My husband and i are having trouble learning how to deal our daughters behaviors, We have family counsling coming in 2x a week. but sometimes i wonder if it is really getting through to her. She does what she wants to do with no regards to what our rules are or our expectaions are in our house. She has just came home in Aug from a residentail treatment facility after being gone for a year with issues about wanting to hurt herself and cutting, and all the negitive music she listens to, she also would steal food in the middle of the night, steal her brothers things just because hers are broken or doesnt work, or she needed batteries so she would take them out of remotes around the house, since she has been home we are seeing some patterns reaccure like the stealling of things again, and now friday night my husband gave her trust to go to the football game with some neighborhood friends, my 14 year is in the band and knows to call me when the game is over and he is ready, i knew there was something wrong when i had not heard from him by 10:20, so i went up to the schoool and found it empty, as i was coming up the street i saw her running down the street to the house. she ended up going up to the gas station with her friends and threatened her brother to go and not tell on her. we ended up grounding them but im afraid we are heading back into the same rutine and its not healthy on our marriage too. Any suggestions on what else to do for her to help her understand what our rules are? Thanks
I want to thank everyone who responed, my husband and i and our daughter had a councling session this evening and they told us what we thought was right for her actions for Friday, i didnt get to add the sat late after noon my husband got a soft side and let the kids go out to play for the rest of the day (he kind of felt bad cause it was nice out) any how sunday morning we are hearing from the neighborhood kids who are 10/11 years old of what kind of unappropriate behavior katie was doing with a 17 year old boy sat night, needless to say our trust for her is now broken and she has a very short leash, my point being we had the counslers here and talked to them, katie admitted her behavior was bad, and toke responsibility for them (which is a step in the right direction because she never would do this in the past) she understands why we grounded her and now have to start from scratch to give her any trust, I promised my mother in law as she was dying last july that i would do what needs to be done to help her grow up to be the person that we all know she can be, she always worried about her because of the environment she lived in growing up with her mom all these years, we keep telling katie we are in this for the long hawl. Thanks again to everyones posts they are greatly appriciated.
A great book to read is Beyond Consequences by Heather Thomas. She believes that all bad behavior stems from fear. Hope this helps.
H.,
I can see how this situation can be both frustrating and trying for your family. I was once that 16 year old girl in the residential treatment facility and now I am a successful mommy! That being said, I can offer my opinion from 2 viewpoints: the 16 year old and the older disciplinarian and authoritarion.
First, I would like to point out that adolescents do not do as they are told, they learn from their parents attitudes and morals. Also, being in a residential facility most likely is causing your daughter to resent you. She probably feels betrayed and hurt that you could do this to her. (Believe me, I know firsthand) Even if the treatment was beneficial during the time that she was there, she is now probably trying to forget it ever happened. She is now back where she started from: the same home, town, friends, etc. To change negative patterns you cannpt allow your daughter to remain in contact with the same people. A change of schools and possibly a change of residence is the best bet. Behavior will not change if the circumstances that led up to it do not change. You need to be supportive and get her involved in activities that she loves or once showed some love for. I would also like to point out that music and TV are not viable scapegoats for behavior. I can say this because I studied the link tremendously in my college years and worked with troubled youth. The routine will continue to stay the same if the same circumstances surround her as they always have. Parenting is difficult but you must be the role model. SHow love and compassion and don't judge and put blame on your daughter. Talk with her and gain her trust. I hope any of this helps a little bit. GOood luck to you and your family.
Have you looked into a Teen Challenge program? They have great Christian based facilities that are equipped to deal with discipline, emotional and substance abusing girls...their sucess rate is really high. I have heard several diffent girls who were sent to different Teen Challenge programs, and they consider that their saving grace. My husband works for a boys location, and it is amazing the healing God does in these boys. Here's a link http://teenchallengeusa.com/
"But it's too late for your daughter as far as OTHER people-you and counselors and treatment facilities etc."
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from where I sit as a parent of both small and now adult children this statement is not accurate. This is a young child still at 16. It is definitely NOT too late. I had a conversation with a psychiatrist after an organ loss and he instilled some very powerful words.
"15-16 is an age many parents Loose their children and a time of great need".
I have a child who went off the deep end at 15 after the tragic loss of my husband. Complete bad behaviors inclusive of self destructive behaviors that repeated themselves time and time again. I lost count how many time I had the police involved in bringing her home and pulling her out of a local home that the well know community parents allowed the drugs and alcohol.
Two years of intensive therapy in and out of our home. I filed a dependency petition against my own child to regain some the control of the laws of Allegheny County to not help with.
Until they are 18 we are responsible for them, at 14 they have rights, at 17 my daughter could refuse a drug test until I petitioned the Judge and he ordered them & mandated weekly treatment.
In your signature, You indicate your son, your step daughter and one in College. She is the "stepdaughter". Could she be feeling like this? Issues of self worth can happen when change comes about. And even though we as parents think we are doing our best we may not really be looking closely at their inner person. I am guilty of it some times.
She is young, in comparison to the things my daughter has done she is still on a small scale.
No matter how hard it gets -- TELLING them you love them and meaning it is critical to getting them through to the other side.
Its two years, and those years have been beyond difficult for us, but there is finally a brighter side as the maturity kicked.I don't regret taking the hard road for my child.
on a side note, the behavior you list to me show that she is trying to establish her place in your home even if it means doing the wrong things to get that attention. Being gone a year, it looks like she feels like the outsider with what she is doing.
This does not mean I am in anyway right -- just noting what you have written tells me.
Good luck.
H.,
Wow! Sounds like you and your husband have your hands full! This is not professional advice, or anything, but just some logical things that came to mind when I read your post. What about a posted list of house rules? Rules that apply fairly to everyone in the house. If she breaks the rules, she gets punished. Hit her where it hurts (tv, cel phone, time with friends, etc.) Try to be as consistent as you can and you & your husband should
be on the same page as well.
I have a cousin whose daughter went through a cutting stage (of course, who's to say IF and when it's "over"?) She didn't get her daughter any formal counseling and I think that was a mistake. From what I know, cutting is an expression of internal pain needing to be let out by kids who are numb to pain. Or have learned to numb themselves from pain. Has she had a difficult past? Is she missing her bio mom terribly? Is she jealous of her younger sibling? Is she resentful of you for marrying her father?
I was raised with a stepfather who was a wonderful man that cared a lot about us. Point being, you are her step mom and can make a BIG difference in her life--for the better just by listening, caring, setting expectations, enforcing them and attending family counseling. My step dad was a great influence but didn't get respect by wielding power, etc--he was a constant, stable influence and I always knew he loved me no matter what. Sounds like your stepdaughter is lucky to have a step mom that cares a lot about her, too. Hang in there--good luck to you and your daughter.
I love the book the Power of Positive parenting by Glenn Latham. It talks about the teenage years and the best way to deal with them. He also talks about when you can reason with a child and when you can't. It also gives stages of behavior where it shows you where you able to enforce boundaries and where it may be too late and you have to kind of say OK, if your going to ruin your life you are going to do it not me. I know that a depressing thought but you probably find that the harder you are on her the worse behavior gets.
He also has a more Christian oriented book out called Christlike Parenting.
Good luck.
Don't take this the wrong way-a lot of good can come in the future. But it's too late for your daughter as far as OTHER people-you and counselors and treatment facilities etc. The music she listens to is a way to relieve her stress and what she relates, to, not a cause of her behavior. The cutting and hurting herself is standard depressed teen behavior. She is breaking all the rules because she is able to, and at this point in time, being the bad girl is the way she exerts power and seeks her identity.
I don't know if she gradually started these behaviors throughout life and now they are escalated, or if she was an angel with perfect guidance and then woke up one day on the dark side, and I don't know who, if anyone, facilitated this. But the fact is, she'll be an adult in 2 years, and is already past the stages where she can be helped if she doesn't want to be. Any discipline etc at this point will only make her more angry. Though she does need punishment when she gets siblings in trouble, steals, etc. But it won't change things.
If I were you, I would start to back away and let her/make her have more independence. It sounds crazy, but I didn't get my act together until I ran away at 17. Then with absolutely no support whatsoever, I started to earn my own rent etc, and even went to school. It was a long hard broke road to normalcy, but I wasn't able to take advantage of anyone, or rebel anymore, so I just had to grow up. My parents were tough. They did not help me at all, and it was the best thing for me. You have to work so many hours to stay afloat, there isn't time for a lot of the bad behaviors depressed people at home get into.
While she's still at home, have some heart to hearts with her. Tell her you love her, but she is not respecting you. You will not respect her rights either, since she is stealing, lying, and not respecting the roof she lives under, or the family she lives with. Tell her you know she is almost an adult and has no interest in your rules, and soon she will be totally on her own, and you realize that, so you want her to be prepared. Make her get a job. Tell her it's to support her in her future without you. Explain everything she will need for a successful happy life in just two years, and work on ways to attain them with her. Idle hands are the devil's playground or whatever-so don't let her "hang out with friends and at the gas station" in her spare time. She'll need her own money to run her own life. Don't bother trying to enforce tons of punishments, but don't grant any special privileges either or give her things. Explain why. When necessary, do the, "OK, if you're so smart and tough, and you don't need us, then see ya later, go to work" routine. She understands the rules, she just doesn't want to follow them.
She may drop out of school, she may hate your guts, she may get pregnant, she may go on drugs, or she may shape up, come around, get more respectful when she sees you've given up and started to let her be an adult. At this age, it's too late for you to force the outcome. Best wishes, I really hope your daughter turns things around for herself and opens her heart. You definitely can't force religion on her at this age, but one day hopefully she'll see that God put us all here and loves us all, and she'll want to do right by people, and stop hurting herself. She doesn't see it now, but all this anger and self obsession is selfish and narcissistic. If you think of ways to make her help people in the community with less than her (though she's a little too old to force that too) it could help. Maybe if you lead by example that you have no time for evil and drama, and are full of love and giving yourself, she'll see it one day. Fortify your marriage and your relationships with your other kids. Be loving but very firm with her. Good luck!
My sister was the same way and lived in a few residential places. She would steal from us, cut herself and pull out all her hair. She is now 18 and having a baby. Unfortunately that calmed her down and i guess you could say shocked her sane! I wish my parents could have helped her before this :( I don't think this is a problem that you can handle on your own. Grounding to them is a joke, they really don't care. Does she have her own case worker? My sister had a woman that helped by taking her out (coffee shops, shopping) and dealing with her issues. Please stay consistant, that is one thing my parents did not do. I really wish you luck, i never saw anything like it until my sister. It is no fun, but i am hopeful that eventually they will fully come around.
Hope i helped instead of rambled :-)
Hi H.. You are on a tough streach of road in your life, and so is she. From my experience with teens (I used to work with 16-20yr olds) most of the time when they are acting out it is because deep down inside they are afraid. Fear is a powerfull emotion that can come out as anger, defiance, withdrawl, cutting...
Where is her birth mother in all this. I noticed you didn't mention her at all. A child abandoned by their parent...that pain alone is incrediable add to that the teen years normal issues, well it's a recipe for a lot of pain and termoil.
Sit down with your hubby and make a simple set of rules and follow them no matter what. Remember there is no action without an equal reaction. Structure, boundries, lots of love, keep up with the counsleing, and love her with all your heart...and if she breaks it love her MORE. She needs to know beyond a doubt that you and her Dad will always be there for her no matter what. Let her know that you may not like what she is doing, and that she will be punished when she is doing something wrong but that doesn't change how much you love her and hurt for her and want her to be a happy, healty wonderful person that you know she is desperately trying to keep safe from being hurt again. Best wishes.
Hi H.,
Believe me, I feel for you and understand what you are going through (to a point).
Unfortunately some teenagers have to go through what your daughter is going through to become productive adults. She is learning alot of life lessons at a young age that she can use when she matures enough to understand them. With all that said though, as long as she is living with you and under your roof you should be the ones to set the rules and possibly take a "tough love" approach with it. Especially since she is influencing your son's behavior. We've had to do this with our daughter.
Is her biological mom in the picture at all? Is there a way that she could also attend the counseling sessions?
L.
I know I am going to ramble, but I am so hopeing I can help. My sister who is now living with me was already down the same path and even more than your step daughter has. let me start with this....In and out of 7 residential treatment center/homes since she has been 10 till she was 17 (she is now 21). When my sister was adopted at the age of 2, she could cuss out a truck driver. She has ADD, ADHD, Tourettes, OCD, ODD, MMR(Mild mental retardation), and she would sometimes instead of helping herself, use these to take advantage of others, and behavior. She cut herslf, smoked, drank, drugs, ripped the hairs out of her arms for along time.
It took my sister being homeless for three months till she gave up. She finally came to me and asked if she could move in......she wanted to change her ways. She wanted to change. No one can change someone...They have to want it for themselves.
Things are very different, but not at all solved.
A few questions....who is buying the negative music for her? Is she? Does she work? Does she have chores? She must be tired of running around all day. What about the fact that she should work and purchase everything that she wants or needs? Is she doing ok in school? What about an incentive program for her. If she does everything she is asked to do for the entire week, she gets a privielge. After school tutering (younger kids), what about getting her into a sport. I know this is not about you.....dont get me wrong, I know you and I have done and done and done, and no results, but keep doing, and she eventually hoping will turn her ways around. There is so much that I could say, and I could go on and on, but every situation is different. Hoping you and her can sit down and talk about what she wants from you and you can tell her how she can get them.......Starts with respect.
is she regressing because reigns have loosened? maybe you need to remind her that she was away for a year and remeind her what she needs to do to stay..maybe your son can not refuse her check his side ...
