Son Is So Sad All the Time

It sounds like you need to take him to a psychiatrist. He very well may need an anti depressant in addition to actual talk therapy. Don't delay!

Was the specialist a specialist for children? You need to see another specialist. Depression is a problem with brain chemistry and he may need medication to even his out. He is telling you how he feels and you need to help him.

Have you seen the cartoon drawing explanation of depression on Hyperbole and a Half? Google it and then you will get a better understanding of why "doing" things or "think cheerful thoughts" or "get a hobby" is useless chatter to a person with depression.

You son is a very smart boy to recognize his problem. Smart is not his problem, depression is his problem. It's like he is walking around with a broken arm and people ask him why he doesn't do more or have fun?
FIX the problem First!

It's not about you or your choices. Its just plain not about you.
It's a physical response to a chemical problem. YOU don't have the broken arm. Stop fretting about YOUR choices or guilt.

Genectics could very well play a part in this. I'm genetically predisposed to diabetes. I don't deny it, I work on it harder than other people to keep it at bay. I would be stupid to ignore it, or blame it on my diabetic mom or grandpa. I deal. That's the power you need to give your son. Not shame, not ignoring.

A lot of alcoholics are just self medicating depression or ADD or something. Admit that you LIKED something about his father. Without the alcohol and it's side effects, you could have made a life with him. This is your chance to take that legacy and make something positive happen, not only for your son but every descendant that gets this gene.

Ignore that specialist that obviously did not help. There are a whole bunch of quacks out there. Your son needs an antidepressant before he starts to self medicate. Go!!!

You took him to a specialist. What type? If it wasn't a child psychiatrist or psychologist, that's who he needs to see.

This person recommended art therapy but you haven't done that. Why? What's the point of seeing a professional if you're not going to try what he suggests. Since you mention sports perhaps you think art therapy is just another activity? It's not just an activity! It's therapy! Art therapy is common way to help children children respond better with therapy combined with an activity than they do with talk therapy. My daughter and granddaughter have benefited with it.

A large part of depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. This can be inherited or acquired through experiences. Sounds like your son has both possibilities because his father is depresse.. Alcohol is a way to self medicate. Your son's depression Iis likely both inherited and situational. He may benefit from both medication and art therapy. I urge you to return to the specialist or make an appointment with a child psychologistor psychiatrist.

It's good that you recognize his depression and want to help him. It's important to start this before the teen years when life gets turned upside down anyway.

Later: I know the feeling of walking on egg shells. I tell you from experience that doing so does not work. He gets the message that something is wrong and becomes more of what he's like. Be direct/assertive in a compassionate way when dealing with him. You are not responsible for his happiness. You are responsible for teaching him how to deal with life.

My son was like this. He was very active in school activities: plays, sports for example. I decided it was because I divorced. Actually he'd been like that before, I just decided for myself that was it. I decided it was when my father died. He saw the school social worker. Still sad. I decided it was when my son was in the Navy. I decided I was a bad mother. I tried to do everything for him that I could. Except determine what the real reason was. It was determined, when he later in life wound up in the hospital, that he is bipolar. And with his meds he is living a productive and fairly happy life (no one's life is perfect) but at least now we have an answer, medicine and new outlooks on life. And some smiling on a daily basis. So we can cross off the blame list, the worst of which was my own name in large letters at the top. I am not saying it is your son's condition, but it is worth a look into it. Art therapy and sports are wonderful if they work and sometimes people do fine without anything else. But given the opportunity previously in life, I think we could have avoided a lot of other problems had he been on medication. Good luck to you!

I grew up with an abusive alcoholic dad. I was never good enough, smart enough etc etc... My dad was always putting my brother and me down calling us stupid, never spent time with us, never took the time to teach us anything. When my brother was in the 12-14 age frame my dad was doing a project outside with him. He told my brother to do something and my brother said show me how and I will do it. My dad told him to figure it out, if he taught my brother anything my brother would end up smarter than him. My grandpa happened to be there and my grandpa worked with my brother showing him how do it.
Needless to say we were sad all the time. Until a few years ago I thought it was normal. I went to counseling for a few years and found out I am okay, I am smart and likeable. My parents were narcissist fools.
Get your son into a counseling program where he can talk it all out. Sports is also a good idea. He needs a place to shine. If he not athletic then maybe music or theater. Once he learns where he shines and he is smart, likeable and worthy he will get better.

Have you had his Vitamin D levels checked? My daughter was like this, and her therapist recommended bloodwork, which her doctor had not thought to do. Turns out her levels were extremely low. She was put on a high-dose supplement and things changed for her. She has to continue to take a supplement every day because her levels drop if she doesn't. Maybe ask your doctor about this. It doesn't hurt to get his level checked.

Just thought I would throw this out there.....

Look up Joan Mathews Larsen and the research she did for Health Recovery Center.

Her son also struggled from depression when he was young and she could not find answers why. Her research examines what things she missed and how her son's father's alcoholism played a role in the son's depression (biochemically). It is very insightful, specifically the info and her son and his depression. Please read what applies to your son only and ignore the rest for now.

Sports and art therapy (movement) works much better for boys then talk therapy. But I would not stop there. I think your best option would be to find a therapist (preferably male) who runs a tween group therapy activity, i.e. group therapy where they have an activity vs. sitting around and just talking.

He is being honest when he says he doesn't know what is making him sad. It is sometimes so hard for boys to use words to describe. I would contact the school counselor (even in summer) and ask for referral and/or recommendation.

I would also find a different therapist, specially one that works with COA's (children of alcoholics). The apathy he is showing you is a very common symptom of COA's.

Best of luck to you

ETA: OK, my point to mentioning JML is because her early research shows a biological component between alcoholism, hormones, allergies, and depression. My brain could not get these words earlier :-).

If they didn't put him on medication for depression then they were not good docs.

Your child TELLS you he feels like that, he TELLS you he doesn't like feeling like that.

The outcome of living with untreated depression can be fatal. You know it, so stop dillydallying around and get this child on some meds.

Chronic life long depression is due to a chemical imbalance. He can't just "stop feeling that way" "Think happier thoughts", because the chemicals in his brain are off.

Same thing with diabetes, epilepsy, and other life long illnesses. The body isn't working right and nothing you do will change the fact. His body chemistry is not working right. He needs a small dose of antidepressant to fix this medical issue.

If he wasn't seen by a psychiatrist for a med check then that's where you need to go. They may request he see a therapist first, for a period of time, to make sure he's not being abused mentally or physically. It's a safe guard, to make sure it's what it is and not a reaction to a crappy life.

I feel sad for him, he's telling you he needs help and he didn't get it.

You focus on him being 'sad' and pushing activities like sports, then end with:

"I divorced his dad bc he was like this all the time, he was an alcoholic, also abusive mentally and physically. I see his dad in him."

So it probably makes sense to step back from putting him in basketball and start trying to find him a good therapist. At the least he needs to deal with the fact that his father is an alcoholic and abusive, and he may need to deal with greater issues of genetic predisposition for depression like you seem to suspect.

You don't need to walk on eggshells around him. He is your son, not your ex-husband, he shouldn't be able to effect you and your responses like that. As the parent you need to be a source of love, but also a source of strength and security. By kowtowing to his moods you diminish your ability to be strong and secure for your son. Kids need to know their parents are equipped to deal with any problem they may have and not treat that problem with fear or constant worry.

You say the specialist said to "put him in art therapy or something like that". Did you? The "something like that" leads me to believe you brushed off the specialists recommendations and did not seek out continuing therapy for your son. If you're really concerned, follow the advice of the doctors and get him into some kind of therapy to help him work through his feelings

The bad news is your son may have inherited some form of mental illness from your ex.

The good news is he sounds very bright and insightful and you sound like a supportive plugged in Mom. Don't give up in the quest for help. Keep following your instincts to figure out why he feels this way and to what extent it is negatively effecting his life. Be sure he's truly depressed and not that his personality is just low key. Not everyone is "happy" according to the same standards.

The things that come to mind from your post are:

How much contact does he have with the alcoholic, abusive Dad?

How much did he suffer at the hands of his Father when he was younger?

Has his Father been officially diagnosed with anything?

Try finding an activity he really wants to do, sports aren't for everyone. My oldest is not the team sports type. She is in Theatre, Mock Trial, does yoga and is a member of several clubs. Find his niche, what makes him tick?

Don't give up. This could be a personality type or it could be a sign of trouble ahead. You need a professional to help you figure that out. Try not to seek his happiness for him but help him find peace and contentment in life.

Definitely take him to another doctor. Now. Call tomorrow & book the appt
Your son is saying he's depressed. It's not a question. He's not alluding to
being depressed. He's flat out telling you. Please listen to him & do
something tomorrow.
Don't push sports. Let him stop those sports right away. Doesn't sound
like it's his thing. Sounds more like it's your thing as you stated "pushed"
it.
Take him to a therapist right away.
His father was an acoholic & abusive.
He needs professional help.
Maybe he hates sports.
Maybe he's being bullied.
He's pointing out commercials outlining medicines. Listen to him.
It could be a number of things (lasting effects of his dad, a bully at school,
his own demons he may be wrestling with, not having friends, true
depression etc.).
He looks sad, says he is sad basically. Find a diff therapist now! Don't
delay. There's no reason an 11 yr old should feel this way. It's our jobs
as moms to help our kids. Please do so very quickly starting tomorrow.
Best wishes for a quick outcome & help for your son!!

You need to find him help.
Not everyone is into team sports - try him in taekwondo.
He'll get physical activity without a team.
His Dad is like this (probably a genetic thing) and he attempts to self medicate with alcohol - as you can see it doesn't help.
Try your son in a wide range of activities - not just sports - but crafts, cooking, painting, building model rockets, wood working, etc till you find his joy/passion/interest.
I think that's what the specialist is suggesting as a first approach.
If there's no success with that, then go back to the specialist and see what his next suggestion is.
Some of this is puberty too -testosterone surges can make them moody/angry/surly.
Everyone has to find ways to constructively vent frustration (I tend to clean things to channel the energy into something positive).
You don't want to deliberately irritate him, but if he flys off the handle at everything - you need to be able to tell him to rein it in already and get ahold of himself.
A few times I've told our son (when he's angry over something (or nothing)) that he can sulk and feel sorry for himself in his room for 15 min and after that he'd better be over it - he usually has a very sunny disposition - he bounces back quickly.

OK - you AND your son were in an abusive relationship. Did you both get counseling? If no, then COUNSELING NOW, for both of you. And find him a good child therapist that understands kids and doesn't dismiss their feelings.

Does your SON like sports? If no, then he needs to do what HE likes, not what you push. Not every boy likes sports. So find out what HE wants to do and make that happen instead of pushing sports.

YOU can't MAKE him happy. You can love him, and LISTEN to him, and be there for him. But you can't MAKE ANYONE HAPPY.

Your son is NOT your husband, and you feeling that way about him is NOT going to help him. Kids aren't stupid. They pick this kind of stuff up. So you need to work on YOU and get yourself help, and get him into counseling to deal with the repurcussions of an abusive father that he has had to deal with.

You might want to get a second opinion regarding depression. And your comparison between art therapy and sports is misplaced. Art therapy is a way for the child to express himself/herself. He doesn't get to do that with sports. You might want to really consider the art therapy at least as a place to start. You will be able to look at his drawings and get an idea of where his mental state stands. You could also show those to the doctor.

I would have his blood levels taken to make sure he's healthy. Could be vitamin deficiency or low thyroid leaves you very sluggish. Who feels peppy when you feel bad? Just start there because it could be a simple answer.

Your son needs a different doctor. Now.