My mother has a slew of problems. (she is 62) Psychological and physical. She is depressed, she gets no exercise, she eats poorly and she has severe arthritis. So bad that her leg is actually deformed (bowed). She can barely walk, she also has it in her feet and hands - but worst is in her knees. She should have gotten a knee replacement (for both knees) 5-10 years ago. She is DEATHLY afraid of doctors. Not just a fear, I'm talking debilitating phobia -- that's gotten really bad. She's not been in for a checkup in 3 years. She refuses to go because she knows they will tell her there's something wrong. It's one thing to be terrified of big procedures/surgery (such as a knee replacement) but our family has watched it worsen in the past 5 years. And she won't even see anyone for check-ups or minor problems. We offer to help in SO many ways. She refuses to see a therapist. I've offered to go with her to the doctor, I've done hours of research on alternative medicines. It if involves confronting her problems (psychologic or physical) she shuts down. Denies everything and gets majorly defensive. I (as well as my sister, brother and dad) have spent hours talking to her. It seems better, she seems hopeful, but nothing ever happens.
My son is one year old. Last year at Xmas time she broke down and told us she wants to get better. She wanted to be able to take him to the zoo like a normal grandma.
Her mother died. Now her father (my grandpa) is living with my parents. She's no longer able to do the things she wants to do - he's extremely negative. He is bringing her down even lower. She's not the kind of person that can just brush it off, this stress just manifests itself and worsens her situation. She has no desire to better herself, or no strength. She is so depressed, if it weren't for my son and our almost daily visits, my dad says she wouldn't have a reason to live. I offer to help, to call about having a caregiver come in so she can have time to herself, but she is so afraid of upsetting her dad she does nothing.
I can't even begin to get into the issues she's had with her mother - she used to read her articles about all the horrible diseases people died of. I know exactly WHY she is the way she is. . . My question is this: Can we still help her? We've tried 'interventions' - she just tells us what we want to hear. "I'm doing better, I'll get better" - we know it's all lies. She tells us if we take her to a therapist she'll hate us - she feels ganged up on. What other options are there? Do we bring someone in our house to confront her? Like on the Intervention shows on TV? I'm worried it'll be too late by the time she finally sees a doctor. I'm welcome to ANY advice, I'm desperate. I don't know if we should step in and make her do it, at what point do WE give up? I lie awake at night sick with worry, and I'm tired of it! I go back and forth being mad at her and feeling sorry for her. Help!!!
There are not many out there but maybe you could find a doctor that will come to her. Maybe she will be more comfortable if she doesnt have to be in the doctors office envirornment.
Please talk to a social worker through her hospital doctor's office.
Until she addresses the depression, likely nothing will change.
You can try to do another intervention, but you would need to have a plan in place before attempting that. The idea isn't to get her to say she's willing to get help, but to have a plan mapped out, which can be executed immediately upon her admission to needing help.
I don't know what that plan might look like for your mom, but I'm thinking therapy is a good place to start.
All the best.
I empathize with you. Bottom line, I think based on professional training and experience, is that there is really nothing you can do. She is who she is and you can't change her.
You've made suggestions, offered help, considered resources and she refuses them. Anything that happens has to happen with her approval.
It sounds like she is afraid to go against her father. That is perhaps one area in which you can have some control. You and your father can say that he cannot stay with them and move him to another home or arrange for day care out of their home. Look into retirement facilities based on his needs. Consider in home, foster care, too. That is often more acceptable to the family, knowing that the person will get individual attention.
If you decide to move her father, be ready to accept her extreme dislike for what you're doing. And only do it if you think that it will eventually help her with her depression. It could be moving him will depress her even further.
One thing that I've done with family members when I'm concerned about they health is to make an appointment for myself to discuss the situation with a professional. If this were my mother, I'd talk with a counselor specializing in geriatric issues.
They may be able to refer you to other resources. Or as has happened with me, they've helped me realize that there was little I could do except to continue to be a warm, loving and non judgmental person. I learned to stop focusing on their issues and to accept them as they are. My backing off has improved their life in a noticeable way. Not drastically which is what your mother needs but noticeable in that you'll have removed nagging from your relationship.
Whatever you do, do not remove your and your son's time from her. I suggest that is what is keeping her alive. She needs that support from you.
HI--
I can give you names of an alternative practitioners who I know can help her in the Denver area--let me know if you'd like them. That said, she has to truly be willing. We all have our dramas and our way of interacting with the world. We create the patterns in our lives that we do because at some level they work for us. She won't do anything about it until what she's doing now gets so uncomfortable for her that she wants to do the work to change.
My MIL is the same way. She's been having physical problems for years. Every time we find a solution to one problem, a new one crops up. Her physical disabilities get her a lot of attention from the family, so emotionally they are working for her. It isn't until she can love herself from the inside out that she will stop looking to get that attention from others. For years we tried everything to help her. We've now chosen to be compassionate and supportive, but not make suggestions on her health unless she asks for them. We cannot heal her--only she can do that. And she'll only do that when the discomfort from her pain is enough for her to be willing to confront the emotional pain that is the underlying root of her physical problems.
There is a reason we call chronic problems dis-ease.
Good luck!
J.
You said you looked into alternative medicine -- well, mention a new thing to her as you are doing it. "Hey mom, I heard of this great apple cider vinegar you sip and it does blah, blah, blah...I'm doing it too." Whatever you do don't tell her it's about her knees, illness, etc.
There is a saying -- we raise kids and then our children raise us. Older people are just like kids. You sometimes have to sugar coat things.
Having these interventions just adds to her depression. Stay up beat, and yes, set a goal that we're going to the zoo 6 months from now...MOM, they have these animals and if you get tired we can give you a wheelchair BUT -- we're taking (son) to the zoo. And, just keep talking about it. Give her some hope and something to dream about. It's hard, and I worked in therapy with elders and veterans. I was cursed out, pooped on, peed on, etc. At the end of the day, they want their youth...see the youth in them.
The Administration on Aging offers help for dealing with elders. http://www.aoa.gov/elders_families/index.aspx has a link to local programs - perhaps connecting your mom to community programs is the first step. In Colorado, The Colorado Division of Aging and Adult Services website is http://www.cdhs.state.co.us/aas/ . Hope this helps.
I completely agree with Marda P. Dealing with others that you feel need to change can be very difficult. The reality is that they won't change until they decide to and no amount of argueing, nagging, bribing, pleading, begging, etc will help.
What will support your mom is validation. She really feels the way she feels for very legitimate reasons, irrational, but to her legitimate. She has parents that taught her negative ways of thinking and believing. She is the only one that can decide to start questioning those thought patterns and beliefs. In the meantime, listen to her. Really listen. Let her know that you hear her. You do not have to agree, in fact, probably won't, however, let her know that you can see why she feels the way she does.
She is constantly getting the message that she isn't okay the way she is. With the family reacting the way they are she is just getting that belief reinforced. She is struggling with being where she is, she knows that she doesn't want to be there and yet she feels totally helpless to do anything about it. If you were to simply start empathizing with her and stopped trying to change her then you may actually see a shift in her.
Do the things you can to effect her situation like dealing with grandpa, but stop trying to change her and just let her know that you love her and you get that right now life sucks for her. Give her love and support right where she is rather than wishing she was somewhere else.
Hi P., I've posted on here myself about my mother who suffers from mental illness and it is just a sucky situation to be in for everyone - you, your mom, your dad.. :(
Would it be possible to move your grandfather out of your parents house? If that is worsening your mom's depression, that truly needs to be the first change that is made. Perhaps move him into an assisted living situation or an apartment for senior citizens if he's capable of taking care of himself. Once that's done, you can tell your mom that you love her and you want better for her. I like the idea that someone else had to tell her to get help or you won't be coming around daily with your son anymore. Be sure to say this in a loving manner and stress that it's only because you love her so much you can't keep supporting this lifestyle and that your son loves his grandma but you don't want him to see what she's doing to herself and think that that's OK. This may work if you emphasize how much you love her instead of making it seem like blackmail. The fact that she broke down and said she wants to get better is a very good sign b/c the hardest thing to overcome is someone's ignorance of their own condition. She knows somethings wrong and needs to be fixed so capitalize on that and help her to address these issues. I think your grandpa needs to go though b/c it's going to be hard enough for her to change her ways, go to doctors, therapy with support all around her - having her negative father constantly around her is going to undermine any progress she makes. Wishing you the best of luck,
Maybe instead of trying to get her a caregiver see if she would be interested in being a caregiver for your son. Maybe a goal like that would be enough to get her motivated to help herself. I am of course assuming that with medical help she can be well enough to watch a small child.
Try to get her to a naturopath. There is one I see, but he is in Idaho. If you get the right one, that truly cares about his patients, then you will see a completely different mom! My mother had about 2 weeks left and she was in so much pain and depressed and sick! No regular dr would ever help, even ER's would just check for a heart issue and release. So one day she called this Dr and he started helping her right away. Now she can do anything! The other day she even ran down the street! I have never seen her do that, even as a kid! I am going to him now, and I would have liver cancer if I wasn't seeing him.
My inlaws banded together to force a couple of different relatives to get help. One ended up committed until his death. The other wanted out and started taking her pills right. She knew if she didnt', she would be back, maybe forever.
She never acted mad at anyone after she was on her meds and stable.The family had happy times afterwards, but of course everyone remembers the
h(** she put everyone through before.
I think since you are so close to you, you need to be the one to do this. Tough love...That's it. I would tell her that unless ... happens, you'll have no choice but to .... Her closeness to you and your son is your ace in the hole. Make sure she knows that you'll support her in any way possible but as long as she continues down this road, you won't be able to come around nearly as much. Tell her it's a negative influence on your son etc. My Mom was similar to this, not quite this extreme but this used to work with her. It's hard to implement but I really think this will be the only thing to motivate her to change. Best of luck...
Love OneAndDone's suggestion about having a plan to implement immediately. She needs to show you she's serious about changing and unless she agrees to this, you can't continue down this road...
If she is a threat to herself you can have possibly have her involuntarily committed.
