I am in tears as I type this,
My ex has been a mean, demanding, intimidating, selfish, lazy man. But when enough was enough he'd "change" do awesome then little by little fall back into his old ways, we finally separated, I finally felt like I could breath!!
Well, he is "doing better" again, but I DON'T want to give it another shot. I don't love him, I am not sexually attracted to him. But I still care for him, not in a wife sort of way, in a way that "I have known you 18 years and I care what happens to you"
Why is it so hard to get the words "I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE" out???
I know I am NOT in love with him, but without him I would not have my girls, and I love them to the moon and back.
Looking for any advice from anyone who's ex has tried to come back but you know that is not in the best interest of anyone involved.
Don't worry about trying to tell him you don't love him.
Just tell him that you feel you are BOTH better people when you are apart, and you don't want to get back together with him this time.
Let me help you out: You do NOT have to give a reason or justify your decision not to want to be married to him anymore. My controlling ex did the same thing; he'd try to force me to give him reasons for why I didn't want to be with him, and if my reasons didn't meet his arbitrary requirements, they weren't legitimate. So, let me tell you, nothing you say and no reason you give will be valid in his eyes. He'll knock down every single one and demand more, to invalidate your feelings.
Don't bother with the reasons. Just don't. You don't owe him anything more than cool politeness. You don't have to say "I don't love you anymore." You don't have to take him back. You don't have to keep giving him reasons to invalidate.
When he tries to talk about getting back together, cut him off and say "I am done talking about that. We aren't getting back together." Don't argue or justify. When he continues and demands, simply finish the conversation and hang up or leave. "Okay, the kids will see you on Friday evening at 6." Keep your talks related to the kids and not to you.
Place limits. Boundaries. He doesn't own you and you don't owe him anything further. Don't feel obligated to answer the phone when he calls, respond to his texts, or even open the door if he shows up. Don't let him make you feel pissed with some assinine comment...don't respond. YOU choose how and when to communicate with him regarding the kids. YOU choose who you want to be with, not him.
You don't have to say that. I told my ex that it was good while it lasted but it isn't working for us any longer and I can't see us having a future together and I'm moving on. Then I filed for divorce. It's really as simple as that. Good luck.
You do not have to say i"I do not love you"
Instead you can just say you "are now moving on . On to a new chapter in your life. "
If he pushes, just tell him, "John, it is over. I am moving on, and you should too. "
Just say, "No" when he says he wants you back. No further explanation needed. "No" is a complete sentence.
I agree that you don't owe him an explanation at all. I'm sorry you are going through this, but definitely let him know his new role in your life as the father of your kids and not your husband.
I think it's good to talk things out if you are wanting it to work, but since you know you don't, don't let him get you talking and make you rethink your decision you made when you were thinking clearly.
i was with my ex from 14 to 26 so i get the whole feeling hard to break away even though you don;t want to be together. I agree with the advice below. You dont have to say those words. J. say you are better seperate and do not want to confuse the girls by going back and forth. Stand strong. You and the girls deserve a constant force of good not occassional
put the focus on being adult.
as in:
"I care about you and need you to work with me for the benefit of our children but I believe we are better - as people, as parents - when we are apart. Reuniting is not an option for me --- but we have to find a way to interact effectively and work together for our children's sake. when /if you are ready to do that then let's work on how that can best happen. i'm here when you are prepared to move forward"
I wouldn't waste any time on entertaining ideas of reconciliation and rehashing what went wrong and how it could have been avoided and what it would take to "get you back" (not if you are decided that there is no path back). No reminiscing. No bringing up regrets. All these things serve to prolong the inevitable and just make things more painful and drawn out for all parties involved.
Don't participate in stringing things (and him) along any further. Its not fair to anyone if you are resolved to move on. Cut the cord and cut it swiftly and cleanly.
just like dropping your child off at daycare or school: quick and clean (the "drop and go" technique). it works.
"I do not want to get back together. We need to co-parent for the sake of our girls, but I do not want to be with you anymore."
There are people I will always care about or care for, but don't love romantically anymore. It's hard because you care about him as the girls' father and because you are a decent human being but boundaries are what you probably need right now. Think of it as a good working relationship. Only talk about the kids, put things in writing to be less personal, etc. If he says he is doing better, say that's great because the kids need a healthy father. They'll see him next weekend as scheduled, right?
It's okay that you actually DO still love him. Don't try to convince yourself of something that is not your truth. That will never lead to clarity.
Don't focus on what to say to him. Talk to yourself first. If you must say something about this to him, say, "I don't want to be with you, and I don't want to talk about it." It's perfectly fine that you are still trying to figure out what this means for you. Don't let him pressure you into having a discussion that you aren't ready to have. Recognize your weakness (talking to him right now), and give yourself permission to feel what you feel and act on it.
Some songs that I used to use to keep me moving forward in similar cases:
*Almost Doesn't Count - Brandy
*'Bye-'Bye, Love - Jo Dee Messina
*I Don't Love You Anymore - Teddy Pendergrass
I think that once you feel stronger, you'll be able to say what you need to say to him.
Good luck.
I broke off a 7 year relationship once...different from you because we were not married nor did we have kids. There had been a lot of ups and downs and when I finally decided to do it, I had my stuff all out of the house beforehand and then just "ripped it off like a band aide" as they say. We had several discussions leading up to me doing this about how things needed to change and so on...he never would have changed. I never looked back nor spoke to him again even though he repeatedly tried to get in touch. I remember feeling like you, almost depressed-for a couple of weeks, like I did still really care about what happened to him, but in time that feeling just went away. I KNEW my life could be so much better with out him and that I'd always feel like I settled if I stayed- not a good feeling...I was so right because within 6 months I met the man I'm happily married to today.
One of the best break up songs:
One More Minute - by Weird Al
Are you able to leave with your kiddos and stay with a friend or family? If you are worried about how he'll respond and you aren't comfortable talking to him, consider leaving first when he's not home and leaving him a letter. You'd be able to make yourself clear without fear or discomfort.
