Husband Is Present, but Not an 'Involved' Dad

wow is he depressed or has he always been like this? I'd be unhappy if my boyfriend was like this and he's not even my daughter's dad. I'd sit and talk with him and tell him what you want out of a spouse and work on compromising. Tlak about how many nights a week are ok to go out. Give him some responsibilities as in Bobby needs to learn how to have a catch and play baseball why don't you work on that... Also put him in charge of books and bedtimes x number fo nights. You are more patient then I am. My boyfriend lives with M. and we've had these talks a few times on what each one of us wants and expects from the other person. I agree with others. You need to scehdule more nights out. THey need to bond with him

My F. Lady, I aint your Mother but If I was I would tell you to have a movie night with your husband and rent the movie "Courageous" and the two of you enjoy the movie alone. After the movie say nothing unless he wants to talk. If he does then get ready for bed and have "Pillow Talk". This is when the two of you get in the marriage bed and lay your heads on your pillows and just talk. Tell him what you feel not how you feel and allow him to do the same. The movies "Courageous" will get the talking started even if you are not religious. Again " I Ain't Your Mama" but if I was.... Love always Mrs. R..

I'm not sure if there's a way to make him be more involved, but I am wondering, do you ever do fun things together as a family, outside of the house/routine? My husband isn't super involved/hands on either but we made a point to do something pretty much every weekend when the kids were little: a day at the beach, theme park, zoo, museum, Chinatown, hiking/bike riding, etc. Those were the best times because we were all having fun and I think THOSE were the moments when my husband bonded with our kids the most. Maybe that's all your husband needs, some bonding time (?)

I just want to say, you're not alone. My situation is similar, and my kids are 5 & 3. Differences are I am a SAHM and husband works full time (7am-3:30pm). My husband is not an involved dad either and it has definitely taken a toll on our relationship. He doesnt do anything for our kids, unless he has to, like if I am really sick. It is a tough situation to deal with. I couldnt imagine dealing with it AND working full time. Wow. I am exhausted with everything, so I can't imagine how you must feel. And it's really hard trying to figure out why he wouldn't want to be involved with everything that these precious little people do. I love my kids more than anything, and sometimes it doesnt seem like he feels the same way. And I cant imagine how that is even possible.

Hang in there hun. Its tough and confusing and the decisions that you face are hard. I know. Message me if you want or need to talk about it. I know what you're going though.

So basically your hubby is used to being taken care of and I bet he kind of resents the fact that you now take care of the kids more than you take care of him.

He needs to grow up. Having a 3 and 5 year old is not really fun for anyone. They are demanding and need constant care and attention, not to mention how loud and messy they can be.

If you hang in there for another couple of years, I bet it will get better because the kids will be older and more able to do things with their dad and more able to learn things that he can teach them.

if he is good with the "fun" stuff that's a good sign. it's not like he's detached and doesn't really bond with them at all.

i would start planning some girls days or nights and let him know (with plenty of notice of course so he can clear his busy schedule - my husband hates to be asked to be in charge without notice - um...it's your child, that was your notice...but anyways....!) and disappear for a few hours at a time. YOU need it anyway! and it will be good for them.

my son is an only and at 5 years old my hubby is just now getting more responsible with him. with two, and the way you describe your dh, i'm sure he's just overwhelmed and doesn't feel like he's in his element - AKA he's scared.

force him to get over it. in a kind and loving way, of course. creative thinking on your part maybe, but you need to bite the bullet and do it. he may not do things like you do (ok leaving them in the car - obviously a huge screw up, but i'm sure he learned from it, right?) but he does need to be forced to take a bit more responsibility.

I would call up a girlfriend and schedule a mom's night out: go out to eat (even if it is taco bell or someplace cheap), see a movie (make it a dollar movie), go to the mall together (free), go get a manicure or pedicure (go to her house and do it there). You need a night out. Tell him oh by the way, I am going out with so and so tonight so you are watching the kids. And, tell him, You will feed them, you will bathe them, you will put them to bed and read them a story, etc. If your girlfriend cannot go then go by yourself. Do this once a week for about a month. Do not call while you are gone either. He takes lots and lots of time for himself so tell him that you really need some time for yourself. It is only fair and right for you to do so. After a month of this then ask him if he wants to do things as a family. Or, does he want you to continue the once a week getaway plan. I bet he will vote for the family time idea!

There's a lot going on here that should be addressed, for ONE, not only is he not spending a lot of time with the kids, but he isn't spending a lot of time with YOU!

But, I just wanted to mention ONE solution for now (I'm in a hurry), How about a situation where there is a family outing all day outside or in a situation where everyone works together. Row-boating, hiking, go to a farm, orchard, camping! (i know your kids are young, but I have four and their ages are all close together- it is possible to go out and do these things) etc. Day trip to SOMEWHERE doing something. Home is about 2 hrs away, picnic packed, etc... All of you would hopefully have fun and work TOGETHER.

Like I said, that is one idea, but there are many more issues that need to be addressed long-term. Good Luck. I know there are lots of parents on here with great advice.

Oh, BTW, for "personal time" My husband gets one day (not a whole day, but a chunk of it) and I get a day every week. It balances out everything. So, the rest of the time is together time or he's at work (I stay home). It is fair... because why should only one spouse go out and do everything!?!?

For my husband's day he is usually in the basement recording music. Me? It is pathetic, but I organize things at home w/o kids interrupting me (cause he takes them away for a while) or go shopping for the family... alone w/o kids. All I need is a break from the kids and I'm fine. LOL:) Would your husband be willing to compromise with that?

Heck no!

I think his expectations of a man's role as a parent are different from yours, and also just about every one else's in 2012 (or 1990).

He is parenting the way he was parented, with the mom doing the parenting. However, that does not fly anymore, because both parents work. Also, what dad would WANT it to fly, and miss out on all the fun and crazy stuff that happens? If my husband didnt change diapers, he wouldnt get the joy of complaining about it to his friends. :)

I'm disappointed in your husband and trying to think of a positive solution, because you need to be positive and constructive to help him be a better dad.

Can you talk to his mom? His friends? Do OTHER people he knows think its ok for a dad to say he doesnt enjoy parenting and just not do it?

Can you schedule some time that he is alone with the kids and HAS to parent? Take a part time job every Tuesday and Wednesday night and then he has to watch the kids?

Its hard for him to parent when the two of you are together, because you are and have been the main parent. Also, you do things differently and may inadvertantly undermine his attempts.

In the summer, I work long days and my hubby picks the kids up from daycare and gets them dinner every night. He is so much more confident because he has to deal with problems by himself - and he feels proud that he can do it.

Also - maybe schedule a family fun day every month - some all day outing that all of you do. We go to state parks, festivals, zoo, all together and the only rule is to try to be laid back and have fun.

He sounds emotionally detached from you and the kids (the car thing, wow). I know it feels really, really painful. Try to find out WHY he separates himself from you guys - you have very practical examples to give him. Tell him you feel he's distant and you feel sad for it...that you want to understand and help, if it's something you can help him with. See how he reacts, if he'll get angry there's somthing fishy (addiction, another woman and such or just plain disinterest for his family), if you see him sincerely interested in talking and fixing the problem, then there's hope. But he needs to realize what he's doing and speak up if something is bothering him. He needs to own his behavior ans show responsability. I hope it all turns out fixable. Good luck.

I'd try some counseling . . . no, I don't think you're over-reacting.

If that's how he truly wants it to be then I'd let him know we have to figure out a way for me to be an at-home mom so I can manage our kids' needs. And PS we need cleaning help. In other words it's going to cost him some $$$.

Nope. You're not overreacting one bit. My ex-husband was the exact same way. ALWAYS had an excuse. I was the only one who did anything for our son. I got fed up. Left. Found someone a million times better, who is a WONDERFUL husband and best of all--a wonderful FATHER! I was worried at first when my ex-husband took our son on his weekends because I knew he wouldn't know what he was doing. I'd put detailed notes in our son's bag and I'd text him reminders of things to do. Now, he's a pretty good dad to him. Forced him to take time for his son since he was the primary caregiver on the weekends. So, my son got a better dad out of the deal and a happier mom and an amazing step dad. Everyone's happy! Good luck in your decision about what to do.

I don't think you are overreacting. My ex was not really involved with the kids until I filed for a divorce. Then he was suddenly super dad and started doing all the things I wanted to do with them while we were together. It was simple things like going to the park, outtings ect.

In your case it sounds like he is afraid to be with the kids. What are his parents like? Some dads are just afraid to deal with small children, afraid they will do something wrong. I suggest counseling. If you can get him to go to a counselor and talk it out maybe he will see that 'parent' is also a verb or action word.

This is a tough one. I think some stages of Kid ages, men just don't get into it. My hubby was certainly supportive but I think part of him was afraid to do the bath, afraid at first to feed and deal with a crying infant....I think it is a learned behavior and one that takes time for men to get in the groove. It is a unfortunate sign that he avoids " Family Time " " bonding with his children" and all that..... They are so young and possibly hard for him to relate to them. But I don't think it is OK....and it is the question as to what do I do ......
I am sure there will be some helpful moms that have the same issue and it really does come down to the fact that you can't change him but you can encourage him in the best way. So if he is out in the yard....have all the family be out there helping and rooting him on....so to speak.
Plan two days a week ( working up to more each month ) where he can commit a family thing. Maybe he needs to be trained and watch you so he is involved but your still doing more. You need to have some talks, you need to share your feelings, go to counsoling or whatever is needed. If you don't address it in a safe enviroment then it could get worse. Have the 5 year old go to dad ask questions to him to show him stuff, fix something.... little baby steps. I don't know what else to say.... I think it certainly is a concern and you need support to work on this in a very calm and excepting way...........we are the nurture parent and help put it all together with a growing family. We need to speak what our needs are and encourage our partner that we need them !