I Am Failing!!

First of all, though I know it's difficult, stop trying to analyze him. Analyze your own behavior, make a treatment plan, and work that plan.

Buy the book "Love and Logic" and read it cover to cover. Learn to parent your son in a way that will help you both.

Control yourself. Walk away. Count to 20. Send him to his room and regroup. Whatever. But no more yelling. Discuss FIRST, not after you apologize for blowing up.

It will be okay. Everyone slips up. Everyone has a hard day. You can do better.

Stop yourself before your mouth opens and remind yourself you are the adult. You are the one able to control yourself.

I will never understand why parents can't see that their children are mini versions of themselves. If I had to venture a guess you don't handle stress well either, that you are emotional, and that the support system you need is, well I want to say non emotional but I know that is the wrong word, err, someone that does not react emotionally. It calms you. The last person you need is someone like you? Yeah, guess what he has? So it isn't that you have to change who you are, that is silly, just change how you react by stopping to think, to remember and then give him back what you would need if you were in his shoes.

T.,

Start by talking to your colleagues. Hiding your struggle won't help and may hurt you. Why not benefit from the help of others. It's what your profession is based on! We all need it from time to time and you are no exception. Certainly your colleagues have yelled at their kids too! We are all human after all! Everyone you know has "failed" their kids in some way because of this fact.

You are in good shape. You KNOW what you did wrong, which will enable you to work on it, and talking to other parents and colleagues will help you focus on the best way that will work for you.

If I were you I'd start by seeing if their is a pattern of when you lose patience.
Are you PMS? Are you hungry? Over tired? These are not excuses, but they are reasons that you could address by making sure you get your sleep, eat properly and possibly take supplements or medication.

Your child is on the anxious side? Gee Whiz..... I wonder where he got that? You sound a bit anxious about being the perfect Mom. I was actually writing a question on Mamapedia while you were writing yours...... if you read it you may guess that as a seasoned Mom I have learned we have less control than you think. My guess is that you are anxious yet you deal with it and are managing in life. Expect the same of your child..... who is very lucky to have a Mom that will offer techniques to help.

You might try some stress relieving medication or supplementation to help you "remember to do what you know to do in these tense moments." Maybe not though. Maybe you just need to talk about it more instead of hiding it to bring it to your full consciousness. Practice makes perfect.

Keep working on it and be proud of yourself for it!

:)

You need to include your child's age in your questions.

I don't know how to make you remember what you "know how to do." Maybe remove yourself from the situation and calm down for a few minutes before talking to him?

In my somewhat vast experience with kids of all ages, I have come to the conclusion that Less (talking) is More, especially with boys. This may go against your grain, being a psychologist, but boys really should not be forced to discuss themselves and their feelings ad nauseam.

Focus on a behavioral approach, where you simply tell him, "I can't hear you when you whine," and then don't respond till he stops whining, rather than making him analyze why he whines, trying to make him understand why whining is unpleasant and getting him to acknowledge why he shouldn't do it, etc. etc. etc., as psychologists tend to do.

Especially if your child is anxious, over-discussing his behavior will heighten his anxiety. Just keep it light and simple.

Light, and simple. He doesn't need to feel bad about himself and analyze himself, he just needs to adjust his behavior. Say, "Mommy can't hear whining." Or, if he's older, "Mom can't hear whining." And then don't respond to him until he says it in a normal voice.

Light and simple. And p.s. humor is really useful in parenting, so be humorous whenever possible.

My suggestion is to adopt and then practice and consistently implement a strategy. One might be to give yourself a time out. i.e. "son, I am really upset/ disappointed/ bothered by your behavior/ failure to listen/ nagging/ etc. I need a moment to gather my thoughts and think of an appropriate consequence. I will be in the kitchen. 1. Please don't speak with me until I come out. 2. Please brainstorm about what happened and what an appropriate consequence might be. 3. Please clean up this mess, write a letter of apology etc etc while I am in the kitchen."

I for one hated/ and still hate being micromanaged. My mother was one to look over my shoulder when I washed the dishes, my thought was if they came out clean, what did it matter whether I sponged clockwise or counterclockwise.

By all means - define the job, offer techniques, communicate your expectations re: what defines clean/ done, as for what process your son chooses, don't interfere. Do this chore teaching separate and apart from punishment.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I urge you to talk with a counselor so that you can identify and deal with your issues causing you to handle the stress with anger and criticism. It sounds like you're wanting to change your response without knowing ehy you respond that way. And to make the situation more difficult you're criticizing yourself instead of loving and accepting yourself.

You are a good mom. Stop thinking otherwise. Figure out why you don't accept yourself and you're on you way to figuring out why you don't accept your son.

Patty W said it well.

Realize what your triggers are, look for them and when you feel you are getting stressed - take a step back and give yourself a time out.
Remove yourself from the situation for 10 or 30 minutes - go lie down and shut your eyes for a bit.
If you end up napping, you'll certainly feel better once you wake up.

You are a human being and make mistakes. Being a mom is a beautiful job but it is not easy. Just take your child in your arms, do not give a long explanation to him, just say: " I am sorry I yell at you, sometimes I do not feel well, and sometimes I make mistakes, moms are not perfect. Thank you for doing the best you can." Talk to your friends, real and close friends, start from there, and then you will be ready to teach your own child how to express his feelings and cope with the "bad" feelings. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Always remember, kids will learn more from what you do than what you say to them.
A. :)

As moms, we always yell and tend to feel bad after we say more then we should have. And the fact that you two sat and talked it over and said sorry is HUGE. You have to pick your battles. It is never gonna be done the way you want it when loading the dish washer and such......I appreciate the effort they do to help and I do go back and correct how they did it but I tell them later to try and do it this way..... It is an on-going battle to please parents and for us to please them. We are human and it is okay to break and it sounds like you did a wonderful recovery. Which is more then I do at times....

Don't treat yourself or your child as a patient. You both are human beings first. You both will make mistakes. Do you think maybe you feel like you are "criticizing" too much, but perhaps you are just more sensitive to criticism? Heck, I get onto my 5 year old at least 4-5 times a day about something. I drive myself crazy sometimes hearing my voice. However, I kind of thought that was a part of parenting – repetition and setting a realistic example. Everyone has bad moments. The fact that you took that moment and made it into something positive is far more valuable than being perfect all the time. Your son was shown an example of real life. Being able to talk and apologize is just awesome and to reiterate - a wonderful valuable life lesson.

I think you are also teaching your son that life is not easy, sometimes it is a struggle and you make mistakes – that you still love and care about him despite what happened. Again, another valuable lesson.

I think you both could use some balance though. I think you need to balance out the all the stress, struggles and criticizing with some good old fashion "who gives a royal rats a$$" fun with your child. Pick a day and just be lazy, be messy, be crazy and enjoy your child and yourself. We have something called “first Fridays” at our house where our LOs can eat what they want (within reason), do what they want (within reason) and most importantly – mommy doesn't criticize over little or big things. In a way, it’s nice to just not care and let them just be.

I think it's easy to hold yourself to a higher standard because of your profession. And frankly I wouldn't ask your friends if they are in your profession because I would imagine they too would treat you as a patient and follow a textbook process on how to diagnose your issues, etc (no insult intended for those in your profession) forgetting that you are human first.

I'm in your field, and I understand where you're coming from. It's much easier to identify problems and help others, but it's a whole different ballgame when it comes to ourselves and our families..and that's ok.

I think you did well handling the argument you and he had. None of us are supermoms, we all make mistakes, and it's hard. But everyone strives to be better, and because you want to do better, you are being a good mom. It will be ok, just keep tackling the issue.

And, for what it's worth, I do think you should talk to your friends or other moms about this. There's nothing like having support from other moms who have been there. Just because you're a psychologist doesn't mean you're expected to be perfect.

You just think you fix people when they walk away from your office. They know what to do but lack of knowledge is only part of the problem.
Guess what, you are no different.

He is probably anxious because you are anxious. When you take your own advice and see a counselor, you might get a bigger picture. My best friend is a counselor and sees a counselor. You are not a model 2.0 of humans. Give yourself a break.

I have a Master's in Psychology and have worked in the mental health field for over 20 years. I know how it feels to think you have to be perfect with your own kids because that is what you do for a living. It is not, however, realistic. It took me a while to realize this! We are people too who make mistakes. Before anything else, we are parents with emotions and fears and worries about our children. I think as long as you can apologize and talk about it, like you did, and of course it's not constant to the point of being abusive, it will be ok. Unfortunately, we are going to do things to mess up our kids just like everybody else :)

Also, you have to realize that a big reason we enter this profession is because we have our own mental health challenges at some level. I'm guessing you struggle with some anxiety issues yourself. While being educated in this area is very helpful in dealing with your challenges, they are still there and parenting is a great trigger for them!

Model.

As in when you feel yourself getting snarky... Waaaay before angry... Go on timeout. Put yourself on timeout each and every angle time, and not only are you modeling good behavior... You'll be teaching yourself emotional monitoring and regulation as well.

Except for a TINY subset of the population everyone can learn to think clearly and calmly in times of stress (tired, hungry, irritated, afraid). The evidence is in mandatory military countries... Where for several months people have to actually train themselves not to fall apart when under stress. A tiny subsection can't (or won't) do it. In the US, anecdotally, about 1:100 soldiers are cranky/yelling/snappy/act without intention when under stress. About 1:250 crack. The second half gets extra months of training to attempt to fix that, then get booted. My Israeli friends have better anecdotal numbers (1:500, 1:1500)... But I believe them. Have to do (like parenting) vs want to do (like babysitting). It's easier not to adapt to something you want to do (when you don't like it)... But the belief of "no other option" forces assimilation & adaptation... Even when you don't like it.

Train your brain to stop doing what it's doing by taking a timeout. Even if you have to do it 15x a day in the beginning. After a few months you won't even need the time out... Your parasympathetic nervous system will stop using "lash out" as a coping mechanism when you're tired.

Just because you know what to do doesn't mean it's easy when it comes to applying all this to your child. I'm friends with a therapist who routinely sees her own therapist to sort things out (because it's exhausting emotionally dealing with other people's issues all day). You are under a lot of pressure being a single parent. You need to take time out for yourself to get on track so you have more emotionally to give you son.

I understand your hesitation to discuss with your friends/colleagues, but you need that support system the same as they do. Parenting is not for the faint of heart and acknowledging you're not perfect may help them admit it too and instead of feeling shame you can talk about how to change it.
He's trying to push your buttons and he's succeeding. He's getting a reaction from you. There is no shame in this. We all have moments where we feel like we failed (if you can't admit it then you have other issues). You've overanalyzing and penalizing yourself b/c you feel like you should know better. All of us SHOULD know better than to yell and shame, but we're also human. Cut yourself a little slack and make a new plan moving forward. When you know better, you do better.

I'm not a psychologist but i think you need to get some sleep,detox and just regain your inner good vibes. We don't mean to but we take it out on our kids sometimes. I have a bad habit of yelling and my daughter
Got the same habit from me and that inspired me to do better.

No, you are not failing. You do know that only "good" parents care about their own responses. Poor parents do not care.

That said, of course you are not perfect nor is your child. Support is necessary for all of us so you do need to find someone to support you. Just because you are a psychologist does not mean you have all of the answers for your family. Seek out a friend or another professional to provide what you need for yourself and your son. And relax and enjoy him without trying to be perfect.