv. Stand by your guns, don't give in. 1 week no tv, separate rooms (living room and bedroom) helps. Tell them they can't play together at all for a week.

www.loveandlogic.com I love these way of parenting. It basically changes the way 'we' react to the behavior. No yelling, no fussing, no repeated warnings. It actually makes parenting enjoyable. And honestly, I look forward to my kids making mistakes. I love to give them my chores to do because they 'drain my energy'. I use that phrase and when I do, they know to either straighten up or get ready to work.

I'd love to give you an example of something I did a few years ago with my boys (they are currently 10 and 11yo). They had been fussing a little more than usual and it was driving me crazy. So one morning I got up and I walked into the living room and said in a normal voice....'Boys, feel free to fuss with one another as much as you want to today. I have a lot of chores to do on my list and I really need the extra help." Then I walked away. I really did want some help with my chores (they have their own chores too...laundry, vacuuming, etc.) but I had some extra things that I needed to get done. I really thought I would get their help that day. Do you know they didn't fuss not one time with each other that day?

I was so proud of them and I told them so. One of the boys told me that 'it wasn't because of the chores either'. I just smiled. lol

Remember that the consequences don't have to be immediate. You have to be calm in order to dish that out. L&L is wonderful and it makes it fun to parent.

Hello K.,

I could just imagine your frustration. Have you talked to your husband about what you are feeling and how the girls are behaving? Sometimes we automatically assume men know what we need when actually they don't. We have to verbalize it, especially if our husbands came from a family that did not have a true "father figure" in the home and where the mother was the primary disciplinarian.

Also, with the girls, are you talking to them to get them to mind or are you yelling? This can have a major influence on if they will listen to you or not. Sometimes with my kids I notice if I TALK to them sternly they will get the point. I have to take them by the arm and pull them close to me, looking them straight in the eye, telling them what I mean for them to do at that point. I also let them know what I will do if they don't do what I said. And if they don't do what I said I enforce what I said that I would do to them. We have to make sure not to bulge in "REINFORCING our threats". This works better for me than when I YELL at them because I think when we yell it lets them see that we are out of control of the situation and as parents we don't want that to happen.

Also, if they are in school already, try when they come home to have something structured for them to do, like 30 minutes of homework?, board games, and then move on to something else until dinner and bedtime (make sure you have a set bedtime). While this probably won't completely stop them from acting-up, children just seem to behave better when they have a routine/set schedule to go by. They like to know whats coming next. It kind of not leave room for bad behavior. This also helps relieve stress on our part as well. NOTE: If they are not in school yet then try to set a schedule for them all day at home (from the time they get up until the time they go to bed).

FIRST AND FOREMOST THOUGH, TRY TO GET DADDY INVOLVED AS THE PRIMARY DISCIPLINARY AS THIS SHOULD BE HIS ROLE IN THE HOME.

I hope this helps!

Take care,
N.
Mommy to 19 yr old daughter, 4 yr old daughter, 2 yr old daughter and a baby on the way!!!

I had typed a response, and then had a computer fart that erased it. It was long, but I think I will just share my basis for discipline and if you would like any further information from me in particular, feel free to send me a private message.

You need to begin by having a very frank and open discussion with your husband. You need to have a united front in order for any discipline efforts to be successful. After you have that, you need to decide what exact behaviors are not acceptable and put it down in writing. Have a family meeting, and explain to your children how things are not working well within your family unit and simply MUST change. Spell out the behaviors that you are no longer going to tolerate, then also spell out the consequences for the behavior if they choose to continue. Make sure they understand that it is entirely their option, but that you will enforce the consequence. Then consistently enforce! It is hard to make any change, but very hard when it concerns changing children's behaviors. Having a plan in place, having support, and then consistency are really the steps that you need to take to take back control!

First and foremost, I check my behavior. If I'm pissed of at my husband, or stressed out from work/home issues. My daughter feels it and reacts to it.

Next, I'd check diets. It's not unusual to have lactose allergies, sensitivities to food dyes, etc. that cause behavioral issues. Also, if they are eating a lot of processed convenience foods and not whole foods, I'd make the switch. Chuck it all, change your eating habits and see if that makes a difference. Also, if they are in school and coming home and fighting, it could be that they are just HUNGRY. My mom to this day complains that if she didn't feed us as soon as we got home from school, we were a complete mess the rest of the night.

Third, I'd read the book Siblings Without Rivalry. Make sure they are each getting their own "me" times with mom AND dad.

Fourth, make sure you are all getting enough sleep. If 2-3 pm "quiet" times are needed, so be it.

Fifth, Give up the need for control. Parenting is not about having to hold "control" over your children. They in and of themselves have their own personalities and needs. You all need to learn to live consensually and respectfully together. Make the rules and "punishments" together. Behavior effects EVERYONE in the family and they should be apart in working towards a more peaceful living. Dad needs to be involved in this planning too.

I second Dannelle's advice. The "Siblings Without Rivalry" book is considered a classic these days. Those same authors wrote another book that you might find equally useful called "How to Talk So Your Children Will Listen (and Listen So Your Children Will Talk)."

Try to avoid getting into power struggles with them because then it just becomes a battle of wills. The only way you can win is if they lose, and they'll fight hard to keep from losing. And feel miserable when they do. (And it's even worse when *you* lose.) Easier said than done, I know - but it will pay off in spades once your children are cooperating with you rather than fighting you every step of the way.

I can point you to a couple of good resources. Personally, I didn't like the 1,2,3 Magic book at all because it completely shuts down all useful communication. Instead, I like the books "Positive Discipline" and "How to Behave, So Your Children Will Too."

And put that husband to work - light a fire under his butt if you have to. Let him know that he *can* be replaced. ;-)

I like the book: 123 Magic. I talks about discipling without the emotions. It is when you show emotions that your kids know they are pushing your buttons and continue doing what they know they are not supposed to do. This book talks about every way you can help your kiddies be more disciplined.

I hope this helps and good luck.