I Am Afraid of Change!!!! Please HELP!

Does your mom still work or would she consider moving down there as well to be close to you and her grandkids? Maybe not necessarily in the same house (unless you wanted it that way or maybe just temporarily) or she could get a little house or condo/villa.

Follow your friend, your mom will be ok. I am also 55 and I would love the opertunity to go to Texas and start over. My two boys are grown and have lives of there own. I think you think to much about it. JUST MOVE. I am single and can make a move like that. But I am in a position at this time where I can't. (my job). GO and BE HAPPY GOOD LUCK!!!! By the way MOM, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

TO OVERCOME YOUR FEAR, YOU WANT TO UNDERSTAND THE MORE
COMPLETE BASIS FOR YOUR FEAR. WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT
IS BEHIND YOUR BEHAVIOR, YOU THEN CAN COMMENCE TO CHANGE
THE BEHAVIOR. I HEAR THE REASONS YOU GIVE FOR YOUR FEAR,
BUT FEEL IT IS DEEPER THAN MAYBE YOU ARE AWARE.

I AM A PRACTICING PSYCHOLOGIST AND MY EXPERIENCE HAS
TAUGHT ME WHAT I JUST SAID TO YOU. I WOULD SUGGEST YOU
GET SOME COUNSELING TO UNDERSTAND THE BASIS FOR YOUR
FEAR.

THAT IS THE BEST HELP, I CAN SUGGEST, THAT I KNOW 'WORKS'!
IF YOU WANT TO CONTACT ME: E MAIL:____@____.com,
TELE: ###-###-####; I LIVE IN GRAIN VALLEY, MO.
MY BEST, N. J ANDREW, PhD

HI,

I met my husband online. He lives in Missouri and I lived in Hawaii. After talking for about 6 months online, I came the Missouri for a visit. I stayed here for 10 days, and a couple of months later, my son and I moved here. We knew no one except my husband. My whole family is in Hawaii. Back in Hawaii, I was the one who took care of my Mom and Dad. When my Dad was in the hospital I would take off work and stay with him. My Mom and Dad are separated. I have an older sister who only cares about herself and has never been there for my parents. She's still the same, she lives maybe 15 minutes from both of them yet she doesn't see them. I talk to them more often then she does. It was hard leaving but I don't regret it. Your family now is your husband and your kids. Maybe your Brother will step up and grow up. Maybe not, but if your Mom knows how he is she'll realize what he is and deal with it. She's going to have to stop letting him use her. Ultimately you have do what's best for your family. After the first year we were here, I asked my son if I decided to move back to Hawaii would he go? He said no, he'd rather stay here. That cemented the fact that I made the right decision. It's hard but you have to realize that your Mom is an adult, your children depend on you to make the right decision for their happiness. It sounds like you want to move to Texas and that would be the right decision but your Mom is holding you back. Have you talked to your Mom? Is she okay with you moving? Or are you having a hard time leaving her? I know now that since I moved, I'm more friends with my Mom than just being there and taking care of her. She's still very active but before she would never go anywhere by herself. Now she grew up and little too and has to do things for herself instead of depending on me. Hope that helps. Good luck!

D.

You have to do what is best for YOU and your family. It is important to make sure that your mom is taken care of but if she is healthy and independant, then you have to let she be. She had done pretty good so far in life, trust that she can take care of herself. It wouldn't hurt have a talk with her and let her know what you are concerned about when it comes to your brother though. I recommend making the plans and taking the plunge. Schudule the move for the summer so that you have plenty of time for the kids to adjust to there new surroundings before they start school and so that you have time to make it happen. If you and your husband agree that you need the change, then just do it. In my experience, most of the time, change is a good thing even though it is the one thing that frightens us more then anything else. In order to learn and to grow, we have to change. You will not be happy until you do this. There are ways to make the transition smooth and if you already have family down there that is willing to help, then it will be even easier. Have your husband start looking for jobs down there and then once the job comes, the rest will fall into place. Moving is ALWAYS stressful but your will be happier once you are there and all settled in. Don't let the fear rule your life.

I married a military man when I was young and didn't have a choice but to move around which was the easy part as I didn't have to make the decisions we just moved where they told us. It was hard for a while to be away from my close nit family but I adjusted to it well and I grew a lot from being far away from everyone. I didn't realize I depended on my family that much until they weren't close by anymore.
The hardest decision we had to made was a few years ago when my husband retired from the military and deciding where we wanted to move. We decided to move near my family and was the right decision. I do help my Mom out a lot but also know that we are where God wants to be right now but if he leads us to move somewhere else we would go. I do know one thing that I talked to my family more when we lived farther away. We all have very busy lives and is hard to get together for family birthdays or outings so I actually had more visiting time with them when we came home twice a year for 2 weeks to visit because they would take out time from their busy schedules to spend with us because they only got to see us a few times a year. Having cell phones and email makes it great for keeping in touch without high expensive phone bills.

If your parents can't take care of the issues with your user brother than maybe they would like to relocate and move near you in the future. You can always have them come and visit. Just keep in contact with them and you won't feel like you are so far away.

You need to do what is best for your family.

Hi, I am a 53 yr old M. of 3 grown daughters. My hubby and I have been married 34 yrs and have always been the ones to help out all the family. I love my girls and am very close to all 3, so when we packed up our oldest and took her to D.C. to live with a friend it about broke my heart. However, she took the chances I never took. We all went to see her, she got to see and live in an area with an incredible amount of history which she loves. She came home after a yr, but she had no hubby or kids there to help her settle in. your kids will keep you involved with other people, especially ones your age, with school alone. get involved, talk with other parents. Meet your neighbors. If all of you love it there, the rest will work out. i know, I am not one to go out of my comfort zone, but through the years I have tried different things with and with out my family, and I am so happy I did. I cna't say you'll have no regrets, but you already have some about not going. You probably will either way.. but I say go for it. Your brother might grow up too!!

B.,

My goodness, I can't tell if you are sure about moving or not! It almost sounds as if you have one foot out the door and one stuck on the floor not able to pick it up and put it out the door with the other one. If the move would be best for your husband, yourself and the children, then GO AND DO IT! If, on the other hand, you are worried about leaving your mother in the hands of your user brother, then speak with your mother about that and try to help her see that she's being used. You can't live their lives. Don't let the relationship between the two of THEM stop you from doing what might be best for your immediate family. You can't live on what if's. You can only live on what IS. Your children have seen three years of maybe's from you, and, believe it or not, you have made their lives hard with all the ups and downs you have put them through the past three years. Quit putting off what seems to be the inevitable, and get you, your husband and the children off to a new start in Texas if that is truly what is necessary to make your family happy. You can fly your mom out to visit you and your family. Just stop putting those children's lives on hold while you decide whether to move or how or when to do it. It's not fair to any of you. Good luck and God bless you and your family with His guidance and love.

I get mixed signals big time when I read your email. You are very attached to your mom, and even though you want the adventure of a new place, you don't want to lose your closeness to your mom. I also hear that you enjoy the way people look up to you, and come to you for assistance, and that you know that won't be the case in Texas - at least not for awhile while you're beginning to get to know people.

I think if you really want to go, and that's what's right for your family, then you should take the risk. You can always move back - people do - if it turns out to be the wrong move.

Be realistic though. Be prepared for things to be different and lonely for a few years. If you prepare for it, you won't be surprised or disappointed by it. And do things that will keep you connected to your friends and family back home.

I moved lock, stock and barrel three years ago. Here's my advice. First, keep your old cell phone number so your friends and family can easily find you. It is very difficult finding new friends, in a new place, no matter how outgoing you are. People have their lives mostly settled, and it will take you some time to find folks who are willing to "let you in" to their circles. We joined a synagogue, and we attempted to make friends with families whose kids were in our kids' classes, or on their ball teams, etc, but it's been slow. After three years, I can say we now have a handful of families we can get together with either as families or couples, and I have only a couple of "true" friends. I actually got involved on Mamasource as a way of having "girlfriends" to chat with. It's not the same, but it does help.

As for your mom not traveling - I'd strongly suggest that you start a travel fund for yourselves, and religiously plop money into it every month - whatever amount is comfortable for you. That way, when you want to go see your mom, you'll have the funds. You might also consider getting a Southwest Airlines (or other) Visa card so that every purchase you make goes toward a free ticket. The $$s add up fast, and you can get two or three tickets a year ($16K = one ticket on southwest). I do that, and I put every single purchase on my card. I do NOT carry a debt though - I still live within my means and pay my card off every single month - so you have to know yourself and whether that's a safe thing for you to do.

As for your brother taking advantage of your mom - I'm not sure how he does that, but it may be that the two of them have to work this through by themselves. You may not be able to stop it from a distance. You may have to let go. You may have to remember that serenity prayer (God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!).

Good luck to you!