I really dont know if Im overreacting here or if it's legit to feel this way, but my husband does not help me a lot. I am a SAHM and he works 40 hrs a week, usually 7am-3:30pm, and is home by 4. I do EVERYTHING for our kids. I do all of my DS's diapers (I cant remember the last time my DH changed a diaper!!), I feed them, bathe them, dress them, put them to bed. All he does is work. Now, I will say, he works hard...and I tell him all the time how much I appreciate how hard he works. But, I feel like I work hard too! Even if I ask him to change a diaper he goes into child mode and says, "Whaaaaattt? Seriously??"...so needless to say, Ive stopped asking. Its probably been about 2 yrs since he did bathtime. Even back then it was a struggle to get him to help. He whines if he has to do anything like that and ends up making me feel guilty for asking him to do it. Im just tired....I think its unfair that he can get by with this and I get NO breaks. I always get up with the kids if they wake up in the night or if theyre sick or whatever. Then he gets offended if the kids always want me instead of him. Im annoyed and Im tired of being the only one who does things for the kids. Am I being unfair in feeling this way?? I just dont know what to do or say anymore. Any advice is so appreciated. Thanks!
Sounds like me except I do every single thing. I mean everything! All he does is make the money. And on top of that I get zero affection. Hopefully you are at least getting a hug once in a while.
My suggestion is to take an evening class of some kind once a week - an aerobics class, or pottery, or whever your interest is. Get a flyer from your local community college or gym and see what they offer. Getting out of the house for an hour a week for some "me" time will give you the break that you need. And, since you won't be there to take care of the kids for that hour, your husband will learn to step up and change a diaper. He might only change 1 diaper a week, but you'll feel better knowing that you got a break. And, in the long run, it may make your kids feel closer to your DH.
It sounds like you are not alone in your problem and I know others have faced this issue as well. My first reaction is to get rid of the word "help." Help implies that it is your job and he is doing you a favor. He should not "help" raise his kids, and he should not "help" around the house. He needs to do his part! My parents had very traditional roles but my mom was insistent that you don't "help" around the house and a man cannot "babysit" his own kids. The wording also goes toward setting expectations.
You've got some good advice -- talk to your husband and set the expectation that you and he will both work from 7:30 to 3:30 (and the commute time) but that you both need to split the rest. I understand taking the majority of the overnight issues if you are not the one going out of the house to work, but it doesn't mean you should take them all.
Good luck.
If he is at home by four and is tired then have him take a nap. Ask him again to change a diaper and if he says what seriously say,yes I am serious. Tell him I know you work hard but I am at home all day with the kids and I need some help. Tell him he is their dad and if he spent more time with them they would want to go with him. Let him know that he has a break away from home all day even though he is at work while you are at home with the kids. You need a mental break when he gets home from work. When you talk to him remember to stay calm and do not get emotional. If you get fustrated and start yelling then he will not hear a things you say. Do not be afraid to ask for help and for what you want. Good luck
I agree this is very common. You may see as your kids get older that he will help out much much more. There's something about dads where they feel it's still the 1950s. I hope this helps a bit.
So common! I don't think you're being unfair at all.
What he doesn't realize is how easy it would be for you to have a 40 hour/week job and then...poof--no more work.
I would say don't fall into the guilt trap. It's OK for him to do bath time 2 nights per week and change an occasional diaper! Sheesh.
A SAHM is O. of the hardest and under-appreciated jobs on the planet!
You said it yourself-he's been doing this for a couple of years, and even then it was a struggle, and he obviously won the battle asserting that he doesn't have to do certain things, and you gave up. He can't get by with this if you don't let him. You need a clear new set of rules and an ultimatum.
You may want to first take a weekend away to relatives or something leaving him in charge of the kids before having this conversation, so he sees how busy he is. Dont' tell him you're making a point, just tell him you have to go for whatever reason.
Or not.
Then have this conversation:
"You and I both work full time from 7am-3:30pm. You at your job. Me with the kids. We need to split the work at other times. These are not 100% my kids alone, the same way the things you buy with your paycheck are not 100% yours alone if you want us to be in your life. Let's figure out what is fair in sharing raising the kids when you get home on work days:
dinner
diapers
playing
bath
bedtime.
Pick which of these you can do.
Full days off:
Wake up/teeth brushing dressing
meals
playing
transport to activities
diapers
etc...pick what you will do.
If you seriously think you do not have to do any of these things because you have a job-which you would have to have even if you were a bachelor- so it's like you're getting a free family without doing anything extra- then let me know now, because this arrangement will not work for me, and we will not stay together.
You have to mean it. If you secretly can put up with this and continue to let him act this way, then don't bother with any false threats. I hope the best for you and your kids-there's a better life out there if you cannot fix this! My friends and I all have husbands who gladly help with the kids when they're home, and they all work full time. Good luck, be tough!
I would say he definitely needs to pitch in, but not sure how to make him. My husband and I had a long talk when our first DS was a few months old and I was feeling overwhelmed and we decided on a few things he could do to contribute.
Try explaining to him without sounding accusatory. I finally spelled it out for my husband happy wife (including a well-rested wife who sometimes gets breaks) = happy house and kids. He was taking my complaining as I wasn't appreciating all the work he was doing and I didn't like being home.
He was also frustrated because I was so tired at the end of the night I would collapse. He realized if he helped with say the dishes once in awhile, I wasn't so tired and had more time for him at the end of the night but if it was always up to me, time for him would be cut short.
Additionally, he told me he was feeling like I never had time/attention for him and so we worked out a plan that works for us. I go out of my way to give him the attention and listen to his day/work problems etc. and he is a lot more helpful too.
Good luck! This is not an easy situation, but if you approach it with a listening ear and an open mind, you may find out he is feeling a different kind of resentment and you can come to an agreement on him helping out more or giving you breaks while you can agree to help him with the areas he is frustrated in.
Tell him if you can't get the same daily break he does you two are going to have switch who stays home every two years.
Are you doing all the housework as well as all the baby stuff? Sometimes, you gotta let things slide. I'm not meaning let his attitude slide. why not just drop the baby in his arms and say "change his diaper, I need to wash the dishes", or something like that? I am lucky that my husband helps with everything, even if I was too tired to do anything all day long, he's really understanding and will do everything else.
Don't be afraid to hurt his feelings a little. Sometimes that is the only way to get something across. Every so often, I have an anger blow-out, where everything bugging me has been boiling around inside me, and all my speaking-points come out perfectly. Not that I'm advocating that, but you guys should have at least a once a week, or twice a month kind of deal where you let out what you're feeling, and he lets out what he's feeling.
