I Just Had a Very Bad Parenting Morning!

Aaaaaw, don't worry L., tomorrow is another day, ok?

No Mom meets with fabulous success and victory Every Single Day.

Since my kids are more or less grown up, I enjoy the benefit of already KNOWING, in the end, the kids are pretty much ok anyway.

So take a deep breath, put it behind you and dig in again tomorrow.

:)

Kicking and screaming on the floor is 2 yr old behavior, not 11 yr old behavior.

Next time (and hopefully there won't be but there may), don't feed it. Tell her what she needs to get done for school and walk away. If she doesn't get her butt on the bus or in the car on time, then she gets x consequence. Just the other day I told my 4 yr old that she either got her act together or she was going to school in her pajamas.

If she has anxiety issues and self-control issues and they are beyond what you can cope with, why not seek counseling? Not that I advocate medication for everything but sometimes people need to be helped with their anxiety either through talking or medicine. I wish my nephew had been on medication for his ADHD and depression in school. I think he wouldn't have dropped out.

I used to have a very quick temper as a kid and had to work hard to change it. I think one of the things my mom did wrong was engage and escalate situations. She should have walked away or sent me to my room. Because of that, I have been working very hard with DD on other ways to react to things than yelling (something her teachers have noticed, heaven help me).

Everybody has a bad day. I bet I'll forget my rule to myself and have a screaming match with my daughter some day. You dust off. You try again. Parenting is a marathon.

I'm sorry. Everyone has those bad days. It appears the both of you had. I do not think you were looking for advice as much as consoling. We all really do the best we can and at times, especially in the morning or late at night might not makke the best parenting decisions

Don't beat yourself up L....

We've ALL had a bad morning or more at one time or another.

No one is perfect.

I think my kids are almost angels ;)....and I have had mornings where I can go off on them.

Hon, none of us are perfect and we all have a certain threshold for disrespectful and rude behavior from our own children. Your daughter 'takes the cake' and I cannot imagine not matching her tantrum with another tantrum once in a while.

Whenever I have crossed that line and I calm down, I always gather my children up in a hug later and tell them I'm sorry. But they also have to apologize for their contribution. Basically, we kiss and make up.

She does seem way too old to be having toddler type tantrums. Has she been worked up by anyone to rule out medical conditions?

Hugs to you today. Have a cup of tea....Yesterday I had a bad moment at the gym...and was shaky all day because of it.

You said you've been to a psychologist, but how about a pediatric neurologist?

This is based solely on Mom Experience, okay? I could have written your post last year, probably word for word. So I'd like to ask you a few questions.

Do you blog? Would you be able to go back and look at your daughter's behaviors over the years through the blog and see patterns in her behaviors? For instance, does she have trouble transitioning from school to vacations and then back to school again? Does she get anxious even if she's happy when it comes to her birthdays? Does she hate surprises? Is she bad at planning things out yet NEEDS to have things planned out? Is she extremely disorganized yet NEEDS to have things very organized in order to see and do things properly? Is she highly active? Does she want to do and try everything and then leave all of those things/projects unfinished? Does she hyper-focus on things that interest her?

Does she argue sometimes for no apparent reason and you end up blaming hormones? Is she extremely competitive? Is she engaged strongly in sibling rivalry even if her brother is not? Does she blame all problems, even when things are very clearly her doing, on others? Does she go to extremes from taking no blame at all to calling herself the worst person ever?

Is she extremely intelligent, get excellent grades, but has trouble with doing homework? Has her transition into middle school been the worst transition into the new school year ever? Does she think of herself as being equal in authority to adults and/or that rules that apply to children her age don't apply to her?

Do her teachers describe her as pleasant but scatterbrained? Flaky? Spacy at times? Is her locker at school a black pit of despair? Does she look like a deer in the headlights when you ask her to tidy up her room? Does she lose things easily? Is she always talkative? Does she always seem to have something important to say? Does she interrupt conversations a lot? Does she try to find the loopholes in rules?

If any of this sounds familiar, consider having her evaluated by a pediatric neurologist for ADHD and ODD. You can also have her evaluated by a pediatric psychiatrist, who can also offer therapy. You can even do both and have them work in tandem. If you get a diagnosis/diagnoses then bring that to her school and request a 504, especially if you think this is affecting her ability to learn.

Hi L.,

She sounds a lot like my 10 yr old daughter. The only advice I have (and I know it's WAY easier said than done) is to not give her an audience. My daughter has done the same thing about screaming that she has nothing to wear. If I know that she does, and the clothes are in her closet or her drawers, I just simply tell her that she has plenty of clothes in her closet (this is usually just a weekend issue for us since she wears a uniform to school). When she continues screaming and throwing a fit I just adopt the Love and Logic approach of keeping my voice very flat and repeating a line like "probably so" when she tells me that she has no clothes, that her clothes are all ugly, that I'm a bad mom for not buying her cuter clothes...yadda, yadda, yadda.....I don't let her see that she's getting a rise out of me, and it actually drives her insane that she's not getting to me. She will usually give up after awhile. She loves to argue, but it takes two to argue doesn't it? I tell this to my husband all the time when he falls for her verbal guilt trips and feels like he has to explain himself to her. Don't play into it. Don't give her an audience. When it's something that I really do need to discuss with her, or help her with, and she's in one of her irrational, crazed moods I just calmly say "I'll be happy to help you/talk to you when you can speak to me in a calm, respectful manner". I usually have to repeat this several times in a very calm voice before she settles down and asks me in a calm manner. I read something once that said losing control is like an adult temper tantrum, and your child is not going to respect you when you act like that. I have to remind myself of that frequently because my first inclination is to always fly off the handle as well. I know that when everyone is yelling, no one is hearing anything.

Don't beat yourself up. We've all had moments we wish we could do over again. If you would like, you can apologize to her for screaming at her. Who knows? She might apologize to you as well. I would stick with the loss of TV, Ipod, and earlier bedtime though. Giving those back to her will just make her think that there are no consequences to her actions. Hang in there!

I would have flipped out if my kid did that too. No advice but just to make sure that you hold to your punishments on this one.

Do not be so hard on yourself! Anyone would have lost their cool at this point.
What have the doctors said?
I am not usually one who is quick to medicate children, but it sounds like she has a chemical imbalance and needs some help.
Back to the doctor I would go.
I hope you find some answers soon!

((hugs)) We all have rough parenting moments sometimes. We're human after all. Give her a hug when she gets home, and talk to her about her behavior and yours. She will likely appreciate you recognizing that your behavior wasn't the best, and will be more likely to examine her own behavior.

Hang in there, Mama. We all have difficult days. I hope your day gets brighter, and that your daughter does well in the mile run!

ETA: My youngest has a terrible time with perfectionism and dealing with stress and anxiety. Sometimes this causes him to fall to pieces. A friend of mine sent me this article from CNN yesterday about helping kids to deal with stress, and I found it to be quite helpful. Maybe it would help you and your daughter, too. Here is the link: http://www.cnn.com/2012/10/08/living/real-simple-child-st...

This is the story of every single parent, one morning or another. The only people who would call you a bad mom are the people who haven't had kids yet.

I wanted to respond specifically, though, to ask if you'd tried occupational therapy for your daughter. This is very different from "talk therapy" (which has never done a thing for me either, personally); it gives kids physical ways to work through their anxieties. It's often done with younger kids, but it could still help with your daughter, especially if she has her own special brew of anxiety issues, pre-teen hormones, and sensory sensitivies. (I can't say that for sure, of course, but my "sensory" bells went off when I read your post.)

Best wishes. You truly sound like a loving, caring, honest-with-herself mom.

Wow! What a bad way to start the morning for you both. (((HUGS))) I can't imagine watching an 11 y.o. throw a fit like that. And from what you describe, she is struggling with some serious anxiety.

What jumped out at me is something I just learned about with myself. My cortisol levels (tested with blood) are off and it causes me to get angrier easier and I don't calm down as quickly as I should. I'm in a hyper stressed mode a lot. (Just something else to think about.)

With your daughter's hormones kicking in, I would guess a lot has to do with that, too. Wowsa Mom, you're going to have your hands full(er). It sounds like you've been doing the best you can. Don't beat yourself up!

And, I agree with sitting down with her today and discussing how you both mishandled the situation. Maybe remove some of the restrictions in good faith of trying to do better? Talk about better ways to cope with the stress. Let her come up with a plan to change her reactions to stress and how you can help her recognize when she's going over the top. (Maybe even video her tantrum so she can see herself?) I would even talk with the school counselor for suggestions, help, and/or resources for teens.

Good luck, Mama!

honestly i think its a perfect opportunity to talk to her about her behavior.. you know something like im sorry i lost it this morning, you didnt like that right? well thats exactly what youre like when u scream and yell and throw a tantrum.. how do u think that makes me feel? .. p.s. -sorry u had such a bad morning!

aw :-( i'm sorry. we've all had bad parenting moments - i would just apologize for losing your cool when she gets home from school and have a good talk. i "might" take away a couple of the punishments depending on how your talk goes with her this afternoon. i hate mornings like that :-(

Whoo boy, does that sound familiar! First of all, give yourself a break. You are a human being doing your best. So this morning wasn't an Ozzie and Harriet moment. Forgive yourself. It happens.

Out of curiosity, has your daughter been tested for ADD? Some of this sounds very like it: impusiveness, inability to control behaviour, problems with change, inability to negotiate a compromise. That is our situation with our second daughter, now 12, and so far puberty has been like a swift kick in the head. She has been working with a therapist, who is heaven sent for all of us. She is learning some good coping techniques and taking meds and over all while the volume is about the same, we all feel like we are working towards something and that really helps. As does the trampoline. When things are really going badly, she heads out the backdoor and "jumps the crazy" away (her words, not mine)

I feel your pain though sister, I truly do. It's a hard row to hoe.

*edit* Now that I see your "what happened" comments, I wonder if you have tried all the different ADD meds available? It took us a long while to get our daughter adjusted, but we finally found one that works well at a very low dose.

You. Are. A. Human. Being.

I think you might be being a tad hard on yourself L.. Be accountable, forgive yourself, move on. I've yet to meet a mom who hadn't had a shodie parenting moment or two, over the years.

And, what you're dealing with, it's a lot. It's not that hard to stay calm through one fit, or even a dozen. For those of us raising (beautiful, complex, intelligent, loving, dynamic) challenging kids, we're not needing to float through a fit now and then. It's constant. And it can be exhausting and exasperating. Sometimes, for me, it's felt like swimming in rough seas. You go under, get tossed around a little, find the surface and take a breath, and then you're back under. Not all the time, but sometimes, that's how I've felt.

So here's something that helps me stay sane, so that I can help my kiddo maintain balance:

- Repreve and self care
If I'm not taking time for myself, I loss it a heck of a lot quicker than if I'm practicing self care. I've got to keep balance to teach balance. I've got to spend time away from my kids too, so that I can replenish my reserves and not go empty on them.

- Books
Have you already read these books? I find them SO helpful:
http://www.amazon.com/dp/0061906190/?tag=hyprod-20&hv...#

http://www.amazon.com/Stupid-Self-Help-Attention-Deficit-...

- Community
I've got to stay in touch with parents who I can relate to. Parents who will witness, understand, and hang tough with me.

- Taking time outs
If I feel myself getting to the point where I'm going to snap, I've got to take a step back and walk away from the situation. I've got to make sure I practice the same tools I try to encourage my kids to adopt.

So many hugs. I hope it gets easier, and soon.

I have a 10 year old daughter -- I don't know that she has been as difficult as you describe your child, but I have had a similar experience with her throughout her life -- she was difficult as a baby, toddler, and so on, right up to today. Puberty is going to be rough -- I'm quite sure she was PMSing today, even though she hasn't started her period yet. They go through cycles hormonally years before it starts. If your reaction today was out of the ordinary, I think you're doing well. I cannot say the same -- It's not constant, but I don't react to her as well as I would like often. Anxiety definitely plays a huge role in my daughter's behavior, and she is frequently anxious. We have changed her diet and added some supplements (via our doctor -- fish oil, L-theanine, and Lemon balm) that help with anxiety, and overall her behavior has improved. You may want to talk with your dr. about what options may help, or even research a little on your own. I can only say that I hear you and feel for you. You are not alone, and neither is she.

Don't beat yourself up too bad. We all have our days. We all have our parenting moments we want to take back. We all lose it in some form or another. It happens. It's part of what makes us human. And frankly, I think a flailing 11 year old in a toddler type tantrum would make many of us enraged. My son's baseball coach has a phrase we have adopted as a household motto, "It's not how you start, it's how you finish." So this afternoon you can talk to her. You can let her know why you were upset and why you lost it. It's okay to apologize for losing control. It's also ok to let her know that even if you didn't handle things the best way possible, her behavior was unacceptable.

My sister was somewhat like this and I think to some extent, she still is. She's easy to anger, flies off the handle and is often irrational when things don't go her way. She also struggles with anxiety issues. And like you mentioned, much of it simply seems to be "her personality" too. My parents were patient. The did let some things slide for her, that the rest of us wouldn't have gotten away with. They braced themselves for the melt downs. They were consistent. And they addressed the anxiety issues. By the age of 14 after years of resistance, they sought out medications to help. They did help, but they were not a magic switch for my sister. She still had counseling and constant guidance from my parents. And my mother says that they relished the good days. The times she wasn't raging, because it was a reminder of what was underneath all the fear. A sweet, smart, funny and creative girl. My sister is in her 30s. She has learned to control herself. She has learned discretion. She has learned coping skills. She'd never in a million years lose it at work or in public. Your daughter will get there. It will take time, love and patience. Good luck mama.

You are not a bad mom! Everyone has these terrible days when we just don't have any resources left, and the tension pours out in the form of yelling! It's okay! It sounds like you've been the voice of reason and tolerance for many years, and you just didn't have any more energy to deal with the "I don't have anything to wear" nonsense.

It sounds like you did not have a lot of success through therapy, and that's a shame. I wonder if you had the right person who gave you useful strategies and who really reached your daughter.

I think the pre-teen hormones may be kicking in, but it sounds like your daughter has had a problem since birth. It must have been so frustrating. I don't think the answer to these issues is a simple "be consistent" or "take away her iPod" strategy - you've probably tried all of that in the past.

It sounds like there is an underlying issue, part anxiety (mile run, for example) and the rest a fundamental inability to deal with stresses of any kind. I think more professional help is in order because it's obviously not your parenting skills. There's something that makes her fly off the handle at the slightest hint of frustration.

It might help to realize that she is fundamentally unhappy herself, and that she is going to need many more coping skills to get through adolescence and adulthood. Just because it didn't work before doesn't mean you've exhausted all avenues. I think a physical work-up is in order to see if there is a neurological component to this. A good psychiatrist can provide both counseling and the medical oversight to get to the bottom of it. I'm not a big proponent of medications, but there may be some value to some short-term therapies, and there is also a nutritional piece to rages and erratic behavior. I've worked with a lot of people who have mood imbalances that are helped by nutritional supplementations. That's not all of your daughter's problem, but it couldn't hurt and might help. Let me know if you want more info on that.

I'm sorry you had such a bad morning. I hope your day gets better.

I remember when my oldest was about the age. She was so moody and temperamental. I known it was the raging hormones in her system. I used to joke that I couldn't wait for her to start her period so that we could reduce her moodiness to just one week a month instead of all month long!!! LOL

Have a nice chat with her this evening. Explain why her behavior was inappropriate. And your response wasn't so great either. Follow through with the punishment. And talk about better ways for her to handle herself. Good luck!

Sounds like more than behavior to me too . . . I would look into neurological and metabolic issues (both of which seem to get worse with hormones sometimes, at least as far as I've read and seen).

I'm not a health care provider of any type - this is just my "mom" opinion.

Good luck - don't beat yourself up. Just look at it as a cry for help from your daughter. It can't feel good for her either.

My suggestion would be to get her checked out. If she has that much anxiety she may need to be put on meds for it. Yes I know she's young but the sooner this can get under control the better. That kind of stress can not be good for her body. The hormones starting to kick in do not help at all. Her behavior is not the norm for her age. I would take her to a councilor and a psychiatrist. The sooner she gets help the better I think and the easier your life will be as well. Don't be hard on yourself you can only do what you know to do.

My son is Inattentive ADD and has some some ODD.
At about 14 he began to have uncontrollable melt downs - beyond normal angry outbursts. ADD + ODD + Puberty was really bad.

His doctors recommended putting him on Zoloft to help control these mood swings. It worked. He still gets angry - but he is able to control his anger and does not swing out of control. He is a happier 16 year old now who discusses his medication and moods with his doctor and participates in his own treatments.

L. B - while mood swings and emotional outbursts are normal in pre teens and teens, your daughter's reactions are not the norm. If punishments and rewards and talking and planning are not working it may be time to discuss available treatment options with your doctors to help your daughter.

My hope, for my son, is that as he matures that he will not need to stay on the Zoloft. That is his wish also. But, since organic depressions and bi-polar run in our family, we also realize that may not happen.

Good Luck
Hugs

Cut yourself some slack mama!! My kids are only 5 and 3 but sometimes I think I'll need to be committed, too!! We all have bad parenting moments that make us think our kids will hate us forever. I accidently hit my son in the eye with a stuffed animal when trying to throw it to him and he said I hurt him then threw himself down on his head, banging his head on his head board and said that I pushed him! I wasn't even on the same bed. Needless to say I had to leave the room because I was so upset (this was after a very trying evening with him)....so I TOTALLY GET IT!!

Hug her when she gets home from school (if she's okay with that). If not or if you get home later than her, make her cookies and serve them with milk or take her out for ice cream just because. Tell her you had a bad morning and that you hope to start over with her. YOu know it's her personality and you know SHE was the one freaking out, but I think sometimes WE as parents need to apologize so our kids realize we all make mistakes.

Tomorrow will be better!

You've gotten so many great suggestions and lots of support! I also suggest that you ask your doctor about this, and also maybe you should look into seeing a therapist that is a BCBA or behavior specialist.

We all have moments we wish we could take back. Give yourself a break, you're doing a great job.

Good luck,
R.

Preteens and teens can be very dificult sometimes, then other times they are the most wonderful children ever. It's also difficult for parents to realize that they aren't "babies" anymore; even though, they still need our guidance from time to time. Preteens and teens are "adult wanna bees." This means that we, as parents, need to choose our battles wisely. If it isn't worth fighting for, then let them learn their lessons on their own in the "school of hard knocks." You have to involve and talk to you daughter. Explain why the run is important and what happens if she doesn't practice. (I'm assuming it's part of a phys ed./gym requirement.) Maybe she feels she's not improving. Maybe she'd prefer to run at a different time of the day like after super. Allow her to set her own schedule and allow her to make mistakes.