Husband Refuses Sex!

"They" say that men can get post pardom too. Maybe it's a whole role reversal thing. Since he's at home with the kids, his libido and confidence might be being compromised. Sounds like a depression thing to me. Would be beneficial for everyone involved if he'd go talk to someone~ Good luck.

He may be depressed -- it's very tough staying home with kids. Also, meat and sugar are two foods shown to cause impotence so you might want to think about diet and overall health. Plus, counseling and patience for either or both of you!

Bless you. The marriages (and relationships) that last are not easier than the ones that don't, that's why we pledge for better or worse. Hang in there and have faith, better days will come.

L. D., happily married mom of three

My guess is it probably isn't you, it seems like reverse role. He is like the woman who is exhausted after taking care of her children all day and is not in the mood. I get like that a lot. www.DiscoveryToysLink.com/LisaRyan

LisaM

Hi T.!

I know you have an older child but sometimes after a man sees the mother of his child giving birth something changes. It happened to me after all 3 of my children. We got over it after awhile but it has never been the same. On the other side of the fence, I am a SAHM and it is very challenging and a lot of work and when my husband needs something, I think to myself, "now what do you want????" as if he's bothering me. Wrong attitude but the reality is that it happens. Sometimes when you stay home you loose all respect for yourself and the last thing you feel is attractive! I know everyone is different but I speak from my life and my past. He does need to be honest with you. It's not fair to you or your marriage! I wish you the best and when you find the answers, please let me know:) Take Care! L.

Your 16 month old can handle daycare now. Tell your husband to get a job. Even if it's part time. He probably feels like he's lost himself and a job would put him in a new challenging situation so he can feel empowered again.

Good luck.

T.,
As you well know, there could many, many reasons why your husband is holding out. But think of him as human for a moment and not just your husband. Maybe he is depressed. How many children did you say you have? Having a baby brings in the bills and it is a lot of pressure on men. They just don't handle things the way we do. Also, here is a really good question:

Was your husband there when you had the baby? I mean, did he watch the delivery? Many men will tell you that once they see that, something changes. They don't know exactly what or why, it's a psychological thing, not necessarily a change. Try to talk to him if this is the case and tell him that having the baby did not stretch you out of proportion and that your "cake" was made to snap back, and it has.

Tell him that your need for him is catching up to you and you are begining to feel unwanted, unattractive and like he is disenchanted for some reason and ask him what it is.

Let him know that you are ready to talk honestly, and openly without being too judgemental when he wants to talk.

Pray Terry. Ask the Lord to touch your husbands heart and to change whatever has caused him to become so despondent. Our Father is a mind changer and a heart regulator, this would be an easy request for him to handle. Talk to God like you have in your request and let him know how you feel also.

I'm pulling for you! I think it may be depression, it does happen to men too.

If you can just get him to talk, and if you pray, he can adapt and overcome with your help.

God Bless you!

Jen

WOW...I'm not the only woman out there who isn't geting any! My husband also refuses to have sex or anything. He makes up excuses. We have sex about 2-3 times a year and it's been this way for the last 4 years, at least. He now, has ED, and even though I know that most of his issues are low sex drive, stress and insecurity and low self-esteem, I can't make him lose the weight, or excersize or eat better to try to clear his arteries. He jokes about needing "little blue pills" but I know it's not that, he just has no interest in me. I have gained weight, much of which is due to being depressed in a relationship with someone who is always depressed and just sucks the life out of our lives. I know it's stupid, but I sort of think that if stay overweight, I won't be tempted to stray. It sounds like you are working hard to stay in shape, but men can be affected more emotionally and it affects their intimacy. Pick up a book called the Love Dare and another on called The Five Love Languages. They are Christian based, but the principles are going to work whether you have a Christian faith or not. Find out what your husband needs by trying to fill the need rather than asking him. Men don't like to be asked what they need. It's going to take a LONG time to figure out what makes him tick, all the while, continue to help him out with the kids and the house, mabe he is suffering from a reverse roll and feels like a worn-out unappreciated housewife would. Maybe he feels like less of a man because he's not supporting the household? Who knows, keep encouraging him to go to counseling with you. Let him know that your marriage matters to him and without the intimacy not only sexually but emotionally, your marriage in in trouble and to save it you have to move forward with some help communicating. Good luck, if you want to email me pricately, you can.

Hi T.,
First of all, I am SO sorry to hear that this is your situation!

Second, since he won't get help and says he doesn't have time for an affair since he's busy all day with the kids, something in my mind says that perhaps he resents his SAH status now? I'm not sure, it's just that I know how isolating it is and perhaps, even if it was his choice to SAH, he's feeling emasculated b/c he's not the breadwinner? It takes a strong person (either male or female) to be home all day with kids and we all know how exhausting it is...

Do you guys still get alone time... do you go out on dates? How is your communication otherwise? Do you have long-term goals or have the kids pretty much derailed your husband/wife relationship? Was the sex regular and great before you got pregnant?

All I know is, the only time a man has ever refused me sex in my former marriage, he was cheating with someone he worked with and being faithful to HER. I'm not saying that's necessarily happening to you, but if all else is fine, then what gives?

I will pray for you and really wish you well!
K.

wow. they some husbands after a women is pregnant get all wierd and won't have anything to do with the wife while pregnant or after because now they do not see the iwfe as the wife in their mind they see her as their child's mom and they do not want sex with a mom. i know that sounds weird but they have done studies on this. see if you can find books on it at the library.
if he will not talk about it i do not see how you are gonna get anywhere. i mean communication is the most important part of a marriage, and if he will not talk i do see how anthing is gonna get solved.
i wish i knew what to tell you. but maybe get these books and leave them around where he sees them and maybe he will pick up one and read it when you are not around. even maybe a book on 101 ways to renew your sex life after childbirth or something simular. you never know he might pick it up.it may be worth a shot.
as far as affairs go i certainly hope he is not. and if a person really wants to do it they find time even with kids at home--sorry but my ex did.

From the sounds of it, his issues are more to do with himself than with you.

I'm going to echo an ongoing theme, here:
If he's always measured his success by career progress, being a long-term SAH parent may have sapped him of his potency.

He *may* harbor resentment and he *may* be seeking intimacy and validation elsewhere, but if none of those things are your guy (and you would know), I would ask him about his occupational goals and whether he wants to reinvent himself as a member of the workforce. Supporting his career goals may be all it takes to begin a turnaround.

Best of luck!

From the other side of the aisle (actually the same side, his.. I'm a SAHM)...
He might very well be exhausted. It is very tiring to constantly be "on call" for your children. Even bedtime you are thinking ahead about meals, laundry, grocery shopping, are we out of diapers, the kid's well child appt, the vet appt, the bugs on the lawn, the elec bill... on and on and on... And everything you "plan" can be instantly interrupted with children squabbling or just making noise or carrying on with nonsense. Yes, it can be wonderful. But sometimes it is just overwhelming. And while it might not be politically correct to say (and I hope no one is offended) but, he is a man. Men innately NEED to protect, provide, shelter and slay dragons for their families! If he is not doing those things b/c you are... he is resentful. It can be very conflicting, b/c everyone probably tells him how great he has it... so not only has his "manhood" been taken away, but he is guilt-ridden for being bothered that it has! That strikes me as the most likely issue. You haven't said how the arrangement came about, but perhaps you should revisit it. Psychologically, I don't know how a man can feel sexy and potent, etc when he sees himself elbow deep in the laundry doing "women's work". Even I have a hard time seeing myself as alluring, attractive and sexy when I've been doing "chores" all day.. and I'm a woman. Imagine the conflict for a man!
Like I said, it's not a "PC" thing to say it, but it is likely true.
Just my two cents...

Oh! Boy! I went through this it sounds like my x.
I don't mean to be negative but my x husband of 16 years had the same reaction when I confronted about him having a love affair.
He got mad everytime I mentioned it and put all the blame on me to make me feel like I was delusional.
He even said he was "tired" he couldn't say of what.
Then finally after 3 full years of his rejection of me including sleeping in a seperate room I had enough.
Everyone including my pastors said maybe it was just me.
Well I humbled my self and ask God to show me if it was me.
I also asked God to expose what was wrong.
He sure did.
It turns out that my husband of 16 years 2 kids later, was having a 3 year affair under my nose with my sons elementary school teacher. He left his email open and my teen daughter caught him. She read an email he left open of a love letter he was sending her. Turns out they were web camming each other too. Watch that internate. Alot of temptation.
No offense to school teachers but lately alot of them are acting pretty desperate.
Breaking up familys having affairs with kids at school.
Crazy stuff nowadays just look at CNN lately.
I'm not paranoid but this whole thing including my divorce has made me a whole lot wiser.
What man refuses sex unless he is getting it some where else.
Not neccesaly a woman it could be porno on the net or mags.
My husband was a youth pastor and was living a double life.
So don't let the "christian" or "Godly status" fool you.
A MAN CAN BE A GREAT PROVIDER, FATHER, FRIEND AND STILL BE CHEATING. MINE WAS ALL THOSE THINGS.

Pray and pray hard for God to expose the problem and that God will do what he thinks is best for you and your babys.
God will come through.
I will be praying for you T..
Don't blame your self and go crazy racking your brain as to what you are doing wrong.
You may not be doing anything wrong.
If he is in his late 30's or early 40's like mine was he may be going through the man's mid life crisis. When they feel like they need a new woman in their lives. ATTENTION FROM A STRANGE WOMAN.

Evangelist S. f.c.
USA
P.S. Above all stay calm and loving.
Love God, love your self and then express your love toward others. WALK IN THE SPIRIT OF LOVE.
LOVE CONQUERS ALL!
IT IS THE BEST WEAPON OF ALL.
Let love win!

SAY THIS PRAYER OVER YOUR HUSBAND INSERTING HIS NAME EVERYWHERE I PUT THE WORD HUSBAND.Proverbs 5 (New King James Version)
New King James Version (NKJV)
Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Proverbs 5
The Peril of Adultery
1 My son (HUSBAND'S NAME),
pay attention to MY (GOD'S) wisdom;
Lend your ear to my(GOD'S) understanding,
2 That you may preserve discretion,
And your lips may keep knowledge.
3 For the lips of an immoral woman drip honey,
And her mouth is smoother than oil;
4 But in the end she is bitter as wormwood,
Sharp as a two-edged sword.
5 Her feet go down to death,
Her steps lay hold of hell.[a]
6 Lest you (HUSBAND'S NAME) ponder her path of life—
Her ways are unstable;
You(HUSBAND'S NAME) do not know them.
7 Therefore hear me now, my children (HUSBAND'S NAME),
And do not depart from the words of my (GOD'S MOUTH) mouth.
8 Remove your (HUSBAND'S NAME) way far from her,
And do not go near the door of her house,
9 Lest you (HUSBAND'S NAME) give your honor to others,
And your years to the cruel one;
10 Lest aliens be filled with your wealth,
And your labors go to the house of a foreigner;
11 And you mourn at last,
When your flesh and your body are consumed,
12 And say:

“ How I(MY HUSBAND) have hated instruction,
And my heart despised correction! (replace this with my husband will love instruction and not despise correction)
13 I have not(MY HUSBAND) obeyed the voice of my teachers, (replace with; my husband will obey the voice of God's teachers).
Nor (MY HUSBAND)inclined my ear to those who instructed me! (replace this with my husband will incline his ear to those who intruct him in the Lord.
14 I(MY HUSBAND) was on the verge of total ruin,
In the midst of the assembly and congregation.”
15 (MY HUSBAND WILL)Drink water from your (HIS) own cistern,
And running water from your (HIS) own well.
16 Should your (MY HUSBAND'S) fountains be dispersed abroad,
Streams of water in the streets?
17 Let them be only your (MY HUSBAND) own,
And not for strangers with you.
18 Let your (MY HUSBAND'S) fountain be blessed,
And rejoice with the wife (YOUR NAME) of your youth.
19 As a loving deer and a graceful doe,
Let her (YOUR NAME) breasts satisfy you (YOUR HUSBAND) at all times;
And always be enraptured with her (YOUR NAME) love.
20 For why should you (MY HUSBAND'S NAME), my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman,
And be embraced in the arms of a seductress?
21 For the ways of man are before the eyes of the LORD,
And He ponders all his paths.
22 His own iniquities entrap the wicked man,
And he is caught in the cords of his sin.
23 He (MY HUSBAND WILL NOT DIE,) for lack of instruction,
And in the greatness of his(replace with "MY HUSBAND WILL NOT FOLLY") folly he(HUSBAND'S NAME) shall ("NOT") go astray.

IN JESUS NAME
THIS IS THE WORD OF GOD TURNED INTO A PRAYER WITH YOUR NAMES INSERTED IN IT. THE WORD OF GOD IS A POWERFUL TOOL. TRY IT YOU WILL SEE RESULTS.

Sounds like you're the one that needs an affair. I'm only kidding. He sounds like the typical SAH Mom who is overwhelmed with her duties and what is required of her to think about pleasing her man at the end of the day. It's hard for me to do a question and answer with you on one note (respond)so with that said. I would first suggest a weekend get-away for the two of you. See if a little relaxation, including candles, body oils, sexy lingerie and soft music can get him to change his mind. If not, at least you tried. If that doesn't work, tell him to go out and get a job. I'm sorry, for making a joke. I'm trying to make light of a serious situation you have. Good luck, I hope it works out for you, obviously you love him and want things to be right.

Since he was already a SAH Dad before your youngest was born and you did not mention that this was a problem before, it must be something else that has changed since your youngest was born. We are talking almost 2 yrs without sex! I would not get caught up in jealousy or accusations as that would just make it worse. You have got to get your relationship back on track and then sex comes naturally. When things were great in the beginning you did not have to ask for sex and it can be like that again. A book I really liked is called Fascinating Womanhood, here is the link:
http://www.fascinatingwomanhood.net

It talks about how to get communication back open in a marriage and how we can change actions we (knowingly or unknowingly) make, to bring back the love you once had for eachother. What this lack of sex comes down to is a lack of closeness and intimacy.

Best of luck to you!
A.

ps maybe he was not planning on this stay at home dad thing lasting so long. Has he expressed interest about going back to work? Even in casual passing? He might feel guilty to even bring it up as though he is saying he does not love his kids if he does not want to stay home with them anymore. Let him know it is ok if he wants to go back to work, he has given the kids a wonderful foundation and you appreciate that.

Men have a real bad time with communicating their feelings and their health. Is he having erection problems (and won't say? Maybe he doesn't want to get you pregnant again, but won't tell you either. Talk to him about it, but don't wait till you're in bed to do so. Pick a time when everything else is quiet (after the kids are asleep or with a sitter). Don't nag, just be sincere. After all, you have your needs too.

Hmmm...since his denial of sex directly coincides with the conception of your youngest child, maybe he didn't feel ready for another one and is harboring some bad feelings that he just can't shake. I would ask him again to go to marriage counseling with you. I think that is really what you need here. Broach it from the point of view that you think you are the one that needs help to understand where he is coming from and you think a neutral third party could really help with that.

My husband and I have a great relationship for the most part, but we went to counseling becasue we needed that independent third party to help us see things form the other person's point of view. It has made a world of difference. My husband was willing from he get-go though, becasue he recognized the needs as well. With yours, you might have to be a little more persuasive, but do not be mean or accusatory about it, just let him know that you love him and you want him to be happy and you need help knowing how to do that.

Did you think maybe your husband is tired of staying at home with the children? MAybe he didn't want another child. I don't know the whole situation or how old your other children are but if they are older in school maybe he saw this as a time for him to start work again and provide for his family but you wanted another child and now he is back to another 5 years of staying at home. It's possible he doesn't think he care about his needs or feelings and just assume he wants to stay at home etc. or maybe he is having an affair. If he gets mad when you ask that is a good sign that he might be. I would hire a babysitter to watch the kids and sit down and have a good talk. A talk where no one leaves until it is resolved. Take a step back and think about whether you have really been thinking about what he wants in this relationship. It sounds like your roles are reversed and he might not be happy with that. My best advice is talk talk talk and look for the signs that he might be having an affair. If he is home all day and night with the kids then odds are no.

It sounds to me like he is jelouse of all the attention that is being given to the baby. Before we become mothers we tend to baby our husbands, once the baby gets here we tend to stop babing our husband, this lack of attentions always makes them feel left out and there is where the resentment set in. Try having some time out with only him, and don't talk about the baby during this time, talk about commend intrest, about past fun time. Buy a sexy dress and prepair a special dinner, put on a sexy nightgown and got at it with all you got. If none of this works, follow him because he is defenatly having an affair...

Its possible that he is having an affair a man does need sex often. This happened to a coworker of mine. It turned out he was hiding a son with another woman. Your husband does sound very angry maybe he is burned out on being at home. We stay at home parents sometimes lose ourselves when we are so involved with taking care of the kids, and the house, and the husband/wife. Sometimes Stay at Home parents don't feel appreciated and get lonely for adult conversation. Maybe its time for him to go back to work part-time. He may need to get out into the world with other adults and not talk about kids. I did this and not because I wanted to , but because of a break up. It did wonders for me. I didn't realize how much of myself I had lost I started to look forward to getting to work and talking about the daily events at work. My clothing changed I started wearing makeup again. I was so comfortable in my mommy clothes which really didn't give me a lot of confidence. Everyone at work commented on how great I looked. I looked forward to coming home and being with my family. Its good to have a chance for them to miss me a little they seem to appreciate me more. I hope this helps Good Luck!

Hi, T.. Well, this is a really, really tough one to deal with. I don't know him, and so I don't know what is putting him off the idea of sex. I have some inklings, though.

First, he may just be really, really tired, the same way a lot of sah moms are. He may be frustrated by his life and the way it has changed since the birth of your last child, the same way that a mom might get. Even though having children is a wonderful miracle, it is still stressful due to the changes a new child brings into everyone's life. He may feel guilty about not feeling 110% ecstatic about this.

He may even be depressed. When a person starts giving up on things that used to delight him or her, depression is often the cause of this. And he may feel guilty or ashamed of these feelings, too. He may feel like less of a man because of it, even though it makes no sense for anyone to be ashamed of depression or the effects of stress on a person's life.

It is very important to keep yourself from pressuring him. It's really important to support him at this time. See if there isn't some way to gently get him to open up about his feelings...a lot of men are very, very bad about keeping all their feelings inside and never discussing them. Maybe if you gently and quietly share with him how you feel about all the adjustments you yourself have had to make since the last baby was born, it might get him to talk about it a little, and then maybe he can open up about what's really going on with him. Be supportive, and let him know that in no way will you think any less of him if he's having some stresses or negative emotions or frustrations or whatever. Let him know how much you love him, admire him, appreciate how hard he works as a sah dad, etc. All the things you would need from your husband, he also needs from his wife. So try giving him an extra helping of lovingkindness without expecting anything in return. He's already swimming in the needs of the kids, so maybe he just can't take on anyone else's needs right now.

He may also feel like you two have enough children, and he may not want to have sex and risk another pregnancy. Again, I have no way of knowing exactly what he's feeling or thinking.

I do believe, though, if this keeps on becoming a rift between the two of you, that at least one of you should seek some relationship help. Maybe if you are going to a counselor, he might eventually join you. Again, I don't know him, and I don't know how he's likely to react.

I wish your family all the best.

Peace,
Syl

Maybe he is feeling as a lot of sah moms do. Unfufilled, no longer sexy, just there for diapers, etc. He may need to get out in the work force again and have some adult time with friends...even if it is just a part time job while you are home with the kids. I would think most men would at some point start to feel less like the provider if they sah all the time...

I went through this with my husband but a different situation. We moved and he had gotten a different job and was very stressed. Instead of turning to me for help, he shut me out and refused sex for a long time. It only got better after we moved again and he got another job. It took him a long time to even admit to himself that I wasn't just making it up or blowing it out of proportion. Stress does affect libido in men. Not all men, as suggested before, think of sex as their number one need. It does NOT mean that he's having an affair. It just means that he's probably depressed and over stressed. He's lost his sense of self and part of his manhood along with it. and fyi- almost all the women that men cheat with look average. It is not about how the other women look or how good looking the wife is. It's about how that person makes them feel.
The other advice you've gotten about suggesting he have more time to himself or taking on a part time job, etc. is very good. I hope, for both your sakes, that something helps. I know how hard it is to feel rejected sexually from the one person who is supposed to want you the most. It can get better. Be supportive.

I've gone thru that... and yes, isn't you!!!
Sadly, its him. I hope its just phase or period in which he's going through. He could try things to take to pump his libido ( like vitamins or herbal pills )... but he's got to be willing.
Its probably something else going on with him... stress or self image or inadquency stuff. The stress is what's happened to me, I had lost ( i was let go ) my job and i had my purse stolen ( with lots of valuables inside too... i know it sounds silly but when your broke its hard to replace certain things that can not be replaced... they were gifts!!! ) and I had a serious health issue and then depression came started to loose my hair... then I gained weight but all the stress. And still I had no job. I still hadn't found a good job. My self worth was horrible... bills piling up. And I got a temp. job but its not enough to pay any bills... but I took it. I am still struggling with my whole self worth... and failure issues... its still definitely affecting my relationship with my husband.
We use to have sex at least 3 times a week... and now its maybe 1 time a week. When I was going through all of that stuff... I wanted to give up!!! It felt like nothing was going right. It sucks feeling useless... and unhappy. Especially when your child sees it. I can't believe how much she remembers and saw. She should NOT have... she's seen mommy cry a lot... too much!!!
Anyway... talk to him!!! Its hard... but its your husband. Its worth it... I didn't want to loose mine!!! I think he understands a lot more than i give him credit for.

When one parent is home all the time and the other is working it is easy for the one home to rezent the other. Try taking your husband out once a week for a date night - No strings attached (no sex expected or asked for) so you guys can reconnect. Think about it from his shoes. Do more things for him and to help him out: cook dinner on the weekends since he probably cooks during the week, give him a massage (no strings) every so often once the kids have gone to bed. Just do things because you love and appreciate him. Sometimes our words don't walk far enough so we become disconnected from one another and at those times we need to let our actions speak to bring us back together again.

Get back to the basics - Like when you started dating all those years ago - Get back your emotional connection and the physical will naturally follow.

Maybe he needs a break from his work...I'm a SAHM and I sure do. Being an at home parent is THE most challenging job. The work never goes away. One who works doesn't realize that they get to have alone time in the car to and from work; They interact with other people; Get to dress; get to leave; go home; and have weekends off. Those benefits are not in our job description.
Maybe you can set up a structured schedule where he has time to work out; go out with the guys; go out with you alone; have some housework help or whatever he likes to do.
Maybe he is emasculated.
Maybe it is not about you.
Maybe he feels somewhere along the line he lost his dream.
Good Luck

Look at the situation from his point, I'm a SAHM for the most part, and after spending all day with the kids hanging on me and doing the daily chores I don't feel sexy and I can't explain that to my husband, so maybe try "giving him a day off" I know you don't get one but this might help him feel more like a man..... I know it helps me...
Hope things get better.
Liz

You know, I'm a stay at home mom and I get upset with my husband b/c he gets to leave and I never do. Maybe there's some underlining problem. I'm not saying that's it, but you never know. I would also suggest watching the new movie Fireproof together and doing the "Love Dare" book. It has done wonders for my marriage. It refreshed our love and marriage. Give it a try.

All the bases seem to be covered in the responses, but I'll throw a real curve ball in the mix and hope you're not offended. Any chance he's gay and can't hide it anymore? It does happen and I certainly hope it isn't the case. More likely he's feeling the way I do, tired, under-appreciated, smothered and un-sexy. It kills the mood.

Maybe he is worn out. Maybe you could have somebody watch the kids while you go off and have a romantic mini-vacation/ date.

If his unwillingness is not caused by physical problem than do the following on the piece of paper:
1. objectively compare his personality 5 years ago and now and see what is missing.
2. objectively compare his lifestyle 5 years ago and now and see what is missing.

When you get the missing pieces you might get a clearer picture of what is going on.

It is possible that he needs to get out of the house, get a job and hang out with guys from time to time. Being with little kids all the time is exhausting. Does he have a profession? If he doesn't want to get a job he still can occupy himself with a hobby.

good luck,

M.

T.,

One book I was given when I first got married was HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS. The doctor in that book says that almost all of men's number one needs (not desires) are sexual. So as soon as I read that your husband is refusing sex I know it's something deeper. I wouldn't give up either. Maybe he doesn't feel like he is your hero anymore. I know if my husband were to switch me and stayed home he would (because out of curiosity one time I asked) feel like he wasn't taking care of the house or me and he said he would feel like a loser. He wasn’t saying that I should feel that way, but he said he wouldn’t feel like my knight in shining armor. The only other thing I thought of is maybe he is having an affair. But…. You know him the best. The other thing the book talks about is there are many more needs then just sexual maybe some of his other needs aren’t getting met.

Don't give up though.

Beth

does he resent you for having to stay at home.
don't let this go, there has to be a reason.

Sounds like he really needs to open up and talk to you. If it really is because he's a stay at home dad and is tired from the daily activity, would it help if you helped out with kids and chores and stuff when you got home so you guys would have some quiet, one on one time? I would wonder about the source of his anger. Why would he be mad when you tried to talk to him about it, unless he has something to hide. I hate to say, it sounds like there's more to the story, and he's just not telling you. Maybe you should press the issue, because it's not fair for you both to be unhappy in your marriage.

It sounds as though your husband may be harboring some resentment about other issues and it's manifesting as a lack of sexual desire. His angry response to your mentioning it makes me wonder if his resentment is related to being a SAHD.

A lack of sex in a relationship is rarely about sex. I urge you and your husband to seek counseling. No sex is usually a good indicator that the marriage is in trouble. Over two years without sex is pretty excessive and points to a lack of intimacy that must be addressed.

Oh dear. I'm sorry you're going through this...

So: little known facts about marriage counseling: a good counselor (there are plenty of poor ones) can help you work through the problems - without hubby present.

You can't work it out alone - but - you can get good help on how to work on it with your hubby - without the counselor present...

And - you haven't been left many other alternatives...(except living life like brother and sister and - I guess if that works for you - then... well - you are right - it is not likely to work for either of you for very long...)

It is harder this way - but - often the party who is angriest is pretty darn scared to open up and be honest about what the problem is...And - telling some stranger may seem just harder than can be imagined...

Good luck!