Confused...need Some Been There Done That advice..so to Speak..

No you can't. The grass is always greener and they ALL have skids in their undies once you know them that well!

I am confused by the description of your husband as a "good" father after you say he degrades you and your daughter. Don't you know you are both teaching that this is a normal way to treat your mate and she will find a man just like him...is that what you want? To answer your question, no, you should not pursue a friendship with this man--you're playing with fire.

Wow, your husband sounds like my father. And, like my mother, I don't know how you think you can live with this. I think meeting that man just made you open your eyes and realize the situation you are in, and that it doesn't have to be like that.

If you truly wanted to be friends, it would have to be totally above board, and it would have to be family to family, not one on one. BUT, I think that with the situation with your husband, you are too vulnerable right now to risk even that much of a relationship with him.

I think that either you and your husband need counseling, or you need to leave him. My mom had no self-esteem, neither did my sister or I, and we were all so much happier without that negativity in our lives. Think what is best for your family, and that isn't always staying in a bad relationship. Your children are seeing how you are being treated...do you want them in similar relationships? Staying together for the children should never be why you are together. You need to have a strong loving friendship and relationship to give your children an example to live by and strive towards.

This may not be the advice that you want to hear, but it is something to consider. I'm sorry for your situation, but so happy that you realized the trap you were in early and not 25 years down the road like my mom.

Oh, D., I wish I could tell you everything will be fine if you strike up a friendship with this man. But I agree with other responses – your marriage has a big hole in the middle of it. I tried for 13 years to believe I was happy with a man like yours (only mine wasn't even a decent provider).

I finally left him when I saw how uncertain my daughter was becoming around her father. My beautiful, bright, outgoing daughter was becoming depressed and losing her sense of self-worth. I left her father, and wish I had done so years earlier.

I had the "advantage" of having nothing to lose financially. I'm sure if my first had provided some financially stability, I would have worked even harder to believe my marriage was happy. But life has been so much happier, easier, lighter since then, and I eventually found (much to my surprise!!!) the love of my life. I had thought my first was that. He was only a shadow of the real thing.

You know, I would take this encounter as a signal, but do NOT pursue it. Get counseling for yourself, and put your husband on notice that you need and expect real, positive changes. He may rise to the challenge, and maybe you can truly be happy with him one day. You can give it a chance. But in my experience, it would be better not to hold your breath.

Someday soon, one way or the other, you'll be in a better place if you get counseling and emotional support. You'll feel stronger, more confident and relaxed, and your daughter will be the same. That may happen outside of your marriage. If that's the case, you will be available to meet a man who is worthy of you.

Since your new friend is "happily" married, it will probably not be him. It would be a permanent mark on anything that develops between you if you were to jeopardize his marriage and family to meet your own needs.

My best to you, your daughter, and your future.

No you cannot. You have enough problems without throwing infedelity into the mix. He degrades you and your oldest daughter and makes you both feel worthless and this is something you can live with????? Was that a typo? I don't mean to sound so harsh but wake up! IMO you need to fix your family asap whether that means getting a divorce or salvaging the marriage. You were probably so drawn to this man because he made you feel worthwhile. He made you feel smart and valued your opinions. Take those good feelings and use them as a wake-up call...Face the problems you have head on and lighten your load, don't add to it!

No, I don't think you can be friends without causing harm to your marriage and family.

I also agree with Catherine and Karen on the state of your relationship with your husband. I came from a family with a father who behaved the EXACT same way. Some of my choices as an adult have not been pretty. Please talk to someone, if not for you, then for your daughter.

Been there, done that, almost exactly the same situation. I would not pursue any type of relationship with this man you met. I will forever have regrets for not listening to the advice I am giving you now. I wish I had someone to tell it to me when I was going through this.

You need to work on your marriage. If your husband is not willing to go to counseling and work on things, you should strongly consider leaving. But DO NOT leave because of this man or any other. Leave because he disrespects you and your children and refuses to try to change and work on the marriage, if that is indeed what happens after your efforts.

Please have a good support system in place, someone you trust with everything. If you have no one like that, pray, or seek out the advice of a therapist alone in addition to marriage counseling.

I wish you the very best. I know how hard this is, trust me.

Wow! It is like you are talking about my life years ago! First of all you are not happily married!! When you are happily married you won't have these "connections" they are emotional affairs and just as damaging to a marriage as physical one's. I don't think my husband would mind me telling you he too would have them. Our marriage deteriorated to the point of divorce. Luckily my husband called out pastor and we did a year and half of counseling. I have never loved my husband more! They will turn into physical affairs! Talking to my sister one time I said the same things "he's a good dad", "good husband good provider" he doesn't beat me or the kids gamble drink...blah blah blah...She said to me Why it that okay?? Just because we came from homes with bad dads? We saw the worst so figured we were lucky and should quit wanting more? There is a book called strengthening your marriage..it is a Christian book...but man was it helpful to me. You want these things because you are MADE to want these things. You are supposed to complete your husband ,his weakness' are your strengths so and so on. Please read it it will make you understand why you expect more from your marriage..if the husband doesn't want to fix what he things "isn't broke" time for him to go. Do you want your daughter to feel the same way you do?? It is what she is being taught by watching you put up with it and not standing up for her either. I'll pray for you.

I think you know already that, because of the the connection that you feel you have this guy, to pursue any sort of relationship with him beyond this point would be like playing with fire. I don't believe that you can develop a friendship with him without the risk of things becoming too messy for everyone involved: you, him, your husband, his wife, your children, his children.

My advise to you is: Leave it alone. There are some itches you are just not allowed to scratch and you are not always going to get what you want because you want it. It's sucks, I know but its how it is and the realization of this is what being a responsible adult is all about.

And, honestly, I don't think you should encroach upon another woman's husband even if the two of you do feel this amazing connection together. There should be a sisterhood amongst women. Focus your attention on things that you should be focusing it on: your family. If you don't feel that connection with your husband for whatever reason, then work on that and resolve that issue. Don't cause trouble for yourself and for others. You know what's right and what's wrong. We aren't in high school anymore.

Please take care.

By the sounds of things I would say no I don't think you can just be friends. Even with the best of intentions on both of your parts at the very least it sounds like it would be an emotional affair if not sexual. Sorry, not what you want to hear, but I think it's true.

The one thing I would like to bring to your attention is your daughter. I understand you not wanting to leave your husband and feeling like he's great for the most part and just has a few shortcomings. I really do understand what you are saying, but I'd like you to answer this question honestly....

Would you want your daughter to marry someone like your husband? How would you feel if you saw a man treating your daughter they way he treats you?

If you'd be ok with it then fine, but if not then I think you need to go to work AGAIN on your husband. How would he feel if someone else treated you or his daughter they way he treats you both?

Best of luck,
K.

Run far away from this relationship! It'll never work unless you're both divorced already... I'd keep working with your husband with how he treats you and your daughter. It's not right for him to treat you like that but at the same time he can change. How you described your husband is just like mine. Mine is high maintenance, quick to judge and critical. He is a leader and a delegater which explains a lot. My hubby was at one point critical of me and the kids but I kept talking to him about how he treats us and he changed. He still wants me to "serve" him but I do it joyfully and he treats me like his queen. =) My personality is to serve and be a helper so we fit well together. But my husband is kind to us, loves us and would bend over backward for us. He thinks the world of us and works hard for us.... I don't mind that he is high maintenance because he is such an outstanding person and I'm totally in love with him. I say to have those feelings toward your husband that you have for this other man. You can do it... keep loving your husband and pursuing him only.... it could change your marriage! Good luck to you!

.

Stop! You are in the beginning stages of critically injuring if not killing your marriage. How would you feel if your husband had a the same "relationship" with some lady friend? Uhuh! exactly

Stop before you hurt your husband, KIDS and yourself (because this "connection" will soon pass and you'll be left with guilt and the consequences).

When a women finds a man she's attracted too she quickly finds fault with her husband - even though she might have the best husband in the world hes not good enough all of a sudden after years of sharing life together.

I think it might be a good idea for you to speak with a therapist and get to the root of your feelings. It sounds like there is definitely a void in your marriage, and I think you need to examine why you think it is okay for your husband, who should love and honor you, to treat you in a degrading way, as well as to treat your daughter that way. Keep in mind that how her father treats her mother, and how he treats her, will affect all of her future relationships. I am not surprised that you found a connection to a person who was kind and considerate to you - and I would say that you might be surprised just how many people out there in the world might spark a similar reaction, not just this one guy that you met.

I guess, bottom line, it seems to me that you are searching for kindness and acceptance and the reason you can't get this person out of your head is that you are really missing this at home. If you can't get your husband into counseling, then go by yourself. I think it would be worth it.

Best of luck - my heart goes out to you!

I have friends that are guys & my hubby has had friends that are girls... if you both understand where the line is there shouldn't be an issue. But that being said... I've never had anyone that "filled the void" that I'm feeling, because I don't feel I have a void that needs filling. I'm not sure how to handle the situation you are going through... I have been friends w/ guys I find cute, but have never done anything with them. They know my "rule" - I will deal with any jokes, comments or whatever... just don't touch. It has been the way I deal - even when I worked in a factory of 200 very "manly" guys.

I will admit that my hubby tells me all the time that my friends are my "boy friends" and if I was to let them "in" so to speak - they wouldn't hessitate, but I just don't believe that. But you never know - men do know men better then us women will ever.

I do have issues with your hubby being so hard on you & your daughter... I grew up in a house where I didn't do anything right - I was the fat, lazy, worthless child. It still effects me to this day & I'm 33 yr old, been married for 15 yrs, worked for a place for 12 yr (till they closed their doors in July) & have 4 kids. I still feel worthless - I was told just this week that I didn't have enough confidence in myself, so I didn't get the job I was interviewing for. Kids hold on to what their parents stay to them... so much so that it will be a part of them through out their lives. So, please find a way of protecting your children!!

I hope you find your answer - both for your happiness & your kids!!

k

D., someone who degrades you and your daughters is not a great husband and father, he's emotionally abusive.
You should not pursue a relationship with a man who you are attractic to and feel as if this person could be your soul mate. You don't need his friendship. You don't find your soulmate in a weekend, and whether or not you stay with your husband should have nothing to do with you having met this man and thinking you've formed a relationship with him.
I would forget about the man, this is not an appropriate "friendship" and think more about what your daughers are learning about their own self esteem and how they should expect to be treated in a relationship, by examining your own marriage. No one should have to be that resiliant.

There is a saying "Don't mess with fire and you will not get burned" As tempting as it is that you were able to "connect", relate and let out each other's steam, consider it just a release. Long term it might not be beneficial because you both are married with children. What might appear innocent can be blown out of proportion in the long term and you do not want to damage your marriage on account of just being able to relate. Think long term and check with your husband- If he approves of the friendship, then both families should share the friendship, not just you and that guy. Don't mean to sound harsh!

Hi D. - this is the beginning of what is referred to as an "emotional affair". Because you feel you can't talk to, relate to your husband, you are drawn to someone you can. Even if it never becomes physical, emotionally you will end up having MORE distance with your husband because of it.

Try to get counseling for the both of you if you can. Check out the men are from mars/women are from venus books, as they help communicate the different communication/relationship styles women and men have. It makes it easier to deal with the annoying stuff and may give you some hints on how to move you and your husband closer to where you want to be.

Good luck!

No there is no hope for your new friendship. Walk away if you don't want to ruin your marriage or betray your husband. Cheating doesn't just have to be physical but emotional too and IMO and both are not good! If your husband knew all about your "friendship" how would he feel? Do you feel you need to hide anything about it? If so, then its wrong! If your husband had a "friendship" with another woman like that, how would you feel? You are married and there has to be lines for friendships and all relationships. You are entering a point of distrust and betrayal even if you aren't quote on quote cheating. A little attention, a little thinking about someone is one thing but its not something that should be sought out or long term. There needs to be a point where we realize that lines are being crossed whether its emotional and/or physical. Its not fair to your spouse - even if there are issues b/c the fact is he is your husband and while he is your husband someone else shouldn't be a big part of your world at all. Work on your relationship with your husband if you still love him or get out before betraying in anyway! Now your daughter is another story - she needs to come first no matter what so you need to focus on that and fix that. Oh yeah, and this friend of yours is MARRIED too - how do you think HIS WIFE would feel of your friendship regardless of HIS intentions. Think about it. You are an adult, this is NOT highschool. You have a great issue to contend with but one thing I ALWAYS say is its COWARDLY to cheat - whether it be physical or emotional and another MARRIED MAN filling your void in your life is EMOTIONAL cheating. Be a strong woman and have the common sense to do the right thing...and then if you want someone else after all is said and done - after you've done the right thing by your family and yourself than may you live happily ever after!

It's not that uncommon for partners to find someone outside the marriage that fills that void. ...and ending up making it bigger. You are still cheating emotionally.

Fist off, your husband is obviously not happy with his life. Not sure if he's jealous of the life you have (outside of working). Maybe he does want to play all day with the kids instead of going to work but he knows he can't and that's frustrating him. Calling him a jerk was a nice way to put what I would've called anyone I was with who treated my children that way.

Work on your marriage. Fill that void with a hobby...or a cat...not another human being. No one should live with being degraded on a daily basis and you "getting over it" only condones his behavior.

Sit and reflect when you noticed things started to go "wrong" in your marriage. Then go back three months. Also think about how your husband's parents interacted compared to your parents. Sometimes that's where the issues lay. He might be expecting your relationship to go the same way his parents did or vice verse.

I recommend "The Love Dare" book and journal..and watching "Fireproof".

It's nice to find someone you fit with.... and you deserve a friend you can share with.......but things could go so wrong so fast. If you both know this is just a friendship then i dont see a problem. Keep it simple.. coffee..lunch whatever and be honest with you spouse(but not all the details just enough to feel comfortable) BUT if you know deep down that there is a potential for something else you need to end it now.

You husband sound like my ex, a self absorbed jerk. Nobody should call you or you daughter stupid... record him and let him hear what he sounds like yelling at his daughter, maybe he will understand how degrading and awful it is.

good luck

mmmh this is an outside perspective but Im reading a couple things here.

1. Your husband seems to have a problem connecting with his oldest daughter...not unusual.

2. You don't sound like you feel connected with your husband.

3. Because of the second point, you are in a vulnerable state of mind and looking for a connection.

4. I would address points 1 and 2 first before pursuing a friendship with the guy.

What I would do. I thinks its crucial that you plan quiet time alone with your husband. At first just reconnect and enjoy each other's company. Try and squeeze in 2 days a week of this. See if this helps in how he responds to you if you're still having problems then one of these quiet nights you'll have to be more direct.

As for your daughter, you need to work on this now before she gets rebellious. I would tell your husband you want to plan a day for him and just the oldest daughter. Find out what he would be comfortable with and enjoy. Hopefully, the end result is your daughter feels less threatened and closer with him.

forget about this new guy and work on marriage get professional help or get out

D....D....you're treading on thin ice. So you had a good time, cherish, and move on.

No you should not pursue anything but therapy. Your husband is verbally abusing you and your daughter and you better do something about it before your daughter's self-esteem is too low to be repaired.

First and foremost it sounds as if your husband needs some help!! Second do not allow him to treat your daughter or yourself for that matter the way he does it will affect your daughter in the long run and you as her mother need to protect her. Third you need to give your husband a reality check the world does not revolve around him and you need to stop catering to him!! Fourth as far as this man goes that you met BACK OFF he is married and so are you happily or not you don't mess with what isen't yours! You are in a vaunerable position right now because your not feeling connected to your husband and so when you finally clicked with someone "it feels right"...if you husband is unwilling to change and really help your family then maybe it is time for something else. But get the married guy out of your head sweetie it will only lead to more problems!!

You say you are happily married, but that your husband is verballly abusive to you and your daughter??? It's not fair to your daughter or even 'his' kids to let this continue.

D., I wish I could tell you that it was okay to have a friendship with this guy, but come on-think of it from a guys perspective. Do you clearly know and believe his intentions with you? What would you do if he came on to you? What if his marriage isn't that good, and he's looking for something that he's not getting? I think you are playing with fire too, but as a woman, a little spark in your life is good. He probably makes you feel worth something, makes you feel listened too or even beautiful. That is good for you that you can still catch a guys eye, but it shouldn't go further than that. Use it as a confidence boost, and get that husband of yours to show that he appreciates you. You are apparently worth more than you are feeling. I think that if you need him as a friend it wouldn't hurt to visit with him ONCE in a WHILE. But don't let boundaries get crossed, as its best that NO one gets hurt by your two's friendship.

I agree with Karen B. on all accounts. My suggestion to you is to look into Christian counseling for you and your husband and include your daughter at some point; she is learning in this situation. The best place to start is in prayer. Keep praying that God will show you were to start and how to follow. Thoughts and prayers for you and yours in your situation, may God bless you!

D., do yourself a favor and just excuse it as one of those things. The grass always looks greener on the other side. Communication is the key. You have to work this out with your husband. Be open with him and tell him how you feel, how he makes you feel. This guy looks like the dream guy only because he spoke to you like a husband should. You have too much to lose and so does he. Don't let temptation get in the way. It only makes things worse. Maggie

I honestly would not be with anyone who treated my daughter so badly. He is not a good father. And no, I would not pursue a friendship with this other man at this time.

hmm i would say it is hopeless to have this relationship you will cheat and your dh is douche i honestly am sad you let him treat you that way but so udderly disgusted you let him treat you daughter that way :(

girl let me start off by sayin if he dont stop leave it will only get worse i promise you i was married 2 a man for 15 years like that get out why you can this aint fair 2 ur childern....i will be prayin for you

I see three big issues in your post. Your husband is verbally abusive to you and your kids and doesn't want to change. You met someone you are attracted to (if you try to be "friends" odds are very high it will become an affair that hurts 2 families regardless of your intentions). Also, you are in a position that wears away your self-esteem--your husband is verbally/emotionally abusive and you are a SAHM of small children. Having young children definitley has it's rewards but it is exhausting and largely thankless. It is really hard to imagine doing everything you are doing now to take care of your family and work full time on top of that. I don't know if I could do it either right now (my 2 kids are about the ages of your youngest 2).

If you want my advice, continue your counseling for you and your daughter. Find some things you enjoy doing for yourself--it could be something fun like an exercise class or hobby, volunteer work (helping others almost always helps you feel good yourself) or a class to update job skills for later. My mom swears being a Girl Scout leader saved her sanity when we were in elementary school and she is still on some comittees 30 years later. If you are interested in scouting at all there are terrific activities for girls the age of your oldest and I had a wonderful time at GS sleep away camp as a teenager. Some people get a great deal out of church programs if that is your kind of thing.

It might be possible to get your husband into counseling. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find a therapist that is a good fit. Maybe he would do better with a male therapist or a male and female set of marriage counselors. But maybe (probably) he just doesn't want to change because it is hard work. In that case he has to realize that your marriage is in trouble and there is a real chance you might leave. It doesn't sound like that is where you are now but is worth talking it out and considering the possibility. It may take you a few years to get things in order that you could leave, or you might actively choose to stay and make things better. But having the confidence you could leave if necessary allows you to negotiate changes from a position of strength.

I don't have a lot to say, only that if you were truly happy in your marriage, this situation and your feelings about it wouldn't even be an issue. You complain about your husband, and say he is a jerk, and have situations to back up that accusations, but you say you are "happily" married. Maybe you need to rethink your situation... your husband needs a wake up call!!

D.,
I would recommend a book called Love and Respect. There is also a seminar that goes with it. We attended it at our church.
Also, the movie, Fireproof is very good.
Don't cheat with the other man. It would destroy two families.
Sorry if I have repeated others' comments. No time to read all your .
Good luck and God bless.
Victoria

No, no, no. Do not get involved in anyway with another guy. That is SOOO high school, so dangerous, and heck, you could lose your kids if he has enough money to fight for it.

You have marriage issues. All marriages do. Work on them and don't settle for less. You guys need marriage counseling. He needs to learn that he will lose his family unless he isn't a jerk. He is ruining your and your kid's self esteem and that is not okay. He is not a good father treating them that way.

You need to learn how to insist on being treated well and by now, your kids may have to learn that too. The power is within you. Do the right thing. If he won't change, leave him, collect your child support, of which you'll have to use some of it to pay for counseling for your kids, and then find happiness in a guy that you have a few years to check out long enough to know he'd be a great husband and father.

Don't fantasize that this is a quick fix. If things get carried away, you may have to look over your and his shoulder every time. You can fix you for a lifetime.

Enjoy some lovely fantasies but know that that is all they are. and please don't contact this fantasy dude or respond if he contacts you. just my 2 cents

Hi D., Don,t worry you are just human, you have just found a bit of me time that,s all. So you are enjoying a bit of freedom and attention. Your life is the same as countless of women all over the world, and I speak from experience been there done that worn the teeshirt, I have bought 3 children up whilst juggling working and running a home which was exactly like yours 3 demanding kids and a husband yelling. I am almost 60 now and have 7 grandsons my daughters lives are exactly like yours and what mine was like bringing them up. My advice to you is enjoy a friendship with this man, But don,t be tempted if you feel something could happen between you back off, it,s not worth risking your happy marriage for. Good luck and happy families. Mystic England x

Updated

Hi D., Don,t worry you are just human, you have just found a bit of me time that,s all. So you are enjoying a bit of freedom and attention. Your life is the same as countless of women all over the world, and I speak from experience been there done that worn the teeshirt, I have bought 3 children up whilst juggling working and running a home which was exactly like yours 3 demanding kids and a husband yelling. I am almost 60 now and have 7 grandsons my daughters lives are exactly like yours and what mine was like bringing them up. My advice to you is enjoy a friendship with this man, But don,t be tempted if you feel something could happen between you back off, it,s not worth risking your happy marriage for. Good luck and happy families. Mystic England x

You are treading on THIN ICE!!! This man has shown you what your marriage should be. He has for a moment fulfilled something you before now didn't even realize was missing. If you try to persue a "friendship" with this guy IT WILL NOT GO WELL! It could bring about the break up of 1 or 2 families and if that isn't what you want then stay away from him. Get counseling together with your husband and tell him you are lacking in your marriage relationship. (Don't tell him you met someone that in just a matter of hours made you feel better than he does in a month!) You AND your daughter deserve to be treated well and putting you and his daughter down is going to do perminent damage. Your daughter is at high risk here for low self-esteem, depression, suicide, teen pregnancy (what she doesn't get from dad she will seek else where) and general emotional issues. Heck, get family counseling and fix the problems NOW for your daughter AND you before things get worse. Don't accept the current living conditions as working because heart ache is just around the bend if you leave it as is!!!!!!God Bless! A.

Its not him he is just filling a void because you are feeling lonley. This conversation is potentially dangerous you need to be there for you kids and you husband. I know marriage is not easy..its hard work.
You are doing a good job with the kids. Think how this would affect the kids in a negative way. Focus on the positive aspects of your husband.

Hi D., you and your oldest daughter need therapy with or without your husband. You need someone you can confide in, who will listen to you and value your opinions, which could be a friend or this man, or a COUNSELOR. The counselor will give you the added benefit of being someone who is trained to deal with the kind of problems your marriage has. I think you should re-find a sense of self before you become too involved in a friendship with the other man. Plus, you have to take care of your daughter, and he will be of no help there.

Your husband is controlling your life, and degrading you and your daughter's self worth. He is the one who REALLY needs therapy, but if he won't go, you have to take care of yourself and your daughter. You have a lot of voids in your life, you lack a husband who respects you, you lack a husband who treats you like a human being, you lack a PARTNER. You did not marry someone to be their slave, your husband does not own you. I'm sure he does love you and your girls, BUT he does not have the skills required to give any of you the respect and true love you ALL need to thrive and grow.

If you truely want to help your daughter, I would get the 2 of you in therapy, maybe the therapist can give you tools to deal with communicating with your husband, maybe he/she can help you convince him to go to therapy. I would wait until you've had at least 6 months of therapy before you strike up a friendship with the other man. Otherwise, he will just provide a band-aid to cover your wounds, not a way to make them heal. He may help you to deal with the areas of your relationship with your husband that are lacking, but he will not be providing anything that can help your oldest daughter, and may even make things more confusing for her. And this is all assuming you DON'T end up having an affair.

It sounds like there are some ugly, dark issues, you have been ignoring in your relationship, you probably have not even consciously admitted them to yourself. Therapy may lead you to break away from your husband (if you can't get him to go as well) - remember the issues are truly his, you and your daughter just need therapy as a way to COPE with him and to grow despite him. HE needs therapy to learn how to stop treating you both (and eventually your younger daughters) so badly. And believe me, as soon as your older daughter either leaves the house or changes the way she interacts with him, or as soon as one of the younger ones start standing up to him, HE WILL start calling them stupid and ruining their self-worth as well. He was probably raised the same way. It is not old-fashioned, it is not old world, it is JUST PLAIN INEXCUSABLE to call your spouse or your child stupid.

Don't trust the intentions of the other man, don't make any assumptions about his relationship or his values - he may have been raised to believe that even if you do love your wife you can still have affairs with other women, men need sex... and so on. The only way you can truly help yourself and your daughters is to get into therapy, and preferably get your husband to go as well. If your husband does not love and respect you enough to go and put forth a real effort to participate while he is there, as you become stronger you may learn that the healthiest thing you can do for your family is to leave him. Your husband is very broken, he will not admit this, but he is. If you can get him to fix himself, you may be able to save your marriage and your family, if he is completely unwilling to particaipte, you may realize you need to cut your losses and run. Just because he loves you doesn't mean he knows how to like or respect any of you.

I know I'm going on and on, but you have a lot of issues to deal with, and running to the next "nice" guy is not going to solve them.

I honestly don' think the problem is with the other guy, but with you and your husband. If your husband acts the way you say he does, I'm not sure why you allow yourself and especially your daughter to be treated in this way. Also, his excuse about your daughter being mean to him is ridiculous. She is a child, he is the parent. He needs to get his anger under control, treat you and your daughter with the respect you deserve, and take on some of the responsibility of raising your children. I guarantee that if your husband changed his ways, you wouldn't even have noticed this other guy. Forget the guy and focus on getting you and your husband into counseling and create a healthy home for your children. Good luck!!

To be honest, you are in a dangerous situation, on both parts.

#1. Your husband sounds verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive to you and your oldest child. He needs help or you need to get out. My first marriage was mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. They don't stop.
#2. I found the same connection with somebody like that too. You feel fulfilled because he's giving you the positive attention that your husband won't give you. It's called an emotional affair. You may not physically cheat on your hubby, but you are getting the emotional satisfaction from another man.

You are sitting on a powder keg and shooting off sparks. Believe me, I've been there and done that. Not a good place. Because it feels good to be with that other person, but what happens if your overly-critical hubby finds out and doesn't approve? Could lead you to something you're not ready for, like divorce. You might love your husband and would never physically cheat on him, but if he doesn't completely give you all you need, then maybe it's time for you to re-evaluate your life. Do you really want your kids to grow up with a dad that shows so little respect for you? You are "worth it" and are "good enough". And you should have someone that makes you feel like it. A partner is supposed to lift you up, not kick you down.

But, is it possible for a man and woman to be best friends? Yes. Definitely, but only if your husband is fully aware of the relationship and is comfortable with it. Otherwise, there will always be a cloud of suspicion hanging over your relationship. Maybe you can convince your friend and his family to get together with yours. If everyone can make friends, then that could pave the way for a long lasting friendship. I started out in a similar meeting with a guy and in the end, because I got all of us together for a bbq, it turned out good. We are all very good friends and my hubby likes and trusts the two of us together, yes, even alone. lol . And it helped out our marriage because we ended up talking about much needed issues and he realized that he wasn't being all that I needed him to be. There are always exceptions to the rule.

Reading your update that your hubby went to counseling "once" tells me that he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him and refuses to change. Kudos to you for getting your daughter into counseling. Sounds like she needs it. Too bad you can't talk your hubby into marriage counseling. He does sound like a piece of work.

Remember, you are worth having everything you want, not just a piece of it. You might love your man, but if he continues down this road, love isn't always the answer and it can't solve everything. I loved my ex-husband too, but couldn't stay. Even though it hurt, I knew there was better out there for me. You deserve respect as do your children. So really, think twice before you say you are "happily married with children". Can you really say that you are happy when he makes you feel less than a person and degrades your daughter? And I don't care who says it, there is a difference between your children and your step-children (the biological bond), and it sounds like he's got a problem with your daughter. Has he always been like this?

Good luck, my dear.