Do You Ever Just Feel like You're Screwing up Your Kids?

Oh yes all the time. But my daughter had a friend come over to spend the night this weekend and had brought quite a bit of doll stuff with her. My 10 year old boy runs out and offers to help carry it in without being told. I might be doing okay after all.

When my kids are around other people and are respectful, kind, generous, and polite, I know I am doing a great job!

My kids watch too much TV, eat too much junk food, etc at times- that's being a kid!! We don't ride them hard to be perfect all the time, but they know what their expectations are.

So yes, I will apologize when I do something wrong. I will rework something that needs fixing. I do whatever it takes to do right by them, but I still screw it up. In the end though, I know they love me and they are my world - so I'm doing everything right. They are healthy and happy for the most part, that's all I can ask for.

Always, LOL

One of the columnists (Ann Landers, Dear Abby) on Mother's Day would run stories that mom's wrote in about feeling guilty about a mom mishap. I couldn't find any archives of them but thought these stories written in by other moms to a newspaper might ease your (our) guilt:

I was fortunate to be able to be a stay-at-home mom when our boys were young in the early 1980s. That afforded me, among other things, the time to make homemade Halloween costumes. I considered myself artistic and creative, so I decided to make them robot costumes for our sons' first official Halloween trick-or-treating.
I covered a couple of Japanese lanterns from Cost Plus with papier-mache for the bodies, then used flexible dryer hose (already silver-colored!) to cover their arms and legs. I really got in to it -- I made control panels with knobs I glued to the front and used funnels for hats. I was so proud of myself. The whole process took me about a week.
Then it was show time, and it was a disaster. The boys could barely walk, and they couldn't put their arms down -- did I mention how well the papier-mache worked?
They cried. A lot. I wasn't about to let my efforts go to waste, but we only went to two houses before giving up. Fortunately, they don't remember -- but I'll never forget it.
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My oldest daughter, Hannah, now 26, was in second grade. She was a very advanced reader. When we were at a fast-food place, I asked her to read the menu and tell me her order. When she said she couldn't read it, an eye appointment followed.
The day we picked up her new glasses, she looked around with a big smile. When we walked outside, she looked up at the trees and said, "You mean the trees have individual leaves?"
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My son, who is ready to graduate from university in June, was only 5 when I bought a buzzer to cut his hair. My goal: to save money.
I started buzzing his hair without reading the instructions, only to realize that the buzzer was set at the lowest setting.
He had a broad bald stripe at the back of his head. My son felt his head and asked, "Am I bald?"
I panicked and took him to my neighborhood hair salon and explained my mistake. The hairdresser looked at the mess I had made, looked my son straight in the eye and said, "Don't ever let your mother cut your hair again!"
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When my son was 8 and attending Catholic school, I came across a T-shirt with funny images of roadkill and I bought it for him. Not only that but on no-uniform day, I sent him to school in it and immediately got a call to come pick him up! To this day, I can't believe what came over me to buy the shirt, then send him to school in it because he and his dad are animal lovers!
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One of the chores my kids had as teenagers was cleaning up the kitchen after dinner. My youngest daughter always seemed to have something wrong with her or had some sports thing to go to when it was her turn. One evening, she was complaining that she had injured her arm during softball practice.
It didn't look like anything was wrong. I told her, "Do the dishes anyway." I had other things I had to do: washing clothes, making sure there was food for lunches, getting the other kids started on homework. As I walked through the kitchen, my husband was helping my daughter with the dishes, and tears were streaming down her cheeks. Both glowered at me.
Her arm still hurt the next afternoon, and her father took her to the doctor. You know the rest: She had a broken arm.
I shall never hear the end of it.

LOL

Feel better?
:-)

I'm sure you're doing just fine. I am surprised one of my kids doesn't have scurvy - he hasn't eaten a fruit or vegetable in I don't know how long.

I always feel like I don't have a clue what I am doing, so I am trusting my instinct. I stopped trying to do it right a long time ago, because I wasn't exactly sure what right was. Now I just realize I do my best - but I'm human - some days I can't bear to be in my house listening to the chaos and I go out and prune shrubs that really don't need to be pruned.

I think we all feel like we fail at times. I had to sit through a band concert the other night - we made our child stick with it as a lesson (wanted to quit after 2 months). We thought we were so smart - tough love and all, but 1/2 way through listening to 50 odd clarinets, I turned to my husband and said "I'm not sure this was worth it". My child still hates the clarinet.

I think it's ok to slack off a bit. My mother was a great mom, but I only saw her as a kid if I was helping her. I think sometimes we do too much - meddle too much - and try to solve too many of their problems. So when I am having a slacker day and not getting involved - I think .,ok I'm being a good mom by letting them sort it out themselves.

You care, so you're a good parent. The bad ones don't care. Those are the kids I feel for.

And as for neuroses - my kids tell me "Mom, we're ok. You don't have to care quite so much".

Good luck :)

I am the best mom there is--perfect in every way...said no mom ever!

I always think I am messing them up, yet my adult kids function better than most so I guess I did something right. Mostly luck I suppose.

I think the parents that are messing up their kids are the ones who don't think they are. Ya know, the I am doing everything right because this book and all my friends say so?

When you find yourself yelling at people on the internet that there is nothing wrong with your kids, your parenting, that is a good sign you have started to fail.

I still do and they're 19 and 17.

I've found that some of what I saw as my greatest failures as their mother, they don't even remember. They do remember the funny, stupid mistakes that left no scars but they still find hilarious.

The moments of disrespect or not eating their vegetables really will just be a memory one day - the days are long, but the years are short with littles.

You just love your kids, do the best you can do, rinse and repeat. Be consistent, but take the time for the movie marathon and ice cream dinners b/c those are the things they will remember.

Always try to re-evaluate your parenting b/c it changes for each child and as their life stages change. Talk to other parents so you can gauge yourself. Sometimes we need to take a step back and observe and then reassess but that's how you learn. There's no rule book b/c everyone is different.

So far, mine are both really great people. I try to not feel like a success/failure based on them. They know I'm there unconditionally and will always love them, but they have to make their own choices. They both confide in me, but respect me.
I do love watching them interact with their little cousins - they mirror me when they were little so I figure I did something right ;)

Sometimes I pray they forget that particular day because I was not winning mother of the year (or day) award that day.

And then there are days I whip up a delicious and nutritious dish, have great conversation with them, we laugh and play and they get to bed on time.

It all balances out.

I think as long as we are striving each day to do well, recognize when we have failed and apologize then we are teaching great lessons to them.

1. No one is perfect, not even mom or any adult for that matter
2. When we make mistakes we say sorry and try better

I have learned to not beat myself up. No guilt here over the small stuff.

I just read the book "The Glass Castle". Holey moley it puts life/parenting in perspective. Wanna feel like a decent mom? Read that book.

Every day and twice on the weekends.

Does your kid have a roof over his head?
Clothes on his back?
Does he eat on a daily basis?
Is he happy?
Then congratulations, you're doing it right!

You know that your failing as a parent, when you neglect the basic needs. Also if you aren't feeling that way, I think their is something wrong. I'm sure that's not the case for many of us moms. Its normal to have those doubts. I often feel that way, but then my son reminds me or I get a compliment about him from someone and it totally changes my thoughts.

We do the best we can. We know they love us and we love them. I think that's the most important.

Not so much screwing up vs "I could do more." I could play with them more. I could teach them more sports or practice with them more. I could engage more." But like Margie G said, sometimes I think just letting them be is ok bc that's what our mothers did. And in general, talking to a friend the other day who has totally opposite kids, if we take credit for the child who excels in everything, we have to take blame for the child who doesn't do well. My friend has parented her two kids the same so how can she either take total credit or blame for either of them as they so far are showing completely different futures? Reminded me our kids are who they are and we can likely bend things some but so much is out of our control. So long as we're not actually screwing them up by being uncaring, neglectful, abusive, or modeling really inappropriate behavior like doing drugs etc, I think parenting has become overrated in its importance. :)

it IS hard to gauge yourself sometimes, isn't it? i'd get especially freaked out if i'd just gone through a bad week of no one doing ANYTHING helpful without reminders, or that time the middle school teacher informed me that my boy hadn't turned in any homework in over a month (he did it- just never turned it in!) or was listening to a litany of whining and complaints, or my boys were Living Room Lumps clutching remotes.
homeschooling was my Big Terror though. during each boy's first year of figuring it out, then periodically thereafter, i had episodes of being sure that i'd ruined my kids forever.
sometimes you need a little external validation. i was always so grateful (if sometimes puzzled) when one of my homeschool posse parents would bring me a kid after having him all day at some activity or other and tell me how charming he was. or a teacher would praise him. or one would come home from a weekend at a grandparents' house and i'd hear how wonderfully he'd behaved.
sometimes you just have to give yourself a little grace.
khairete
S.

At least every other day sometimes everyday for weeks on end

My kids are all grown and have kids of their own...

They all take care of their kids, go to work, participate in school activities, my older son coaches his daughter's soccer team etc... I think they turned out great.
None of mine has ever been arrested or even gotten a DUI. They don't always make the right decisions and I worry if maybe I could have done something to cause this but in the end I also realize they learn from their mistakes.
I figure if you kids turn out okay and don't become serial killers as a parent you did good.

Are your kids responsible? Do they get decent grades? Do they have friends? Then stop worrying you are doing fine.

YES !!! and then there are times when I think I am doing a good job as a mom.. I am probably much harder on myself than I need to be. For me, having grown up around alcoholics and then in foster homes, I always have this fear that my son won't turn out "normal" :) then again, what truly is normal.. There are definitely times when I could have managed a situation better and times when I needed to have been more strict.. It's all a learning process. Not a day goes by when I haven't re-evaluated something that happened. That which I try and do is keep the lines of communication open and honest. Two, apologize when I may have overblown a situation, three remember that I am my child's parent BEFORE friend and sometimes I have to make him do things he may not want to do and three and most importantly, try and love him as best I can. How do I know if I am failing or doing the right thing, I don't.... but I am really trying my best.. Parenting is not an easy job... in terms of your question, by virtue of you even posting this question, it shows me that you are probably doing a good job . I say that because not everyone thinks to consider their behavior, some go about life and never once question it or care to ask such important questions... You know more than anyone where or if you can make improvements. Follow your gut instinct and I think you will be just fine as will be your kids.. :)

Do t be so hard on yourself. I am sure he is a happy,healthy little boy. It all balances out in the end. We all have times that we are not at our best. Find me someone who is all the time! Just enjoy him. They grow up so fast.

Yes, in fact, I'm really feeling this way this morning-I think it's PMS.

I'd say more but I'm too depressed right now.

Sure.
I think if a mom never has that thought? She probably IS screwing up her kids! Lol
Just the fact that yourexTHINKING about it is probably a really good sign.

Margie G--lol scurvy!!!

Is he happy? Fed? Clothed? Do you know where he is? Is he doing OK in school? Is he well behaved 80% of the time? Know things like please and thank you?

I bet he's fine. There's a wide range of good parenting and most of us fall in the middle. At 3AM after being woken up yet again by something, I was not in the best of moods, but when I realized my DD was sick, I got it together and she doesn't seem to hold it against me. Not everyone can live a Pinterest life, nor should you. Some days are just boxed mac and cheese days. It's OK. You'll balance that out another day.

Nobody's perfect. Do the best you can and when you have a bad day, apologize as necessary, dust off and try again.

yeah, see that post below about summer school? Yeah, thats me, apparently mother of the year here..... not.

I hope you're feeling better already bc I am just reading the responses!
I tell myself I'm not perfect but I'm present. More than anyone in my family can say about me or my son. I'm there and I try everyday. Nobody else is and that's fine by me. My boy knows he can count on me and that's what makes me feel good as a mom. I think ppl say we're all doing good bc for the most part the majority of us are trying everyday and apparently all feel some level of guilt. Keep your head up mama. To me it's important he knows I'm there & will love him regardless forever...and he does! I know yours does too :). (Like someone else said, the fact you asked and think about it shows a lot).

I feel like I'm failing when I get caught up in the silly details that truly make no difference.

If they eat a well rounded diet then I'm doing well. If they eat chicken nuggets for a week straight but I can also get them eat something else with it then I'm doing okay.

If we sit and watch TV all day for a Kim Possible marathon then I'm doing good because she'll remember that the rest of her life. If she plays on the computer 3 hours straight that's okay because she doesn't get to spend much time during the school year on it. She's too busy with dance, gymnastics, BMX, basketball, tennis, and more. So when she wants leisure time I'm willing to give it to her. We all need outlets.

When he gets on the computer I know he's going to be on it maybe 30 minutes because he'd rather be outside running around playing in the mud, if he can find any.He'll go in the bathroom and spend an hour playing in the tub and have a blast. He'll sit in front of the TV playing with toys and hardly notice it's on but if I turn it off he wants it back on to listen to. I don't care. He's a good kid most of the time and it's silly to fight over TV.

I have the TV on most of the day listening to Bones or Castle or something else that I have DVR'd.

So if I'm nit picking the little details that really really really will have zero effect on their adult lives what am I accomplishing? Nothing except stress in our home.

As a grandparent raising grandchildren I guarantee you that if you make the kids lives miserable when they're growing up and forcing them to do things your way all the time then when they get the opportunity they will go totally opposite and never look back. They might even really like veggies like I did but they'll rebel, in some way they will and it will stick with them.